not *quite* so boring...

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever learn one of the most basic lessons of life - be careful who you trust. i am usually pretty intuitive, but when i trust, i do so with an unwavering loyalty, which is what i think the real problem is more than who i trust. i am good at seeing things, at hearing things, to make judgement usually pretty sound. i can seem aloof i guess...in some situations, although it's usually just lack of confidence that people really do want to get to know me....but part of it is just...waiting to see if someone is who they say they are, if that makes sense. i really have a problem being objective when i finally do trust someone. i trust implicitly, i guess, and that can create problems.

i'm not working with the "understanding boss" anymore. There are no more promises of promotions or "pie in the sky" titles and such. And that wouldn't be a problem, because the separation is formally a temporary thing (i've been laid off), except apparently she hasn't yet registered with the unemployment division in our state, which means that i am not yet able to file for unemployment benefits.

Well, i *could* even without her being registered, apparently, if i had proof of employment. But our checks were handwritten checks, and even though it is 2 weeks past the federal deadline, she has yet to get w2 forms out. And she has some lame excuse, and is apparently in no hurry to do what is right.

So, i've been burned far more than i ever had before, because i have known this woman for years, literally, and never once dreamed that she would be this type of person.

Which is one reason i have been kind of quiet here, i think. It's really hard to admit when one makes that kind of mistake, and the betrayal has to become deep and absolute for me to lose faith in someone. My own personality trait makes me feel like an absolute fool, frankly, and that's hard to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.

And yes, it has affected our relationship, as bad as i hate to admit *that* too. My confidence has been crushed, and it wasn't that great to begin with (working on it, but just not there yet). i have had all sorts of roller coaster emotions, which have of necessity created situations that are ripe for misunderstandings. It hasn't been *all* my fault, i do know that, because problems never are the fault of one person in a relationship. And we haven't been having "problems", just getting upset over small stuff, and i know i have been projecting all my negative feelings onto Padrone or some such psychobabble as that. But we've worked through it all, and i am feeling my own emotions settle a bit, and i am hopeful of even more settling as time passes. And i know it will happen.

For those who think that "online" relationships are less real, or less...dynamic, i guess is the word i am looking for, then all i have to say is that you don't know my Padrone. He would not take less than real, less than all i have to give. Of *course* there are physical limitations, and i am in no way denying that there will be different ways to express the dynamic when we are together than there can be now. But the way he controls me, and yes it is because i obey him even when he can't enforce it in ways other than...trusting me....but he tells me what to do, not just when he wants to and in ways he prefers, but also in times like this, when i am floundering and feeling as if i am wandering clueless, far away from any anchor of stability...

That is when he shows his strength most of all. i know he takes for granted the ability to look objectively at situations and ask questions, gather information, and make informed decisions. i am not sure he understands just how much i admire that quality, especially when it he calls on it when i need it most. Yes, i can do it with others at times, but i still tend to get too emotionally involved even then. Padrone can simply look at things and oftentimes what he says is so clear, and so right, that i am just like...wow....and i sometimes feel stupid all over again.

And lately i have ... not really blamed him for that, but maybe...been far too sensitive because of the rawness of all the other emotions, and so any negative emotion will naturally be magnified.

But today i feel better. i feel as if i have a plan, as if there are changes coming, positive ones. It may be the spring weather, the renewal, the hope that warmth after frozenness brings. (spring-like, i should say. Even in the deep south spring doesn't usually come to stay in February). It may be because i am seeing hope for a teaching job. Not definite hope but this is the time of year that school districts know if teachers are planning to return or not, and so it's the optimal time of year to apply. i have a plan laid out, thanks to Padrone making me do it (told y'all he has a lot of control), and i am following it, a bit every day, to get my name "out there" in a positive way. i have been substituting some, and i have gotten word out that i want to do more of that.

Today i feel as if it will all work out for me. And frankly, today is the first day that i can honestly say that i really don't care *how* it works out for me. In other words, i have finally realized that any consequences that happen for my ex-boss are things she has brought upon herself through her own choices and actions.

That is a major step for me, for a lot of reasons, but it is such a...freeing point of view. And that, i think, is the bottom line for my raised spirits today.

Well, that, and some amazing use, very intense and very much needed, last night. But that's a totally different, and untold, story. :)

Padrone, i always try to say something personal to you to end my blog post, but the only thing i can say right now is a simple...thank you. i am inexpressibly grateful for you, for your control, for your care, for your love. i can never give back even a measure of what you give to me, although i will try for the rest of my life. i love you, my Padrone.