A Fourth of July post, including D/s thoughts

Well. First off i am going to say Happy Birthday to the USA! It's really hard to remember sometimes what this holiday is all about. After all, it's the middle of the summer, folks aren't fighting in the backyard (unless you have kids, but that's a different story), and we aren't struggling to form a brand new country, declaring our independence from one we consider unfair in their dealings with us, and oppressive in their rule of us. But if we take a moment and put ourselves in the shoes of those who signed the Declaration of Independence we realize that they could easily have been signing their own death warrant, truly putting their lives on the line for something they believed strongly in.

Nowadays if someone does that, they are considered insane at worst, naively misguided at best, and are always an object of pity. We truly don't care as much as we used to, the human race as a whole. We can't judge folks based on our own beliefs, because by doing so we may offend someone. We can't state opinions that differ from the most outspoken, or we are argued down and ridiculed. The majority, even in our own country, is silenced by folks who use political correctness as a way to control the masses. If you don't believe it is true, try saying something against some of the "hot topics" that are supported by the more vocal (and more covered by media) of today's "influential people". It's sad that even in the USA freedom of speech doesn't exist any longer, out of fear of being called a "hater". And yes, i usually contribute to it by saying "oh well, not my problem".

But it IS my problem, not that i can do anything to change society as a whole. But i do exercise free speech in my home and in my community, even when it isn't popular to do so. The reality is that where i live i have a reputation as an open minded person because i speak thoughts that aren't in line with popular thought around here, but i don't do so in an "in your face, so THERE" kind of way, so i am a bit more respect even if i am thought odd. i just wish that everyone who liked to stir the pot would remember what the freedom to do so cost many good people and many more families, 230 or so years ago.

Now, i'm off the soapbox and onto some things i have been thinking lately.

i've been thinking about why i need Padrone in my life.

i know. On the surface that's a pretty stupid thing to be pondering, isn't it? But realistically it isn't. i know i need His control, but....over what? i know i need for Him to accept responsibility....that's a huge thing for me, since i carry guilt for many, many things i shouldn't feel guilty for, things that others not only refused to take responsibility for but for which the responsibility was shoved unceremoniously on my already over-burdened back. i know i need His care, His concern, His use, His humiliation, His love.

But....is that really *enough* to have made this relationship last so long and become so strong?

Maybe it would be easier to say what i *don't* need, and why.

i don't need someone to rescue me. i don't need a knight charging in on his steed, to fight the demons and dragons that may endanger me. i need to fight my own battles, to suffer, to learn, to overcome. Does that mean i don't need His protection from time to time? Of course not. There are times when i literally can't face what i have to face, and i hide from those things...usually through serving Padrone, and knowing that He is there when i need Him to be is what i need. He is supportive, accepting, encouraging, and as understanding as He can be of the demons that drive me so hard at times, those things that have often made me try to push Him away, or have made me so emotionally difficult to deal with that all i have seemed to be able to do is hope He could hold on until things settled back down.

It hasn't been fair that Padrone has paid the price for all the things done to me in the past by others, but...i needed someone that was willing to do that, so that i could, safely and in a trusted emotional environment, face the demons and render them less effective in controlling me.

What else? i also don't need a "Calgon Dom". (for those who may not remember, Calgon used to be a brand of bath crystals, and the commercial for them was a woman sinking into a bubble bath after a long day of demanding things....the words were "Calgon! Take me away!")

i don't need to be rescued, to be removed from reality. Now and then it is fun to fantasize and pretend, but the fact is that if i expect someone to come and "take me away"...He would eventually have to bring me back and while my mindset may have changed a little, the circumstances around me, and the demons and thoughts inside me, that affect how i live and who i am would still be the same.

i can't be rescued from myself. i can't be taken away from my reality.

What i have always needed, and still need, is someone who has done just as Padrone has done - who got to know me, and who used His authority over me to build a realistic framework based on who i am, where i am, what i can give, what i struggle to give, my eagerness, my frustrations, my limitations, my perfectionism.... all of it works together to give my all, to please, and to serve my Padrone to the best of my ability. That, to me, is what a Master is.

What do i call someone who has done that for me? The person who was patient and learned about *me* before demanding and ordering and controlling in unreasonable ways...the person who allowed me to struggle, to resist, to push, to try to sabotage our relationship, to push Him away, even to run away myself....the person who, with infinite patience and love, showed me the tapestry of myself as seen by Him.... the person provided a safe and secure emotional environment for me, and who waited as, when i felt secure and safe to begin what i have waited my entire life to begin, i began to face demons and (much to my surprise) began to exorcise them as well. What could i ever call a man like that, who has done all of that and so much more....just because He saw something in me a long, long time ago that He felt was worth nurturing and revealing, layer by layer, until i shine as His loved and cherished slave?

Some may call Him a knight in shining armor. Some may call Him rescuer. Some may simply call Him Master. To me, He is all of that and more.

He is my Hero.