What, me worry?

Well, one week from now i will have completed my first class on campus, the first class i have taken in 24 years. Should be...interesting. Yes, i'm getting nervous about it, and feeling more and more challenged and....yes, terrified of failure...as the days pass. Oh well, i know i'll make it, i just worry about at what cost.

See, lately i've had connection problems with my tethering program, or my blackberry, or the cell signal, or something. Doesn't matter what, it just matters that i have been on and offline, sometimes several times, during the times we have had together lately. And my daughter has let the cordless phone die, and "can't find it" now. And i had to do something to make the connection more stable, so i got dialup again. i hate dialup. i wanted satellite internet, but it wasn't an option. So i'm back in the dark ages again.

But i'm having a difficult time within myself (sounds stupid i know), because Padrone's patience ran totally out with my lack of availability given my connection problems, and that makes me worry a lot about his patience when i can't be online because of a paper due, or the need to study, or work, or drive, or whatever. Or maybe the worry isn't when one of those things happens, but when it happens time and time again.

i KNOW he understands that i'll be getting a lot busier soon, but these classes are really going to eat into our time - not only the classes themselves, but the fact that any homework or assignments or studying for tests will have to be done around classes AND a work schedule, AND our time together, AND parenting, AND son with classes, AND daughter with job, and....

i don't know how i am going to do it, not at all.

And given the fact that when Padrone has wanted to use me, i have had connection issues, and when it's been more stable he hasn't wanted to use me, yet he still gets rather....impatient....when i'm not available for use when he wants it....i worry.

i worry about how *i'll* handle it if he gets impatient with me for not being available, knowing that i could have taken one or two classes this summer, and waited until next summer to take the rest. Or i could have taken it all online this fall, but over a longer time period. And yes, Padrone did look over the options i had, and this option will be the best in terms of several factors, not only the speed with which i can get certified. He is the one who had the final say in this, i know that intellectually.

i just know that last night i was reprimanded for not already having had dialup, and it was stormy weather and i was knocked offline and it was quite frustrating because Padrone wanted to use me and it wasn't possbile. So i spent an hour or so finding a dialup service for my local area, and finally got signed up for it. When i got online this morning, there was nothing. No comment whatsoever, nothing to indicate that he was glad, or that it was about time, or even acknowledging that i had done what i was supposed to do, even after he got upset that i hadn't already done it last night. (i was hoping to stay with a local company, which had limited office hours, which is why the delay - but i went with a national one after all, to expedite things... and that's why i hadn't already done it, btw, because lack of time when they were open.)

i was pretty disappointed, frankly. i know i was only disappointed because i had hopes of at least a comment. But when i mentioned that i was on dialup, i got a nod in reply.

i worry about what happens this summer when i bust my butt to make things easy for him, and routine and all the things i always *try* to do (which aren't always noticed unless i fail in my efforts, like with the connection issues)....i worry about my own reactions if that kind of thing is taken as his due.

i know i know. It IS his due. That's what i signed up for. i do realize that, intellectually. And i AM the one who signed up for it all...the relationship, the job, the school, the kids, all of it. All my choice, so nobody to blame but myself if i struggle, and if i fail. It's not Padrone's responsibility to acknowledge anything i do, and maybe i'm spoiled because he does at times recognize that things aren't always easy for me. But lately, i think he needs the physical expression of my submission and surrender to him, and it hasn't happened in quite some time, and so the fact that i did that last night maybe *was* something that he just needed me to do to express that surrender, i don't know.

All i know is that i am going to be stretched thinner than i ever have since we've been together (except when i had surgery, but that was a different situation entirely, definitely NOT a choice there), and even what my seem like small gestures, or routine things, may take a LOT of focus to make happen. i know that. i'm prepared for it. i guess i just....hope Padrone understands it as well.

i'm really nervous and worried, you know.

And...what use is there in worrying, or in whining, or in borrowing trouble? i think i'm kind of latching onto something "concrete" to validate my worries, maybe. But i really am concerned that i won't be able to give all things to all people while i am...finally...giving to myself as well. It may be the guilt that i feel that will create the problem, to the point that i sabotage myself in my classes. It may be that my daughter loses out because i have given too much to my son. It may be that i begin to resent Padrone. It may be that i begin to hate myself for not knowing how to do anything without giving all i have to it, even parenting.

And it may be that i cuss a customer out and get fired - lol.

All i know is that i am worried. i am excited for what the future holds, and yet i am extremely worried about getting through the "fire" of this summer, first.

Sorry for the whiny-butt, worry-filled post.

Padrone, this summer will try your patience far more than the recent connection problems did, by far. i just hope and pray that it won't be too hard, Padrone. Please, please hang in here with me, and please...just know i will do my very best in all things, to juggle all the "balls" i'll have going on, and to make sure that if anything is done poorly, it isn't our relationship. This, too, shall pass, eventually. i am sorry, Padrone.