Am I crazy or just confused?

So i took that test i have been talking about forever, and won't know the results until after Easter. That's cool - i'm a little bit impatient, but since i have no clue how i did on it, i have no expectations, merely hopes.

i'm continuing to work at the dead-end job i have been working for a while now, and it pays the bills (doesn't fix the car though), and planning on a vastly different future as soon as possible.

The problem has become a plethora of opportunities, which i have always despised because i'm very, very wishy-washy. (Indecisive, easily swayed by current thoughts) And so what has happened is that my future doesn't look quite the same as it did a few weeks ago.

I have been allowed to add a part time job to what i already do, one which is with an entirely different population i was targeting before now, and i'm unsure of my desire to work with this population. This job is planned to lead into a more professional one, which is what my goal is. Since i have homeschooled for 16+ years, it's been quite difficult in my rural community to find a professional part time job that wasn't too demanding with my kids needs. Now, my youngest is one year away from graduating, and wants me to "go for it" - quite encouraging, and very responsible and willing to handle her last year of schooling (frankly, all we do then is college prep stuff, writing papers and reviewing concepts more than actual teaching) as long as i am there to help with college applications and visits and things like that. So, that's why this year is my year to start a new career.

I've always thought i'd be teaching though. So i have pursued that, and i do understand that it may take more than i have been told (even the certification department in our state dept of education has given me different stories about what i would be required to do), and that lack of knowledge is making me crazy - lol.

i told the new employer that i have been pursuing teaching and she is QUITE encouraging about it, and frankly, it may work out anyway. She's very flexible, and i could work on my certification (if i have to do more than i think, although i honestly believe i could get a job teaching SPED if i simply pass the Praxis, and work on other things while working, if necessary - school districts are desperate for SPED teachers, even if they are laying off other types of teachers, because of No Child Left Behind and the stringent mandates for teachers who teach a subject actually being *certified* in that subject) while i work for her as well.

And i also have applied for a couple of other professional jobs as well, things that don't pay as well as they should, but better than i make now, and the hours would be far better as well. Working conditions too, for the most part, but any time one gets into any kind of behavior management situations, one ends up dealing with folks with behavior problems and that can be messy at times.

So. i guess i wonder if i am crazy for looking outside what i have always considered my "dream job" in any way, or if i should remain single-minded towards the one goal i have always had. i'm thinking of this as the opportunity to explore new ideas and possibilities, and this particular job has some wonderful aspects to it. As i said, the boss is very flexible and understanding and willing to work around needs and plans. It's locally owned, and while it is a corporation, the board members are all local as well. The clientele are local too. So there wouldn't be the hassle involved with larger corporations such as Wal Mart or where i work now. Far more relaxed in a lot of ways, which is a very good thing, although of course the clients come first and the work is done before "play". It's the atmosphere that is appealing at the moment, i have to say.

And, quite frankly, i have thought about a different option even within the realm of being educator, one that pays more than working in a school system....enough more to offset the 12 months as opposed to 10 months in a school system (if money is my object, which of course i am not totally sure of yet, since i've never had any and i dunno just how much is "enough" for me).

So i am either crazy, or totally confused, or maybe being wise. Exploring options is good, right? This is EXACTLY why i had such a hard time declaring a major in college - i didn't know what i wanted to do THEN, and i STILL don't, obviously.

i guess, for me, it isn't as much about what i will be doing, as being respected for who i am, what i know, what i do, and not looked over as the invisible woman who (insert my job title here). i want to enjoy my job, my coworkers, my working environment, and those i am responsible for caring for, teaching, etc. i want a positive atmosphere, not a repressive one. i want to work in an environment of acceptance and encouragement, rather than constant stress and struggle. i know stress is part of life, and indeed of any job we have, but there are some jobs where the stress levels are far lower than others, as i'm sure we all know as well.

