This n that

i'm not sure what to type about today, except that this has been a week of extreme downs, followed by a wonderful upward swing.

My car broke down, the radiator has to be fixed or replaced. It's in the shop now, so i am without a vehicle and that stinks to high heaven. But i am rather proud of myself because i almost got the radiator out all by myself, but i couldn't get 4 bolts out, because of where they were mostly (i'm short), and i couldn't get enough leverage to loosen them. One i forgot about - lol. i'm kind of mechanically inclined and not scared to try something, even if i have to talk myself into trying it!

So then i had a kind of a panic (yes, i am minimizing, Padrone), because of something stupid i did. Well it was not really stupid, because everyone has done it, it just makes me feel stupid. Yes, i freaked out, and yes, Padrone came to my rescue yet again!

But then i found a part time job, which i have been looking for for a while now. In our little town and rural area, there is usually quite a bit of turnover for minimum wage jobs, which i am fortunate enough to be in a situation allowing me to pay the bills with a part time, minimum wage position. i have no extras that way, but that's alright. Until i am fully certified or can obtain a professional job, i don't expect extras.

But i got a part time job, which i start next week. i hope my car is finished by then but if not, i also am fortunate enough to live in a rural area where folks help each other out, and i know i'll be able to get to work somehow. :)

And i was also called to substitute teach. It's strange, this early in the school year, but i'm not complaining! What's really strange is that i know in some places in the country, school hasn't even STARTED yet! So i am really fortunate and blessed, even when i do stupid things!

Anyway, the job and the substituting has made me feel incredibly good, and is a reward for a lot of calling, resumes, applications, and "networking". i never gave up, but see, i had no choice!

And i know Padrone is proud of me, because i didn't give up. i did, though. i was so discouraged i really thought all my effort was totally useless, but i couldn't NOT make the effort. It was more a "face saving" thing, than any belief that i would ever find a job. But i did!

And it has been so wonderful to simply feel all the wonderful emotions without so much stress. Yes, i do know that life is filled with stress, and i am not immune to it in the least. But when stress inhibits my ability to serve my Master, or even to feel the emotions that are always there to the fullest, then it is a huge issue for me. i love that, now, i am free to feel, to express, whatever i can and need to and want to, to Him. A huge weight has been lifted. i had no idea just HOW distracted i had become, until the distractions were minimized!

And Padrone has been wonderful through it all. Yes, i'm sure He was impatient a few times when it seemed all i could think about was negative, or my stressful situation. (Padrone, there's Your negative - kinda!) i didn't see it for the most part. And overall, i was amazed yet again by how wonderfully patient, and understanding, this man is.

He has told me that He wonders about the kind of folks i have been around all my life, because i worry that He will be upset with me when i do stupid things like i did this week. That statement really told me more about HIM than He probably realized.

And since most of y'all probably understand just what i did learn, i am not going to go on, especially since i don't have any more negative at this moment to say about Him to balance out the positive i COULD say!

And so, i have a post without much depth, without a lot of philosophy or emotions, simply designed to keep everyone posted about what's going on in my life, and to express, again, the gratitude that i can't ever seem to stop feeling, simply because i am His, and the pride in belonging to this man keeps growing. i hope it never ceases to grow. i am Yours, forever, Padrone.

Questa schiava e' proprieta' di Franti.

My Most Hated Need

First, i want to type a disclaimer. What i am going to talk about today is rather emotional, it is about my own needs, and my emotions regarding those needs. It is NOT about actions or how the needs are fulfilled. It IS strictly about the needs i have as a slave. Well, specifically it is about one particular need.

And i hate it.

i have a deep, driving craving to be humiliated. Not simply called whore or bitch as i am being fucked. Well, i think it started that way, long ago, even before i knew what D/s or BDSM was. But really, who *doesn't* like some dirty talk during sex now and then? (i'm talking vanillas here - those of us in M/s relationships tend to have dirty talk all the time, so during sex maybe it's a bit redundant. i mean, really. If i can come to think of being called "fuckpig" - even in italian - as an endearment, wouldn't being told to "fuck me bitch" be a bit...blase?)

