Tethered

There is a program i use with my phone/computer called tether. It allows me to use my phone as a modem for my computer, and get online using the phone's unlimited data service. It's simple to use, and quite good unless my cell signal stinks which it does to the point of rendering it a useless program at times. All i have to do is plug my phone into my computer's usb port, touch a couple of icons on my phone, click a couple of things on my computer, and voila! Instant connection!

It's faster than dialup, but of course not really practical when it comes to things like downloading windows updates or stuff.

So last night, during my new ritual of waking around 4:30 am and tossing and turning for an hour or so before going back to sleep for a few minutes, i started thinking about our relationship.

And about tethering.

And about another definition of tethering - that of a horse tied to a stake in the ground, giving him freedom of movement, but within definite limits.

And about how i am like that horse, and Padrone is very much my "stake in the ground". And about how strong a stake he is for me, and how grateful i am that he does allow me freedom within limitations.

Even freedom to make mistakes. Even making a fool out of myself. Even trusting the wrong person and being betrayed and taken advantage of. Even when he doesn't really understand why i am upset that he didn't "tighten the rope" just a bit, and not allow the extent of hurt to happen to me that i allowed. Even when it takes a major upset for us to be able to talk it out and work things out once more.

i hate having my trust betrayed, just like everyone else does. But maybe it is a good sign that i actually *trusted* someone enough to *be* betrayed...that is a huge issue for me, to trust to that extent at least. And i had no reason to expect that what i was being told was not true, so i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself, i just feel so incredibly stupid.

But it is as Padrone says, welcome to the club.

Everyone has felt that way before, and knows exactly what i am feeling. We tend to forget the pain of it until it happens to us again, though.

And the results have been a more withdrawn me, even with Padrone. Because of a misunderstanding on my part, and a forced "exposure" of a withdrawn, too-vulnerable me by Padrone, resentment built up and overflowed. It was natural, but i didn't like it one bit, nor did he. And yes, it took a lot of forcing ourselves to look past our own resentment to be able to communicate and move past.

i still feel vulnerable to an extent, but i am staying very close to my "stake in the ground", even though i am vulnerable a bit with him as well. It will get better, since i know where my emotional safe haven is, and with whom, and the walls will crumble quickly and soon, i know.

i am just very, very thankful for a Padrone who is so very caring of me...and allows me to make the mistake of thinking he is superman. He can't see or prevent everything, no matter how much i tend to believe he can because of how insightful he has always been regarding things in my life. i am very, very blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life, so can i really help it if i think that now and then?

i love you, Padrone. Thank you for keeping me tethered to you in no uncertain fashion, with a cord far stronger than any leather could ever be. Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes, and to learn from them, and to learn from your own. Thank you for growing with me, and not expecting the "growing" to be only on my part. i am one incredibly blessed woman, simply because i am *your* woman.