Not such good luck

Well, my "long term sub" assignment was a week long, but it was a very good week. I feel quite affirmed that my goal of teaching is the right path for me, after spending time with the assumption that this was *my* classroom, and these were *my* kids. Yep, I'll be teaching again. :)

For now i'll go back to the job i had with the wonderful boss, and enjoy it until i do get a teaching job. It's not that i hate that job or anything, i quite enjoy it most of the time, actually. It's just that i honestly believe i am *meant* to be a teacher, and one day that will be the case. For now, all i can say is that they missed out on a wonderful teacher by not hiring me.

So, i'm back to having one job and taking two classes, so i'll have more time for my Master again.

No time for more, it's class time again.

Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. I am sorry, once again, for the roller-coaster week that this week has been, but i know You understand that this time there was nothing i could have done about it. Thank You for understanding and loving me through the tough times. i am Yours, so totally, and so wonderfully Yours.

Fingers crossed

I'm teaching!!! Well, as a long-term substitute for now at least. And I start tomorrow, so it is technically not true that I'm teaching now but ...

Tomorrow morning I'll be in a classroom, responsible for teaching 5th - 8th graders (10 years to 14 years old) in a small, rural school in my county. I was called on Friday afternoon and asked to sub in a long term position, starting Monday (leading me to believe that someone either quit suddenly or was fired, as there has been a teacher in this position since school started). I said "YES!!"

So it is my hope that there are lesson plans done for the next couple of weeks at least, and IEPs are up to date, and that I will only have to catch up with the lesson plans and learn the routine and the kids and implement things to make the class *mine*....before I have to make new lesson plans! But I'll do whatever I have to do, recruiting whatever help is necessary to do it and be successful at it.

I know that at least *part* of the reason I was asked to assume the position as a sub is because I am already on the sub list (thank goodness), and so there is no need to wait for the school board to approve me walking into the class. I would have to wait until the school board meets and approves my hiring as a teacher if I weren't on the sub list, and this way I can get into the classroom and have my foot in the door at least. I don't know if they'll hire me, but I got the distinct impression that they planned to, based on the discussion of standards and expectations for these students and the statement "we'll discuss that later" (talking about accomodations for the statewide tests, given in the spring of each year). So I get the idea that they plan to keep me around at least until then. :) But....i'm definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch here, and that's kind of kept me feeling a bit ambivalent for some reason. This summer, every time I have gotten excited about a job possibility, I have been disappointed. So I think I'm not getting excited now in an effort to curb any possible disappointment.

Oh yeah. Since the job I started last week had such a great and understanding employer, who literally gave me a job when I most needed one, I am going to try to work both jobs for a while, especially since the pay for a sub doesn't come CLOSE to the teacher's salary I will be getting eventually. So two jobs, and two classes, a son in college and working, a daughter in her last year of homeschooling and also working....a busy, busy schedule in my future, BUT...time for Padrone is high on my priority list, and He knows it because He placed Himself there! Well, it didn't require a lot of force to make me abide by that, believe me!

Ugh. I make my own head spin some days!

I have to go to sleep now, since I have to be at the school at 7 am. It's normally a 15 minute drive, but I'm driving my old, broken car, so I am going to drive slowly and carefully, and also give myself plenty of time in case parking is an issue.

Padrone, I hope that tomorrow I will be allowed to talk and talk and talk, because you know I'll be full of words for You. I am so happy, Padrone. Maybe, finally, it is happening. Maybe. Finally.

i adore You. i am forever Your grateful, devoted slave.

Unwritten

I've always liked this song, and today it kind of expresses what i'm feeling:








i have nothing to say, but a deep urging to express....something. i feel...unwritten.

i hate when i feel this way, sometimes, although knowing that the future is still out there, waiting to be experienced, is a comforting thought when i think of my potential.

Classes start again tomorrow night, and my new boss is absolutely wonderful, to the point of offering her home for me to be online for my classes, so i won't have to sit at McDonald's! i won't take her up on it because of how late the classes run, but it is such a drastic difference to have someone thoughtful and caring and encouraging as a boss, that the gestures mean so much. She is working around my schedule willingly, and making suggestions and offering hours with different projects so i can make as many hours as i can...what a difference!

