It dawned on me today that there are so many folks "out there" that are waiting for someone to ..... be the one they're waiting for. In other words, they want someone, but they're waiting for them to change into their perfect, ideal, partner.
And the funny thing is that i would, at some point in time, have said "ain't gonna happen", until i realized...that's exactly what happened with Padrone and me.
As i have often commented here, but which i am not sure how much i have expounded upon, our relationship is D/s first and foremost. All of the other emotions have grown from that basis. i know it's different, and strange, for it to have happened that way, but that is just the way things grew for us.
The funny thing is, He met the need i had to be controlled, deeply and gradually, even when i would not admit to having that need. And my submission helped to meet the need He had to control deeply. Of course all that changed after He released His other slave, and that is really when what we knew about each other came to the forefront of our relationship, and we were able to truly express things that we had, of necessity, held back from before then.
But the freedom that His control gave me to express my submission is something that only those who understand the D/s dynamic can really understand.
It is hard, now, for me to put words to the feelings i have for my Master. The interesting thing is that the submission is still the very basis, the foundation for all the other emotions. The submission to this Man is my breath, my heartbeat. It is something that i don't think about all the time, it simply exists. It hasn't always been that way, i resisted a lot of things for a long time, even while wanting what we have now. i didn't want to "get" here, i simply wanted to be here. It wasn't really that clear cut, and it wasn't that i was impatient.....i just didn't know how to get here from there.
What is my point? i'm not sure there is one to this post, to be honest. All i know is that i have been looking for ways to express my submission. In doing so i've been thinking of how i feel, and the reality of my submission. What i discovered is that i HAVE grown into the one He was waiting for me to grow into.
And He has as well, something i'm not sure He expected to do....but i won't talk about that here...
Another thing i discovered is that my love is inseparable from my submission. The love comes because of the submission being valued, appreciated, welcomed, needed, cherished. This submission flows through my veins, my life-blood, the reason i exist. How can i put that into words?
i have found no way to do so yet, and so..... i simply live it.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Some reality amongst the romance
Well, i've been thinking about the direction this blog is taking, thanks to some comments by Padrone (very insightful ones, even if i didn't want to hear them at the time). And it's just.....way too mushy.
Well, maybe it's not really that it's too mushy, it's just that lately everything i have typed here has been feelings-based. The reason this blog began was to give an idea of the reality of a long distance relationship, and all i do is talk about how i feel. Ugh.
So maybe i will give a glimpse into my "average" day as a slave to a man who lives an ocean away. i won't give a total glimpse, because there are things about my life i won't reveal, and that will, of necessity, ensure that this glimpse is incomplete. But it's not mush anyway. *wry smile*
First, i guess i should say that i have started working nights in the past few months, so i sleep during the daytime, and am awake overnight, most nights at least. That has been a huge change, and one that i still have trouble adjusting to, to be honest. Padrone has trouble too, mainly because He knows i need sleep and i sometimes have major problems sleeping in the daytime, and He worries about me a lot.
So when i get home, i usually hop online for a few minutes, sometimes longer depending on how tired, and how "wired" i am after work. i've already sent a text saying i'm leaving work, then one saying i'm home, but after i get offline, i perform the first non-texting task of my day: i have had a rule in place for a long time that before i go to sleep, i am to go to slave position for 5 minutes. Slave position is me on my knees, my face on the floor, arms stretched out before me, ass low...i am as low to the ground as i can be while still on my knees. Yes, there have been times when my kids have seen me doing this, and my explanation is that i am stretching....lol. Oh well, it works.
Padrone has asked me a time or two what i think of when i am in slave position, and it isn't easy to categorize, actually. i usually take the time to focus on who i am, allowing the thoughts and stress of work to just flow from my mind and body. But sometimes, darnit, i am simply thinking of the pile of laundry to do, how much i wish i didn't have to sleep during such a beautiful day, worrying about my kids for various reasons, wishing i didn't have to limit my availability to Padrone by sleeping...things like that. i mean, i would dearly love if my entire focus for every time in slave position was on Him, on our relationship, on my submission.... but that is so totally unrealistic to expect it, that even "i" with my usually-too-high expectations of myself can't expect that!
*whispering*...there have been a couple of times....well...a few times....that i have actually fallen asleep while in slave position. Ssssshhhhhhh.....
