For my Padrone:
my Master ....... this is my attempt to relate who You are, who You are to me, and what it means to have You as my Master.
Authority. There can be no relationship between Master and slave without it. You know that You have the authority to do in my life as You wish. i am grateful that You use that authority wisely.
Beacon. You may not realize just how much influence You have on my thought patterns daily, Padrone. i use the things You have taught me, and even the thoughts of how i *think* You may react, to help me control my own errant thoughts and tongue.
Comforter. How many times have i sobbed on Your shoulder, and heard Your soft......sshhhhh......shhhh.....Your silence, just letting me cry....not hurrying or pushing me to "calm down".....even when You didn't understand what i was upset about....
Dominant. Does this one go without saying? Maybe it does, but it won't here. You have a real sense of what it takes to be a Dominant, Padrone. You don't pretend or put on airs....You just *are* Dominant.
Ear. Alright, this is an "American-ism" maybe, but it means that You are a listener. When i think of all the problems You have listened to, from my kids to my past and most anything in between, without trying to tell me how to "fix" things unless i ask...i am amazed, and a bit ashamed for 'dumping' on You like that, but.....it is part of my life, and You want to know my life.
Forgiving. This one truly does go without saying. i am humbled and relieved that You forgive so thoroughly. So blessed.
Guide. Life itself is a journey, and things we talk about, even in general conversation, make me look to Your example, Your philosophy, Your outlook on life, and many times they shape my thinking and actions. Even if it isn't an intentional 'teaching moment' on Your part, often Your words influence my choices.
Hand. This sounds strange, but i feel held by You, and the symbolism for being held is a hand. Your hand would also bring much needed pain and pleasure, it relates pride and love in gentle caresses and stroking my hair.
Influence. In all areas of my life, from my online experiences to where i sit in my home, You have influenced me, shaped me.
Jeweler. So many jewels i carry in my crown of ownership now, Padrone. You seem to know when to give them, although i know it is when You want to give them....they seem to come at just the right time, from my perspective.
Kind. This one may burst someone's bubble about You, Padrone, although Your kindness truly is no secret. i love how You kept it protected for a while, until You knew that i would not see Your kindness as a weakness. i see it as a strength in You, and in our relationship.
Lover. *no words needed, just remembering.....and anticipating.....*
Motivator. You motivate with positives, not with negatives, meeting a need deep within me. i have always been more motivated by fear of punishment, but with You....there is knowledge of punishment when needed, but no fear of it. Finally.
Natural. You are Dominant. You have nothing to prove, and You simply act as who You are. It is beautiful.
Optimistic. A perfect balance to my "glass half-empty" mentality, Padrone, although You aren't unrealistic in Your optimism. It is more a case of looking at the forest rather than the trees. You are teaching me that, whether You mean to or not. The mindset of a lifetime is difficult to change, and i am a slow student in this i am afraid. But You never seem to lose hope that i will learn eventually.
Pride. Yes, You are proud to own me, and Your pride in Yourself as well as Your slave is a very integral, and attractive, part of You.
Quiet. Alright, You say little much of the time in channel. And i do most of the talking during most of our phone conversations. And even in PM there are a lot more of my words most of the time than Yours. But i'm talking about something else entirely, and You know what i mean now, i am sure.
Remarkable. What a perfect adjective to describe my Padrone. It sums up all of the things i try to say, into one concise word.
Stable. Maybe not the most romantic thing to say, but Your stability is one of the things i have held fast to, when things have been traumatic in the past. It is one thing i value most about You. But, on the other hand, Surprising is another delightful trait that i love and treasure.
Tempting, Teasing, Tantalizing, Torturer, Tormentor. Need i say more?
Understanding. With someone who has as much baggage as i do, this trait is absolutely a must. You have it in great quantities, and You try hard to understand so that You can own me better, and so that future misunderstandings can be avoided.
Virile. Again, need i say more? But Vigilant would be another - Your vigilance is what helped You learn to trust me, and it is also what caused the event that changed our relationship for the better.
Wicked. *drool*
Xcellence. (So i cheated. But *you* try to think of an X word that fits here.) Padrone, i think Your high standards for both behavior and obedience attracted me to You from the beginning. To me, that is what it is about, as our behavior reflects on each other. i love making You proud.
Yearning. This is my own attribute, but i think it fits You at times as well. i know there are times when You wish for more than what is there, that is one reason for new requirements and new tasks. There is a yearning to express control in my life in deeper, or varied ways. i am glad, since it is a mirror image of my own deep yearning for Your control.
Zeal. This word is a bit strong, but i think it fits to a degree. You are deeply and passionately commited to me, and to our relationship, and You work to strengthen and protect it with great diligence, just as i do. So while zeal is a bit strong, i think it is not really inappropriate to use to describe You.
Well, this has been a lighthearted, yet sincere, attempt to relate many things, the most basic and inclusive of which is merely how much i love You, my Padrone.
Happy Anniversary.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Just a few random thoughts
It's been several days since i have typed here, things happening in my life have prevented it, and also i only type when there is something to type about.
i typed some thoughts in an email to Padrone last night, that have been on my mind lately. There are more of course, but i think i will type about them right now.
First, something i heard yesterday morning kind of summed up some thoughts that i have been having often lately, but which i wasn't able to really put into words. The statement that i heard was in relation to something else entirely, but it basically was something to the effect of "If we open the door just a crack, it gets easier and easier to open it wider and wider until it is all the way open and we wonder how it got that way."
