A Bit of Bittersweet

So i've been thinking lately, something that should scare anyone but you can't say i didn't warn you!

The week after i finished my schoolwork, i experienced so many dramatic and totally unexpected emotions that i was quite .... wasn't at all prepared to deal with.

For instance, the most shocking to me (which shouldn't have been, knowing my personality and my needs) was that i couldn't take as much pleasure or feel as proud of myself over my accomplishments as i might have expected to do. Why, you ask? Well, see...i was EXTREMELY busy with those classes and of course my boss, who didn't want me to inconvenience her scheduling by going back to school anyway, piled the hours on me, only to reduce them again once i finished my school.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i am very glad i accomplished something i have longed dreamed of doing, and in such a positive manner as well. i am truly gratified that my professors seemed to like and respect me, and think i will make a good teacher. i very much enjoyed getting to know new folks, and to feel as if i belong in the group of new teachers as well as those who were going for their Masters and even EdD. It felt so good to learn and to explore and to see my own thoughts and philosophies regarding education gel into a more concrete thing, and to be validated by a successful teacher as well. I enjoyed school, i enjoyed the challenge, the gratification, the validation of my intelligence and work ethic. And when i saw 3 As as my grades, it made me glow, don't get me wrong!

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i worked hard when i worked. i am one of the more dependable employees, and one of the hardest working ones, and i didn't slack no matter how busy i was. i even went in on days when i had class to help when i was needed. i worked when others quit, longer hours than i was scheduled to work, and i worked when i was sick or exhausted or had my mind on school. And i did it, and even though the manager isn't one to praise anyone, *i* know i did a good job and *i* know that i would do it again if i had to.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i don't feel like a failure as a slave or as a woman, please don't get me wrong. i knew going into this that i would not be as available as i had been before, and while i hoped to be working at a school now and have a different set of circumstances, it hasn't worked out that way quite yet and all the emotions are a major roller coaster sometimes. i thought that we would have to continue to adjust immediately after i finished school, to a new routine, possibly including a long car drive, which would mean long hours of unavailability during the times he is awake. Maybe part of what i am feeling is due to the hope, the knowledge, that the adjustment will happen eventually, whether sooner or later i don't know but it *will* happen.

i'm marking time right now. i feel as if i am spinning my wheels, as if i have accomplished nothing. And when one looks at the job i had then and that i have it still, one might make that kind of statement in truth. Sometimes i can't help but to focus on that, since i am not fond of my job and i'm very tired of being totally bored at work. So it is easy to think about the fact that i spent a lot of time and energy on school and i'm still working at the same place i was. So in one way it is easy to focus on the wheel-spinning aspect. And yet i know that i have accomplished a lot personally and some professionally and that a door will open for me to move into the career i long for, and that it is just a matter of time before that happens. At least i am getting to practice my patience. :)

But....i'm not meeting Padrone's needs as fully as i believe he would like. This is my perception, nothing that he has said or done to make me feel that way, but i still believe it is a true statement.

So i feel as if i wasn't as successful as i hoped to be this summer. i KNOW Padrone is so very proud of me, that is not even a shadow of a doubt in my mind. i KNOW he is happy for the newfound confidence in my intelligence and ability to make good grades, and my realization of it. i KNOW he is glad i did it, not just giving permission for it but truly happy that i did this thing this summer.

But i know that he had needs that went unmet. i am deeply grateful and very gratified that he didn't feel the desire to seek out someone else to meet them. That is how we met, but i will say that his then-slave was offline totally for over a month, and with no contact whatsoever it would be very difficult NOT to have your needs met by someone else. Their relationship was nowhere near as stable, as firm, as committed, or as happy as ours is either. But that was then, and this is now, and no...Padrone didn't look elsewhere for someone to meet his needs.

But that meant that he had deep, strong needs. And i didn't meet them.

So what i feel now is a sense of pride, of happiness, but also a very real sense of bittersweet. The night before i finished all of my assignments, the night when i thought i would have been done based on the schedule, he gave me a peek into the need he had been carrying around for weeks. It didn't scare me as much as it worried me whether or not i would be able to handle all he needed to give, or to give all he needed to take. i began to worry about that, a lot, after seeing that peek into his extremely harsh side. And yes, i began to dread the time when that first use would happen.

We talked about it, eventually, and it was a difficult conversation (me crying, overemotional, not really sure what was wrong, but knowing i had a problem, him having no clue what was going on and not understanding my words through my tears). i am glad we did, and yes he has since used me although not in the harsh way i expected, and which i still expect and think it might be quite difficult for me. i'm not complaining, but i will say as i have said to Padrone - i will be glad when the first harsh use after his need was so strong for it, has happened already.

i don't know if any of this made any sense or not, but it's the best i can do to try to explain the unexpected, yet understandable, bittersweet emotions that i feel regarding what i did this summer.

Padrone, please don't misunderstand. i no longer dread the use, but i expect it to be deep, painful, harsh, and what i dread most is that i honestly believe you need the disconnection that happens sometimes when you express your dominance so powerfully. You have given and given and given to me this summer, and it is time for me to give back to you all you need. It NEEDS to be all about you, and i hope i can give enough, can take enough, to meet the very deepest need you have.

i am one very, very blessed woman, to be able to call myself Yours. Ti adoro, mio Padrone.