After slave position, i go to sleep. i send my hourly texts when i am awake, but i have to say that i miss that ritual, i love sending the texts for some reason. i can't send them while i'm at work, of course, except when on breaks and lunches.
When i wake up, i go to what we call position, or whore position, then i insert the big black cock-shaped dildo that Padrone bought me for Christmas the first year we were together. It is quite thick, and i wear it for at least 15 minutes, although i don't stay in position that long. i can wear it around the house, while drinking coffee, and a lot of times i wear it when i first get online and i'm waiting for Padrone. Sometimes that is a very erotic time, sometimes it makes me a horny bitch and i can't wait to see Him and hope He wants to use me! Sometimes it just makes me all submissive feeling because i know how much He loves for my ass to be filled. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, because of how thick it is, the time of the month for me, or even just because i don't want to wear it. Sometimes i am counting the minutes until it is over (i hate to say it, but that is because it is so thick and still quite difficult to wear for long periods of time, and sometimes 15 minutes is longer than other times). This is one of those things that i always love to do, even if only because i know my obedience is valued. That is an incredible feeling for a slave, and an amazing motivator.
Throughout the day i text every hour, letting Him know what i am doing. i once asked "what if i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by?" He said to text that i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by. i have to say that now i try hard to actually *do* something most of the time, so i guess it's a positive thing. Of course i am getting better at telling Him that i am just watching tv (something i rarely do), or relaxing or something. That has been a hard battle for me, internally, to get to the place that i can admit to my Master that i am doing....nothing productive. But the bottom line is, since i need to re-learn to take care of myself since i am working nights now, even relaxing is productive. That was a hard lesson.
This texting rule is the only one with built-in punishment. If i miss a text, even by one minute, then i am to write lines that night....50 lines for each hour i miss. Now if i fall asleep, i can't text (i used to try to wake up every hour to text, and it was causing major problems of course). But every hour i am awake, i am to text, with the knowledge that if i miss, i write lines. Last time i had to write them, He sent a text kidding me about it. Darnit. i HATE writing lines. And i really, REALLY hate when i miss only by a minute or two. That really is hard to swallow that i can't be given mercy for that short a time. But i understand why, in some ways, even if i still hate it and usually mutter to myself while i'm writing them when it is a matter of a few seconds that caused me to have to do it. And usually i am the one texting to Him that i will be writing lines that night....that one time, though, i thought i had texted a couple of minutes past the hour, and it was a couple of minutes before it. Dad-gummit.
i love to text, and i feel like a failure when i miss one, and it's usually by only a minute or two that i do. Yes, i know, my expectations are way too high. But i also think to myself, sometimes, why am i punished for failure, if i am expected to fail at times? Isn't perfection something that He expects of me as well, if there is punishment for failing to perform perfectly? But those are thoughts for another post.
Anyway, probably the most difficult thing for me, now, of any of the rules is to continue to put clothespins on my nipples when i use the bathroom. It is really quite painful at times, especially during certain times of the month. It keeps my nipples sensitive even when i wear a bra - if i brush my tits against something, it just.....hurts. But the way they are soooooooooo sensitive when we play.......oh god it is wonderful! And when i think about how He loves for them to be so sensitive, He loves my reactions when on the phone with Him....when i hear Him talk about how much He enjoys it....it is all worth it.
And that, my friends, is the bottom line for me.
Even when i don't feel submissive, my obedience makes me submissive. As Padrone said the other night, it isn't that He expects me to feel all the things i type about in my blog all the time, that is unrealistic. But He said that He provides the *chance* for me to feel that way so many times during my day. And you know what? i never know when that text will bring the submission to the forefront. i never know when slave position will bring tears to my eyes when i think of who and what i am. i never know when the jewel in my ass while i'm running errands will bring to mind His use and His control. So i am grateful for what He has provided for me, the framework that He has in place in my life to keep me obedient, and to allow my focus to turn to Him many times during my day.
i guess what i am trying to say with all these words is simple. We are both human, period, and it is because we accept that about each other that really makes it work. i have gotten so upset with Him at times, because it seemed that His expectations were not realistic within my life here. There have been times when He has questioned me because i didn't obey something that He didn't think was that difficult for me to do. But we have learned and grown from every trauma, every drama, until now there are few and it is a (mushy alert) wonderful, beautiful D/s relationship.