What does that have to do with anything i might write about here? Well, actually, quite a bit. In terms of a long distance relationship of any sort, much less a D/s one, any "door" that we allow to open, even a crack, must be one that will allow positive things into the relationship. No matter how tempting, or how harmless something can seem, if it is wrong or detrimental to the relationship, then it MUST be kept out. That is far easier said than done, and many times it seems that a *person* is shut out rather than the affect that interaction with Him/her might have on a relationship.
That sounds a bit confusing, i know. But the bottom line is that there are folks "out there" who will try to influence a relationship in a negative way. i have had folks hint about things regarding Padrone. i have had them outright say things about Him, as if i don't know Him at all. i have had folks "wonder" things in my PM. And i am sure He has heard the same about me. And yes, if that particular door, listening to others rather than to *each* other, were opened even a crack, it would come crashing in and the relationship would be put in severe jeopardy if not ruined completely.
Other doors that should be kept firmly shut are those of negative thinking. This, as y'all may know already, is one i struggle with at times. No, i am not saying one should be eternally optimistic and never see anything other than positive things. That is stupidity rather than reality. But what i am saying is.....to try to keep all things in perspective. Hold on to what you *know* to be true.....or maybe you don't really *know* it. (another thought for another time) Here's an example from my recent past:
i have noticed Padrone commenting about other girls lately. He has rarely done that publicly in my presence, so it is something i am adjusting to. Because of things happening where i live, i am a bit more on the negative side than the positive side in my thinking, and so i not only picked up on His words, but i began to worry about them. i proudly say "began" because i successfully stopped myself from making a mountain out of...well, not even a molehill.....because i remembered words that He had told me recently, and that i accepted as truth when He said them. If they were true a few days ago, why wouldn't they be true today? And so, again, the trust becomes more deeply and firmly rooted. (btw, i am not saying i won't ever feel jealous again, just that i successfully pulled that stinking weed from the fertile soil of my imagination, that's all.)
What does all that indicate, in terms of my emotional state? It indicates that i am feeling, as i told Him via email last night, more and more emotionally safe being His.
To talk about that, i need to discuss, very briefly, my D/s history, and a couple of statements about my non-D/s history. i, like so many submissives, have trust issues when it comes to emotions. So many of us have been hurt because we trust and submit too easily (even in vanilla relationships, i was always submissive and trusted that i would be respected). That led me to build huge walls, so typical. Anyway, with my first Dom, i was totally blown away by the emotions of submission, as well as the acts. It was a huge rush, and i fell madly in love....with submission. When that relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly, i was very much like a fish out of water, flopping, feeling as if i was strangling, dying from lack of "air" - the emotion of submission that i felt so deeply via expression. There was a time of searching for the same kind of satisfying expression i had with that Dom, but i couldn't find it. All the while, i had a friend who was a constant in my life....a Dom friend who owned another submissive. He was supportive when i needed him to be, he was firm with me when i needed that. And i fell in love with him, although i never told him so, until well after his relationship with his other submissive had ended, at least.....lol.
We met a few times - it was also a long distance relationship, but we were in the same geographic region of the same country. After one of our meetings, we revealed our feelings for one another and began a D/s relationship that lasted for 2 years or so. Maybe not that long. Anyway, that's not important. The important thing is that he helped me learn to trust again. We had known each other for years before becoming Master and submissive, and i did trust him on a certain level, more than i trusted anyone. It grew deeper of course, as we grew closer.
i said all that to say this. What i had with that man was totally superficial, even the trust. i never would have admitted it until recently, because i am loyal to a fault and i truly didn't want to change my opinion of what we had. It hasn't changed, because it was precisely what i needed then, what HE needed then, and it ended when it needed to end. But it was nothing, literally nothing, compared to what Padrone and i have.
Padrone needs to control my life as much as He can.....the areas He chooses to control anyway. He needs to know that i not only am always available, but that i am usually also eager for His use. He does want to use me, and not just scene or play. Padrone isn't hesitant to let me know that i am here for His pleasure, and that my pleasure is His to allow or not....i am not "owed" any pleasure, have no "right" to pleasure. All of that kind of thing is His.
He needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His. Of course He values my mind, my thoughts, my opinions - i am not a robot, or what i used to say "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. He wishes to control my thoughts - not what they are, but *where* they are - as much as He possibly can. This is new to me, and so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. And it is in stark contrast to anything i have ever experienced before. That is why i say that all other relationships have been superficial at best. This, my friends, is what a real D/s relationship is.
Total commitment on both sides, to fulfill the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. Being as submissive as He is Dominant. And vice versa.
i am Your schiava, totally and fully surrendered. You are my Padrone, commited and fully controlling. Thank You, my Owner.
i typed some thoughts in an email to Padrone last night, that have been on my mind lately. There are more of course, but i think i will type about them right now.
First, something i heard yesterday morning kind of summed up some thoughts that i have been having often lately, but which i wasn't able to really put into words. The statement that i heard was in relation to something else entirely, but it basically was something to the effect of "If we open the door just a crack, it gets easier and easier to open it wider and wider until it is all the way open and we wonder how it got that way."
What does that have to do with anything i might write about here? Well, actually, quite a bit. In terms of a long distance relationship of any sort, much less a D/s one, any "door" that we allow to open, even a crack, must be one that will allow positive things into the relationship. No matter how tempting, or how harmless something can seem, if it is wrong or detrimental to the relationship, then it MUST be kept out. That is far easier said than done, and many times it seems that a *person* is shut out rather than the affect that interaction with Him/her might have on a relationship.
