A Slave's Value

Well, i didn't type a post last week, so i am typing two this week. This one may not be very deep or philosophical, though.

i've got a lot of thoughts running through my mind today but i know that i don't have the right mindset to type things here with any tact at all, so it's best that i don't type those things.

i will pose a question, though, and then state my own thoughts regarding it. If anyone else would like to chime in, great. If not, that's cool too.

Where does a slave's value come from? For instance, are we, as slaves, only of value if our Masters think we are? Do we only have the level of value that He places on us? Are we valuable in and of ourselves, or is that an assumptive kind of attitude for a slave to have?

In other words, are slaves supposed to feel valuable because of who they are, or because of what their Master says? And that would beg the question regarding unowned slaves then. Do they have no value of themselves?

Well, i think most everyone who has read this blog for very long understands that i appreciate the value Padrone places on me as a woman, and as a slave. i am His property, yes, but i am the Ferrari that is kept in stellar condition. i am human, and treated as "property" only at certain times, when the need is present, and valued as an owned woman. And i, like the Ferrari, have problems performing to expectations at times, but that in no way diminishes my value as a person. It merely means i need work.

Notice what i said.

Value as a PERSON.

The reality is that if i choose to give everything i am to Padrone, and yet i have no concept of myself as a valuable gift....then two questions come to mind. First, what sort of gift am i actually giving, if it's not a valuable one...if i don't consider it valuable? And secondly, how can i expect Padrone to value me, if i don't? i've given him a second-hand, beat up, irreparable bicycle and expect to be treasured as if i had given him a brand new Ferrari.

That's what i did when we first began our relationship. i gave what i could, at the time would have sworn it was "all i am". i didn't think it was a very worthwhile thing to give, of course, and it showed. But as i learned to trust that He did value me as a person, that He respected my thoughts, my opinions, my needs, my life's circumstances, my family, my work obligations, my financial situation, my dreams and desires and personality....then i slowly began to see that...heck, i'm not so bad after all.

i value myself, because of who i am. i need Padrone in so many ways, and honestly can't even imagine life without Him, but one thing i don't NEED from him in order to feel good about myself, is validation of my worth as a woman.

i need it, yes. i need to know that he values me, treasures me, holds me in high esteem and that i have a place in his heart and life that nobody else has ever had. i need to understand that he sees good in me, that he sees me in the way he does. Many times it is HIS view of myself that keeps me from sinking into the mire of mental self-abuse that i have struggled with all my life.

But i understand that, if i depended solely on HIS view for my feelings of worth, then i would be setting myself up for a huge fall.

See, he isn't perfect. He won't always be willing or even able to reassure me about things i may need reassurance about. He won't always be willing or able to be my "self-worth ATM" that i can go to, express a need for so much amount of self-worth, and out pops instant feelings of value! It just doesn't happen that way.

And one of the most important lessons i learned years ago is that, as a woman who is a slave, i am ultimately responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. i am responsible for who i am, what i say, how i act. Even if Padrone wants me to do things, if i see that they are potentially dangerous or harmful, and i don't let him know but do them anyway, then the responsibility for consequences is mine alone.

If we make good choices, we receive good consequences. Bad choices reap bad consequences. That's life. If we value ourselves for who we are, then we reap the consequences of improved confidence, self image, lowered stress levels, and clearer thinking - less doubting of ourselves. If we insist that our value comes solely from our Masters, then the consequences are potentially harmful emotionaly - emotional roller coaster...needs potentially not met....self esteem damaged even more...increased stress....and increased doubting of ourselves. It can't be any other way if we look for clues or statements of our very worth as people in another person's words and actions.

There is a philosophy in D/s circles that it takes a strong woman to submit to another person. But that thought is seldom expounded upon, and many Masters use it as a tool to pretend they value a slave, until they submit, upon which time they use the slave's submission against her and immediately try to change everything about her. They view confident slaves as "arrogant" or "not submissive" because they have thoughts and opinions that are valid and appropriate, and didn't come from a Master and aren't dependent upon a Master's approval to become valid. They seem to believe that a slave is not allowed to disagree with their philosophy or "training" in any way, and even go so far as to punish their slaves for "questioning them"!

But i will offer this thought - the best slaves are those who discover who they are, either while within a relationship or outside of one, but not BECAUSE of it or because of who their Master says they are......and then choose to use their strengths to strengthen their relationship....or to define the kind of relationship they seek. They see submission as a journey of self discovery as much as a journey of obedience. They see themselves as good, worthwhile individuals, and when their Master reiterates or even expounds on their worthiness, it strengthens what is already in place.

Even i had something to build upon, although i had no idea what it was at the time. i had something about which i felt confident. Padrone built upon the seeds of self worth in order to lead me into feeling them about many more areas of myself. He didn't CREATE them, or even try to make me believe he did. He simply showed me his view of me, and over the years i not only came to accept it, but understand that what he sees in me is actually there! In other words, the value was there already. It took Padrone to shine the tarnish off so that i could see it more clearly myself.

Padrone, i am grateful that You show me enough respect to allow me to find value in myself, and don't diminish me or insult my intelligence by trying to make me believe that i only have any value that You place on me. Thank You for trusting that i would learn to believe in myself more, and that i would eventually accept the worth of the gift i have given to You...NOT my submission, submission is not a gift it is an attitude....the gift is myself. And yes, it is indeed a very valuable one! Thank You for showing me, for reassuring me when i doubt, and for letting me learn to value myself.

What i will call wisdom, You will call common sense, and so i thank You for using Your common sense in such a wise way! Grazie, mio Padrone. Grazie.