Spring Break, Continued, and Extras

So it's been a couple of weeks since Spring Break, and although I had planned to type a second installment of my Spring Break week, I think I'll incorporate it with the rest of what I planned to talk about today.

First school. I am down to the wire on my portfolio, but I don't have much more to do than to update the reflections and put everything in the exact order in which it will be turned in. Padrone is going to put it all on a website for me, like he did the first one, so I plan to get it sent to him in stages. My hope is to have it done no later than next Sunday so that it can be reviewed and edited by my professor before final submission. I graduate on May 10, if I pass my portfolio this time.

And yes, I did spend quite a bit of time over Spring Break working on the portfolio. I didn't think about work at all, which was a major relief and much needed. It was a wonderful break, filled with surrender, submission, Padrone, and taking care of myself. So I did indeed go back to work well rested, physically and emotionally.

I've been dealing with the administrator again, in small ways mostly but it is wearing on me, I admit. But I have slowly, too slowly, come to realize that what I have known about myself for a long time is also true of others. Yes, I know I can be a bit slow. But I fall into the submissive..."doormat"....mode when I am treated disrespectfully. I go back into the old me, the one who could not bear to stir the waters because of the possibility of conflict. Conflict has never turned out well for me, historically, and while I know our pasts do not define who we are now, the past *does* influence our reactions and unconscious expectations in the present.

So I've finally realized, today as a matter of fact, that if others treat me disrespectfully, it is a reflection of who they are rather than who I am. I have always realized it from the flip side - that my respectful treatment of others is simply because of who *I* am. But somehow, giving the same trait to others is not as easy to do. I still try to take responsibility for how others treat me, as well as how I treat them. It is so difficult not to, for some reason.

I've been heading to this point for a few days now, but it all kind of culminated into a "light bulb" thought today. Now I think I will be able to deal with her childishness better, without letting it stress me so much.

And I am missing Padrone more and more, when we miss our times together. At least tonight I got to tell him about the April Fool's joke I played on my class, which was fun. Even they appreciated it! I miss him so much lately. It's like half of me is missing. I am so geared towards him, it is almost as if I am addicted to him and need a "fix". I got a tremendous amount of his time and energy over Spring Break, so I am a bit spoiled I admit. The more I have, the more I crave sometimes. After all the years we have been together, it is truly a blessing that I can still say that.

Padrone, I could not be more yours, even though I strive for new ways to show it. I am an incredibly blessed woman, simply because I am yours. Thank you, my Padrone, for loving me, needing me, wanting me as I am, and as I can be. Thank you.