That sounds a bit confusing, i know. But the bottom line is that there are folks "out there" who will try to influence a relationship in a negative way. i have had folks hint about things regarding Padrone. i have had them outright say things about Him, as if i don't know Him at all. i have had folks "wonder" things in my PM. And i am sure He has heard the same about me. And yes, if that particular door, listening to others rather than to *each* other, were opened even a crack, it would come crashing in and the relationship would be put in severe jeopardy if not ruined completely.
Other doors that should be kept firmly shut are those of negative thinking. This, as y'all may know already, is one i struggle with at times. No, i am not saying one should be eternally optimistic and never see anything other than positive things. That is stupidity rather than reality. But what i am saying is.....to try to keep all things in perspective. Hold on to what you *know* to be true.....or maybe you don't really *know* it. (another thought for another time) Here's an example from my recent past:
i have noticed Padrone commenting about other girls lately. He has rarely done that publicly in my presence, so it is something i am adjusting to. Because of things happening where i live, i am a bit more on the negative side than the positive side in my thinking, and so i not only picked up on His words, but i began to worry about them. i proudly say "began" because i successfully stopped myself from making a mountain out of...well, not even a molehill.....because i remembered words that He had told me recently, and that i accepted as truth when He said them. If they were true a few days ago, why wouldn't they be true today? And so, again, the trust becomes more deeply and firmly rooted. (btw, i am not saying i won't ever feel jealous again, just that i successfully pulled that stinking weed from the fertile soil of my imagination, that's all.)
What does all that indicate, in terms of my emotional state? It indicates that i am feeling, as i told Him via email last night, more and more emotionally safe being His.
To talk about that, i need to discuss, very briefly, my D/s history, and a couple of statements about my non-D/s history. i, like so many submissives, have trust issues when it comes to emotions. So many of us have been hurt because we trust and submit too easily (even in vanilla relationships, i was always submissive and trusted that i would be respected). That led me to build huge walls, so typical. Anyway, with my first Dom, i was totally blown away by the emotions of submission, as well as the acts. It was a huge rush, and i fell madly in love....with submission. When that relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly, i was very much like a fish out of water, flopping, feeling as if i was strangling, dying from lack of "air" - the emotion of submission that i felt so deeply via expression. There was a time of searching for the same kind of satisfying expression i had with that Dom, but i couldn't find it. All the while, i had a friend who was a constant in my life....a Dom friend who owned another submissive. He was supportive when i needed him to be, he was firm with me when i needed that. And i fell in love with him, although i never told him so, until well after his relationship with his other submissive had ended, at least.....lol.
We met a few times - it was also a long distance relationship, but we were in the same geographic region of the same country. After one of our meetings, we revealed our feelings for one another and began a D/s relationship that lasted for 2 years or so. Maybe not that long. Anyway, that's not important. The important thing is that he helped me learn to trust again. We had known each other for years before becoming Master and submissive, and i did trust him on a certain level, more than i trusted anyone. It grew deeper of course, as we grew closer.
i said all that to say this. What i had with that man was totally superficial, even the trust. i never would have admitted it until recently, because i am loyal to a fault and i truly didn't want to change my opinion of what we had. It hasn't changed, because it was precisely what i needed then, what HE needed then, and it ended when it needed to end. But it was nothing, literally nothing, compared to what Padrone and i have.
Padrone needs to control my life as much as He can.....the areas He chooses to control anyway. He needs to know that i not only am always available, but that i am usually also eager for His use. He does want to use me, and not just scene or play. Padrone isn't hesitant to let me know that i am here for His pleasure, and that my pleasure is His to allow or not....i am not "owed" any pleasure, have no "right" to pleasure. All of that kind of thing is His.
He needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His. Of course He values my mind, my thoughts, my opinions - i am not a robot, or what i used to say "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. He wishes to control my thoughts - not what they are, but *where* they are - as much as He possibly can. This is new to me, and so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. And it is in stark contrast to anything i have ever experienced before. That is why i say that all other relationships have been superficial at best. This, my friends, is what a real D/s relationship is.
Total commitment on both sides, to fulfill the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. Being as submissive as He is Dominant. And vice versa.
i am Your schiava, totally and fully surrendered. You are my Padrone, commited and fully controlling. Thank You, my Owner.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
kind of deep and a bit personal
i've been thinking more about the change that happened, that allowed me to.....what? have my hopes fulfilled? Probably, although that's not really what i mean to say - it will suffice however.
The key to that change was in trusting Him, but i really didn't trust Him when i first changed my behavior. i truly thought, consciously, "i am so tired of protecting myself from being hurt." i guess i decided to place that responsibility squarely on Padrone's shoulders. i wasn't sure if i should or not. i knew that i had been wanting to for quite some time, but i didn't know if.....well if He would accept it, or if He would tell me that my emotions were my own responsibility. i didn't know Him as well then, and i was a lot more hesitant and timid when it came to being His then. i didn't want to burden Him with that responsibility, my emotional safety. i wasn't sure He *wanted* that burden, and all that it entailed. So in a way there was an element of "You asked for it, You got it!" but not at the moment of change......rather when i would ponder and daydream of being free to totally submit to Him.
