Choices and consequences, and more choices

i don't do New Year's resolutions, but it seems that after the excesses of the holidays, i typically do tend to make some decisions about my life that i have put off while i enjoyed myself. So maybe one could call them resolutions, although it doesn't take any sort of thought or decision making or planning to make these decisions. They also typically are based on the need for change or for a new direction.

For instance, i have decided that i am going to walk today. i haven't exercised in quite some time, and the day is gorgeous, if cool, and i finally got my ipod to work, so i am going walking. i hope to make it a regular thing, since my working hours are supposed to be getting more consistent and i can more easily get into a routine now than before. i am not making a resolution, nor even a commitment, because this is something i want to do to better myself, it is an active choice i am making, and if it turns into a chore or an obligation (in the beginning at any rate), it will be far more difficult to make myself do it than if i simply grab my ipod and go.

That is how i am about losing weight as well. i am not going to make a commitment to lose weight, although i do want to do just that. What i am going to do is to think about making healthier choices of when, what, and how much i eat. i want to look better for Padrone, but what has been the motivating factor behind this particular thought process is that i want to feel better in general.

i get sick far more than i ever have. Within the past 3-4 years it seems i have been sick at least every couple of months. Used to, i never got sick, maybe one or two colds in a year, or something like that. Since i've known Padrone, i have had the flu, the swine flu, shoulder surgery, gall bladder surgery, more migraines than i can count, colds out the wazoo, and most recently a terrible tummy virus (i honestly think it was a form of the flu, based on how long it took to recover from it). So much of that could be prevented if i was in better health in general. Some couldn't, like the surgeries. But i can, should, and will, take better care of my health to prevent sicknesses and not just deal with them when they "get me".

i have already begun the process of improving my finances, and that is a continuing thing. Padrone had me on a very small, but very firm, saving plan...and i hope to continue that this year but in a way that is on a little larger scale. i am not going to any extreme by any means, but i do want to have money so that i always know my light bill will be paid and that i will always have money for gas in my car. Improving my health will decrease time missed from work, which will increase the financial stability, so see? Making good choices is, for me, the way to go.

i also want to improve my submission to Padrone. i want to find ways to keep our communication going, even if i am working. i want to discover more ways to honor him and please him, and i want to lose the fear of vulnerability that still has its place in our relationship. i want to feel more free to explore, to reveal thoughts and ideas, and to live in the knowledge that Padrone loves for me to offer my submission...which means that my sharing of ideas and thoughts, and even fantasies and needs, that may not be things we have previously explored, is something that he would encourage and really want for me to do.

On the home front, i want to declutter, gradually and yet consistently. i want to clean until the house sparkles, and then rest for a week! i want to begin cooking at home more often, and taking my lunch to work, although again...if that is a "have to" then i'll get resentful and pout and whine and such.

And lastly, i want to improve my spiritual life. That is a very personal choice, and one that i won't speak of here unless i feel the need to do so. So no resolutions, only decisions to improve my life overall.

And yes, i will begin with a nice walk as soon as i finish typing this, and clean the lunch dishes.

Padrone, i am grateful that you haven't pushed and shoved me into becoming the perfect slave, or changing my life totally for you. That may sound selfish, but your patience in waiting for me to see the simple reality that you deserve better than a sick, unhealthy, slave with no money and constant stress because of that...is what has led me to that conclusion. You could have shoved that down my throat, yes, of course you could have. But you don't want to force me, you want me to offer. And now i am.

i offer you a getting-healthier me.

i offer you a more fiscally fit me (or at least a steady push towards that goal).

i offer you a more free, less inhibited me. And yes, that was even scary to type, sheesh.

i offer you a more organized, less cluttered, hence less stressed, me.

And i offer you a more spiritual, calmer, again less stressed, me.

Grazie for giving me the freedom to make poor choices, and the ability to learn from the consequences of those choices. You are truly a wonderful, caring man, and i am immensely blessed to be yours.