Happy 8 Years, Padrone

I cannot type much tonight because I am without Internet for a while and typing on my phone. I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to my Padrone, who allowed me to beg for his control 8 years ago today.

eight years of joy, trials, love, heartache, laughter and fulfillment. We are two incredibly blessed people.

We're Baaack!

Well, the dreaded vacations are over (for now a least)! We both survived, and enjoyed for the most part. I worked, doing things for my parents that they cannot do themselves and my brother and sister in law who live nearby don't do for them. I also relaxed and enjoyed myself, overall. I felt a tiny bit smothered but nothing like it usually is when I'm there.

Padrone felt the lack of control over his own choices that often comes with vacationing with others, no matter how easygoing everyone is. He was in a beautiful spot in northern Italy, and walked enough for a year (his words, not mine!), but otherwise enjoyed his stay.

We're both glad to be home though!

While I was gone I had two interviews for three positions since one school had two positions open that I am qualified for. I felt good about the interviews, better about one than the other, and I hope to hear something about them soon. I also found out that there are two Sped positions available in the neighboring state. The salary range for that state would mean that I would make $10,000 more per year than I do now (including the addition of Masters degree). I'll pay the $30 application fee for that for sure!

That's it for now. I'm without internet at home, sitting in McDonald's at the moment, and a very good friend who doesn't know about this part of my life just came in.

Padrone, I adore you!

Long Distance Humiliation - Proceed with Caution!

I've been thinking a bit more lately. I guess when I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I can think a bit more clearly, go figure.

Someone may wonder what types of things can be done to humiliate long distance. And first, I MUST say two things: 1) humiliation in general should never be attempted unless/until a deep level of trust in each other has been attained, and 2) long distance humiliation requires even MORE trust, because the Dom must trust that the submissive is actually doing what she is told to do, and also the submissive must trust that the Dom will not try too much, too soon and cause her to freak out or something.

So, the first step is to get to know each other very well first. Understand that, while calling a girl a bitch or a slut or a cunt is quite mild in the realm of D/s (overall), those are really not very nice words to call a girl in general. I still despise being called cunt - it has some negative emotions attached to it for me. And honestly, the word bitch has never been sexual at all for me, it's been just an ugly name that's thrown around in arguments, until Padrone. So be careful. You never know what will trigger a negative response, and when you are long distance, the negative response could have some serious and far-reaching consequences.

Start on the phone or in email rather than with independent types of humiliation. By that I mean, even if you want her to do something physical, have her do it while you are on the phone so you can judge her response, her reaction, and the after effects of it. But be careful - it can be quite tempting to go too far if you can perceive no negative aspects of what you have done. Give it time. Women, especially submissive women, can get so caught up in pleasing you that they either ignore or don't communicate anything that may stop you from getting the pleasure you get from humiliation play. And we also need time to recover, to process, to ask for reassurance 1000 times, and to move to a deeper level of trust that you still want her even if you call her "ugly" names or have her do things that are embarrassing or humiliating.

When (IF) you move into more independent types of humiliation, do so again with tremendous caution. Padrone has me do things that I absolutely HATE, but he gradually worked up to them, and had to trust that I was doing them so it took a lot of time to build to that level of trust. I don't have to prove anything to him, but I felt the need to at one point simply to prove myself trustworthy. But he knows human nature quite well, and he could often tell by my responses to the things he was asking me to do that I was actually doing them. No, I never did things on cam for him. No, I never took pics of myself doing them. (or maybe I did, but it wasn't a requirement by any means) And if you can't trust that your submissive does what you ask her to do, then maybe you don't trust her as deeply as you should for long distance humiliation.

Maybe what Padrone and I have together is more mental than most people can accept. Many people give lip service to how important the mental aspects of D/s are, but few truly understand or practice the mentality of it. So many feel that a physical relationship is more important, and I feel that the physical simply expresses the mental that is there. So for me to do the things Padrone requires of me in terms of humiliating tasks, it is simply an expression of the intimacy and the control and the surrender that is *already* present in our relationship. It is NOT a means of obtaining that control and surrender!

So what are these things that are done to humiliate me long distance? I guess pretty much the same things that are done in person, in a lot of ways. I have had a brush up my ass, wagging my "tail". I have barked like a dog, yapped like a little puppy (I still remember VIVIDLY the first time I did that - it took forever for me to get the little yapping out, and lots of tears and encouraging from Padrone). I have squealed like a pig. I have worn lipstick on my cunt lips. I have written words on my body. I daily wear my slave number on my body somewhere. I have worn the "brush tail" and lapped water from a bowl. I have crawled to fetch toys. I have been called names that, while are EXTREMELY nasty in italian, have become almost terms of endearment because of how pretty they sound phonetically. I have been called names in english that have felt like a kick in the tummy at times - even if Padrone doesn't think they are as expressive as the italian terms. There is one word in italian that I think sounds very pretty, but Padrone has said that if an italian heard him calling me that, they would wonder why because it is SUCH a truly BAD word to call anyone. But it's an endearment to me, most of the time, even though I know what it means. He can call me the english equivalent and I'm in that humiliation mindset immediately because I know what he wants and needs from me.

