Obedience and judgmental behavior

Lots of things going through my mind, some of which would make some of my readers very happy to hear, but which i doubt i will ever share. Some of the things are simply things i have to think through and try to come out the other end with a positive attitude about.

It's life.

i do try hard to keep a positive attitude about life in general, and about my submission specifically. It isn't always possible, and even when possible it isn't always easy to do so. We all know that. But i honestly believe that submission entails a huge measure of "doing it anyway", as i have discussed in previous posts.

Or it means changing lives, changing habits, to follow instructions. That is what i am dealing with at the moment, because Padrone has altered some of my rules and that is requiring me to alter the way i do things. The thing is, it's not a directive to actively *do* anything, it is more a *when* you do this, you will do this as well. So i find myself actively avoiding the doing of both, because the second is something that makes me feel very uncomfortable, physically. i guess it's human nature to do that, though. Avoidance i mean. i feel badly about it, but i honestly can't handle the required thing for very long at a time, and so the part i have a choice about, i will choose to do in short spurts rather than a long time, which is really a pain.

But it is what being a slave is. i absolutely disagree with those who say that if a submissive person doesn't *feel* submissive, then it isn't submission at all. For me, submitting means agreeing to obey another's rules and mandates. Obedience is not always pleasant, or convenient, or enjoyable, or even desired. There are times, like with this new requirement, that i would give anything to be able to avoid it altogether. No, it doesn't make me *feel* submissive to obey. It makes me feel resentful and childish, but what matters is not how i feel....or not to Padrone at least. What matters to him is how i act.

And i am acting in a way that will turn me into a major homebody, but maybe my house will stay cleaner that way, who knows?

But i am being obedient to his rules, all the while i am protecting myself from as much discomfort as possible. That is human nature. If given the choice, then i will choose to not make myself feel the way his requirement makes me feel, physically. Anyone would, i think.

In our chat room the other day there was a discussion that led into the topic of judging others.

Very interesting topic.

i have thought a lot about this for various reasons, and the best way i can think of to describe my thoughts about it is that we all judge one another, but we don't all act judgmental.

Again, it goes back to the idea that how i feel doesn't matter to others as much as how i *act*.

We all judge though. We judge out of a sense of self preservation, out of a need to define "normal" for ourselves, out of a desire to have people in our lives that meet our own needs. We would have no way of knowing who is best in our lives without judging their actions. And we also would not have any way of knowing who is not good to have in our lives without judging their actions as well.

A very pertinent example of this is the fact that you have chosen to read my blog today. Personally i am not sure what anyone gets from my words, but obviously some people enjoy what they read here - it benefits them in some way even if only to entertain them. And i am sure there are people who peek, say "ugh, not for me" and leave quickly. But see...that is a judgement, and the actions they have reflect that judgement.

That is how we all are. We all judge others. We all act on those judgments. But what hurts others is not our judgments, or even necessarily that we act on them. It is when we point out things that we judge about others, in a condescending, hurtful way, that creates pain and a very bad situation. When we act judgmentally, in other words. It isn't judgment, it is judgmentalism, that is a major problem in our world.

For instance, a major chasm-creator is religion. I despise Christian bashing. i find it extremely painful to be judged based not on *my* actions or words but rather lumped into a group because i call myself a Christian, and having rants and judgments directed with much venom towards me because people who have the same faith have acted in a judgmental manner. As a matter of fact, that very action has caused me to quietly choose not to read someone's words. Not because i felt judged, because i know i will always *be* judged, but because they were behaving in as judgmental a fashion as they accused Christians of behaving, and just as they didn't want to feel the judgment of others, so i didn't as well.

That is another problem with being judgmental, in my opinion. Everyone has the right to judge others, it is human nature and there is no way to prevent it. But while we can't control our judging others, we *can* control our actions and reactions because of judgments. The major problem is that so many of us choose *not* to control our actions, blaming them on others as if we are nothing but a bunch of Pavlov's dogs and when someone says or does something we don't like, we have no choice but to react negatively to it.

Bullshit.

I have even raised my kids to know that the only person who you can control, lives inside your own skin. There are times when it takes every OUNCE of that self control in order to behave as we should, that's for sure. And yes, of course, we all fail at times. None of us are perfect, even if we like to give that impression.

And so, if we choose to lose our self control and act in a judgmental manner, we hurt people we know, people we don't know, and also ourselves. Judging is natural, being judgmental is a choice, a very hurtful choice.

Padrone, i have no idea if this post makes sense or not. i am not going to edit this, i am just going to leave my thoughts as they are, rambling and raw.

i love you, Padrone.