So now You know one reason i am so deeply grateful for Padrone and his guidance. He *is* objective in this because he sees from the outside looking in. He can look at all the possibilities that i tell him about, and see flaws or potential for negative things far easier than i can. i tend to look at the rosy side of things, and of course, the grass is always greener and all that. If i'm in a negative situation and i see one that even "seems" more positive, i am ready to jump in with both feet - lol!

And so now to the part you've all been waiting for - how all that craziness relates to our relationship!

That's far more difficult to explain, actually. It makes me depend on Padrone and his insights more than usual, that's for sure. It's hard to accept if he sees things differently than i do, but i never doubt his perspective. i usually end up thinking about what he said in terms of what i know (since he only knows what i tell him, he may not always have as full a picture as i do, even thought i always try hard to give him all the information i have regarding anything needing a decision), and either realizing that i had forgotten to tell him something, or that he does have the right perspective and that it is simply emotions that make it hard to accept. It does involve a great deal of submission, in a lot of ways, because it simply is hard to give that kind of control to someone else. If he told me not to take a job, i wouldn't. i actually did call to turn down the part time job i am now taking (it was initially offered as full time and immediate, and i couldn't do that in such a new field for me, and also not without giving notice - AND the progression into professional wasn't clearly laid out either, so i wasn't allowed to leave one dead-end job for another). When i called to turn it down, i was given this new information, talked with Padrone again, and he is allowing me to try it part time. So he is also quite flexible if new information comes up as well.

i know, i'm skirting the hard stuff.

All this mentally takes me away from my focus in some ways, even though it enhances and sharpens it in many others. i find myself distracted at times, like this morning when it took all my submission to focus on him even the small amout he required. i guess that was because it was a constant...awareness, more than action. It was just that i hoped to talk about ... all this i guess, the doubts, the wonderings...and he didn't allow that opportunity. Part of it is the time constraints presently on us. Maybe i'm simply struggling against them for now, i don't know. Tonight his time changes and we're back to 7 hours difference, which means another schedule adjustment after two weeks of a temporary routine.

And now i sound as if i am complaining. i don't mean to at all, i guess i'm just trying to give an accurate reflection of some of the difficulties of living so far apart and having a "real" D/s relationship. There are times it is so hard to submit, and sometimes the act of submitting leads to feelings of submission, and other times it doesn't. It just is what it is. Sometimes it is hard to feel as if i am taken seriously when i have a fake cock in my ass while we're talking. Sometimes being interrupted to be reminded of an instruction is frustrating. Sometimes it's simply hard. Period.

But i couldn't live any other way. i will always be submissive, i always have been and couldn't change now even if i wanted to. It's not always easy. Sometimes it's a lot harder than at other times. And i know that i am not the easiest person to get along with, much less to own. i can be rebellious at times, even if i don't express it overtly.

i guess i said that to say that, even in times when my life is nowhere near on any certain path other than as Padrone's slave, i will forever be that. Padrone, i have never felt so sure of anything as i am of that one fact. So even when it's hard, even when i don't get just what i want, or give just what i want to give, or say or do or express just what i want...i am Yours. We are so alike in our thoughts so much of the time, the way we look at things (i've learned a lot from You, Padrone) is so similar, that it is sometimes hard to take when You view things differently. Especially when You're right.

And i am such a wimp when it comes to saying "no", and i am so grateful for Your stance on that as well, Padrone.

i wish i had a clear path to the future. i wish i knew which way to go, where i would be a year from now, even 6 months from now. That uncertainty is really wearing on me, i guess, Padrone, and i am really, really sorry that it affects You through my service. i will try hard to minimize the effects while we are together, even if it all jumbles up again the moment we leave!

Thank You for Your focus and guidance and wisdom and thoughtful perspective on everything to do with my life, Padrone. i have needed You so much that i feel sometimes as if i am the one using You! *teasing* You are so wonderful to me, and for me, and i can never tell You just how happy, how simply content, i am as Yours. i love You, my Padrone, now and forever.