But that humiliation mindset is not always possible, either. If emotions are far too close to the surface, for instance, humiliation may not be the best thing for the submissive, even if you have a burning need for it. Humiliation is such an emotional thing for the person being humiliated, that it is not always a good thing to do. That sounds so basic, but frankly, I have had to end relationships before because the Dom could not understand that...well...that it truly ISN'T all about him.

Which brings me to the most important aspect of long distance humiliation. Well, a long distance relationship of any sort actually. It isn't all about either of us. Balance, balance, balance. See, one thing that Padrone brought into our relationship that it took a while for me to get used to, AND to trust, was that he has a deep level of understand of just what it means to have a long distance relationship. In other words, he knew that he had to get to know me and my lifestyle and my circumstances in order for his needs to be met. He is quite flexible in his thinking and can think of alternate ways to get what he wants and needs from me. He does not have a set of rules that "His slave" will or will not do, such as dress a certain way or whatever. He understands that I am an individual, and while he would love things that I cannot provide because of my life, he has found ways to get his needs met in ways that I can provide.

But it isn't all about HIM. Padrone has a saying - a happy slave serves better. We slaves often don't want to think about our Masters giving to us simply to make us happy, but that's a part of any SUCCESSFUL relationship. If Padrone didn't make an effort to make me happy, and assumed that all I need to be happy is the chance to serve him and make HIM happy, then guess what? I ain't gonna be happy! I need to know that he cares about me, not simply about a romanticized version of D/s and what a "slave needs" and such as that.

A long distance relationship is not a fairy tale, if it is a successful one at least. And I think that with ours lasting 8 years, and each of us very happy in it, I can call ours successful. It takes work, communication, understanding, and sacrifice on BOTH sides, ESPECIALLY if humiliation is brought into the relationship.

Padrone, the more I think about what works in our relationship, the more grateful I become for you being who you are. You may be arrogant and have a big ego, but the fact that you can patiently wait for me to reach the point that I can do what you want and give what you need has probably been the most important factor to the success of our relationship. You put your own needs on hold while working towards a level of intimacy and connection that neither of us thought possible, and that is what made meeting your deep needs possible. I still don't think I can type "your deepest needs", because I have a very strong feeling that you have even stronger, deeper, darker needs that you have not expressed to me yet. Some of those may not be possible to meet long distance, and that is understandable. And some you will express when you feel is the right time. I trust you to know me, to "read" me, and to open me to your will - as you do so wonderfully and so beautifully, even through humiliation.

Thank you, Padrone, for being the man you are and making me so extremely happy. Thank you for wanting my happiness as much as I crave yours. Is it any wonder that I adore you with all that I am, my love? I am, indeed, yours.

The Dreaded Vacations!

I've been thinking lately, go figure. It's been good thinking, though. :)

Padrone is on vacation, reluctantly. I am laughing as I type that since he is a major homebody and even being offered a free vacation to the beautiful Italian mountains was not enticing for him! He will enjoy it far more than he thinks, but of course after raising such a ruckus about it (with me, not with the generous offerers), he'll complain a bit when he gets home - lol.

I am so glad he is on vacation. Not that I want to have such limited contact with him, but I do know that changing scenery can often be a nice shot in the arm, even for people as even-keeled as Padrone. And even though all the fresh air and GREEN may choke and blind him, it's my firm belief that he'll come home rested mentally and physically, and be quite glad he went.

Of course, I could be wrong, and he could be glad to get home to bricks and fog, but hey, I've been wrong before!

I plan to go visit my parents this week while he is gone, so our crazy schedules will have a shorter effect than if we went at different times. The problem right now is that due to a miscommunication with my doctor's office and pharmacy, I was off of some of the medicines that have helped me so tremendously since I started taking them. It is taking a bit of time for me to get them back into my system, and I keep yawning and yawning and feeling the incredible lethargy I felt for so long. A month isn't long enough for them to be in my system fully enough that taking almost a week of won't make me start over again - or feel like it anyway.

So I may wait until Tuesday before I go. My mom wants me to help her move some books from storage into her house, and as a reward I can get some books she has already read! Yay! And since Padrone so graciously granted permission for me to go on my own "free" beach vacation, I have my entertainment already lined up! What can I say, I am amazingly low-maintenance!

And what I've been thinking about lately is the fact that Padrone and I have been together for 8 years now. 8 years. We have been through some terrible times, and some joyous times as well. I have literally fallen apart several times, and if it weren't for Padrone to hold me together, I would probably have given up altogether a long time ago.

I give Padrone what he needs as well. He hasn't fallen apart or anything, but I have made his life better, and have made him so incredibly happy. Even my silliness offers him a means to exert his control and to lead and guide me, and for me to show the adoration I feel for him - all of which he needs. He loves obedience and the overt expression of his control. We fit so beautifully together, and I love it. I love him.