Now if only payday will get here! ;)

She is about to begin training me on the paperwork/administrative end of the job as well, something i am excited about but which i won't tell others about just yet because i'm the new kid on the block and others have far more experience than i do - but not the education, which is the reason i'm being trained for administration. i kind of like that, you know? But there's no use rocking the boat, at least not yet anyway.

i wish i had words to say what i'm feeling right now. i wish i had some solitude and a vehicle to drive to spend time totally alone with Padrone whenever he wished it. i wish i was on high speed internet so i could turn skype on from home because i am alone for a little while now. i wish...i wish...

i'm not usually one, lately, to long for things i don't have. But maybe the fact that i have been working towards a goal with such intensity, and then the shifting gears of that work, has had an effect....or more of an effect than i expected. i wish i was teaching, plain and simple. i know i will enjoy the job i have now, for the most part. i know i will learn and grow and expand my abilities and knowledge and patience....and i am quite sure it will help me when i am in the classroom, dealing with diverse students who need different kinds of help. So i'm not begrudging the time i am spending where i am, and eventually who knows? My boss smiled when i told her of my ambitions and said "You would make a fine teacher, but you may never want to leave this type of work once you get into it." She may be right, but for now....i just want to be in the classroom, teaching.

So there is a yearning to do what i dream of doing. It had been so far stifled for such a long time that i didn't remember how strong it was. i am grateful for the return of the dream.

i'm not unhappy, not by any means! This is just a mood, a temporary down time where expectations have ebbed to a low point, and they will naturally rise again soon. i feel better simply typing my thoughts out, showing me where they actually are, to help me deal with them more easily.

Padrone, i also yearn to give more lately. i don't know what or how or when, but the yearning to...express the total surrender, again, has been rising within me in the past little while. i long for the intimacy that comes with being so opened, so vulnerable, so safely under Your control. i adore You, my Master. i am Yours.

Good feelings

I'm still floating.

Padrone used me today, pain, need, suffering...and i felt so amazingly LOVED through it all. Not what i was expecting, of course, but totally and absolutely wonderful.

Then we talked. The intimacy deepened.

I made some discoveries, i tried to express new things.

i felt some previously elusive thoughts come together and i smiled.

i can walk into any professional job and not only hold my head up because of any accomplishments i may have made, but also because of who i am. i can compete and succeed in a professional job.

Not such a big deal for some folks, and i'm sure some of you may be scratching your head wondering where this came from.

You know, it's just one of those things, i guess. But the reality is that i know i am ... well, still not good at talking about positives about myself, because it always sounds arrogant to my own ears. But i think that my next job interview will be a lot different than any i have ever had before, because i have a different attitude about myself and my abilities than i have ever had before.

It will make a ton of difference.

Padrone, as we talked about on the phone earlier...and one day i will try to blog about it...You have made a world of difference in my life. You haven't forced me to change my way of thinking, rather You have shown me the truth as You see it, in ways that made it unavoidable for me to admit, to accept, and finally to fully believe.

i love You more daily, even though it never seems possible. Mio Padrone.

An update, and a few thoughts as a bonus

I have a new job. It isn't teaching, although I am still looking for a teaching job. My new employer knows of my ambitions, and approves (she has her own disabled sons, and husband, as well as having a Masters in Special Education as well - she definitely understands my drive). What she has offered me is not what I hoped for, but there is room for advancement in her home-grown yet professional business. She said she has been looking for "someone like me" and I can't get into any more detail than that here. Needless to say I am ready to start on Tuesday.

This job will be far less stressful, far more relaxing, and FAR more rewarding, both personally and professionally, than where I was. That's no slap to my old job - someone HAS to do it and the type of person they usually hire are uneducated, sometimes ignorant and proud of it, types of folks. It was a truly dead end job, and while my new one is not what I hope to do forever, at least I feel as if I *could* do it for a long time, because of the advancement that is not just a possibility, but what *will* happen.

Padrone, i haven't even told *You* this yet, but my new employer is going to let me work with her two disabled sons at her home, where the office is, and where the things she will be training me in also are. Yay!

This is not one of those pie in the sky promises, although of course we haven't discussed any kind of pay rate change as I advance - it will happen. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I am still planning on taking a couple of classes as well, but with the reduced stress of the job I am working, as well as the longer semester in which to learn the same amounts of material, the pressure will be far less than it was over the summer.

So the next few weeks will bring about more changes, but I no longer feel as if I am spinning my wheels. I am grateful for that, believe me!

And I've kind of revisited the reason for my blog. I've been neglecting to write here much, mainly because of time. But I also kind of wanted to make sure of my own motives in writing here.

I don't play the numbers game. I look at them now and then - number of followers, number of page visits, etc. And now and then I look to see where folks live that are visiting my blog. I find that interesting, actually...and how they found me. Usually it's through a link on another blog, or maybe from my profile when I've commented on someone's blog, and now and then via a google search. (Usually I'm found with keywords regarding humiliation of some sort...I guess I've typed that a lot or something - lol)

But numbers mean nothing to me. I mean, they don't even mean "little", they mean nothing. I love getting comments, and I love hearing from folks who read my blog and maybe understand me a little, since I have nobody in my "real life" that I could ever talk with about any of this. I would love to develop deeper friendships with some of the folks I've gotten to know through blogging.