One night i just "snapped" i guess. The control that i had held so tightly, over my emotions, my need, my yearning to belong fully to Him.....He brushed it aside easily on that infamous evening that i have mentioned so many times. i resisted Him even then, in the beginning. It was not sexual. It was pure D/s. He told me over and over......i own you.....i own you.....i control you...you are MINE. i was crying, i didn't want to give Him what He needed from me. To do so would mean accepting things i wasn't sure i could accept. It meant letting go of things that justified my selfishness. It meant exposing the emotions that i was protecting so voraciously. It meant trusting this Man, who had yet to expose Himself deeply, with my heart. It meant turning the corner from being hurt if He released me, to being devastated if it happened. i didn't think i was strong enough to bear that kind of vulnerable exposure. i resisted Him....out of fear....
If i let go of all of the self-protective defense mechanisms that were so deeply entrenched, what would happen? Who would i become? Would i become a doormat, a "yes girl"? If i gave in to the need that i knew He could fill, and gave the control He wished to have over me, then what kind of person would i be? Who was *really* underneath the exterior that i only let a few even peek beyond? Was a *truly* submissive, or was it all a game......where when it was easy, i would submit, when it was more difficult, i would find excuses? i knew, even that night, that if i let that last wall even crack, that it would be irrevocable, no matter what was behind it.
It's strange. i just this moment realized that i never truly knew who i was, how deep my submission went, until Padrone. i had served Masters rl, online, on phone......and some had asked some difficult things. But none needed for there to be no walls, no barriers. None needed so much of me, and so there was no need to find out what was behind them. That is why i was so fearful. No matter *what* i suspected, that part of me had never been exposed, been tried, been tested.
Even though i was almost immobilized by the fear, which i think is natural before any life changing, person changing, event.....i chose.
What i chose to do was something He had been teaching me, even if He didn't realize that it was what He was teaching me. i took His lesson and expounded on it, actually. But He had been teaching me that no matter what the emotions were that i felt, it was my actions that were judged. So what i chose to do was to BEHAVE as if i trusted Him, to behave as if He controlled me as fully as ...... i wished He could, but without all the pain of vulnerability. i chose to behave as if i could be the one He needed. But what happened in reality was no mere behavior at all.
By making that choice, i chose to open my heart and mind to Him, because what i hadn't understood from the lessons were that when one acts as if one trusts.....or believes......or respects.....or loves....or honors......or cherishes......then one tends to plant seeds of those things. For me, it wasn't planting seeds. i already trusted Him, i just was too scared to admit it until that moment.
i remember that moment so clearly. i just moaned with almost a sense of helplessness, and i heard His answering soft sound of acknowledgement. The wall crashed as i stopped pushing to hold it up. And the most amazing thing began that night. i started the real journey into becoming His woman, rather than a girl to Him. i accepted what He offered, although i had no idea what it was. i offered my all, and........i trusted that He would hold my emotions in a safe place. i trusted that......showing my deep feelings for Him would not......run Him off.
That trust is so very well placed. The changes have been remarkable, dramatic, and natural. But the contentment and peace that flows through my being stems from the simple fact that......i am His. i am simply His.
The key to that change was in trusting Him, but i really didn't trust Him when i first changed my behavior. i truly thought, consciously, "i am so tired of protecting myself from being hurt." i guess i decided to place that responsibility squarely on Padrone's shoulders. i wasn't sure if i should or not. i knew that i had been wanting to for quite some time, but i didn't know if.....well if He would accept it, or if He would tell me that my emotions were my own responsibility. i didn't know Him as well then, and i was a lot more hesitant and timid when it came to being His then. i didn't want to burden Him with that responsibility, my emotional safety. i wasn't sure He *wanted* that burden, and all that it entailed. So in a way there was an element of "You asked for it, You got it!" but not at the moment of change......rather when i would ponder and daydream of being free to totally submit to Him.
One night i just "snapped" i guess. The control that i had held so tightly, over my emotions, my need, my yearning to belong fully to Him.....He brushed it aside easily on that infamous evening that i have mentioned so many times. i resisted Him even then, in the beginning. It was not sexual. It was pure D/s. He told me over and over......i own you.....i own you.....i control you...you are MINE. i was crying, i didn't want to give Him what He needed from me. To do so would mean accepting things i wasn't sure i could accept. It meant letting go of things that justified my selfishness. It meant exposing the emotions that i was protecting so voraciously. It meant trusting this Man, who had yet to expose Himself deeply, with my heart. It meant turning the corner from being hurt if He released me, to being devastated if it happened. i didn't think i was strong enough to bear that kind of vulnerable exposure. i resisted Him....out of fear....
If i let go of all of the self-protective defense mechanisms that were so deeply entrenched, what would happen? Who would i become? Would i become a doormat, a "yes girl"? If i gave in to the need that i knew He could fill, and gave the control He wished to have over me, then what kind of person would i be? Who was *really* underneath the exterior that i only let a few even peek beyond? Was a *truly* submissive, or was it all a game......where when it was easy, i would submit, when it was more difficult, i would find excuses? i knew, even that night, that if i let that last wall even crack, that it would be irrevocable, no matter what was behind it.
It's strange. i just this moment realized that i never truly knew who i was, how deep my submission went, until Padrone. i had served Masters rl, online, on phone......and some had asked some difficult things. But none needed for there to be no walls, no barriers. None needed so much of me, and so there was no need to find out what was behind them. That is why i was so fearful. No matter *what* i suspected, that part of me had never been exposed, been tried, been tested.
Even though i was almost immobilized by the fear, which i think is natural before any life changing, person changing, event.....i chose.
What i chose to do was something He had been teaching me, even if He didn't realize that it was what He was teaching me. i took His lesson and expounded on it, actually. But He had been teaching me that no matter what the emotions were that i felt, it was my actions that were judged. So what i chose to do was to BEHAVE as if i trusted Him, to behave as if He controlled me as fully as ...... i wished He could, but without all the pain of vulnerability. i chose to behave as if i could be the one He needed. But what happened in reality was no mere behavior at all.
