Honesty

i've been thinking lately about honesty.

It takes so many forms, and there are so many ways to express it....and how can someone tell if another person is being truly honest? Why does it matter in an online world anyway?

i guess that, for me, being consistent is the key. i mean, of course there is a bit of playacting in IRC, but for the most part, actions, expectations, respect, and consideration of others will be the same there, even if expressed differently, as it would be rl - for an honest person. Honesty isn't merely refraining from telling lies, or even in telling the truth always. Honesty is in behaviors far more than in words.

Honesty is in having consideration for others. Honesty is in realizing that a far greater world exists beyond the end of one's nose. Honesty is in simply being who one is - Dom, sub, Master, slave, switch - and not for the sole purpose of comment by others. Honesty is in truly respecting others, not in a fake show of respect while arrogantly believing that noone can compare with onesself.

Honesty outside an IRC channel is even more easy to exhibit, and even easier to detect the lack thereof as well. Consistent behavior, true to one's nature, is a form of honest expression. For me, that means finding creative ways to show my submission to Padrone. That doesn't always mean in a scene or by serving sexually. For us, the relationship is based on D/s, and while it has grown into a loving relationship, the D/s is still the foundation of the entire relationship. Alright, let me explain that one, if i can. i am not "merely" a submissive. He is not "merely" a Dom. But for each of us those traits are so strong, so deep, such an inherent part of who each of us is, that finding one who has the matching strenth in their personality ..... is what meets the need to control or submit, fully and completely. We love those who meet needs in us, and that is what Padrone and i have been fortunate enough to find in each other - someone who meets our deepest, our most basic, needs.

For me, the submission is deep, the gratitude inexpressible......i struggle all the time to find ways to please Him and show Him my feelings. But if i gave "lip service" to it, and never actually "did" anything, what would i be? Easy answer - i would be a fake, a liar, and one of those for whom this (D/s) is a roleplaying game. i am no power-hungry submissive, for whom having a good man love me is a feather in my cap. i am slave in every sense of the word. i am most fortunate to have found One who is Master in every sense of the word, and for whom silly games in a relationship are as unattractive as they are to me.

Don't get me wrong. Every relationship comes with humans in the picture. Humans are just that, imperfect fleshly beings who make mistakes and have personalities that are totally unique with each individual. And because the vast majority of us are adult who are reading these words, we each come into relationships with histories and walls, and decisions to make about whether to reveal or lower them. There are "games" if you will, that everyone goes through as relationships develop. i am a little ashamed of some of my actions early in our relationship, actually, but it is through consistency on His part, and a sincere desire to please on my part, that we have reached this place. In other words, the change and growth of our relationship is by two mature adults, not folks caught emotionally in a time warp, where manipulation and "games" are part of relationships. Those things reflect shades of teenage love, as they grow and learn about relationships, that have no place in D/s or in any healthy adult relationship at all. One form of honesty is in maturing, whether one wants to or not.

Since i have accepted responsibility for my actions and words and their effects, and have worked hard to change those that aren't acceptable to Him from very early in our relationship, He knows i am honest in my desire to serve Him, to please and obey Him.

Honesty in our actions, our expectations, our needs, and our desires is the only thing that could have gotten us to this point. Thank You, Padrone.

One year ago today....and today

One year ago today.....

One year ago today i was a girl. i was nervous, i was deeply attracted and already controlled by one who owned another slave. The attraction was mutual, i knew, becuase of how He treated me in channel, as well as privately. i was so concerned about His slave's feelings. i was so concerned that my feelings for this man would cause problems for Him with the one He owned.

One year ago today i had experienced some amazing scenes, quite intimate and focused, very deep, with this man. i was whore, free to scene with whoever i wished to scene with. And i scened with many....but...as i got closer to this man, i became more and more selective, to the point that there were only two that i scened with, and that i spent any time waiting for. Both owned slaves. i felt "safe" to lower my walls with them, believing that it would lead nowhere, and that i could express deep submission without worrying about losing myself. But i knew i was missing what D/s was all about by doing that. i was simply trying to protect myself from more pain, having come through a painful breakup not too long before this time....

One year ago today, there was a compulsion to draw even closer to Him. One year ago today, He must have felt the same. i knew that i would never do more than drop a hint that belonging to Him would be...desirable to me. But i truly never believed that i could ever belong to someone who owned more than one slave. He had never owned more than one slave at a time, and so i never thought anything would come of our relationship, maybe play and then, when it got too deep, a parting of the ways completely. i knew that i could be friends with Him, but....i also knew that, for me, there would always be more.

One year ago today, i was already His, although both of us skirted around it.