But the harsh reality is that I write here for me, and for Padrone. It is a public blog, yes. I am more careful how I word things or how I present my ideas and thoughts, and I also spend more time explaining things happening in my life that Padrone already knows than I would if others didn't read it, but maybe not...I've kind of always done that, because this is a place for me to put things into perspective and try to express fleeting things in concrete terms.

I read others' blogs. I am interested in how others live their lives as submissives and slaves. I smile with the recognition of myself in some of you, and I am amazed at what are stumbling blocks for others. We are all unique, and what is easy for some of you may bring me to my knees (figuratively, get your mind out of the gutter!). What you struggle with may come more easily to me. But I don't judge, and I don't compare, and I don't type things here with any thoughts of anyone else in my mind, typically.

I type here what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing. This place is all about me, my relationship with my Master, my thoughts, my emotions, my history, my life. I know it's boring at times (no comment, Padrone - lol). I know it is self centered. But it is real, it is honest...it is me.

And, again, as harsh as it may sound...I don't type here to please anyone but myself. Even Padrone says "it's your blog, type what you please".

So, please understand, what I type here may sound simple to you, it may sound backwards or even not submissive. And my personality is quite complicated, and a bit needy. I'm not like others, our relationship is not like others, and my blog...well, it just won't be like others either.

And I kind of like it that way.

Padrone, thank you for helping me gain the confidence to understand all of what I just typed. I'm quite lucky, and very, VERY blessed, to be yours. The feeling seems to be renewed every day, and I am filled with joy, pure and simple, because of you. I do adore you, my Love. Grazie.

Happy Birthday Padrone!!!

No insightful or thoughtful message from me today. No gifts to give. No exciting or well thought-out words.

Only your slave, offering all you already own.

Padrone, what can i give that you don't already have? (even a helicopter, sheesh!)

What can i offer that you don't already own?

What can i express that you don't already feel?

All i can do is to open my heart, my very soul, to you...again...

Io sono il Suo fiore del sud.

A Bit of Bittersweet

So i've been thinking lately, something that should scare anyone but you can't say i didn't warn you!

The week after i finished my schoolwork, i experienced so many dramatic and totally unexpected emotions that i was quite .... wasn't at all prepared to deal with.

For instance, the most shocking to me (which shouldn't have been, knowing my personality and my needs) was that i couldn't take as much pleasure or feel as proud of myself over my accomplishments as i might have expected to do. Why, you ask? Well, see...i was EXTREMELY busy with those classes and of course my boss, who didn't want me to inconvenience her scheduling by going back to school anyway, piled the hours on me, only to reduce them again once i finished my school.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i am very glad i accomplished something i have longed dreamed of doing, and in such a positive manner as well. i am truly gratified that my professors seemed to like and respect me, and think i will make a good teacher. i very much enjoyed getting to know new folks, and to feel as if i belong in the group of new teachers as well as those who were going for their Masters and even EdD. It felt so good to learn and to explore and to see my own thoughts and philosophies regarding education gel into a more concrete thing, and to be validated by a successful teacher as well. I enjoyed school, i enjoyed the challenge, the gratification, the validation of my intelligence and work ethic. And when i saw 3 As as my grades, it made me glow, don't get me wrong!

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i worked hard when i worked. i am one of the more dependable employees, and one of the hardest working ones, and i didn't slack no matter how busy i was. i even went in on days when i had class to help when i was needed. i worked when others quit, longer hours than i was scheduled to work, and i worked when i was sick or exhausted or had my mind on school. And i did it, and even though the manager isn't one to praise anyone, *i* know i did a good job and *i* know that i would do it again if i had to.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i don't feel like a failure as a slave or as a woman, please don't get me wrong. i knew going into this that i would not be as available as i had been before, and while i hoped to be working at a school now and have a different set of circumstances, it hasn't worked out that way quite yet and all the emotions are a major roller coaster sometimes. i thought that we would have to continue to adjust immediately after i finished school, to a new routine, possibly including a long car drive, which would mean long hours of unavailability during the times he is awake. Maybe part of what i am feeling is due to the hope, the knowledge, that the adjustment will happen eventually, whether sooner or later i don't know but it *will* happen.

i'm marking time right now. i feel as if i am spinning my wheels, as if i have accomplished nothing. And when one looks at the job i had then and that i have it still, one might make that kind of statement in truth. Sometimes i can't help but to focus on that, since i am not fond of my job and i'm very tired of being totally bored at work. So it is easy to think about the fact that i spent a lot of time and energy on school and i'm still working at the same place i was. So in one way it is easy to focus on the wheel-spinning aspect. And yet i know that i have accomplished a lot personally and some professionally and that a door will open for me to move into the career i long for, and that it is just a matter of time before that happens. At least i am getting to practice my patience. :)

But....i'm not meeting Padrone's needs as fully as i believe he would like. This is my perception, nothing that he has said or done to make me feel that way, but i still believe it is a true statement.

