Friday, June 02, 2006

Exposure and Vulnerability

The downside of exposing so much of my emotions, whether here, or to Padrone privately, or in channel, or even in PM with others is, you guessed it, the vulnerability that is a necessary result of it. i know that opening myself this way reveals more than i intend to, that is something i have never truly understood, but which i know happens. Right now i don't like feeling that way. i don't like wondering what i have revealed to others. i don't like knowing that my weaknesses are so exposed.

And yes, i realize that i just exposed yet another weakness. But i am forcing myself to be honest in this blog, even if honesty does not include total disclosure. i won't tell certain things about me, or about Padrone, or about our relationship. But i'm not all "happy, bouncy, and blindly in love" either. What i mean is, i made a choice to talk about all of this relationship, and not just the "good" parts. The bad things always come from me and my perceptions, this i can state up front....or they have so far anyway. The good things come from both of us i know, i know i am not all bad, and He is not all good. But i also know that the troubles all come from my behaviors or my emotions. He is steady as a rock, He is my rock so much of the time. It's when i let go of that, that the emotions go haywire.

So why am i talking about this right now? i'm not sure, except that i do feel very vulnerable at the moment. i feel weak, and it's not that i am not confident, it is more.......that i tend to "wonder" always, and worry as a result of the wondering. What do i wonder about? Well, that falls into the *too private to reveal* category, sorry.

Feeling vulnerable changes things, you know. It changes how we view ourselves and others. It, by its very nature, decreases our feelings of security. We trust, but maybe not in everything we once did. For instance, if someone broke into your home while you were gone, when you walked in the next time, you would feel very vulnerable. Your common sense would tell you that you are safe, but your vulnerable emotions would not listen to your common sense. Hence, you would trust that someone wouldn't come into your home when you were there, maybe, but you would check the locks more than once before going to bed. You might feel safer with a friend spending the night, you would trust the friend to keep you safe, even though logically you *still* know the person wouldn't come back, especially when you were home .... even if home alone. You wouldn't trust your own ability to keep yourself safe. So vulnerability affect us in ways we don't always understand, or maybe not even see immediately, but almost always there is a sense of distrust associated with it, even if it isn't logical.

But if we don't allow ourselves to become vulnerable, if we keep walls up, if we never risk our sense of security by exposure, even of the negative things........then there is also never room for growth in a relationship, or in ourselves. So, during the times when i expose myself more, and become more vulnerable, because of the type of person i am, i will see things and make big things out of small ones, mountains out of molehills. (i don't think i have ever actually *seen* a molehill. Aren't they pretty big themselves, though? Maybe only under the surface, which is just as important as what is actually seen. A man must have made up that statement - lol) When i am vulnerable, my instinct is to protect myself with defensiveness and to close myself off again. And yes, i too have my behavioral defense mechanisms that are triggered when vulnerable. i'm fairly good at recognizing them, though, even if i have trouble controlling them most of the time.

Right now, my instinct is saying to hide for a bit, to protect myself from the thoughts and wonderings and worries, but......#1, i would never be allowed to do that, and #2, it's probably not the right thing to do anyway. i just know it is instinct, and that is a very powerful motivating factor, and something that i sometimes can't control (blushing as i remember calling when told not to, being pushy because i knew it was the right thing to do........trusting my instinct - it happened to be the right instinct in that).

Sometimes i just think WAY too much.

Btw, if y'all happen to see Marquis de Sade, tell Him Happy Birthday! (yes, i was joking, about seeing Him at least).

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