One year ago today, during a PM in IRC, He told me that it was difficult for Him to keep His control strictly in scene, that He wanted to extend it into my rl. i wasn't sure exactly what He meant, but His words blasted the walls, releasing a yearning in me that i could neither deny nor control. So help me, owner of another slave or not, painful for her or not, and no matter the consequences for me or for her or for Him....i needed this man's control in my life, and i finally admitted it then. One year ago today.....

i think He has forgiven me for letting emotions control my actions on that day, because.......one year ago today, i....with heart racing and without truly having thought about what i was doing.... asked Franti to exert His control beyond a scene and into my rl.

One year ago today, i became His slave. i began calling Him Master. i had no collar, but i was His. One year ago today He had me ask, three times in the ancient way, for Him to exert His control beyond IRC. One year ago today, i found my home.

Now my submission is His resting place, His mental haven when He needs it. Now His collar adorns my neck, His pride in His only slave is my cloak. He is the man i was searching for, even when i denied searching. He is my Master.

Today my thoughts are with Him during a difficult time. Today i may not see Him or speak with Him, but today, as always, i will strive to give what He needs from me, even if it is silence.

i love You, Padrone. i am Yours.

The Plot Revealed

Well, the surprise is out. Padrone has seen His website, has received His bouquet. For those who might have missed what the Plot was all about, well here is the site i built for Him. Before you look, please know that it is VERY basic, and a bit plain. http://padrone.awardspace.com is the site.

A long time ago, Padrone mentioned that He was working on a section for His own website about the Victorian language of flowers, basically flowers and what they mean. i have always had an interest in that very thing myself, and so it was a natural thing for me to think of giving Him flowers and telling their meanings. As i considered it, i realized that i had no clue what some of the flowers looked like. i also realized that He may not know them, especially by their English names, and so after lots of consideration, i decided to *try* to build a website so that He could "see" the flowers as i gave them to Him.

So i did. i thought i would go slam out of my mind doing it too!

Anyway, now that He knows of it, i can relax again. i am not sure i will try such a big surprise again. Keeping the secret was difficult, especially because i wanted to show Him what i was working on and i couldn't. i wanted to ask Him questions, and i could only do so in the most general of ways. i hated it! And the worst thing was that i found myself thinking of THAT even when we were talking, rather than focusing on Him. Not the *entire* time we talked of course ;). But enough that it bothered me. That is the main reason i didn't wait until our anniversary, as i had originally planned to do.

Since then, i haven't slowed down much. i've had some long days, and He will have some coming up, so when we both have time alone again, it will be AMAZING, i am sure! Of course, today He is a bit busy but i am not, so the hope is that we can have a bit of private time before another busy time.

Some very personal, very deep, things have happened lately, but i am not going to share them. They are a bit *too* personal for that. Every time i think to myself, "We can't get any closer than we are now".....we do. i am so very, very lucky to be owned by such a man.

Grazie, Padrone. Grazie, and my good wishes and prayers are Yours.

Words and their effects

Lately, a few words spoken by Padrone have given me much food for thought, and then He spoke more, and more, and more. So this may be a long post, be warned.

He has told me that one thing He appreciates about me is my gratitude. i am very grateful to Him, and yet the reasons why may be more difficult to explain, without sounding as if i feel that i deserve nothing and He gives me all. It isn't that i don't feel that i deserve anything, it is more that i know where my gifts come from.

He controls me so deeply, see. Everything....pleasure, pain, relief from each...kneeling or lying on my bed...so many physical things He gives or withholds. Emotions, the ability to express my submission without worrying about overwhelming Him...the ability to express my love and my admiration to Him without worrying about running Him off...so many things i am allowed to do with Him that i haven't ever felt free to do.

i have tried to get to the real reason, the bottom line of why i am so grateful, and once i thought it was simply because someone like Him owns me. But it really goes beyond that. i am free with Him. Not free in behavior, not free in words, not free in emotions, but the submission and emotions that are so deep that i have to keep a very tight hold on the expression of them the vast majority of the time, i am free to express to Him.

i am so grateful for His control. i am so grateful that He needs to control as deeply as He does. i am grateful that He allows me to suffer for Him....and when He allows the suffering to end. i am grateful for the tasks, and that He holds me accountable for performing them. i am grateful that He allows me to beg Him, to deepen the need, to accentuate His control. i am grateful that He understands that i need that control deeply and strongly in my life. It is a very real presence, and affects every part of my life, although He doesn't exert control over every part.

And what little i say to express the gratitude doesn't even come close to the way i feel, just as typing these words didn't say a tenth of the thoughts i have been thinking lately. Thank You is never enough, but it is sometimes just the ...... right thing to say.

