Expectations and other things

Yes, another blog post only one day after my last one! Has the sky fallen yet?

Well, i guess sometimes, for me, when it rains it pours in terms of the desire, or need, or whatever it is that drives me to type thoughts out in a public forum. i was reading my post of yesterday, and it dawned on me that the problems in many relationships don't stem from differing perceptions as much as the expectations that we have from those differing perceptions.

For instance, when i am given a rule that i am to do daily, and i don't do it, i tend to have the opinion that i have failed to perform my task.

When i don't do a daily task, as long as it isn't a recurring problem, Padrone has the opinion that i am human and have simply shown it.

We talked about it this morning, as a matter of fact, and He used an analogy to illustrate His thoughts to me that i found very easy to understand. He said that, if i were going to the grocery store, and had a list, and i do that every week....and if i get home and have forgotten the sugar....would i have failed? Or would i have made a simple, human, common mistake?

The answer is that i've made a mistake of course, but when it is a task set forth by Padrone, it's not the same, and i can only explain it by saying that by forgetting the sugar, i have made a mistake, and since it *was* simply a mistake there is no punishment involved, only the consequences of another trip to the store. But if i forget a task set forth by Him, any consequences are in the form of punishment.

So, while He expects that i will, at times, make a mistake in my obedience to my daily tasks....as any human does.....He really sees the punishment for it as more of a negative consequence than as a true punishment. If forgetting to type an email once every few months is natural and expected, then why would a punishment be necessary?

That was what i was reacting to badly to, actually, the knowledge that His words and His actions didn't seem to be consistent. i didn't understand that He viewed punishment as a consequence to remind me, rather than a true punishment to change my behavior. i thought that by punishing me, He felt i could attain the perfection of never forgetting an email. In reality it was designed as more to be a "trip back to the store for sugar" than any attempt to change my behavior.

Where am i going with this? i'm not totally sure, but i know it really *is* about expectations. i expect to be able to at least have the *opportunity* to never be punished in tasks that He sets for me, and He expects a human effort from me, knowing and trusting that i will give my best as much and often as i can but expecting that i will make mistakes and not meet those expectations perfectly. In the past, those mistakes have equaled punishment. So, the question remained....do i really deserve punishment for a human mistake that i will make time and again?

And, the answer is that i deserve negative consequences. It may be the same things that happened before, but by labeling it consequences, then my own stress has eased, my own attempt to be perfect is still strong, but not making me frustrated and upset with myself when it doesn't happen. And by labeling it as consequences, it has also helped Padrone to understand that His expectations may need to be...redefined, or revisited, or even more clearly communicated, than they were before.

i never would have thought that was the case. i really thought something was wrong with *me* for getting so upset every time i missed an email and was punished for it. But the reality is that i was feeling as if i were set up to fail, and that there was an unavoidable punishment lurking over my head at all times, which would come down on me for making a mistake....not for bad behavior or bad attitude or anything that could be changed by a punishment.

Maybe we misuse the idea of punishment as the answer to every unmet duty of the slave. Frankly, everyone is going to miss something now and then, i don't care if you *do* wear superman pajamas! (i know, that was weird) And so i truly believe that there should be certain behaviors for which there aren't punishments, rather there are consequences... return trips to the store for sugar.

Now i know what happens when i miss an email...there is a consistent consequence in place for when that happens. It isn't something drastic, but will be a reminder all day of my mistake. i can text that i realized my mistake, do what is required, and go on. i can't TELL you how relieved that makes me feel. It's like a huge load off my shoulders.

Why? Because i know i am not going to be punished for missing an email anymore. (unless i just...decide not to type it for whatever reason or something). There will be consequences, just as there are with every mistake we make, whether large or small. Many times the consequences are what alert us to the fact that we *did* make a mistake! But by changing the way we word this, it has changed my own expectations of my behavior, and lines them up more closely with Padrone's....i can begin to make annoying "trips back for sugar", rather than stressing out over how to become perfect.

i honestly think that we in the D/s or M/s lifestyle, get too caught up in trappings or vocabulary, and often just doing what Padrone did and bringing in a totally vanilla analogy helps us communicate and clear the air much faster than if we kept talking in terms of punishment and undone tasks.

Punishment vs. consequences...what a novel thought! Ongoing consequences for mistakes, punishment solely for disobedience. Gosh, that's just...well, i don't like being punished, so it's a huge breakthrough in my mental processes, just changing the wording and setting definite, well-defined and predictable consequences for forgetting my email...that was so effective in changing my own perceptions, and my own expectations based on those perceptions. Wow, amazing! It seems like a totally new idea, and maybe it is in the D/s world - lol.

Thank You for being willing, and even glad, to talk about this today Padrone. i agree that we needed to, because it would eventually have become a land mine waiting to explode if we didn't. i think so, anyway.

i love You, Padrone.