By making that choice, i chose to open my heart and mind to Him, because what i hadn't understood from the lessons were that when one acts as if one trusts.....or believes......or respects.....or loves....or honors......or cherishes......then one tends to plant seeds of those things. For me, it wasn't planting seeds. i already trusted Him, i just was too scared to admit it until that moment.
i remember that moment so clearly. i just moaned with almost a sense of helplessness, and i heard His answering soft sound of acknowledgement. The wall crashed as i stopped pushing to hold it up. And the most amazing thing began that night. i started the real journey into becoming His woman, rather than a girl to Him. i accepted what He offered, although i had no idea what it was. i offered my all, and........i trusted that He would hold my emotions in a safe place. i trusted that......showing my deep feelings for Him would not......run Him off.
That trust is so very well placed. The changes have been remarkable, dramatic, and natural. But the contentment and peace that flows through my being stems from the simple fact that......i am His. i am simply His.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
my Hope Chest
i freely admit that i am an old-fashioned woman. i have old fashioned values and an old-fashioned outlook on life. Maybe that is a strange thing to say in a D/s blog, but it is true nonetheless.
When i was small, my favorite set of books was the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Because of that, i learned a bit about that era from other sources, actually trying to find books that were as "good" as those, but one thing that was a common practice in that time period, that always fascinated me was the idea of a Hope Chest.
For those who don't know, a hope chest is typically a chest made of cedar, in which young girls would store things they made or obtained throughout childhood and young adulthood, so that when they got married they would have a "start". Now we go buy sheets and pillowcases, and think nothing of it, but then......then they were hand sewn, and many times the embroidery on the pillowcases was so beautiful that it boggles the mind to think of the hours spent on them. Other things were added, petticoats, nightgowns, tablecloths, napkins, so many things that a woman needed to begin a marriage. Even impractical things that one might have obtained, like a sampler or a comb and hairbrush set. These things were made and stored in "hopes" that she would find a man, hence the name hope chest.
Well, somehow i made a correlation between that and relationships as a whole. Told y'all i think too much!
When we come into a relationship, we have a different kind of hope chest. We have expectations and beliefs and desires and needs and wants and requirements and limits and ghosts and demons and fears and issues and baggage, but.....if we didn't have hope, we would not enter into a relationship. We hope that things will work out the way we want them to. We hope we aren't hurt as we were in the past. We hope that we have found our "one". We hope our searching is over. We hope we can remember the day of our collaring long enough to have an anniversary. We hope that all "our" needs are met. We have a chest full of hopes. Every person, male or female, that enters into a relationship brings along a mental and emotional hope chest.
my hopes when i first became Padrone's, so long ago, were that somehow the holes inside me would at least get something in them, because i never dared dream that they would be filled. my hopes were almost squashed by my fears as the relationship grew, though. But the hope survived, even when i thought to myself.......i can't do this ONE moment longer! The hope grew even when my birthday gift had to be delayed a day because of someone else's needs. The hope grew even after being offline for the most part of several weeks due to the aftermath of Katrina. The hope grew despite misunderstandings and things (but unerring consistancy, which was MUCH needed to build trust) that made me get upset and yell "unfair!". The hope grew even after He went offline because of His demanding slaves. The hope grew even after He came back online and refused to talk about anything, just picked up from a new place and moved along. The hope grew .....even after i almost gave up, depressed and knowing that i was fighting a battle within myself over many things, but seeing no way out of that place other than asking for release. i still hoped....the hope never died.....the hope grew...and grew.....and grew.
One day i suddenly realized something. It wasn't a coherent thought process, it was just was a change in myself that i have tried to analyze over and over and failed to do so. Somehow, i began to trust what He did when He let me know in no uncertain terms that i was His because He WANTED me to be His and for no other reason. That changed my life, y'all. It changed my focus. He wanted me, even when i was as selfish as i was, so focused on my own needs. He wanted me even when my fears created demands and jealousy and emotions that i allowed to distract my focus from of what was truly important. And i somehow started to believe that. A miracle.
One day i came to understand that they only way my hope chest would be filled with things, rather than hopes, was to truly submit to the one who could do just that. It was a huge leap of faith, believe me. But slowly, gradually, the holes began to fill in. When i finally, truly, submitted.......when i finally put His needs first....when i finally, finally, began to be the schiava He needed and wanted......that is when the hopes started becoming real truths. And they have. They have in ways i could never describe, but which i feel to the depths of my being. i am His.
So what is in my hope chest now? Well, the one i have in my bedroom is filled with books, a type of hope in themselves but that's for another time and place. The emotional hope chest is no longer needed. The hopes are either all fulfilled, or if they aren't, because i always hope for something.....then i know who can either fill them Himself, or help me learn to fill them myself, which is just as important.
The hopes have been replaced, for the most part, with reality of deep control, expression of deep submission, contentment, love, trust, respect, knowledge of being needed and wanted and valued as and for what i am, understanding of Him and being understood *by* Him, ability and desire to serve Him, His need and love of that service, and total and absolute acceptance on the part of both of us.
Padrone, most of the holes that were in my heart and mind, caused by distrust, ghosts, and fears, have been filled. You have turned hopes into realities, and helped to close so many wounds...which was the most basic, unspoken, even unthought, hope.
Thank You, my Master, my Leader, my Guide, my Love, my Owner.
