Peeking beyond another wall

i can be so slow sometimes. i don't get things that most other folks seem to understand easily. It's a bit frustrating at times, especially when i *think* i understand, only to find out just how wrong i have been.

So last night i had one of those "AH HA" moments that quickly turned into a "DUH" moment.

Yesterday, while it was snowing, Padrone called and we talked and shared a very deeply intimate time together, quite romantic and sexual. It floored me, for some reason, stayed in my thoughts - those two words linked together i mean. For me, sex has always been physical, and romance has always been emotional. i know it stems from the crossed wires in my emotional life because of my history of being sexually abused. But that didn't help when i realized just how much i *didn't* understand about emotional intimacy and bonding that can and does happen during sex for two who love each other deeply.

Lately i've been worried about my lack of sexual interest. i figured it was my age and hormones and i really worried about it because it is a major part of a healthy relationship. i most definitely don't want to lose it! i tried to find other ways to compensate, to connect emotionally, but i have been feeling a bit "off" lately. Yes, there were other contributing factors, i understand that, but the fact that i couldn't open myself and offer one thing i know Padrone would absolutely love to have from me has weighed on my mind for months now.

He really would love for me to be more free sexually, without him having to create the interest in me all the time. i *do* feel horny at times, but not often i admit. For me, sex has always been purely physical, and while i have often felt the need for emotional things, and expressed them, i never realized that sex could be a way to meet them as well.

Ugh, i'm not explaining this very well, i know.

Bottom line is that i've got some exploring to do in the area of emotions during sex. i know it is something that so many others seem to understand naturally, and i feel quite slow in not realizing it until i'm 45 years old, but there it is. Padrone understands it, that's for sure, based on the way things were yesterday. i really had a hard time with some of it, and i never understood why until this hit me last night. And see....when he would compare my body opening to him with my heart opening to him, i just...didn't get it. It's like my mind closed off that connection, and i focused on the emotional part and let my body do what it does when stimulated sexually. There was this huge disconnect, that i never realized was there until yesterday.

Yesterday, i finally had a glimpse beyond that wall that separated the two in my mind. Yesterday, i finally saw what others talked about, and which i only thought i understood. Yesterday, i saw just how far i have to go, but i also had a peek at just how much more there is for us.

i am really stunned, once again, by the patience Padrone has for me, even though He didn't understand what he was being patient about. i couldn't show my sexuality more obviously for him, even though i knew he would like to see it. i couldn't explain why not, because i just didn't understand it myself. i still don't know what the key that will unlock that door is, but i *do* now know that it can be unlocked eventually. i already do understand that what he is looking for isn't for me to just be a slut (which is really what i thought he wanted, just express myself physically and keep the emotions checked at the door)...but i can't quite grasp just what it is that he does want. i know it's there, i know there's more now. That's the first step, i think.

The thing is, i have unconsciously let my doubts about pleasing him by acting more sexual in general, affect every aspect of the way i express my submission to him. It's like i had the thoughts of "i can't please him in this, and it's sexual in nature, so i can't please him sexually at all", and that created the need to express my submission in other ways, and that created a huge amount of stress on me overall. Hence my meltdown of a couple of weeks ago. (i know it's not that simple, but i knew there had to be more than just burnout, since i wasn't doing any more than i had been for years....the easing of the pain and discomfort of one of my rules helped me think about other things, i guess)

So, while nobody else may understand this post, it is my sincere desire that Padrone does. The bottom line is that i feel more relaxed, today and for today, about my sexuality than i ever have in my entire life. It may last only a moment, and even if i ever *do* fully accept the emotional side of sexuality and sex and physical intimacy, then i am positive i will have flashes of doubts and insecurities that will inhibit me and interfere again. We all do, i guess, in some areas of our lives.

Padrone, i hope this makes sense to You, but i have a feeling we'll need to talk it out. Let's just say that i can trace many of my problems back to my struggle last year, to try to express my sexuality more - the struggle i am positive You remember clearly! For now, it feels like a moment of realization, which, if i can just hold onto these concepts for longer than a fleeting moment, has the potential to be a true epiphany.

Please, be patient with Your slow-to-understand slave for a little while longer, Padrone. i truly think it will be well worth it in the end, for us. i love You.