Thinking...

I've been doing a lot of reading of blogs while I have been off this week, and a lot of resultant thinking as well. And the idea that I am extremely lucky and blessed has been reinforced exponentially.

Tonight I went out to eat, alone. I missed having Padrone's company so much I could taste the desire for his physical presence. I watched older couples enjoy each other's company, and I dreamed of holding his hand and leaning to kiss him. I wondered what he would think of fried catfish, a southern staple. And I went to the RedBox and rented a movie, went to Wal Mart and bought some Ben & Jerry's, and came home. It was my idea to go somewhere alone tonight; I voluntarily gave up time with Padrone even though I knew I would miss him. I needed a break from routine (and Padrone was alright with it, even though I did feel guilty about it).

But what happened, as I missed the man I have never met face to face with every fiber of my being, was that I realized just exactly how blessed I am to have found him in any way. I am so loved, and I never doubt it. See, even though I missed the physical contact with him, it never once crossed my mind that we wouldn't be holding hands or leaning to kiss one another. It was never even a .... not even a trace of a thought that we would be anything but the loving, loved couple that we are. Oh, I'm sure we might do things a bit differently than others do, although I truly don't know for sure. Padrone may decide to be all Domly and have certain rituals or expectations of my behavior when we eat, I have no idea. But none of that matters. Did y'all hear that? None of that matters.

See, there has been a lot of discussion about roles again in blogland lately. How one should feel, what happens when one doesn't feel the way they "should" feel or would like to feel. What types of submission indicate that one is a slave vs. a submissive? So much discussion, so many words, so much anguish over .... well, over something that may be important to others, but thank God they are not at all important in our relationship.

See, what we are to one another is simply what we are. I call him Padrone, which is Master/Owner in Italian. He calls me schiava (among other things, some so naughty that I can't say here), which is slave in Italian. But y'all know what? It would not matter if we used names or if we used random words to call each other. None of that negates the fact that who we are to each other is defined *not* by words, but by our personalities, our needs, our desire for each others' happiness to a very, very deep level.

I have talked about this before, and I'm sure I will again eventually. But just as tonight's missing him reminded me so strongly of how much I love and need him, so does the reminder that we make each other so happy simply by acting in the ways that come naturally to each of us.

That is *not* to say that he doesn't ask me to do things I don't want to do, by any means. He needs for me to show my adoration in extreme ways, which is really neat because I need to show it in extreme ways as well. Not every time of course, but often enough that we can reach that level of intimacy that is so totally beyond coherent words that my quiet sobs are the only sounds needed to express the emotions flowing almost tangibly between us. Dominant and submissive are merely words to describe our personalities. The labels free us to find a particular social network within which we aren't seen as "freaks". But for us... well, I would say that we have moved far beyond the need for labels and fitting into the expectations of what those labels seem to place on us.

Padrone, to know that you love me for the totality of who I am, not merely how I act within a set of rules defined more by a label than by my personality, is amazing beyond words. What we have is ... well, it seems quite unusual because we are simply natural. We have grown into the relationship I have always yearned for, my entire life. And to have found it across an ocean, and to have kept it alive, growing, and strong for 6.5 years....proves to me that we do indeed belong to each other.... forever. I adore you, il Padrone mio. Thank you for opening your mind, your life, your heart to this woman who needs you with everything she is. Thank you for giving yourself to me...for asking nothing in return that you do not give yourself. I am so very blessed to be your woman. So very, very blessed.