When i was small, my favorite set of books was the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Because of that, i learned a bit about that era from other sources, actually trying to find books that were as "good" as those, but one thing that was a common practice in that time period, that always fascinated me was the idea of a Hope Chest.
For those who don't know, a hope chest is typically a chest made of cedar, in which young girls would store things they made or obtained throughout childhood and young adulthood, so that when they got married they would have a "start". Now we go buy sheets and pillowcases, and think nothing of it, but then......then they were hand sewn, and many times the embroidery on the pillowcases was so beautiful that it boggles the mind to think of the hours spent on them. Other things were added, petticoats, nightgowns, tablecloths, napkins, so many things that a woman needed to begin a marriage. Even impractical things that one might have obtained, like a sampler or a comb and hairbrush set. These things were made and stored in "hopes" that she would find a man, hence the name hope chest.
Well, somehow i made a correlation between that and relationships as a whole. Told y'all i think too much!
When we come into a relationship, we have a different kind of hope chest. We have expectations and beliefs and desires and needs and wants and requirements and limits and ghosts and demons and fears and issues and baggage, but.....if we didn't have hope, we would not enter into a relationship. We hope that things will work out the way we want them to. We hope we aren't hurt as we were in the past. We hope that we have found our "one". We hope our searching is over. We hope we can remember the day of our collaring long enough to have an anniversary. We hope that all "our" needs are met. We have a chest full of hopes. Every person, male or female, that enters into a relationship brings along a mental and emotional hope chest.
my hopes when i first became Padrone's, so long ago, were that somehow the holes inside me would at least get something in them, because i never dared dream that they would be filled. my hopes were almost squashed by my fears as the relationship grew, though. But the hope survived, even when i thought to myself.......i can't do this ONE moment longer! The hope grew even when my birthday gift had to be delayed a day because of someone else's needs. The hope grew even after being offline for the most part of several weeks due to the aftermath of Katrina. The hope grew despite misunderstandings and things (but unerring consistancy, which was MUCH needed to build trust) that made me get upset and yell "unfair!". The hope grew even after He went offline because of His demanding slaves. The hope grew even after He came back online and refused to talk about anything, just picked up from a new place and moved along. The hope grew .....even after i almost gave up, depressed and knowing that i was fighting a battle within myself over many things, but seeing no way out of that place other than asking for release. i still hoped....the hope never died.....the hope grew...and grew.....and grew.
One day i suddenly realized something. It wasn't a coherent thought process, it was just was a change in myself that i have tried to analyze over and over and failed to do so. Somehow, i began to trust what He did when He let me know in no uncertain terms that i was His because He WANTED me to be His and for no other reason. That changed my life, y'all. It changed my focus. He wanted me, even when i was as selfish as i was, so focused on my own needs. He wanted me even when my fears created demands and jealousy and emotions that i allowed to distract my focus from of what was truly important. And i somehow started to believe that. A miracle.
One day i came to understand that they only way my hope chest would be filled with things, rather than hopes, was to truly submit to the one who could do just that. It was a huge leap of faith, believe me. But slowly, gradually, the holes began to fill in. When i finally, truly, submitted.......when i finally put His needs first....when i finally, finally, began to be the schiava He needed and wanted......that is when the hopes started becoming real truths. And they have. They have in ways i could never describe, but which i feel to the depths of my being. i am His.
So what is in my hope chest now? Well, the one i have in my bedroom is filled with books, a type of hope in themselves but that's for another time and place. The emotional hope chest is no longer needed. The hopes are either all fulfilled, or if they aren't, because i always hope for something.....then i know who can either fill them Himself, or help me learn to fill them myself, which is just as important.
The hopes have been replaced, for the most part, with reality of deep control, expression of deep submission, contentment, love, trust, respect, knowledge of being needed and wanted and valued as and for what i am, understanding of Him and being understood *by* Him, ability and desire to serve Him, His need and love of that service, and total and absolute acceptance on the part of both of us.
Padrone, most of the holes that were in my heart and mind, caused by distrust, ghosts, and fears, have been filled. You have turned hopes into realities, and helped to close so many wounds...which was the most basic, unspoken, even unthought, hope.
Thank You, my Master, my Leader, my Guide, my Love, my Owner.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Learning
i didn't write this. Actually these are thoughts i copied off a plaque in the studio of one of my kids' piano teacher. Here is the copied text, and i feel free to copy this because it was printed on the plaque as "anonymous".
"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you begin to learn that love doesn't mean leaving and company doesn't mean security. And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you learn to accept your defeats with the grace of a man or a woman - not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's dreams have a way of falling down midflight.
"After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
"After a while you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn, and you learn."
i think that may need to be altered to read "if you want to learn, you learn, and you learn, and you learn". So many of us play games, and continue to play them even after we are caught. Some of us are quite bold and brazen, but the reason the games are played is for attention and self gratification. In an environment such as IRC one can seem to be quite worthy based on ability to type imaginatively, to use words to stimulate, to arouse, to submit/Dominate. The problem is that ability to type does not make one a worthwhile person. BUT, the more praise and acceptance one finds in that, the more he/she will seek that praise out. A person can come to place his/her own value on how she is seen in an online chat server. Who he/she really is, sometimes has no bearing on his/her online life. That is sad, but so very true.
What opened my eyes to my own behavior like that was something i was taught a few of years ago, that the best source for validation of my worth lies within my own skin. i didn't believe it until i was forced to admit one positive thing about myself. i wasn't allowed the typical "well, yes.....BUT" that i always excused anything good about me with. i had a fairly good handle on what caused me to act certain ways when i met Padrone....but He is the one who taught me that motivation for behaviors doesn't excuse the behaviors themselves. It is our actions that determine how we are judged by others.