The thing is, i HATE that i need to be so deeply humiliated. It isn't what Padrone does, or even what i do myself at times, that is the issue. i can't believe how far it has gone, and of course there are *some* things that i am either not ready for or are outside the realm of safety and so wouldn't be possible. But what does happen, when it happens, is enough to make me literally dream of more.

i wake up sometimes in the morning, and before i am really fully awake, i am thinking of ways to be humiliated. Well, yes, it *is* a bit embarrassing to type that, but it just kind of illustrates in a new way just how deep this need is.

Does anyone think i *enjoy* dreaming or daydreaming about things that demean, mock, degrade, objectify, or publicly shame me?

Well. Yeah. i do.

*sigh*

And that's a real problem for me. i don't WANT to like it. i HATE that i like it. i HATE that i need it. And of course, now i have to try to figure out WHY i hate it so much. i know, to a degree, why i need it, but....shouldn't accepting that need help to at least diminish the hatred for it? i can understand that acceptance wouldn't necessarily bring positive feelings, but man....i really didn't know i would hate it forever.

So i've been thinking about the why. Not as much as i *will* think about it i am sure, but i kind of had a thought that may be an opening into deeper understanding of it all.

For me, the things that i do when humiliated, to be humiliated, the things that can humiliate me....i hate doing those (and hating the actions/words is required for humiliation to happen). i hate them more because they are socially unacceptable. They are frowned upon, folks laugh or mock or look on with disgust (and probably some interest) when i do those things. But the need itself.....

If you think about what humiliation IS, how it happens, then you realize that it is a matter of someone learning about another person's weaknesses, things tied directly with negative emotions, and exploiting them. There are a lot of things that i find humiliating, and of course they may not be the same that others would also find humiliating. But i HATE knowing that i am vulnerable to being expolited that way. i HATE knowing that i NEED to be expolited that way, and i HATE knowing that i NEED to be vulnerable to it as well!

But now, after going so far with Padrone, after Him learning me so well and finding those weak places and expoliting them, preying on them for His pleasure and amusement....i crave even deeper humiliation than i can even imagine, when i visualize scenarios. i crave deeper humiliation, maybe even a different kind of humiliation, than i ever have in my life. It is simply there, growing, and there is nothing i can do about it.

i need it. i literally can't do without it at this point in my life. But i hate knowing that all my weaknesses, all my fears, can be used "against" me.... even if they really aren't...even if all that happens is a deep need is met. It's the extreme vulnerability, i guess - the knowledge that all Padrone has to do is say a few words, and i am squirming in shame and arousal.

Like i am right now, actually. Visuals are running through my mind like movies. Ideas, visions that stem from thoughts that stem from needs that i am just now identifying with any clarity, but which Padrone already understands. And i am consumed with a drive to be degraded that is deeper than i have ever felt before.

Padrone, maybe a public display like this...a public discussion, exposing my need for what it is...sparked something even deeper inside me. i don't know. But i am deeply grateful that our needs complement each other's so well. i hate that i need this so much. But i yearn to show You just how much i can, will, and need to be degraded...and i yearn to be used to meet the equally strong need within You to see me that way. It is Yours, this most hated need....as i am, my Owner. Totally, irrevocably, Yours.

Padrone's Birthday!

Happy Birthday, my Master!

i have nothing to give You except myself, which You already own so well and so totally. But once again i freely offer everything i am, and recommit to doing all i can, giving all i have, to make You happy.

You changed the rules this morning, just a bit, and we'll see how that works, if it eases the things i have such difficulty with....and even if it doesn't, i hope You enjoy the changes anyway.

Today's post is quite short, and nothing deep or philosophical or even too mushy. It is a simple, heartfelt wish for Your birthday to be as wonderful as You are to me, Padrone.

Thank You for Your loving ownership.

Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Gratitude

i've been thinking about something Padrone has said to me several times over the couple of years i have been blogging. It seems i have a tendency to make Him look like more than He thinks He is, and i can see where that may be a problem. My stand on it is that i think most submissives who read this blog understand how i feel about Padrone because they tend to feel the same way (at least to a degree) about their own Masters, and other Doms who read this blog understand how i feel because they understand that most slaves feel that way about their Masters.