What else? Well, the things He has been having me to do in channel that are quite difficult for me.....i have wondered why, and when i asked Him, i got a very detailed, very wonderful explanation. (Thank You for that, Padrone. Many Masters wouldn't have tried to explain, especially the way You did.) Those actions have sparked thoughts for me as well. But for once, there was only a couple of flashes of "is He getting bored with me?" and "i'm not pleasing Him enough as i am". i am as surprised as i am sure those of You who know me are, about that one.

i'm really not sure why i haven't obsessed about not being "good enough", except that other things He has said, not only today, but also in the past couple of weeks, have truly changed my perspective. As He told me....i am slave. i am His valued property, His cherished schiava, the one He holds dear in His heart and by His side. i am not only the whore and slut that is seen in channel often. The woman that i am, the total woman, is His. And He is proud of that fact. Who wouldn't feel grateful? Who wouldn't do all in her power to show her submission? Who wouldn't find ways to submit more? And.....who wouldn't love the one who felt that way about her?

Love, trust, respect......the three go hand in hand, and in D/s i would have to add gratitude and communication to that list. If one of those breaks down, then the other pillars of a relationship are weakened. For me...with Padrone...it all comes naturally. Doing the difficult things isn't what i mean....i struggle to force myself to do them sometimes......but i do them. The submission, comes naturally, even if the things i am asked to do doesn't. It never crosses my mind to *not* do them, although it may take time for me to make myself do them.

And what is apparent to all, but which i seldom voice, is that i am very proud to belong to this man. i am honored to be Franti's schiava, His collared slave, His love, His pride....His.

a slave's freedom

There is a line of a song that i love that says "i could lose my hard earned freedom if my fears define my world".

Well, that line made me think. Y'all know by now that my fears control me sometimes, they define my world at times. But when i don't allow them to define my world, what do i have? i have slavery. Slavery....freedom... so is the song wrong, just a feminist misconception, indoctination? Or am i wrong for thinking that what i have with controlled fears is slavery?

The more i thought about it, the more i thought about Padrone's words when we first talked about a blog...that i, of course, don't have total freedom because i am not free, but that i could express things there that i might otherwise never say, as long as i was careful how i worded things. So which is it? Freedom or slavery? Or that old cliche, freedom *in* slavery?

Freedom to make choices, regarding my own actions and/or words, regarding every aspect of my life, is a freedom that i don't want to have. i do recognize that it is, indeed, a form of freedom. But by being His schiava, He allows me the freedom to simply be. i still make choices, even as basic as whether to follow instructions or not (well, not anymore, but theoretically....work with me here....lol) i choose whether or not to do the things i know He wants me to do, assigned tasks or just things that i know would please Him. But in reality,t here is freedom from choice even, because of who i am.

He allows me to be the person i am, with no reservations and no hiding. He thrives on the depth of my submission and gratitude, and the need i have to express them. i have never been with anyone for whom that kind of thing didn't become too draining, for whom i didn't become "too" needy. i have never had the freedom to stop thinking about how *much* i expressed, and merely think about how *to* express. He wants my total submission, as much as i need to give it, and give and give and give. It is only when i lose the fears that i can fully be free to submit without worrying about.....how, what, when, how much.....offending......pushing away.....

He wants what i offer, and more. That is true freedom, for me.

warning, may contain mushiness

Well, lately i've been a scatterbrained, silly, schiava. i've been trying to do too much, and i have allowed my focus to shift from what is VITAL in my life, to those important things which aren't necessarily .... well, necessary. It's been a process to relearn, and there are reasons why, but mainly it is because i had convinced myself (in the not-so-distant past) of some things that really aren't true. One thing i have learned is that, once i convince myself of something, especially if it is negative about myself, then it is FAR more difficult to convince myself otherwise than it was to convince myself of it in the first place. If you can follow that line of thinking, you get a gold star!

Basically, i decided i wasn't "worthy" of something, and because of that, i was experiencing some rather negative emotions, and fearing things, and if it weren't for my Padrone's patience and care and concern, i would be an even worse basket case than i became. The thing is....He sees me so very differently than i see myself, that He has no idea where my fears stem from. And even without understanding them, He accepts that they are, that they are real, that they may be silly but that they are traumatic for me... how truly incredible is that, y'all?

And His main concern was something that almost happened - i was focusing on the wrong things. But to regain that focus took more than me being told to, and He somehow understood that. He gave me what i needed, even though even *i* didn't (and still don't) know what that was. The most generous gift He gave me? Time to work through it. All the time i needed, as a matter of fact. i have known many Doms, both rl and online. i have known many who called themselves "Master" and who others call "Master". Never, EVER, have i met one with so much patience, especially one who combines the patience with.... everything else that i, as a slave, need in a Master. It's hard to explain, but He has what i consider a very unique combination of qualities, some a bit diverse. i mean, He can be quite demanding when it is something He wants. On the other hand, He weighs my words, even if i say "may i please be excused because...." to something He wants. He can set a limit of when i may call Him, but yet wait for days for emotions to settle into where they need to be. He can laugh and tease one moment, and yet if i say something out of line, the teasing stops until i realize what i said or did that was inappropriate. So many things, such an interesting, diverse, Master that owns this very lucky schiava.

