Lately, a few words spoken by Padrone have given me much food for thought, and then He spoke more, and more, and more. So this may be a long post, be warned.
He has told me that one thing He appreciates about me is my gratitude. i am very grateful to Him, and yet the reasons why may be more difficult to explain, without sounding as if i feel that i deserve nothing and He gives me all. It isn't that i don't feel that i deserve anything, it is more that i know where my gifts come from.
He controls me so deeply, see. Everything....pleasure, pain, relief from each...kneeling or lying on my bed...so many physical things He gives or withholds. Emotions, the ability to express my submission without worrying about overwhelming Him...the ability to express my love and my admiration to Him without worrying about running Him off...so many things i am allowed to do with Him that i haven't ever felt free to do.
i have tried to get to the real reason, the bottom line of why i am so grateful, and once i thought it was simply because someone like Him owns me. But it really goes beyond that. i am free with Him. Not free in behavior, not free in words, not free in emotions, but the submission and emotions that are so deep that i have to keep a very tight hold on the expression of them the vast majority of the time, i am free to express to Him.
i am so grateful for His control. i am so grateful that He needs to control as deeply as He does. i am grateful that He allows me to suffer for Him....and when He allows the suffering to end. i am grateful for the tasks, and that He holds me accountable for performing them. i am grateful that He allows me to beg Him, to deepen the need, to accentuate His control. i am grateful that He understands that i need that control deeply and strongly in my life. It is a very real presence, and affects every part of my life, although He doesn't exert control over every part.
And what little i say to express the gratitude doesn't even come close to the way i feel, just as typing these words didn't say a tenth of the thoughts i have been thinking lately. Thank You is never enough, but it is sometimes just the ...... right thing to say.
What else? Well, the things He has been having me to do in channel that are quite difficult for me.....i have wondered why, and when i asked Him, i got a very detailed, very wonderful explanation. (Thank You for that, Padrone. Many Masters wouldn't have tried to explain, especially the way You did.) Those actions have sparked thoughts for me as well. But for once, there was only a couple of flashes of "is He getting bored with me?" and "i'm not pleasing Him enough as i am". i am as surprised as i am sure those of You who know me are, about that one.
i'm really not sure why i haven't obsessed about not being "good enough", except that other things He has said, not only today, but also in the past couple of weeks, have truly changed my perspective. As He told me....i am slave. i am His valued property, His cherished schiava, the one He holds dear in His heart and by His side. i am not only the whore and slut that is seen in channel often. The woman that i am, the total woman, is His. And He is proud of that fact. Who wouldn't feel grateful? Who wouldn't do all in her power to show her submission? Who wouldn't find ways to submit more? And.....who wouldn't love the one who felt that way about her?
Love, trust, respect......the three go hand in hand, and in D/s i would have to add gratitude and communication to that list. If one of those breaks down, then the other pillars of a relationship are weakened. For me...with Padrone...it all comes naturally. Doing the difficult things isn't what i mean....i struggle to force myself to do them sometimes......but i do them. The submission, comes naturally, even if the things i am asked to do doesn't. It never crosses my mind to *not* do them, although it may take time for me to make myself do them.
And what is apparent to all, but which i seldom voice, is that i am very proud to belong to this man. i am honored to be Franti's schiava, His collared slave, His love, His pride....His.
No comments:
Post a Comment