What makes me a slave

Well, i've been thinking about something Padrone mentioned, and i guess it's time i type those thoughts out. A warning though, they may not be coherent in the least!

i've typed about how our relationship has evolved into one that looks quite vanilla on the surface. A lot of the ways we interact are "vanilla", without overt D/s overtones apparent. So maybe, just maybe, that begs the question....so what makes me call myself slave?

Is it because of the kinkiness that Padrone and i share? Maybe. Is it because of my desire to please him? Maybe. Is it because of a need to feel his control often throughout my day? Maybe.

It's all of those things and so much more.

My basic personality is one of submissiveness. i am not one of those women who is assertive in her "other life". i am more passive, more of a pleaser, more of a follower under most circumstances than many submissive women are with others than their Master. i have often called myself a wimp. i feel the need for approval of most everyone around me, and that causes me numerous problems at times. (Well, that's changing due to Padrone's influence. Yay!) i do have circumstances when i lead rather than follow, but to be honest a lot of what i do is sit back and watch and learn and either keep my mouth shut or join in. Rarely will i just say "come on, sheesh, let's just get going here!" or whatever.

i realize that part of it is the folks i associate with. i am what is commonly called "underemployed". The type of person one associates with regularly while underemployed aren't necessarily the type who are willing to accept input. So it's a case of "mouth shut, do work, get paid". Hey, i LIKE the get paid bit! With professionals, i tend to judge myself and find myself lacking and all intimidated and such, so i am passive then as well. At church it's a different kind of thing. i merely *act* passive there. i socialize of course, and enjoy it, but they are also a far more....strict....kind of devoted worshipper than i have grown into being, and that kind of leads me to keep my mouth shut there as well, nod and smile and listen to the spouting of less tolerant views that i hold. Even with my kids there is a large part of myself held back, which is only natural. :)

But it's the same way with everyone. We each exhibit different behaviors in different circumstances, and even for the most Dominant person there is a time for silence and passive behavior. That's living life in general. So what makes me different? What is it about myself that makes me call myself a slave?

First would naturally have to be the extreme submissiveness of my personality. i *can* take charge, and i have when necessary. i enjoy it at times and to a degree. But i would never want to have that kind of control/responsibility for another person, or persons, all the time. For me, serving others comes naturally, in a way that makes them happy. For me, giving of myself until i am empty and letting Padrone take over is the most fulfilling thing i can think of.

But i am sure there are "vanilla" women who love to please their partners as well, even if maybe not to the same degree or with the same level of acceptance. Even the kinkiness of our relationship reflects that need to give, and to take on his part, that is present in so many relationships. So what else?

Maybe that very acceptance of the submissive part of my personality. i mean, society nowadays has us all wondering about our roles, men and women alike, and it isn't easy saying "this is how i am". i am no longer struggling...not with my submissive nature itself, nor the depth of it. Each of those items has been a very difficult issue for me at some point in my journey. But accepting it meant that i could begin to explore and find out what acting on that submission meant. It opened a door that i didn't even realize was there before i simply said "i'm submissive". It has really opened my eyes to what are probably the biggest differences between me and a "vanilla" partner.

i need. i need, very deeply, many many things. i have clawing needs to be known, to be understood, to be accepted just as i am. i need to change, once i am accepted, into being the best person i can be. i need to be needed, without restraint and without shame. i need to be seen as the very bad, terrible person i sometimes see myself as, and to be made to feel that i'm still loved, wanted, needed. i need to be taken back into the terrible mindset through humiliation, now and then, and safely brought back and loved even more deeply. i need to show just how much i love someone else by doing whatever is asked of me. i need to open myself, keeping nothing hidden....all the good, all the bad, the innocent, the silly, the selfish, the giving....the demons and the amazing *good* that exist side by side within the person of me. i need to show all of that, to reveal the depths of who i am, and be accepted. i need to pour myself out, and to be refilled with Padrone....i need to lose some ways of thinking, about the world, about others, about myself...and see things through the eyes of the man i respect more than i could ever express.

i need the emotional security that only living as a slave can grant me. i need to know that i am loved as unconditionally as one human could love another. i need to have the pillar of my life be one that is secure and unmoving, stable, continuing and unchanging in the important ways. i need to know that my holding on to that pillar is welcome, needed, not a hindrance or a burden. i need to know that, no matter how deeply i need, i am equally as deeply needed. i need to understand that even my ugliness is not a deterrent to my pleasing him. i need to trust, deeply and irrevocably and without doubts. i need to know that the one in whom i trust is worthy of it. i need to be able to go to him with small and large things, to call at a moment's notice to speak of a very slim chance of a good job, or to hear his pride when i move further into my certification. i need to know that i can simply talk things through, clarifying them as i go, and he will listen even when i confuse him, simply because he understands the way i think.

And i need to understand that physical things will be expected, demanded of me. i need to know that he can take what he wishes from me, mentally, physically, emotionally....especially when i don't want to give it. i need to be controlled, to be accountable for my actions, my words, my desires. i need to be taken and shown that kind of control, even when i don't want it, simply to meet the need that is difficult to admit. And i need to understand that HE understands when pushing me would do more harm than good.

i need to know that the respect i feel is deserved by the one i give myself to. i need to feel intensely grateful for things in my life. i need to give the credit for so many of the good things to someone else - so that i can be freed to simply enjoy them. And i need to give....and give and give and give....

i need the structure of expectations on my time, my thoughts, my behaviors. i need to live by the basic concept of choices and consequences, punishment and reward. i need to be accountable for my actions. i need the framework i have in place now, and i need to know that my behaviors and words reflect on my Master, even if noone else realizes that they do.

i honestly have no idea how to coherently put into words what makes me a slave, someone who could never live in a "vanilla" relationship now. So many of the things i mentioned have been established long ago, so that what we live now may *seem* vanilla to some folks on the outside looking in.

All i know is that what we have is very much M/s, even if we have never met. Who we are - most definitely Master, and most definitely slave. We live within the realm of reality, rather than a fantasy world of D/s, and living as a slave in a M/s relationship has allowed my slave nature to be revealed and explored in ways i have never experienced before. It has been interesting, fun, and challenging to learn about myself as a slave, and it has only been possible because Padrone is the kind of Master he is.

Padrone, i know this isn't exactly what we talked about in terms of a blog topic, but i also know that you don't care that i didn't type exactly what you suggested. :) It is, as you have repeatedly said, my blog....my thoughts....my topics....my words. i am deeply grateful for the respect you show me in that attitude, Padrone, as well as for so much more that you do...say...and give to me, your devoted and grateful slave.