So i took it yesterday....

And i honestly have no idea how i did on the test. i felt quite good when i left the room, but the questions were so subjective, that i began second guessing myself almost immediately. But i did my best, and that is all i can do. If i failed it, i will take it again, and study more and differently and with a bit of experience under my belt. That may help, who knows?

Anyway, at this stage there is nothing to do but wait and see. i did my best, and that is all i can control. Believe it or not, i'm not even anxious about it, although i know it will be in the back of my mind until i hear the results. It will probably pop up in most conversations - lol.

Friday morning i expressed, rather blatantly, a need to be humiliated. That still sounds strange when i say that about myself, but frankly i believe i needed to be put "in my place" - humiliation allows me to express the doubts, the insecurities, the self-loathing i experience as a result of my past, but in a safe way. It's kind of strange, and it took us a long time, maybe too long, to get there, but it most definitely helps to purge the most negative of negative emotions. It took a long time for me to really understand my need for humiliation, but now i think i do. That understanding has freed me to express that need a bit more often and without the burning shame i used to feel when i would in essence, ask to be treated like shit.

But the point is that i feel that i deserve it sometimes, simply because old thoughts and emotions aren't going to go away. When i feel that i deserve to be treated badly, i ask (in my own way) for Padrone to humiliate me, so that i can safely feel the emotions i have no choice but to feel, and they can be defused and their effects controlled rather than controlling me. i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, and it isn't the only reason i need humiliation, by any means. But it is a powerful one, and a much-needed one, but sometimes i just need it for no obvious reason. It's kind of like talking dirty during sex. It enhances emotions that aren't definable, and makes the sex even more intense. Or it does for me at least, and that's the other dynamic of humiliation. It simply makes the M/s dynamic more intense, as well as meeting a very personal, strong, need as well.

But that's also how i came to crave pain and suffering. It began as a way of purging my heart and mind of negative emotions, and the gratitude i felt for the erasing of the thoughts, at least temporarily, was overwhelming.

Now, pain and suffering is a way to show so much more than that. Of course, there is the "i will prove what i will do for You" aspect, and the "do more so i can show You more how much i am Yours" aspect. But recently it has come to mind that it is more an expression of powerlessness, of release of all power and authority, allowing me to become totally mindless, will-less, and to float on and in HIS will and desires for as long as he needs, wants, or even wishes to hold me there. Even now, thinking about it, the need to pour all the stress, the unwanted worry and emotions, out...only to be filled with the physical expression of all of those things...pain, suffering, agony....but physical rather than emotional....and if there is sexual release by either or both of us...the overwhelming relief, release, gratitude (not strictly the right word but so hard to define) for the opportunity to let life go for a while, even when i don't need it or even want it...all i can say is i am so grateful that Padrone, who didn't consider himself much of a sadist when we met, has learned to love my pain and suffering for his own reasons!

i do realize that what i experience is different in so many ways than what others experience, if only because of the distance involved here. That doesn't make the pain any less real (maybe less intense, since i'm not self-destructive, and can't make the cane land but *so* hard, no matter how i try), nor does it make it any less effective. Let's face it, tiger balm coated toy in my ass is going to hurt, badly, and for a long time...and that pain can, and is, manipulated for his pleasure, every time he wants it. That's what it is all about, or for us at least.

But the humiliation i went through on Friday morning was so needed. i am quivering inside even now, thinking of it and how much pressure it eased from my mind, just before the test. *i* see NOW that the test was probably the reason i needed it so badly, because of all the doubts and fears and old demons rearing their ugly heads, along with new thoughts that i simply am ignoring in hopes that they'll go away. Well, i don't really believe they will, i just don't want to deal with them right now, so i'm not. i do know that's emotionally dangerous, but when i feel able to work through them, i will, unless it's forced on me in the meantime.

Padrone, i am so looking forward to suffering for You. my body is tingling with the need for pain, for fire, for lashes, for bruises. And i bought fresh ginger at the grocery store, just so You know!

Padrone, i sincerely hope that circumstances free time for us to spend focused solely on our M/s dynamic, very, very soon. i am so Yours, and i feel that i haven't shown You how deeply surrendered i am to You very well lately. i know You know it, and that it hasn't affected our relationship, but it feels so good to reiterate it, reinforcing our dynamic, and our love as well. i am so Yours, my wonderful and patient and wise Padrone. Grazie.