Punishment and being fair

So last week i was sick. i had H1N1 (i *just* learned it isn't N1H1 like i thought for so long. Who cares anyway? It will always be swine flu to most of us!) i got and took Tamiflu very early after the onset of symptoms, so the duration of my own illness wasn't long. i still feel a bit congested in my chest, and cough a little, but i am MUCH better, believe me! So is my son, who is back at school, btw.

But something rather interesting happened last week, on the very day i got sick. Padrone, the night before, had assigned a task for me to perform when i got up the next morning, and i was to text when i had done it. I had to work very early, and this task was one he had never asked of me before....it was also extremely humiliating.

Well, i had coughed a tiny bit late that night, and woke up coughing that morning, and i simply forgot to do the task. That makes me squirm and want to justify myself even just typing it! But from worrying about my son, about leaving him alone with him so sick, and wondering if i should call in to work or go (i had had a sore throat over the weekend and couldn't be *absolutely* sure i was getting H1N1....and calling in is something i would feel stupid about in a "what if" kind of situation)...anyway, all of those things combined with my feeling ill, simply ran the thing out of my mind.

i failed to obey.

When Padrone realized it, and saw that i had indeed gone to work, he assigned a different task...one that was in the same ballpark as the first, but he also included a caveat - if i didn't do this second task, all day long, then i would have to be punished.

Now, as an aside, i will tell you that Padrone HATES to punish me almost as much as i hate to be punished. Wait, that's not entirely accurate on my part. i hate being punished but i hate DESERVING punishment even more! Anyway, the system we devised after several emotional punishments was that i have a container with several slips of paper on it, with a different punishment on each paper. Padrone and i came up with them together, and He told me which ones to include on the slips of paper. When i need to be punished in a way that doesn't have a "built in" punishment, i have to pick a punishment randomly from the container and do it. It works because i know what is there, so i know the options for punishment. i won't be surprised by something - and he won't have to think of new things or even remember what has worked in the past, because it is in place. Consequences for actions - pretty equal in severity - ALL chosen by Padrone, the specific one randomly chosen by me.

Well, i said it works, but frankly i am not punished very often, so this has actually never been used. i think Padrone is kind of looking forward to it!

So, if i didn't do the alternate task all day long, i would have to pick a punishment.

i got too ill to work very soon after i got there, as i kind of expected, and went home and straight to bed, after taking medicine. i slept from sheer exhaustion and woke up more ill every time i slept. i missed the task, and when i texted Padrone to let him know, i begged to have the punishment postponed until after i was better....but i really was upset at being punished anyway because of how sick i was...i really don't think i *could* have done what he wanted. It wasn't something very dramatic... i was only allowed to use the bathroom during the first 5 minutes of every hour, and i used it at a different time. i just woke up and had to pee, so i did without thinking about it until i got back into bed.

i was so upset, with myself and as time passed, with Padrone. i'm not sure, now, why i was so upset with HIM, except i had told him i was sick with the flu and sleeping most of the time, and usually when i am that sick he lifts the physically restricting requirements (like wearing the brush tail and lapping the bowl first thing in the morning...not something i could do while coughing like i was, etc.) He understands, of course...and i was so surprised when he didn't tell me not to worry about the punishment, that he knew i couldn't restrict my bathroom use to that degree when i was so sleepy and druggy and sick. But he didn't, he simply agreed to postpone the punishment, so i got upset.

Poor Padrone - lol. i cried and cried when we talked that night, cried and coughed and wheezed and i know he didn't understand half of what i was saying! But he said "we'll talk about it when you're better". Ugh. i really hate that, although i KNOW it is wise to do, but *i* feel like something is hanging over my head!

Yesterday i asked him about it.

He rescinded the punishment.

So why am i typing about it?

The reason he gave is that he thought about my circumstances and decided that punishing me would not be fair. It really hit me all over again just how lucky i am. Not that he didn't punish me, although i am DEEPLY grateful for that, as i would have felt resentful and pouted if he had, and i would have had something to get over and i hate getting over things! But i am so grateful that Padrone takes the time to ponder things, to think about them and try to see as many perspectives of the same situation as he can to make as fair a decision as possible.

It made me think, as per usual. Padrone used to tell me that life as a slave was unfair, when i would complain about it. Even now there are times, when he wants to feel the power in a strong way, when he will reiterate the unfairness of my chosen role in our relationship. But he has learned, and i have learned, and we have both grown in this particular aspect of our relationship and now his idea of punishing me is one that i am DEEPLY grateful for.

He simply hates to do it, but he will when necessary, and since i know that because of his consistency in punishing when i need it, then i try very hard to NOT deserve it. AND since he knows THAT about ME, when i do something like forget a task, he recognizes how totally out of character it is, and he begins to look at circumstances.

That day he was so surprised that i didn't do what i was told to do, that he immediately understood that something had prevented it - so instead of immediately punishing he assigned an alternate task. He was faced with a situation he has never faced with me, when i failed in that as well.

But what he did was give himself time away from my sickness-enhanced emotions to think and to look and see just what he had asked of me and just how i would complete it, and he realized that since i was so sick and sleeping and drugged, it was totally understandable that i would have answered nature's call instinctively as i did when i peed when i wasn't allowed to. (i was really so sick and sleepy that i don't remember even going into the bathroom!) In other words, he took the time to look objectively at the circumstances surrounding my disobedience and realized that they were extenuating enough to prevent my total focus on obedience that i try very hard to give. Bottom line, he was fair.

Now, had he thought differently after that kind of perusal, we still would have discussed it. He had said "we'll talk about it when you're better", and that meant we would talk about it, not that he would hand down a decision on THIS particular thing, unilaterally. It could have happened that way of course, and i would have honored it if it had. of course. But he chose to include my input, because he recognized how uncharacteristic my actions were, and he really wanted to know why. His thoughts led him there, but if they hadn't, he planned on listening to my words to understand me a bit better.

We're at the place where understanding the reasons for disobedience is more important than punishment. Disobedience is not something either of us desire - hence rules that challenge but aren't impossible, and designed to fit my life and lifestyle. He hates to punish, have i mentioned that? And i hate to fail, to deserve to be punished....and so what is in place is something that allows us to live our lives naturally and happily, rather than him waiting for the next drama, and me waiting for the shoe to drop all the time. Obedience is what he wants from me, so he puts in place things that allow me to be obedient rather than set me up to fail.

And so, when i can't or don't obey....usually i will text with details why, and he has an idea of what is happening until we can talk in more detail. What happened last week was extremely unusual, and i am so grateful that Padrone acted the way he did and treated me with fairness. Even if he had chosen to punish, it was very fair of him to take the time to think about it and keep the option open to hear my thoughts if needed.

Padrone, i am going to reiterate just how incredibly blessed i am to have you as my Master. You are simply wonderful to me, and i am so deeply grateful - and yes, i acknowledge that some of the gratitude stems from the fact that You chose not to punish me. But that particular choice sent me down a path of gratitude and pondering that will make it even easier for me to feel grateful when You feel it necessary *to* punish, even if i disagree. i have peeked a bit more into Your mind - looking at the way You do things and not just what You do, and that will smooth paths in the future for Your "have to understand why obsessively" slave.

Thank You for honoring me with Your respect for my thoughts and feelings, and thank You for showing Your love for me in so many ways. i am grateful that You taught me, long ago, to look for those ways.

i adore You, my Love.