Tuesday, June 06, 2006

warning, may contain mushiness

Well, lately i've been a scatterbrained, silly, schiava. i've been trying to do too much, and i have allowed my focus to shift from what is VITAL in my life, to those important things which aren't necessarily .... well, necessary. It's been a process to relearn, and there are reasons why, but mainly it is because i had convinced myself (in the not-so-distant past) of some things that really aren't true. One thing i have learned is that, once i convince myself of something, especially if it is negative about myself, then it is FAR more difficult to convince myself otherwise than it was to convince myself of it in the first place. If you can follow that line of thinking, you get a gold star!

Basically, i decided i wasn't "worthy" of something, and because of that, i was experiencing some rather negative emotions, and fearing things, and if it weren't for my Padrone's patience and care and concern, i would be an even worse basket case than i became. The thing is....He sees me so very differently than i see myself, that He has no idea where my fears stem from. And even without understanding them, He accepts that they are, that they are real, that they may be silly but that they are traumatic for me... how truly incredible is that, y'all?

And His main concern was something that almost happened - i was focusing on the wrong things. But to regain that focus took more than me being told to, and He somehow understood that. He gave me what i needed, even though even *i* didn't (and still don't) know what that was. The most generous gift He gave me? Time to work through it. All the time i needed, as a matter of fact. i have known many Doms, both rl and online. i have known many who called themselves "Master" and who others call "Master". Never, EVER, have i met one with so much patience, especially one who combines the patience with.... everything else that i, as a slave, need in a Master. It's hard to explain, but He has what i consider a very unique combination of qualities, some a bit diverse. i mean, He can be quite demanding when it is something He wants. On the other hand, He weighs my words, even if i say "may i please be excused because...." to something He wants. He can set a limit of when i may call Him, but yet wait for days for emotions to settle into where they need to be. He can laugh and tease one moment, and yet if i say something out of line, the teasing stops until i realize what i said or did that was inappropriate. So many things, such an interesting, diverse, Master that owns this very lucky schiava.

Is it any wonder that i love this man.....mio meraviglioso Padrone.....my wonderful Padrone.

No comments: