Who are we, really?

And I made a couple more A's in my two classes this semester! Not bad for an old lady, huh? I'm really enjoying taking these classes, which kind of surprised me. But i think i am now old enough that a lot of the things i am supposed to be learning are things i have already learned and am now simply fitting them into an academic setting. There is a lot to be said for life experiences, that's for sure.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post here, and Padrone and i have talked a lot about philosophical issues. Greengirl has made me think about roles and definitions thereof, and a discussion in the chat room we frequent got me thinking about limits, pushing them, and emotional security. i've really been trying to decide what to type here, and i think i'll just start typing and let it flow naturally. Follow along, if you can - lol.

First, about roles. i am an extremely submissive woman. That is my personality, it is how i behave much of the time, and it is definitely a highly regarded trait by Padrone. But that does not define who i am or what i do or how i live in its entirety. It does not tell the entire story of *me*.

I tend to have a problem with people who portray D/s as the only dynamic in their lives. Some people present every aspect of their lives as revolving around "Master" and "slave". Control and obedience. Dominance and subservience. I mean, some take this to the extreme that if the "Master" is in any way unhappy, the "slave" is punished even if she has no clue why she is being held responsible!

i make Padrone happy, not out of fear of punishment if he isn't, but rather because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, y'all, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy, because...a happy Master owns better! (sorry, i had to go there, Padrone!)

But it is true. The happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him (hehehe). No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, we would act in this manner anyway.

Why is that? Well, it is simply because that is who we are. It doesn't matter if Padrone has the label of "Dominant" or not, frankly, because he is going to control and take responsibility and make decisions anyway. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

And it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, our relationship, or each other. We are who we are, and we act freely based on the emotional security we have found in our relationship that allows us to become vulnerable to each other.

Which is a topic for another day. Maybe i am naive or just too...i don't know, irreverent of all things D/s or something, but i don't believe all i read online, not even in many of the blogs i read. i don't believe that every waking moment of every day can be devoted to a D/s type of mindset, although i do believe that someone can live a life with strong characteristics found in a role in D/s. i don't believe that what one calls onesself is important, nor is a contract or any of the "trappings" that others deem "necessary" in D/s. We have rules in our relationship, yes, but it is because of a wish of how Padrone wants to feel, or wants me to feel, far more than because we're "supposed" to have rules in a D/s relationship.

It is as Padrone says...throw "the book" out. Nobody can do D/s according to the expectations of others, or by using their guidelines or their relationship as an example. "The book" is filled with those sorts of expectations, and that is a very destructive mindset to have. i am grateful that he and i found each other after he had thrown the book out the window, that's for sure!

Padrone, i love You, and i am Yours, no matter what You are called or what You call me. You are more than Master to me, Padrone. You are my friend, my lover, my love, my man. You are the perfect fit for this woman, and i am deeply grateful that You value me equally as much. i am truly blessed.