So i feel as if i wasn't as successful as i hoped to be this summer. i KNOW Padrone is so very proud of me, that is not even a shadow of a doubt in my mind. i KNOW he is happy for the newfound confidence in my intelligence and ability to make good grades, and my realization of it. i KNOW he is glad i did it, not just giving permission for it but truly happy that i did this thing this summer.

But i know that he had needs that went unmet. i am deeply grateful and very gratified that he didn't feel the desire to seek out someone else to meet them. That is how we met, but i will say that his then-slave was offline totally for over a month, and with no contact whatsoever it would be very difficult NOT to have your needs met by someone else. Their relationship was nowhere near as stable, as firm, as committed, or as happy as ours is either. But that was then, and this is now, and no...Padrone didn't look elsewhere for someone to meet his needs.

But that meant that he had deep, strong needs. And i didn't meet them.

So what i feel now is a sense of pride, of happiness, but also a very real sense of bittersweet. The night before i finished all of my assignments, the night when i thought i would have been done based on the schedule, he gave me a peek into the need he had been carrying around for weeks. It didn't scare me as much as it worried me whether or not i would be able to handle all he needed to give, or to give all he needed to take. i began to worry about that, a lot, after seeing that peek into his extremely harsh side. And yes, i began to dread the time when that first use would happen.

We talked about it, eventually, and it was a difficult conversation (me crying, overemotional, not really sure what was wrong, but knowing i had a problem, him having no clue what was going on and not understanding my words through my tears). i am glad we did, and yes he has since used me although not in the harsh way i expected, and which i still expect and think it might be quite difficult for me. i'm not complaining, but i will say as i have said to Padrone - i will be glad when the first harsh use after his need was so strong for it, has happened already.

i don't know if any of this made any sense or not, but it's the best i can do to try to explain the unexpected, yet understandable, bittersweet emotions that i feel regarding what i did this summer.

Padrone, please don't misunderstand. i no longer dread the use, but i expect it to be deep, painful, harsh, and what i dread most is that i honestly believe you need the disconnection that happens sometimes when you express your dominance so powerfully. You have given and given and given to me this summer, and it is time for me to give back to you all you need. It NEEDS to be all about you, and i hope i can give enough, can take enough, to meet the very deepest need you have.

i am one very, very blessed woman, to be able to call myself Yours. Ti adoro, mio Padrone.

Whew

Well, i'm finished with those classes, and i passed them with straight As. :) i'm proud of that particular accomplishment, and i freely admit that without Padrone's help it would not have been possible. i mean real, tangible, point-me-in-the-right-direction-cos-i'm-about-to-give-up kind of help. He didn't know specifics about my studies, but he did know how to show me the trees instead of the forest, so that i could move beyond being totally overwhelmed and begin to work on the major projects that were freaking me out, step by step and bit by bit. He calmed me down when i called him in tears, more than once.

i am blessed to have a Master who is highly intelligent, intuitive, logical, and can help show me things in an objective way that helps me to see the trees instead of the forest.

i still haven't found a teaching job yet, and since i haven't taken the GRE either, then i can't get into graduate school, so i am thinking seriously of taking some courses on the undergraduate level this semester for a couple of reasons. One, i could learn more about what i plan to teach, and two, i can keep my brain fresh, and practice the technology that is so important in schools today.

Padrone and i will talk more about that when i have better information. :)

Anyway, there is so much more i want to say, but alas, work is bellowing (again). i am so relieved to have these classes finished. They were FAR more intense and stressful than even *i* imagined, and the relief is HUGE to know that i did so well in them!

Padrone, thank You for the immense patience You showed me, both while i was in school and since then. Thank You for allowing me time to recover mentally and emotionally. Thank You for the strong, loving way You reestablished the dynamic, as we talked about before. i am so incredibly blessed to be Yours, my Padrone, and i strive to give You all i can to show my gratitude to the most wonderful Master for me that could ever be found.

i love You.