Topping from the Bottom, or "who's life is it anyway?"

***two posts in one day! i hope blogger.com doesn't shut down now!!!***

i guess this is one of those "hot" topics, and one of those which can't ever be defined to everyone's satisfaction. i'm just gonna throw my two cents' worth in here now, simply because it's my blog and i can!

i used to question myself often, wondering if what i did or said could somehow be seen as "topping from the bottom". Every time i offered a thought without being asked, every time i did something even out of habit, every time i made a suggestion.... and of *course* i never EVER criticized....every time one of those kinds of thoughts or actions happened, i would wonder "is this topping from the bottom?"

Well, i was fortunate enough to be friends with many people who live this lifestyle real life, and from whom i learned tremendous amounts of valuable lessons before i ever ventured out into experiencing things myself. i learned, i talked, i asked questions....not of some web site, or of some self-proclaimed "expert" blogger... but of folks who lived in a D/s lifestyle 24/7. One of those couples lived, at the time, in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and while i didn't speak with either of them often, when i did i almost always gained insight that led me to observe and ask more and learn more until i realized just what i was intended to learn!

One thing we discussed was the practice of topping from the bottom. What i discovered is that those who would claim that a submissive/slave should have no independent thought whatsoever, and would use the dreaded "topping from the bottom" to manipulate her into silence, are those who have no clue what it is to live with a submissive in a D/s relationship.

There is a time for silence. (Padrone, You can close Your jaw now, no matter how shocked You are!) There is a time for a slave to not speak, to keep her opinions to herself, to not ask questions. But the best Dominants i have ever known, those with the longest and most stable relationships, value their slaves. They value their opinions, their thoughts, their circumstances, their difficulties, their needs, their desires, their pasts, their futures, their hopes, their dreams, their person. They want to know what their slaves think and feel, even if it disagrees with what they themselves think and feel. They accept that no woman will ever be a silent testament to a man's perfection, and they would never expect their slave to attempt to become that.

They respect that a slave has limits, whether emotional or physical, and that some things will always be "deal breakers" if they forced their slaves to do them. They recognize their slave's ability and need to convey such limits, and usually ask about them up front.

For some, a slave who even considers a limit, much less declares one, is topping from the bottom and is no slave at all.

For me, a slave who doesn't state her limits is a foolish woman who lives on the romantic notion that her Master is perfect and infallible and will never make her (insert limit here). It happens. This type of slave never believes it, but it happens.

Consider the woman i knew who, after stating her emotional limit of monogamy, was not only forced into bisexuality, but also shared with other men and even gang banged. She "had no choice" because she was "owned" and her "Master" didn't think a slave should have limits - a TRUE slave wants her Master's pleasure and nothing more, right? He thought she was topping from the bottom, and chose to punish her by "showing who the Master is around here".

Tell that to her after she spent 3 months insitutionalized and suicidal because she truly could not handle being in a non-monogamous relationship.

Another example is of another woman who was hospitalized from dehydration after being given too many enemas in too short a period of time, after NOT telling her Master that she had a limit of enemas. She didn't want to "top from the bottom" and state a limit, so she endured and allowed even what she knew would make her ill.

Are those women truly topping from the bottom? Or would it have been to prevent illness in the second example if she had told her Master of her enema limit?

Not in my book. Some call it self-preservation, and it is. Some call it simply being human, and it is that as well. But what it is NOT, is topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom involves lack of trust, as has been mentioned in another blog. If a slave wishes to take *control* of her life back from someone, then there are issues way beyond "topping from the bottom" involved. But if she does, then one of those issues is almost always a lack of trust in her Master's ability or intent to keep her from harm. Keeping her from harm includes not putting her into situations where she *may* be harmed, either emotionally or physically as happened in these two examples. And one of the best ways to prevent a slave from losing her faith in her Master is for him to show her the respect of valuing her intelligence, her creativity, her limits, her abilities, and her inabilities.

Respectfully stating an opinion is not topping from the bottom. Being sarcastic and disrespectful while stating the same opinion may be seen as topping from the bottom. It's about trust. It's about respect. It's about being respected. It's about being valued. It's not about actions as much as it is about attitudes.

That's a pretty astute statement about everything in our lifestyle, in one little nutshell, if i do say so myself.

When a slave surrenders control of her life, she is not surrendering her life itself to her Master. She's really not even surrendering control of her life, she is surrendering authority - and the Master chooses that which he wishes to control or not. The control gradually deepens, the authority extends, as the Master gets to know his slave, AND VICE VERSA. The vice versa bit is what folks in this lifestyle don't wish to acknowledge, so often.

It takes time for the power exchange to deepen. It takes time for trust to build. It takes time for a Master to understand just what makes his slave tick. It takes time to learn about trigger points and tempers and struggles and fears and all of the "mines" in a person's emotions. It takes time for the slave to understand that, even when told to do things she doesn't want to do, her Master will do only what builds her up and makes her a better person. Notice what i didn't say. i didn't say "what makes her a better slave". For the power exchange to deepen and grow, the Master first has to understand that his slave is woman first, slave second. Or even third if she has kids. (not all the time, but more often that most Masters wish - lol)

What a rambling post, and i am not sure what i really wanted to say here, except that "topping from the bottom" happens FAR less often than Masters would have slaves believe, and that most slaves are so fearful of being labeled with that terrible label, that they will go to the opposite extreme in order to avoid it.

And so, while i have my moments of ... well, not really assertiveness, although maybe even that, respectful assertiveness....that Padrone allows me to have....i don't fear being told i am "topping from the bottom" any longer. i know that my attitude is respectful even when i disagree with him, and i know that if it isn't, he will shut me down - not because i disagree, but because i am disrespectful while doing so.

Padrone, i have been thinking. No matter how we label what we have, our relationship, it is still very much a relationship between two people who have found a way to express their personalities in an open and free way. We would "be" D/s even if we didn't call our relationship D/s, and all the labels and terminology in the world won't change that. It's a wonderful thing to not get caught up in "trappings" or "expectations" or have to go by The Book on anything, to simply live as we love to live and as we were meant to live!

i am so grateful that You found something valuable enough in me to spark Your interest so long ago, and the one pinch i am grateful for in our lives is the one that drew me to You. i'm Yours. Wonderfully and irrevocably Yours.