My Most Hated Need

First, i want to type a disclaimer. What i am going to talk about today is rather emotional, it is about my own needs, and my emotions regarding those needs. It is NOT about actions or how the needs are fulfilled. It IS strictly about the needs i have as a slave. Well, specifically it is about one particular need.

And i hate it.

i have a deep, driving craving to be humiliated. Not simply called whore or bitch as i am being fucked. Well, i think it started that way, long ago, even before i knew what D/s or BDSM was. But really, who *doesn't* like some dirty talk during sex now and then? (i'm talking vanillas here - those of us in M/s relationships tend to have dirty talk all the time, so during sex maybe it's a bit redundant. i mean, really. If i can come to think of being called "fuckpig" - even in italian - as an endearment, wouldn't being told to "fuck me bitch" be a bit...blase?)

The thing is, i HATE that i need to be so deeply humiliated. It isn't what Padrone does, or even what i do myself at times, that is the issue. i can't believe how far it has gone, and of course there are *some* things that i am either not ready for or are outside the realm of safety and so wouldn't be possible. But what does happen, when it happens, is enough to make me literally dream of more.

i wake up sometimes in the morning, and before i am really fully awake, i am thinking of ways to be humiliated. Well, yes, it *is* a bit embarrassing to type that, but it just kind of illustrates in a new way just how deep this need is.

Does anyone think i *enjoy* dreaming or daydreaming about things that demean, mock, degrade, objectify, or publicly shame me?

Well. Yeah. i do.

*sigh*

And that's a real problem for me. i don't WANT to like it. i HATE that i like it. i HATE that i need it. And of course, now i have to try to figure out WHY i hate it so much. i know, to a degree, why i need it, but....shouldn't accepting that need help to at least diminish the hatred for it? i can understand that acceptance wouldn't necessarily bring positive feelings, but man....i really didn't know i would hate it forever.

So i've been thinking about the why. Not as much as i *will* think about it i am sure, but i kind of had a thought that may be an opening into deeper understanding of it all.

For me, the things that i do when humiliated, to be humiliated, the things that can humiliate me....i hate doing those (and hating the actions/words is required for humiliation to happen). i hate them more because they are socially unacceptable. They are frowned upon, folks laugh or mock or look on with disgust (and probably some interest) when i do those things. But the need itself.....

If you think about what humiliation IS, how it happens, then you realize that it is a matter of someone learning about another person's weaknesses, things tied directly with negative emotions, and exploiting them. There are a lot of things that i find humiliating, and of course they may not be the same that others would also find humiliating. But i HATE knowing that i am vulnerable to being expolited that way. i HATE knowing that i NEED to be expolited that way, and i HATE knowing that i NEED to be vulnerable to it as well!

But now, after going so far with Padrone, after Him learning me so well and finding those weak places and expoliting them, preying on them for His pleasure and amusement....i crave even deeper humiliation than i can even imagine, when i visualize scenarios. i crave deeper humiliation, maybe even a different kind of humiliation, than i ever have in my life. It is simply there, growing, and there is nothing i can do about it.

i need it. i literally can't do without it at this point in my life. But i hate knowing that all my weaknesses, all my fears, can be used "against" me.... even if they really aren't...even if all that happens is a deep need is met. It's the extreme vulnerability, i guess - the knowledge that all Padrone has to do is say a few words, and i am squirming in shame and arousal.

Like i am right now, actually. Visuals are running through my mind like movies. Ideas, visions that stem from thoughts that stem from needs that i am just now identifying with any clarity, but which Padrone already understands. And i am consumed with a drive to be degraded that is deeper than i have ever felt before.

Padrone, maybe a public display like this...a public discussion, exposing my need for what it is...sparked something even deeper inside me. i don't know. But i am deeply grateful that our needs complement each other's so well. i hate that i need this so much. But i yearn to show You just how much i can, will, and need to be degraded...and i yearn to be used to meet the equally strong need within You to see me that way. It is Yours, this most hated need....as i am, my Owner. Totally, irrevocably, Yours.