i'm just happy

i've been "stuck" when thinking about what to type here, lately. In a way that's not a bad thing, because the kind of person i am means that i don't typically type about my daily life, or about specific interactions with Padrone (on a regular basis, it sometimes happens of course. Maybe i should do that more often, huh?). For me, it's usually something that has been on my mind that makes me stop and go "oh yeah" or "wow", or even thoughts that are sparked by words on other blogs or from conversations with other people. Used to i had a lot of thoughts like this, more than now i guess. i have wondered why, and i really think it is mainly because our relationship is more settled, the growth is ... calmer, for lack of a better way to describe it. There are fewer emotional disturbances, dramatic shifts from high to low (note that i did NOT say "fewer dramatic highs and lows", because the highs are always wonderful and getting more high and more dramatic).

What i mean to say is that our relationship is wonderful (NOT perfect by any means, but a very good relationship), and settled from the initial drama, into a pretty consistent "great". Last night, on the way home from work, i was thinking about how happy i am. Just happy. i can honestly say i don't remember just feeling happy about my life, without a "yes but" entering into it. But now...i can.

No, life isn't perfect. Circumstances aren't easy. Not having ever touched my Master. Unfulfilling, boring, job. Very tight finances. The ex. Job hunting. Etc.

But i'm safe. i'm loved. i'm accepted - even the things i never knew about myself because i refused to dig deep enough into the ugliness to see. i'm wanted, needed, held in great esteem by the man who has simply and quietly rocked my world.

He and i talked about what i could type here this week. i'm kind of drawing a blank lately, and it's because a lot of what i type is related to where we are in our relationship. It's good, and i love doing it, but lately Padrone has finally had a taste of the "boring" He needs when things get, and stay, extremely stressful. So it's kind of hard to find things to type about. So anyway, i asked Him earlier this week, and the thought He presented as an idea is one that is still rattling around in my blonde brain. But last night, as i was thinking about it on the way home from work, it really hit me that i am happy in every sense of our relationship.

i mean, truly, soul-deep happy.

That has never happened to me before. The contented kind of happiness that means that i am smiling as i sit at my computer while Padrone is a bit grumpy, knowing that if we were together, i'd simply go about my business, doing chores, or reading, or something inconspicuous...yet almost unconsciously picking up on His vibe so that if He wants or needs me, i'd be around. The kind of happiness that doesn't require reassurance, constant attention, petting, stroking, building, or tending to keep burning. This kind of happiness exists because of the knowledge that it was created by something real, strong, and lasting.

This is going to sound strange, i think, and many may not know exactly what i mean when i say it - but i am happy in a "vanilla" sort of way.

There are times when we in M/s rely too much on feelings to sort of gauge where our relationships are. If we are "feeling" Dominant/submissive, then our relationship is fulfilling and we're happy. If we aren't "feeling" those things, then something is obviously "wrong". i don't agree, but i realize that i am speaking strictly from the perspective i have now - not what i had when our relationship was young.

What i mean is that, now, my being happy has a different cause. i'm happy simply because i am in a relationship with Padrone. Because of who we are, our relationship will always be M/s, but truthfully, the M/s dynamic is expressed less consciously as time passes, allowing the more "vanilla" dynamic to happen...and the simple happiness i find flowing through my entire life is due far more to the "vanilla" dynamic than the M/s. Why? Well, it is the one that will allow us to walk through the mall when we're old, holding hands like the "sweet old couples" we all see. It won't be because i am His slave, it will be because i am the woman in His life, that He loves. He *does* love me because i am His slave, it's a major part of my personality. But He loves me because of most of the rest of my personality, and in spite of parts of my personality, as well. And vice versa of course.

So, here i am, one happy woman in spite of circumstances, and simply because of the love Padrone and i have. Maybe this is a mushy post, but it isn't intended to be. i'm not feeling unusually mushy, i'm just....yes i know y'all are tired of hearing it but...i'm just plain HAPPY, darnit!

And yes, i do love You Padrone. *kiss*