It has taken dedication. It has taken work, mental and emotional work, to try to understand and to mold ourselves and our expression of ourselves into the best we can be for each other. It has taken thought and incredible creativity to make things work as life changes happen. And mostly it has taken obedience, and strong, consistent control, to keep us together for this long, and to allow us to grow stronger in our relationship.
i never would have imagined it could be like this. (that's as mushy as i'm getting today, promise!)
Well, maybe it's not really that it's too mushy, it's just that lately everything i have typed here has been feelings-based. The reason this blog began was to give an idea of the reality of a long distance relationship, and all i do is talk about how i feel. Ugh.
So maybe i will give a glimpse into my "average" day as a slave to a man who lives an ocean away. i won't give a total glimpse, because there are things about my life i won't reveal, and that will, of necessity, ensure that this glimpse is incomplete. But it's not mush anyway. *wry smile*
First, i guess i should say that i have started working nights in the past few months, so i sleep during the daytime, and am awake overnight, most nights at least. That has been a huge change, and one that i still have trouble adjusting to, to be honest. Padrone has trouble too, mainly because He knows i need sleep and i sometimes have major problems sleeping in the daytime, and He worries about me a lot.
So when i get home, i usually hop online for a few minutes, sometimes longer depending on how tired, and how "wired" i am after work. i've already sent a text saying i'm leaving work, then one saying i'm home, but after i get offline, i perform the first non-texting task of my day: i have had a rule in place for a long time that before i go to sleep, i am to go to slave position for 5 minutes. Slave position is me on my knees, my face on the floor, arms stretched out before me, ass low...i am as low to the ground as i can be while still on my knees. Yes, there have been times when my kids have seen me doing this, and my explanation is that i am stretching....lol. Oh well, it works.
Padrone has asked me a time or two what i think of when i am in slave position, and it isn't easy to categorize, actually. i usually take the time to focus on who i am, allowing the thoughts and stress of work to just flow from my mind and body. But sometimes, darnit, i am simply thinking of the pile of laundry to do, how much i wish i didn't have to sleep during such a beautiful day, worrying about my kids for various reasons, wishing i didn't have to limit my availability to Padrone by sleeping...things like that. i mean, i would dearly love if my entire focus for every time in slave position was on Him, on our relationship, on my submission.... but that is so totally unrealistic to expect it, that even "i" with my usually-too-high expectations of myself can't expect that!
*whispering*...there have been a couple of times....well...a few times....that i have actually fallen asleep while in slave position. Ssssshhhhhhh.....
After slave position, i go to sleep. i send my hourly texts when i am awake, but i have to say that i miss that ritual, i love sending the texts for some reason. i can't send them while i'm at work, of course, except when on breaks and lunches.
When i wake up, i go to what we call position, or whore position, then i insert the big black cock-shaped dildo that Padrone bought me for Christmas the first year we were together. It is quite thick, and i wear it for at least 15 minutes, although i don't stay in position that long. i can wear it around the house, while drinking coffee, and a lot of times i wear it when i first get online and i'm waiting for Padrone. Sometimes that is a very erotic time, sometimes it makes me a horny bitch and i can't wait to see Him and hope He wants to use me! Sometimes it just makes me all submissive feeling because i know how much He loves for my ass to be filled. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, because of how thick it is, the time of the month for me, or even just because i don't want to wear it. Sometimes i am counting the minutes until it is over (i hate to say it, but that is because it is so thick and still quite difficult to wear for long periods of time, and sometimes 15 minutes is longer than other times). This is one of those things that i always love to do, even if only because i know my obedience is valued. That is an incredible feeling for a slave, and an amazing motivator.
Throughout the day i text every hour, letting Him know what i am doing. i once asked "what if i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by?" He said to text that i am sitting on the front steps watching traffic go by. i have to say that now i try hard to actually *do* something most of the time, so i guess it's a positive thing. Of course i am getting better at telling Him that i am just watching tv (something i rarely do), or relaxing or something. That has been a hard battle for me, internally, to get to the place that i can admit to my Master that i am doing....nothing productive. But the bottom line is, since i need to re-learn to take care of myself since i am working nights now, even relaxing is productive. That was a hard lesson.