It's a natural, human nature kind of thing. It has also taken me a long time but i'm finally getting the idea that Padrone feels just as strongly, and as strongly *positive*, about me as i do about Him.

i began to think about just how i feel about Padrone, and just how i portray Him here. And i have called Him my hero, and He is, for many reasons. But the way i feel about Him is absolutely NOT hero-worship and nothing more. i see faults in Him. i know i can't and don't see them all because we don't live together. But i know some of them. i know enough to realize that He is not perfect, but i guess...i simply choose not to portray His negative traits here. i choose not to focus on the negatives.

Maybe i am simply one of those who is fiercely loyal. Maybe the things Padrone has done for me, taught me, accepted about me, and overlooked in me make Him a true hero in my eyes. Maybe He really *is* a unique Master in that He views what we have as a relationship that needs work and has growing pains and should not be allowed to stagnate. Maybe His positive attributes far outweigh His negative ones.

Maybe i am looking at Him through "happily enslaved-colored glasses" or something. And maybe i have a deep level of respect for Him and really prefer not to publish something here that is a strongly negative thing.

But none of that means that i don't see it. Nor does it mean that i choose to ignore anything negative and only focus on the positive. What it does mean is that i have seen a lot WORSE in men in my life than i believe i will ever see in Padrone. And for that, i have an immense level of gratitude.

So, maybe what this post is all about is the fact that gratitude, even extreme gratitude that i feel for Padrone and for our relationship, is not the same as hero worship. i can feel deep levels of gratitude and still have my head screwed on straight. i am not one of those who truly think i am worthless, that my only worth comes from being His. That is the sign of someone with far more problems than i have, and i have plenty, tyvm.

And so, given the fact that i am extremely (some would say excessively) grateful for my Master and how He treats me and how He owns me, isn't it natural that i would express that gratitude? Expressing it here means that i, for clarity's sake, must state why i am grateful. Not to mention that Padrone wants specifics when i thank Him for anything, and so....if i give specifics for things i am grateful for, then i must state positive things about Him.

Of course, i am also grateful that He is neither perfect nor wants me to even remotely entertain the idea that He is. Could you imagine being owned by someone who thought Himself perfect? Talk about pressure to strive for perfection yourself! That would be far greater pressure than what i put on myself even!

More things i am grateful for - maybe i will list a few here...not an all-inclusive list by any means, nor is it intended to be:

1. His lack of perfection. Yes i just typed that but it's tops on my list, period. i am truly glad i belong to a human, faults and all.

2. His patience. This speaks for itself.

3. His understanding nature. i really am grateful that His attitude is such that He doesn't *have* to understand everything, but since He understands that part...it means He understands that there are parts of me that He doesn't understand, and so He merely accepts that.

4. His acceptance - not only of my faults, but also of the good parts of me as well. That kind of sounds silly i know, but if He didn't accept the good parts of me, if He had the attitude that "oh i like this about you but you can do better"....then *i* would never have been able to accept the good things either. He just kind of says "i like you where you are, and who you are". That kind of acceptance has led me to accept things about myself, and even change things about myself for the better, and it spurs me onwards towards an attitude of yearning to please Him even more.

5. His giving nature. He is more thoughtful than He gives Himself credit for, in some ways. Since one of His philosophies regarding D/s is "a happy slave serves better", then He really does a lot to make me happy. Yep, it's quite a selfish reason to be generous isn't it? But the motivation does not negate the actions or the results, and i am extremely happy as His slave, and try very hard to serve to the best of my ability. Like Pavlov's dog i guess, conditioned that happiness brings increased desire to serve!

6. His realistic attitude. He views our relationship as just that, a relationship. He understands that we're human, and that every day won't be a perfect day. There will be misunderstandings, growing pains (yes, even after 4 years, and i am glad of that too), bad moods, life circumstances to work around - just as in any relationship. Things still surprise Him at times, which is not a bad thing, but even things He can't simply take in stride, He is far more capable of dealing with on His own than i am, as He said yesterday. He's human, and not a paragon of strength of course, and so i know there are always things He can't deal with either. Those are few and far between, from what i can see, and that, again, is because of His realistic attitude.

7. His common sense. Again, it speaks for itself, and is related to having a realistic attitude i know. But so many men, when they begin to call themselves "Dominant" or "Master" send their common sense out the window.

