Gratitude

i've been thinking about something Padrone has said to me several times over the couple of years i have been blogging. It seems i have a tendency to make Him look like more than He thinks He is, and i can see where that may be a problem. My stand on it is that i think most submissives who read this blog understand how i feel about Padrone because they tend to feel the same way (at least to a degree) about their own Masters, and other Doms who read this blog understand how i feel because they understand that most slaves feel that way about their Masters.

It's a natural, human nature kind of thing. It has also taken me a long time but i'm finally getting the idea that Padrone feels just as strongly, and as strongly *positive*, about me as i do about Him.

i began to think about just how i feel about Padrone, and just how i portray Him here. And i have called Him my hero, and He is, for many reasons. But the way i feel about Him is absolutely NOT hero-worship and nothing more. i see faults in Him. i know i can't and don't see them all because we don't live together. But i know some of them. i know enough to realize that He is not perfect, but i guess...i simply choose not to portray His negative traits here. i choose not to focus on the negatives.

Maybe i am simply one of those who is fiercely loyal. Maybe the things Padrone has done for me, taught me, accepted about me, and overlooked in me make Him a true hero in my eyes. Maybe He really *is* a unique Master in that He views what we have as a relationship that needs work and has growing pains and should not be allowed to stagnate. Maybe His positive attributes far outweigh His negative ones.

Maybe i am looking at Him through "happily enslaved-colored glasses" or something. And maybe i have a deep level of respect for Him and really prefer not to publish something here that is a strongly negative thing.

But none of that means that i don't see it. Nor does it mean that i choose to ignore anything negative and only focus on the positive. What it does mean is that i have seen a lot WORSE in men in my life than i believe i will ever see in Padrone. And for that, i have an immense level of gratitude.

So, maybe what this post is all about is the fact that gratitude, even extreme gratitude that i feel for Padrone and for our relationship, is not the same as hero worship. i can feel deep levels of gratitude and still have my head screwed on straight. i am not one of those who truly think i am worthless, that my only worth comes from being His. That is the sign of someone with far more problems than i have, and i have plenty, tyvm.

And so, given the fact that i am extremely (some would say excessively) grateful for my Master and how He treats me and how He owns me, isn't it natural that i would express that gratitude? Expressing it here means that i, for clarity's sake, must state why i am grateful. Not to mention that Padrone wants specifics when i thank Him for anything, and so....if i give specifics for things i am grateful for, then i must state positive things about Him.

Of course, i am also grateful that He is neither perfect nor wants me to even remotely entertain the idea that He is. Could you imagine being owned by someone who thought Himself perfect? Talk about pressure to strive for perfection yourself! That would be far greater pressure than what i put on myself even!

More things i am grateful for - maybe i will list a few here...not an all-inclusive list by any means, nor is it intended to be:

1. His lack of perfection. Yes i just typed that but it's tops on my list, period. i am truly glad i belong to a human, faults and all.

2. His patience. This speaks for itself.

3. His understanding nature. i really am grateful that His attitude is such that He doesn't *have* to understand everything, but since He understands that part...it means He understands that there are parts of me that He doesn't understand, and so He merely accepts that.

4. His acceptance - not only of my faults, but also of the good parts of me as well. That kind of sounds silly i know, but if He didn't accept the good parts of me, if He had the attitude that "oh i like this about you but you can do better"....then *i* would never have been able to accept the good things either. He just kind of says "i like you where you are, and who you are". That kind of acceptance has led me to accept things about myself, and even change things about myself for the better, and it spurs me onwards towards an attitude of yearning to please Him even more.

5. His giving nature. He is more thoughtful than He gives Himself credit for, in some ways. Since one of His philosophies regarding D/s is "a happy slave serves better", then He really does a lot to make me happy. Yep, it's quite a selfish reason to be generous isn't it? But the motivation does not negate the actions or the results, and i am extremely happy as His slave, and try very hard to serve to the best of my ability. Like Pavlov's dog i guess, conditioned that happiness brings increased desire to serve!

6. His realistic attitude. He views our relationship as just that, a relationship. He understands that we're human, and that every day won't be a perfect day. There will be misunderstandings, growing pains (yes, even after 4 years, and i am glad of that too), bad moods, life circumstances to work around - just as in any relationship. Things still surprise Him at times, which is not a bad thing, but even things He can't simply take in stride, He is far more capable of dealing with on His own than i am, as He said yesterday. He's human, and not a paragon of strength of course, and so i know there are always things He can't deal with either. Those are few and far between, from what i can see, and that, again, is because of His realistic attitude.

