Unwritten

I've always liked this song, and today it kind of expresses what i'm feeling:








i have nothing to say, but a deep urging to express....something. i feel...unwritten.

i hate when i feel this way, sometimes, although knowing that the future is still out there, waiting to be experienced, is a comforting thought when i think of my potential.

Classes start again tomorrow night, and my new boss is absolutely wonderful, to the point of offering her home for me to be online for my classes, so i won't have to sit at McDonald's! i won't take her up on it because of how late the classes run, but it is such a drastic difference to have someone thoughtful and caring and encouraging as a boss, that the gestures mean so much. She is working around my schedule willingly, and making suggestions and offering hours with different projects so i can make as many hours as i can...what a difference!

Now if only payday will get here! ;)

She is about to begin training me on the paperwork/administrative end of the job as well, something i am excited about but which i won't tell others about just yet because i'm the new kid on the block and others have far more experience than i do - but not the education, which is the reason i'm being trained for administration. i kind of like that, you know? But there's no use rocking the boat, at least not yet anyway.

i wish i had words to say what i'm feeling right now. i wish i had some solitude and a vehicle to drive to spend time totally alone with Padrone whenever he wished it. i wish i was on high speed internet so i could turn skype on from home because i am alone for a little while now. i wish...i wish...

i'm not usually one, lately, to long for things i don't have. But maybe the fact that i have been working towards a goal with such intensity, and then the shifting gears of that work, has had an effect....or more of an effect than i expected. i wish i was teaching, plain and simple. i know i will enjoy the job i have now, for the most part. i know i will learn and grow and expand my abilities and knowledge and patience....and i am quite sure it will help me when i am in the classroom, dealing with diverse students who need different kinds of help. So i'm not begrudging the time i am spending where i am, and eventually who knows? My boss smiled when i told her of my ambitions and said "You would make a fine teacher, but you may never want to leave this type of work once you get into it." She may be right, but for now....i just want to be in the classroom, teaching.

So there is a yearning to do what i dream of doing. It had been so far stifled for such a long time that i didn't remember how strong it was. i am grateful for the return of the dream.

i'm not unhappy, not by any means! This is just a mood, a temporary down time where expectations have ebbed to a low point, and they will naturally rise again soon. i feel better simply typing my thoughts out, showing me where they actually are, to help me deal with them more easily.

Padrone, i also yearn to give more lately. i don't know what or how or when, but the yearning to...express the total surrender, again, has been rising within me in the past little while. i long for the intimacy that comes with being so opened, so vulnerable, so safely under Your control. i adore You, my Master. i am Yours.