A few random thoughts

So i went another full week without blogging. i guess i am just too busy lately, and really have nothing to share believe it or not.

We have made a few adjustments to the details of our relationship, and i find that they ... well take some adjusting to! What i mean is that one rule in particular has been completely deleted, one which was causing me more stress than i even realized until my meltdown a few weeks ago. Padrone is really a wonderful Master, in more ways than just being a Master if that makes sense.

i guess i'm back to the theme of...our relationship is most definitely M/s, but we don't always express the M/s overtly. He is my Master, but he is so much beyond that as well. He takes care of me, which is part of what being a Master is all about but frankly by now it has moved beyond being the duty of his role as Master. Maybe that's the elusive "something" i have been trying to think of as a way to clarify in my own mind what about our relationship is "beyond" M/s. We do what we do because of who we are, and because of the great love we feel for each other, not simply because it is our duty to do so.

i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but the difference is definitely felt. i love Padrone with all that i am, and trust him with no reservations, something i have never been able to say about anyone else in my life, ever. He is a good man in general, which i guess is vital to someone being a good Master. The person he is makes the Master he is....his role as Master doesn't define him. It's exactly opposite from the immpression i get from what others based strictly on reading blogs and conversations with them.

Maybe that's what the difference is. We express who we are, rather than try to fit into a role. At first we did have to kind of do what we thought was expected of us, as we got to know each other, but as time passed it was necessary to relax into simply being who we are, and trusting that what we have given in our role was a reflection of who we are.

Anyway, i didn't mean to get into all that. i really just wanted to say that my recent "breakthrough" regarding emotions and physical intimacy has been quite illuminating for me in a number of ways. Yes, the pure sex has been amazing now, and i do wonder if HE has felt a change himself. i haven't asked him yet, as we've spent time talking about other things. (or i forgot, when we weren't talking about other things). But for me, it's like floodgates have opened and all the emotions i never knew were being held back just....aren't anymore.

Even when the intimacy is humiliation or pain. (yes, i know, seems an impossibility, but it happens) Like today, pain. Intense pain that i haven't felt in a long time. And the struggle was greater than it has been in a long time to accept it, to surrender to it. But when it happened....it was breathtaking in its intensity. Same with humiliation recently - everything i feel has seemed magnified, has grown and deepened and become new. It's been difficult to handle in the short term, at times. i have needed a lot of tenderness and after care, more than usual, because of the depths that i get lost in more than i used to.

i have always "floated", even with online interaction. i have always been able to reach that place of losing myself in his control, and simply floating mindlessly afterwards. i don't have the luxury of doing it fully because i still have to care for my own needs afterwards but when i have privacy and time .... it is amazing. Lately, however, including this morning's use...it has been something i haven't been able to reign in. i'm not complaining in the least, believe me! But Padrone did mention once that he wondered what would happen with humiliation and pain, and while it hasn't happened often since my "awakening", i think it will be a positive thing rather than a negative one.

i have already gone through all the rationalization and emotional gymnastics necessary for me to be perfectly comfortable needing pain and somewhat comfortable with my need to be humiliated, so i think it's more a matter of me dealing with the openness and depths of the emotions....the surrender that i feel so strongly, especially when i have to struggle to do so. It's one of those things that i can't explain, but which i am deeply grateful for as long as it doesn't totally overwhelm me into emotional immobility.

So what a jumbled mix of thoughts here, none of which probably make much sense. But that's alright, my job isn't to always make sense, for which i am eternally grateful!

Padrone, i love You, and i am so proud to be Yours, and incredibly happy. Just simply happy. Thank You, for taking care of me because You care for me so deeply, and show it so well. i love how we are always learning and growing, and the safety of our relationship that allows us to do so.