So, Padrone, while you breathe the toxic fresh air and take in the noxious green color of nature, just know that your slave, your schiava, adores you with all she is and can't wait to tease you more about your hated vacation! My Padrone, I am so GLAD to be yours!

Thinking and Thinking

So much has happened with Padrone and me lately, and I want to type it out but I don't know where to start! I guess I will begin with the newest rule Padrone has given me.

My collar is one which I cannot wear all the time, for various reasons. And Padrone has never been that concerned with me wearing it or not - it has been available whenever he has wanted me to put it on. But now I have a new rule - to wear my collar whenever I am home and don't have people around. That's totally new, and I am grateful for it!

Since school has been out, I've been in a bit of an introspective mood in general, I guess. Since getting my Masters, I have come to a crossroads in my career and I admit that I am totally unsure of how and where to go from here. But Padrone is so good at seeing things so clearly, and we talked for a bit yesterday and that helped tremendously! I still have a lot of thinking to do, of course, but I am not chasing so many rabbits as I was, thank goodness!

We keep getting closer and closer. It amazes me so often, in such a good way. I will miss this man next week, when our communication is limited because of vacations. And for the first time in several years, I am not taking courses over the summer (still feels strange), so we will have more time than usual all summer long. That feels so good, except I won't have much to talk about - lol.

Padrone, most of what I have wanted to say to you lately I have said via email, so you know my deepest thoughts of course. You know my worries and my scattered thoughts, and you know how safe and guided I feel with your very wonderful control. I love how well our lives, our desires, and our needs seem to fit together, except when my horniness fades so suddenly - lol. Bottom line, I love *you* and am so grateful to be yours, forever. Grazie, il Padrone mio.

Appreciation

'Nuff said.

Beating the Drum

I was thinking of my students today, on the last day of school with them. I have been hugged, received hand-written notes, and given sweet little gifts for a couple of weeks, as my leaving hit them in waves and at different times. Each of them dealt with the future without me in their lives in totally different ways. The tough boy who gave me hell at the first of the year literally clung to me - literally - and cried when he said goodbye. Some tended to ignore it until their last day then they hugged and got emotional, showing it in vastly different ways. One gave me a rose and kissed my cheek (he's 10 years old, get your mind outta the gutter!). One wouldn't look at me at all. One gave me the "gift" of good behavior for an entire class period! One gave me a picture every day for several days. So many ways to let me know that I have made an impact in their young lives, each one as unique as the child who offered it.

Each one as unique as my relationship with the young person himself.

My students often march to the beat of different drummers, and while I am sometimes able to lead them in a melodious tune, pleasing to those who judged us based on their behaviors, often I was simply the ineffective conductor futilely trying to get off-key instruments to find any tune at all. They each have their own sets of challenges, of circumstances, and of abilities - and there are some things which will not change no matter how much I would love to change it for them. But after all, who am *I* to make those decisions for them? They have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - loved ones who raise them the best they can, given their knowledge, finances, and belief systems.

And so, while I would make different choices for them if I were the one who controlled their lives, it is ultimately none of my business how they live, as long as they are in school and striving to learn the academics which it is my job to teach.

Some of my kids will grow up to live on welfare. That is not a judgment, it is a very realistic expectation based upon their abilities and the values that have been taught to them. Several of them will grow up to have nice productive lives with jobs that enable them to have a decent living. Some will get a 2 year degree or vocational trade training, and one or two may even graduate from a 4 year degree. It will depend upon choices they make, options they see, and belief in themselves and their abilities. I have done all I could in this one year to be able to show them possibilities rather than hindrances, but now the baton has passed to other teachers. I hope they don't drop it and allow the circle of dependence to continue, at least for those who have the ability to go beyond what they have ever dreamed they could do.

But all I could do during the time they were mine is to love them, correct them, and believe in them. Now I will remember them and pray for them with fondness.

But what really struck me today was how easy it is to accept that each of my students marches to their own drummer, and to relate to each individual student in unique ways. I believe with all my heart that it is that ability to accept and adjust that has allowed me to be the slave I am to Padrone, even though we have never met physically. See, touch is nice, but it is simply touch. Intimacy is far more wonderful than a physical touch, and can be gained in so many ways that have nothing to do with physicality. I became, for several months, one of the most important people in my students' lives simply because I loved them and opened my heart and mind to them. I do the same, on a much deeper level of course, with Padrone. So our drumbeat is a bit different from that of a "typical" relationship. Whatever our beat is, it makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.

Padrone, one more time (I hope) for the job hunt. Thank you for being so incredibly understanding of all that goes on here. Your support has led me to believe even more fully in myself, and has eased a lot of the worry that has always been such an intrinsic part of my life. No matter how I long to be with you physically, I would never trade what we have together for any physical relationship! I am yours, no matter the geographical circumstances, my heart, mind, and body are totally and forever yours. I adore you with all that I am, my Padrone, and all that I will become. Simply and wonderfully yours.