Learning to trust in one's own intrinsic value sometimes means making some seemingly impossible admissions about ourselves. It means being brutally honest with ourselves, in terms of why we act in certain ways. It means digging deeper, admitting mistakes, admitting that we aren't the "perfect person" we would present ourselves to be, accepting, trusting, that we are acceptable as we are, with all of our flaws and scars. That acceptance can only come after admitting that we are flawed and scarred....and exposing them, at least to ourselves. It is strange that sometimes admitting the worst, makes accepting the best easier.
That is how, and when, we learn. As we do that more and more often, it becomes a little easier, mainly because we more readily accept the necessity for it, knowing that the end result will be well worth the pain from the introspection.
i want to learn, and learn, and learn. i make a vow, right now, to be as honest with myself, about myself, as i can... learning to accept the positives, as well as admit the negatives. i vow to work hard to avoid excuses and blame-shifting, evasion, and manipulation. These things are natural for humans, and i don't how well i will succeed in avoiding them, but i will work hard at it.
my Padrone deserves no less than an honorable, confident, strong and deeply submissive slave. And He will *have* no less, from me.
"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you begin to learn that love doesn't mean leaving and company doesn't mean security. And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you learn to accept your defeats with the grace of a man or a woman - not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's dreams have a way of falling down midflight.
"After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
"After a while you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn, and you learn."
i think that may need to be altered to read "if you want to learn, you learn, and you learn, and you learn". So many of us play games, and continue to play them even after we are caught. Some of us are quite bold and brazen, but the reason the games are played is for attention and self gratification. In an environment such as IRC one can seem to be quite worthy based on ability to type imaginatively, to use words to stimulate, to arouse, to submit/Dominate. The problem is that ability to type does not make one a worthwhile person. BUT, the more praise and acceptance one finds in that, the more he/she will seek that praise out. A person can come to place his/her own value on how she is seen in an online chat server. Who he/she really is, sometimes has no bearing on his/her online life. That is sad, but so very true.
What opened my eyes to my own behavior like that was something i was taught a few of years ago, that the best source for validation of my worth lies within my own skin. i didn't believe it until i was forced to admit one positive thing about myself. i wasn't allowed the typical "well, yes.....BUT" that i always excused anything good about me with. i had a fairly good handle on what caused me to act certain ways when i met Padrone....but He is the one who taught me that motivation for behaviors doesn't excuse the behaviors themselves. It is our actions that determine how we are judged by others.
Learning to trust in one's own intrinsic value sometimes means making some seemingly impossible admissions about ourselves. It means being brutally honest with ourselves, in terms of why we act in certain ways. It means digging deeper, admitting mistakes, admitting that we aren't the "perfect person" we would present ourselves to be, accepting, trusting, that we are acceptable as we are, with all of our flaws and scars. That acceptance can only come after admitting that we are flawed and scarred....and exposing them, at least to ourselves. It is strange that sometimes admitting the worst, makes accepting the best easier.
That is how, and when, we learn. As we do that more and more often, it becomes a little easier, mainly because we more readily accept the necessity for it, knowing that the end result will be well worth the pain from the introspection.
i want to learn, and learn, and learn. i make a vow, right now, to be as honest with myself, about myself, as i can... learning to accept the positives, as well as admit the negatives. i vow to work hard to avoid excuses and blame-shifting, evasion, and manipulation. These things are natural for humans, and i don't how well i will succeed in avoiding them, but i will work hard at it.
my Padrone deserves no less than an honorable, confident, strong and deeply submissive slave. And He will *have* no less, from me.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Held
Today......so many thoughts running through my mind today, after some wonderful, beautiful, awesome use last night! Oh that Man can take control of me so easily, and so deeply, even though we have never seen each other face to face. It isn't the seeing that is important, i have learned, it is who He is, and who i am, and how we interact with one another.
Last night there was deep use. He took me places i only rarely reach......i floated so wonderfully after His deep, hard use of my body, mind, soul. i get silly now and then, as i have said before, but He is so very quick to reassure me....far more toften than i deserve. He is so good to me.....He agrees of course, but He truly is.
After the use, there was discussion, as there often is. We learn so much about each other during those times...the intimate times, when He has molded me into ..... more His than i was before. He melts me.....reshapes me into nothing but His. It is amazing, the fluidity i feel when He uses me. i can feel my will leaving my body, my ability to think for myself given totally to Him. Last night the subspace was so deep that my fingers tingled with longing to touch Him. That doesn't happen often, although sometimes the desire to touch Him is stronger than at other times. i do miss touch......but our minds and hearts touch so often and so deeply, that the physical touch isn't missed as much as you might think. i know, it is hard to understand. But it is quite real.
So thoughts that i have been thinking are of His patience.....His love.....His deep need for me, for my pain, for my surrender. i've been thinking of relationships, where we have come from, the struggle, the work it has taken to get where we are. i've been thinking of jealousy and pettiness, and how difficult it is to control actions when one feels them. i have been thinking of fears and overcoming them, and i have been thinking of so many jewels my crown now bears.
He will never let me go. That is something that made it difficult for such a long time, because i expected Him to let me go anytime i wasn't "perfect". i expected Him to give up on me at any time....But He held me. He held me and molded me, and taught me, and let me choose whether i would be His or not, based on His expectations of what He wanted me to be. i had freedom.....but the longer i remained His......the more the hand holding me closed, the more firmly He molded me, the more He expected from me, and......the tighter He held me. When He released His other slave, i had to learn to trust that His grip on me would not loosen, and even though He didn't understand why, He held me even more lovingly than before, and just as firmly as ever. And i am learning that i may hold just as tightly to Him.
