Pondering relationship and reality

i've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks, the past few days especially. My thoughts have been dwelling on where we are now, where we've come from, and how we got here. It's such a wonderful thing to think about.

But of course, those kinds of thoughts take on a life of their own when allowed to, and mine have grown to immense proportions, especially after some wonderful discussions with Padrone about some of the same things, which was really cool that they were on his mind as well, even if in a different way.

Basically, we've come to the conclusion that, while our relationship is still very much a M/s relationship, the overt expression of M/s is not as necessary as it was in the very beginning.

Shocking, i know.

But what has happened is that we have settled into our personalities within the relationship. Yep, not into "roles" or "responsibilities" or "labels", but into our personalities. We talked about this last night, and as i said for the past few days, and kind of wondered about a few things.

Like....the fact that we don't need to overtly express what we are expressing simply because we do so by living within the parameters set into place within the relationship. The control/submission is expressed daily, habitually, via the framework of rules that Padrone built and set into place. Few people would ever know they were there unless they looked very hard to find them.

So where we are right now is in a relationship, period. Probably 90% of our relationship will look "vanilla" because it IS "vanilla" in that there are no overt expressions of M/s visible. We can relate as equals and you know what? It doesn't destroy what we have.

The only way we have been able to get to this point is because we liked each other as PEOPLE from the very beginning. It isn't that we share a ton of interests, it is more that we appeal to each other intellectually, emotionally, and in general. Yes, we do relate to each other in ways that aren't strictly D/s, or not even REMOTELY D/s.

i AM his slave and i always will be. The dynamic is there, it is strong and pure and very real. He controls what he wishes to control in my life, and i know that when we are together those areas may very well change. They may not, it is up to him.

That, to me, is what being slave is all about.

i live my life, period. He can't live it for me, nor would he want to. He has his own life to live, and guess what? It would be this way even if we lived in the same house. Respecting each other as people, as a man and as a woman, as a friend, as a lover, as a mature adult....that is the first cornerstone of any successful relationship, whether D/s or not.

Just because i am slave does not mean that i become useless as a human being for anything other than my Master's whim of the moment. Just because Padrone is a Master does not mean that he becomes useless as a human being for anything other than exerting control over his slave.

As Padrone said recently, the D/s is so deeply and firmly embedded in our relationship, in how we live and who we are, that we just don't even really think about it anymore. We make no effort to .... i don't know, to specifically express D/s simply because we are a D/s couple, if that makes sense. It is there, believe me, and expressed in some very wonderful, special, meaningful ways...but never expressed to...prove something, i think is how i need to word it. We have nothing to prove to anyone about anything. We have already proven ourselves to each other, in the ways that count, and there is no need for it anymore.

It's just who we are.

When we began, of course the D/s played a major part in our relationship - it WAS our relationship for a long time, no matter how drawn we were to each other as people outside the roles we lived, it was relating to each other within those roles that was necessary in the beginning. But the most wonderful thing about successful relationships is that they grow and change and evolve as the people in them grow and change and learn to trust and....settle into who they are to each other.

And the roles are still well defined, and well portrayed in general. i am very respectful, and obedient when given an order, a demand, or a request when possible. If he says he would like to see me do something, like type more often in my blog, then i try to make that happen. But if he were to tell me "i want you to type at least 5 times per week in your blog", i would at first panic and wonder what changed!, then i would make it happen somehow. That is what i mean about being obedient to a request when possible. The point is that i am still his slave, very much so. It is simply that, as time has passed and we have grown, we have settled into a very happy, very fulfilling relationship that includes so many things that have nothing to do with D/s at all, and yet the D/s is one of the foundations for our successful and fulfilling relationship.

Maybe i should explain it another way.....

Even in the beginning, when our interaction was almost all D/s because that foundation could not be built without being tested and tried and formed into what works for us....we still had times when we simply talked about our lives, communicated about things that didn't have to do with me being ordered about, and him ordering me about. There has always been more to our relationship than D/s, although as i have said, that was the strongest aspect of it in the beginning.

As time has gone on, however, the D/s has become so ingrained in our relationship that we have really stopped thinking about it specifically. It is there, of course, and always will be. But it is the very fact that it IS there so strongly that means that we can take it for granted.

