In defense of LDRs

i've been doing some thinking lately. i have been thinking about how much i have changed in the past 4 years, how much i have grown emotionally, mentally, even intellectually to a degree, and what the cause of it has been. i have come to some conclusions that may offend a few people, but i don't particularly care - lol.

What i have done, emotionally, nobody will ever be able to understand without knowing just a bit about my history. i had typed it out in detail, and it won't be posted. But in general, i was sexually molested by several family members (one at a time) throughout my childhood, among other abuses and situations and circumstances. All of that created major psychological issues that i commonly refer to as "demons" here in my blog. Those demons created issues for me throughout adulthood, and eventually led to me discovering D/s, and finally to divorce. Even in the D/s realm, i have a history of failed relationships, or failed attempts at relationships even.

The Master i was in a relationship with before i met Padrone, as a matter of fact, was long distance as well. He is the one who made me realize the need for me to look into myself and see if i could face some of the demons and possibly find a way to overcome them.

i did begin that journey then, but when the relationship ended...well even before then....i made a conscious choice to erect extremely high walls and never let anyone inside again.

HA.

When i met Padrone, i knew i had issues to work on. i didn't think i could do so, i didn't think i could face them on my own and i really didn't think that limited contact with Him would be enough emotional support, or distraction, or control, for me to deal with all the emotions i knew would be erupting as i moved along this journey.

i didn't think a long distance relationship would allow me to do all the "work" i needed to do emotionally, and so i decided not to fool with any of it.

What actually HAPPENED is that as i became more "emotionally" safe, i was able to face emotional demons with the knowledge that Padrone would accept, support, and love me no matter what i found, or what i had to deal with. And frankly, (and this is the part that may be offensive to some folks, but so be it)....i could never have done it if we had not been long distance.

All the other things about a relationship would have gotten in the way, see. This way i have been able to focus on Him, to search myself and find ways to be a better slave to Him. That's the bottom line, but it has necessarily turned into me becoming a better person overall as the baggage is lifted from my shoulders, slowly and gradually yet inexorably.

If i had to worry about all the things that are a part of a face-to-face kind of relationship, as well as the emotional junk, i would never be where i am now. And that is what makes our relationship an absolutely vital, vibrant, thriving, real, living, growing, wonderful thing. i have been able to focus not on the day-to-day issues of serving face-to-face, and so i have had the energy to focus on making myself a better person overall.

See...NOW, while i am working on becoming emotionally healthy....i can do just that....i don't have to worry about whether or not He will like what i fix for dinner, so i can just...fix dinner and let my mind wander as i do. i don't have to think about my irritable mood ruining anything...i don't have to worry about feeling sexy or looking my best or being distracted by something He does that annoys me. i don't have to wonder what the effect of my rigorous introspection and absorption with my self will have on our relationship, because *this* way i know i can focus on Him most of the time while we are together, and when i can't, He understands. To expect Him to "understand" when it's weeks on end of constant difficulty to focus on Him would be way too much, but it would be inevitable if we lived in the same house because...while relaxing the "work" of introspection is possible for me for a while every day, when i am in that mode, it affects my entire life for the most part, and to try to relax that work for more than a while every day would be defeating the purpose and truly prolong the journey. It's been long enough as it is, believe me.

All i have to do is to learn to accept HIS acceptance of me, and as i do that, i can face whatever i have to face and know that the "ugly" side of me can be shown, at least a bit. And the best part about it all? When we *do* finally meet, i will be a healthy, emotionally balanced woman who has better things to give her Master than the woman He met online initially! i *will* be able to focus on the daily aspects of our relationship, and i won't have so much baggage preventing me from being as pleasing as i possibly can be....which emotional baggage, by its very nature, does.

For those who say that long distance relationships aren't as "real" as face to face ones, i say you are absolutely, without a doubt, plain old WRONG. For those who think they are less than, not as good as, or a substitute for a face-to-face realtionship, again, WRONG.

This one, at least, is a very healthy one, and has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and to Padrone as well, in many ways, not the least of which it has enabled me to focus on my own emotional healing without the kinds of distractions that are always present when one lives with one's partner.

i do understand that this concept is foreign and absolutely inconceivable to many people, especially judgmental folks who haven't yet learned that there really *are* shades of grey in life. i understand that this concept is scoffed at and ridiculed by some as well.

But in the words of the South's most famous bachelor....Frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn.

Padrone, i am not sure why these words, these thoughts, have been bubbling inside my mind for a while now. All i know is that i have learned a lot of things in this relationship, and because of this relationship, and i am grateful beyond words that You have been there, especially when i know it wasn't easy for You to be, or when You didn't have a clue what i was doing or going through or who i was....You have shown me, taught me by Your actions and Your words, that not every relationship will be "traditional" or "conventional" and that ours doesn't have to be to be quite successful. i will go so far as to say that, had we met too soon, it would even have failed....because of who i was then, and because of the way our relationship has allowed me the space to become who i am.

Maybe that's the whole point. You control me so deeply, totally, and wonderfully. Yet i have the emotional space to grow and learn and change and become a better slave and a better person. That would be FAR more difficult if we lived together from the beginning, or even visited often.

Padrone, i am deeply grateful to You for the way You are. i can't ever begin to express the deep appreciation for how You have used common sense to own me. i know i am safe as Your slave....that, Padrone, has always been my emotional nirvana - to feel safe. You have created that utopia for me, and i am grateful, proud, and relieved to live here peacefully. Thank You for believing in me, Padrone.