8. His work to make this relationship work. i know that was rather clumsily worded, but i didn't know how to word it coherently. He puts a lot of time, thought, energy, and effort into this relationship. Again, it isn't as if He took on the label of Master and put the work of the relationship on the submissive, as many seem to do. He realizes that our relationship is not only unique in terms of D/s relationships, it is also unique to each of us in comparison to every other relationship we have ever had. So He recognizes that it takes effort and work to keep it strong...maybe not as much as it took to *make* it strong, but at times, even more.

9. His ability to wait for me to grow. Yes, i realize that falls under "patience" but it is a unique kind of patience i wanted to discuss a bit. There are times when He indicates a preference for things, actions, attitudes...things He admires or finds attractive or interesting. He doesn't always say those things in order for me to work towards changing how i act or who i am - but sometimes He does. And sometimes i want to do it simply to please Him more, of course. Sometimes i can't do it, or at least not soon after i realize His preferences. Sometimes it takes a lot of "mental gymnastics" for me to reach a place of being able to do it at all. Sometimes it takes facing more "demons" - usually ones i either thought i had already eliminated, or ones i never knew existed. But He waits, especially when He knows i am working towards giving Him what He would like to have. He says we have all the time in the world, and there is no hurry. See why i am grateful for this???

10. His philosophy, His attitudes, His influence. He comes from a different culture than i do, and i realize that some of the way He views things is because of a different cultural perspective. But the reasons for it don't matter - the fact remains that He has taught me a different way to look at life, at my actions, even at my attitudes and how they affect others around me. He has never said to me "change this about yourself", but i have seen in Him a calm, peaceful attitude (for the most part) that i have learned to attribute to His outlook on life in general. i have learned about them, about the way He views things, and i have accepted that He is right in so many things even though they aren't what i initially wanted to hear! His influence has created major changes in me, maybe even more than i wanted but that's a question for another day.

12. His encouragement. He treats me as if i can do whatever i set my mind to do, as long as i'm not simply chasing rabbits. He lets me know He believes in me, in my abilities, in my strength and in my intelligence.

13. His strength. He said recently that He doesn't think He is nearly as strong as i think He is, but what i think He misses is that i am not thinking in terms of ... power, of forceful strength...even powerful emotional strength. i am thinking in terms of comparison to myself, for one thing, and at times everyone would be stronger than i am emotionally. But i am also remembering consistency...not as much in the idea that You say the right things at the right times or whatever, but....more that You simply let me be upset, let me be weak, let me lean on You...no matter what, or when i need You. If You have no words to say, You say nothing. But You listen, You let me talk or cry or worry or stress - and You stay calm (outwardly at least) - the perfect sign of strength for when i am floundering in turbulent emotional waters. That is what i mean when i call You strong, Padrone, more than anything else i could say. Your demeanor is such that i feel as if i have been pulled against You and held, safe and protected. An illusion i know, but a wonderful and much needed one - and an emotionally fulfilling one, which makes one wonder if it is indeed an illusion after all.

14. His sense of humor, His intelligence, even His quirky nerdiness. Pretty self-explanatory there!

15. His treatment of me as unique. You know, there are very few rules that i live by that aren't unique to me. He didn't come into this with a DEEP and STRONG attitude of "any slave of MINE will do this and not do that!". He learned about me, my life, my circumstances, and He owns *me* as a unique individual, and not as a submissive who will mold herself to fit His idea of what a submissive should be, act, say, do. He gave me the chance to learn what HE wants, and He learned that my submission is true and deep and that my deepest desire is to honor and please Him. And so, He has shaped my surrender to Him to suit us both perfectly. My attitude suited His needs perfectly - i need to give just what He needs to receive - to serve, please and obey.

16. His love. Yes, i know, that is a nice mushy one. But He says things like - He is happy with me just as i am, even if i never changed anymore at all. He says that He is happier in this relationship than He has ever been. He says that i am a good woman. He says that He wants us to be together forever....after earlier saying that He didn't feel comfortable promising forever because of the unpredictability of relationships. He says that i am His, and He says that He loves me.

How could i not feel grateful, deeply grateful, to this man? How could i not devote my life to serving and pleasing Him to the best of my abilities? How could i disrespect Him by whining and complaining here when things don't go the way i want them to? How could i dwell on all the negatives when there are so very many positives to dwell on?