Is it any wonder that i love this man.....mio meraviglioso Padrone.....my wonderful Padrone.

Exposure and Vulnerability

The downside of exposing so much of my emotions, whether here, or to Padrone privately, or in channel, or even in PM with others is, you guessed it, the vulnerability that is a necessary result of it. i know that opening myself this way reveals more than i intend to, that is something i have never truly understood, but which i know happens. Right now i don't like feeling that way. i don't like wondering what i have revealed to others. i don't like knowing that my weaknesses are so exposed.

And yes, i realize that i just exposed yet another weakness. But i am forcing myself to be honest in this blog, even if honesty does not include total disclosure. i won't tell certain things about me, or about Padrone, or about our relationship. But i'm not all "happy, bouncy, and blindly in love" either. What i mean is, i made a choice to talk about all of this relationship, and not just the "good" parts. The bad things always come from me and my perceptions, this i can state up front....or they have so far anyway. The good things come from both of us i know, i know i am not all bad, and He is not all good. But i also know that the troubles all come from my behaviors or my emotions. He is steady as a rock, He is my rock so much of the time. It's when i let go of that, that the emotions go haywire.

So why am i talking about this right now? i'm not sure, except that i do feel very vulnerable at the moment. i feel weak, and it's not that i am not confident, it is more.......that i tend to "wonder" always, and worry as a result of the wondering. What do i wonder about? Well, that falls into the *too private to reveal* category, sorry.

Feeling vulnerable changes things, you know. It changes how we view ourselves and others. It, by its very nature, decreases our feelings of security. We trust, but maybe not in everything we once did. For instance, if someone broke into your home while you were gone, when you walked in the next time, you would feel very vulnerable. Your common sense would tell you that you are safe, but your vulnerable emotions would not listen to your common sense. Hence, you would trust that someone wouldn't come into your home when you were there, maybe, but you would check the locks more than once before going to bed. You might feel safer with a friend spending the night, you would trust the friend to keep you safe, even though logically you *still* know the person wouldn't come back, especially when you were home .... even if home alone. You wouldn't trust your own ability to keep yourself safe. So vulnerability affect us in ways we don't always understand, or maybe not even see immediately, but almost always there is a sense of distrust associated with it, even if it isn't logical.

But if we don't allow ourselves to become vulnerable, if we keep walls up, if we never risk our sense of security by exposure, even of the negative things........then there is also never room for growth in a relationship, or in ourselves. So, during the times when i expose myself more, and become more vulnerable, because of the type of person i am, i will see things and make big things out of small ones, mountains out of molehills. (i don't think i have ever actually *seen* a molehill. Aren't they pretty big themselves, though? Maybe only under the surface, which is just as important as what is actually seen. A man must have made up that statement - lol) When i am vulnerable, my instinct is to protect myself with defensiveness and to close myself off again. And yes, i too have my behavioral defense mechanisms that are triggered when vulnerable. i'm fairly good at recognizing them, though, even if i have trouble controlling them most of the time.

Right now, my instinct is saying to hide for a bit, to protect myself from the thoughts and wonderings and worries, but......#1, i would never be allowed to do that, and #2, it's probably not the right thing to do anyway. i just know it is instinct, and that is a very powerful motivating factor, and something that i sometimes can't control (blushing as i remember calling when told not to, being pushy because i knew it was the right thing to do........trusting my instinct - it happened to be the right instinct in that).

Sometimes i just think WAY too much.

Btw, if y'all happen to see Marquis de Sade, tell Him Happy Birthday! (yes, i was joking, about seeing Him at least).

short and sweet

The past couple of days have been incredible. Padrone has been.....even more wonderful than usual, and i feel such pride in being His, i can't even express it. i have been given many "glittering jewels", both publicly and privately, and they are so precious to me....they fit the crown of ownership perfectly. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

For those of you who see me in channel, the news that i am plotting and planning, along with several of the other subs and slaves there, is not news at all..lol. It's all good, and i am grateful for the trust and patience (even though He is quite curious) of my Padrone. He knows, of course, that i am keeping a secret. But He knows that it is a good one, and actually i'm quite able to talk about things with Him without particulars, and He is patient with that too. This will calm as everyone gets settled into it, and it won't be a big deal anymore for a while. But for now, it's fun....lol!

Today's entry will be short, due to things going on rl. i will try to add more later, but i don't want anyone to think i have forgotten this. i think it is fun, and from the feedback, y'all seem to enjoy it too.

i will type more later, y'all.

*kisses to the One i live to serve*