Yes, it is good, VERY good, to reach a point in a relationship where it is safe and healthy to take things for granted. That means that we not only respect each other, but we trust each other at a very deep level about things that are highly important to us.

i know Padrone is there for me when i need him, even if i can't physically touch him. i know that he is Master, he is in control of the relationship and of me - the parts of me he wishes to control. And i know that even those parts of me that he doesn't choose to control all the time, he can and will step in when i need him to, and exert even more control than usual. He has in the past, and i have no doubts that he would in the future if the need ever arises again.

Conversely, he knows that i will serve him as needed, when needed, if at all possible. He knows that pleasing him is very deeply important to me and i strive to do so always. He also knows that i am surrendered to his will - not because of any dramatic gesture or extreme show of surrender, but rather because of the small things that he controls, the large things that he takes control of when he wishes to, and my entire attitude of submission that is so prevalent.

So respect, and trust, are two pillars of our relationship. Neither happened overnight. Neither happened strictly through expressing D/s. Neither will ever stop growing.

But that isn't all. Communication, not simply talking but listening, understanding, enjoying, learning from each other....all of those things are vital to our relationship's growth and stability. He and i have said it repeatedly - we know each other very, very well. It didn't happen through talking about our lives, although that was part of it. It happened through learning about reactions, philosophies, beliefs, pet peeves, likes, dislikes, senses of humor, priorities etc, just the way one would get to know a vanilla partner.

Love is also a major part of how we feel about each other, but i would venture to say that "like" is probably equally important, if not more so, than love. i truly like Padrone. He is a wonderful man, and i absolutely enjoy spending time with him, even if all we're discussing is what is going on in our lives that day. And you know, he feels the same way about me. He said recently that one thing he loves about owning me as his slave is that he has a built-in friend too! So sweet!

But i think that, probably, the most important pillar upon which our relationship is built, is that we have given each other space to be ourselves as individuals. i am, as Padrone's slave, a reflection of his ownership and that's cool. But i am me, and being his slave is only part of who i am. He loves that about me, the multi-faceted aspect of my personality and my life as a whole. But i have had to grow up quite a bit as life has hit hard the past few years, and as i have chosen to fight demons within my own mind and emotions....to become mentally and emotionally healthy and become the best woman i can be. He has given me the freedom to do this, watching the entire time, supporting as best he could (sometimes there is nothing anyone can *do* except listen and believe that it really is worth the hell it takes to move beyond). He has also encouraged me to work on my certification and change careers. He wants me to grow and expand myself in all areas of my life, not simply deepen my submission to him.

And it is the other way as well. i love that Padrone has a life outside of me. i love hearing about his website, his reading and editing, his family, his risotto, his life. i have loved watching HIM grow as a man and as a Master throughout our relationship as well. And i give him the adoration he deserves, and that he loves and needs, the security that i admire him and respect him deeply. That has given him the ability to reveal more of himself to me than he ever has to anyone, to grow by becoming a bit more vulnerable, which has led him to think about things he never has before. All a good thing, as it is growth.

We began this relationship with certain expectations regarding what we wanted and needed in a partner. Those have grown, expanded, and even changed to a degree as we have learned more about life with each other. Knowing ones self is always a good thing, but thinking that what we believe about ourselves and our needs will never change in any way, is not!

All in all, the recipe for success for US and our relationship, and i would venture to say all successful D/s relationships i have ever known, is flexibility.

Change happens. M/s becomes habitual, automatic, not something to be thought of or dwelt upon constantly. It becomes something to be taken for granted, it diminishes in a way, reverts to the background much like the foundation of a building does. You know the building is built upon a foundation, but you don't think about it every time you walk across a floor. It does the job it was put into place to do and allows the building to be used for practical and/or decorative purposes. That is very much what happens with the successful, long term, M/s relationships i have ever known.

It really does have to move beyond simply being a D/s thing, to become a successful, long term relationship. i don't care if you live with your Master or if, like us, you've never met. There has to be more, or the thing is doomed to fail.

Padrone, thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for staying committed to us through all we have been through the past years. Thank you for being able to settle into the relationship enough to....simply be who you are, no matter what that is, or what label you carry within our relationship. You will always be Padrone to me, but you are so much beyond that simple word. You are my love, and i am yours. Thank you for wanting, longing for, waiting for, what we have.