Padrone, i will say it until i die. i am the luckiest slave on this earth to belong to You. i am simply Yours.

Doing it ANYWAY

i'm not sure just where this post will go. But i have been thinking lately about how often i really submit even when i don't "feel" like it. If i don't "feel" submissive, do i still act that way?

That's become very important to me for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is because lately i haven't "felt" an abundance of submission, and i usually pay very close attention to my actions when my feelings are a bit "off". So i know that my behaviors are alright, but the underlying emotions aren't my normal ones, which does affect the way i do things.

i don't often feel really down or distracted enough by my life here that i have a hard time feeling submission, but the past few days it's been really difficult not to sink into a level of despair, and that struggle has taken quite a lot of my emotional resources. My typical abundance of gratitude has not been overflowing. The devotion has been there but not to the degree it usually is. It isn't that i feel any *less* for Padrone....it is simply that i have been too stressed and too worried and too distracted here to be able to focus on Him like i usually do.

i miss it.

But yanno....now and then it's normal for me to resist, to not *want* to be uncomfortable, to not *want* to be sore, to *want* to curl up on the sofa when i feel the need for...comfort...it's far easier to let emotions settle when i can be in a place of physical comfort, than it is when i have to be uncomfortable physically.

i love that it shows submission even when i don't feel it, but i miss sitting on my sofa, snuggling with my daughter while we watch a tear-jerker chick flick. i hate being sore all the time, in at least one part of my body. i hate that Padrone loves me being so uncomfortable, and that's the bottom line. No matter how i hate it, He loves it, and so i will do it. It just gets really old.

It's not so bad, the vast majority of the time. But the past couple of weeks have been up and down after years of ups and downs, and i honestly think i reached the end of my rope this week. What i wouldn't give to be able to go somewhere, alone, for a weekend. What i really wish, in saying that, is that i could go away and have zero responsibility to anyone, zero worries about anything, and as little stress as is humanly possible. But it isn't possible, and for once i am looking at what i can't have and letting it affect me.

The reality is that i don't care who you are, or who your Master is, sometimes you won't FEEL submissive, or grateful, or devoted, or honored or whatever. Nobody can live that all the time, it is sheer fantasy. And if you, or your Master, expects that, then you're living in a fantasy world that has no bearing on reality. It doesn't matter WHAT label we attach to ourselves (i'm not just talking D/s here - could be mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, friend, employee, employer, etc.)...our label and the role we play within that label is only part of our entity. We can't live in one "role" all the time without burning out or resisting or downright rebelling. That's why my Granny used to say she wanted to move to a cabin in the woods and change her name! (with 13 grandkids, at least half of us underfoot and squabbling daily, who could blame her?!?!)

But that's the point. Everyone daydreams about escape now and then, even i do. Everyone rebels against what is asked of us at times, and everyone just...wishes they didn't have to (insert unwanted requirement here). And NOBODY can keep up a level of constantly *feeling* submissive, much less the other mushy emotions. It simply isn't possible.

The entire point of all of this is that, no matter what i feel, i always, always do my best to do what is required of me ANYWAY. To do, even when i don't feel like it. To give as best i can, even when i would love to curl up and have a good cry. To show the submission i don't overtly feel, even when i would rather fight and resist. To be the slave i am, even when i don't feel like it, even when it isn't easy and doesn't feel natural to do so.

To simply show what....and whose....i am.

i love being Padrone's slave, but there are times when i wish there were just a few less requirements. But AS His slave, i am even more glad that the decision is not up to me.

Oh well. This too shall pass, i understand that so very well. Things will get better, *i* will get better, and life will settle down into a happy place for me...for us.

Padrone, You know, after we talked last night, where my mind is now, and why i typed this post. i only hope it isn't *too* negative and didn't give the wrong impression. i absolutely love being Your slave, but this week, with so many other things requiring my time and emotional attention, the rules, the soreness, has just been more of a burden than usual. Usually it is a light burden, this week it has felt far heavier. But You understand, i know, because we talked about it for a long time. i guess i'm kind of...bending under the weight of life's burdens, and the framework seems heavier because of that.

i am so grateful that You understand, Padrone. i could never express how grateful i am for that, even when i don't feel the other emotions deeply, i always depend on Your understanding nature. i love You, my Master. Thank You for being so good to Your slave.