What a lucky, loved, cherished, woman i am.
Last night there was deep use. He took me places i only rarely reach......i floated so wonderfully after His deep, hard use of my body, mind, soul. i get silly now and then, as i have said before, but He is so very quick to reassure me....far more toften than i deserve. He is so good to me.....He agrees of course, but He truly is.
After the use, there was discussion, as there often is. We learn so much about each other during those times...the intimate times, when He has molded me into ..... more His than i was before. He melts me.....reshapes me into nothing but His. It is amazing, the fluidity i feel when He uses me. i can feel my will leaving my body, my ability to think for myself given totally to Him. Last night the subspace was so deep that my fingers tingled with longing to touch Him. That doesn't happen often, although sometimes the desire to touch Him is stronger than at other times. i do miss touch......but our minds and hearts touch so often and so deeply, that the physical touch isn't missed as much as you might think. i know, it is hard to understand. But it is quite real.
So thoughts that i have been thinking are of His patience.....His love.....His deep need for me, for my pain, for my surrender. i've been thinking of relationships, where we have come from, the struggle, the work it has taken to get where we are. i've been thinking of jealousy and pettiness, and how difficult it is to control actions when one feels them. i have been thinking of fears and overcoming them, and i have been thinking of so many jewels my crown now bears.
He will never let me go. That is something that made it difficult for such a long time, because i expected Him to let me go anytime i wasn't "perfect". i expected Him to give up on me at any time....But He held me. He held me and molded me, and taught me, and let me choose whether i would be His or not, based on His expectations of what He wanted me to be. i had freedom.....but the longer i remained His......the more the hand holding me closed, the more firmly He molded me, the more He expected from me, and......the tighter He held me. When He released His other slave, i had to learn to trust that His grip on me would not loosen, and even though He didn't understand why, He held me even more lovingly than before, and just as firmly as ever. And i am learning that i may hold just as tightly to Him.
What a lucky, loved, cherished, woman i am.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Unanswerable question......maybe
i've been thinking lately of one of those unanswerable questions......like the one about which came first, the chicken or the egg. Maybe it is a case of "who cares?" and "does it really matter anyway?" but i am the kind of person for whom understanding reasons is vital to my own growth and trust.
So....is it use that keeps a D/s relationship strong and commited? Or is it the result of the use?
Let me ask with more words....and no groaning about that, please! What i mean is this: i realize that use is vital in a D/s relationship. Using and being used is the deepest way to express who we are - whether on the D or the s side of the /. Or is it? i've been thinking today of what i need in the use. Why is use so necessary? Why do i need to be turned into nothing more than a vessel for His pleasure? Why is that the most ...... freeing.....powerful.....fulfilling thing i can think of?
Is it really the easy answer of going to "that place"? Is the place of actively expressing control / submission THAT compelling and fulfilling?
i realized that it was AFTER the use.....the intimate.....close.....deeply emotional time.....that reinforces most, who we are and what we have. Like last night, after some VERY hard use.....hearing the words of total ownership, total submission.....*THAT* was the place that i crave. When few words matter, but are spoken anyway.....softly.....intimately.... reiterating our relationship, deepening it, when He takes control of me more and more......deeper and deeper.....
Sweetly broken.......wholly surrendered.....
So i think use is vital......but use is an expression of something far deeper, a way to express things in ways that truly can't be expressed in any other way. It is also a vessel, a means of transportation into a deeper "realm" if you will. Padrone always says that a slave needs to be used often, and i often wondered just what He meant by that. But after talking with Him often, and thinking on my own, making some observations and drawing some conclusions, i think i know what He meant......finally!
i love You, my Master, my Padrone, my Love. One day, i hope to deserve You. Until then, i will work hard to give You all *You* deserve.
So....is it use that keeps a D/s relationship strong and commited? Or is it the result of the use?
Let me ask with more words....and no groaning about that, please! What i mean is this: i realize that use is vital in a D/s relationship. Using and being used is the deepest way to express who we are - whether on the D or the s side of the /. Or is it? i've been thinking today of what i need in the use. Why is use so necessary? Why do i need to be turned into nothing more than a vessel for His pleasure? Why is that the most ...... freeing.....powerful.....fulfilling thing i can think of?
Is it really the easy answer of going to "that place"? Is the place of actively expressing control / submission THAT compelling and fulfilling?
i realized that it was AFTER the use.....the intimate.....close.....deeply emotional time.....that reinforces most, who we are and what we have. Like last night, after some VERY hard use.....hearing the words of total ownership, total submission.....*THAT* was the place that i crave. When few words matter, but are spoken anyway.....softly.....intimately.... reiterating our relationship, deepening it, when He takes control of me more and more......deeper and deeper.....
Sweetly broken.......wholly surrendered.....
So i think use is vital......but use is an expression of something far deeper, a way to express things in ways that truly can't be expressed in any other way. It is also a vessel, a means of transportation into a deeper "realm" if you will. Padrone always says that a slave needs to be used often, and i often wondered just what He meant by that. But after talking with Him often, and thinking on my own, making some observations and drawing some conclusions, i think i know what He meant......finally!
i love You, my Master, my Padrone, my Love. One day, i hope to deserve You. Until then, i will work hard to give You all *You* deserve.
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