7. His common sense. Again, it speaks for itself, and is related to having a realistic attitude i know. But so many men, when they begin to call themselves "Dominant" or "Master" send their common sense out the window.

8. His work to make this relationship work. i know that was rather clumsily worded, but i didn't know how to word it coherently. He puts a lot of time, thought, energy, and effort into this relationship. Again, it isn't as if He took on the label of Master and put the work of the relationship on the submissive, as many seem to do. He realizes that our relationship is not only unique in terms of D/s relationships, it is also unique to each of us in comparison to every other relationship we have ever had. So He recognizes that it takes effort and work to keep it strong...maybe not as much as it took to *make* it strong, but at times, even more.

9. His ability to wait for me to grow. Yes, i realize that falls under "patience" but it is a unique kind of patience i wanted to discuss a bit. There are times when He indicates a preference for things, actions, attitudes...things He admires or finds attractive or interesting. He doesn't always say those things in order for me to work towards changing how i act or who i am - but sometimes He does. And sometimes i want to do it simply to please Him more, of course. Sometimes i can't do it, or at least not soon after i realize His preferences. Sometimes it takes a lot of "mental gymnastics" for me to reach a place of being able to do it at all. Sometimes it takes facing more "demons" - usually ones i either thought i had already eliminated, or ones i never knew existed. But He waits, especially when He knows i am working towards giving Him what He would like to have. He says we have all the time in the world, and there is no hurry. See why i am grateful for this???

10. His philosophy, His attitudes, His influence. He comes from a different culture than i do, and i realize that some of the way He views things is because of a different cultural perspective. But the reasons for it don't matter - the fact remains that He has taught me a different way to look at life, at my actions, even at my attitudes and how they affect others around me. He has never said to me "change this about yourself", but i have seen in Him a calm, peaceful attitude (for the most part) that i have learned to attribute to His outlook on life in general. i have learned about them, about the way He views things, and i have accepted that He is right in so many things even though they aren't what i initially wanted to hear! His influence has created major changes in me, maybe even more than i wanted but that's a question for another day.

12. His encouragement. He treats me as if i can do whatever i set my mind to do, as long as i'm not simply chasing rabbits. He lets me know He believes in me, in my abilities, in my strength and in my intelligence.

13. His strength. He said recently that He doesn't think He is nearly as strong as i think He is, but what i think He misses is that i am not thinking in terms of ... power, of forceful strength...even powerful emotional strength. i am thinking in terms of comparison to myself, for one thing, and at times everyone would be stronger than i am emotionally. But i am also remembering consistency...not as much in the idea that You say the right things at the right times or whatever, but....more that You simply let me be upset, let me be weak, let me lean on You...no matter what, or when i need You. If You have no words to say, You say nothing. But You listen, You let me talk or cry or worry or stress - and You stay calm (outwardly at least) - the perfect sign of strength for when i am floundering in turbulent emotional waters. That is what i mean when i call You strong, Padrone, more than anything else i could say. Your demeanor is such that i feel as if i have been pulled against You and held, safe and protected. An illusion i know, but a wonderful and much needed one - and an emotionally fulfilling one, which makes one wonder if it is indeed an illusion after all.

14. His sense of humor, His intelligence, even His quirky nerdiness. Pretty self-explanatory there!

15. His treatment of me as unique. You know, there are very few rules that i live by that aren't unique to me. He didn't come into this with a DEEP and STRONG attitude of "any slave of MINE will do this and not do that!". He learned about me, my life, my circumstances, and He owns *me* as a unique individual, and not as a submissive who will mold herself to fit His idea of what a submissive should be, act, say, do. He gave me the chance to learn what HE wants, and He learned that my submission is true and deep and that my deepest desire is to honor and please Him. And so, He has shaped my surrender to Him to suit us both perfectly. My attitude suited His needs perfectly - i need to give just what He needs to receive - to serve, please and obey.

16. His love. Yes, i know, that is a nice mushy one. But He says things like - He is happy with me just as i am, even if i never changed anymore at all. He says that He is happier in this relationship than He has ever been. He says that i am a good woman. He says that He wants us to be together forever....after earlier saying that He didn't feel comfortable promising forever because of the unpredictability of relationships. He says that i am His, and He says that He loves me.

How could i not feel grateful, deeply grateful, to this man? How could i not devote my life to serving and pleasing Him to the best of my abilities? How could i disrespect Him by whining and complaining here when things don't go the way i want them to? How could i dwell on all the negatives when there are so very many positives to dwell on?

Padrone, i will say it until i die. i am the luckiest slave on this earth to belong to You. i am simply Yours.