This texting rule is the only one with built-in punishment. If i miss a text, even by one minute, then i am to write lines that night....50 lines for each hour i miss. Now if i fall asleep, i can't text (i used to try to wake up every hour to text, and it was causing major problems of course). But every hour i am awake, i am to text, with the knowledge that if i miss, i write lines. Last time i had to write them, He sent a text kidding me about it. Darnit. i HATE writing lines. And i really, REALLY hate when i miss only by a minute or two. That really is hard to swallow that i can't be given mercy for that short a time. But i understand why, in some ways, even if i still hate it and usually mutter to myself while i'm writing them when it is a matter of a few seconds that caused me to have to do it. And usually i am the one texting to Him that i will be writing lines that night....that one time, though, i thought i had texted a couple of minutes past the hour, and it was a couple of minutes before it. Dad-gummit.
i love to text, and i feel like a failure when i miss one, and it's usually by only a minute or two that i do. Yes, i know, my expectations are way too high. But i also think to myself, sometimes, why am i punished for failure, if i am expected to fail at times? Isn't perfection something that He expects of me as well, if there is punishment for failing to perform perfectly? But those are thoughts for another post.
Anyway, probably the most difficult thing for me, now, of any of the rules is to continue to put clothespins on my nipples when i use the bathroom. It is really quite painful at times, especially during certain times of the month. It keeps my nipples sensitive even when i wear a bra - if i brush my tits against something, it just.....hurts. But the way they are soooooooooo sensitive when we play.......oh god it is wonderful! And when i think about how He loves for them to be so sensitive, He loves my reactions when on the phone with Him....when i hear Him talk about how much He enjoys it....it is all worth it.
And that, my friends, is the bottom line for me.
Even when i don't feel submissive, my obedience makes me submissive. As Padrone said the other night, it isn't that He expects me to feel all the things i type about in my blog all the time, that is unrealistic. But He said that He provides the *chance* for me to feel that way so many times during my day. And you know what? i never know when that text will bring the submission to the forefront. i never know when slave position will bring tears to my eyes when i think of who and what i am. i never know when the jewel in my ass while i'm running errands will bring to mind His use and His control. So i am grateful for what He has provided for me, the framework that He has in place in my life to keep me obedient, and to allow my focus to turn to Him many times during my day.
i guess what i am trying to say with all these words is simple. We are both human, period, and it is because we accept that about each other that really makes it work. i have gotten so upset with Him at times, because it seemed that His expectations were not realistic within my life here. There have been times when He has questioned me because i didn't obey something that He didn't think was that difficult for me to do. But we have learned and grown from every trauma, every drama, until now there are few and it is a (mushy alert) wonderful, beautiful D/s relationship.
It has taken dedication. It has taken work, mental and emotional work, to try to understand and to mold ourselves and our expression of ourselves into the best we can be for each other. It has taken thought and incredible creativity to make things work as life changes happen. And mostly it has taken obedience, and strong, consistent control, to keep us together for this long, and to allow us to grow stronger in our relationship.
i never would have imagined it could be like this. (that's as mushy as i'm getting today, promise!)
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Reassurance
Today, while i was in that state between sleep and wakefulness, a thought struck me, and i am not sure why.
It dawned on me that i don't need the reassurance of Padrone's commitment to me, and only to me, as much as i used to.
Now, don't get me wrong. i don't take that lightly in the least. It has just reached the point that there is confidence now, and i can concentrate more on making Him happy, trusting Him for my own happiness, something i now know it is safe to do. Yes, i know it seems to have taken quite a while for me to have reached this point, but to be honest, i've been here for a while now. The change has been so gradual, however, that i didn't even notice it until this morning.
So what was so different about this morning? Not much, except i was thinking about how much Padrone cares for me, and cares about me, and how He shows it. Sometimes i still have to wrap my mind around that......that He makes the best choices for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time...but that's a story for another post, maybe.
Last night, He showed His care for me in a couple of ways, and i woke up so grateful to Him for it. Gratitude is a very motivating thing, in so many ways, although my love for Him is not completely based on gratitude. But it does make me remember where i've come from, and how far i have come with Him as my Master. THAT is what i want to talk about....
When we met, i had walls around me that i thought were impenetrable, because i wouldn't allow them to be penetrated. i had the attitude that i was for physical pleasure and nothing more, and nobody could MAKE me be about more than that, because i didn't WANT to be more. When i think of that, of who i was then, and i see now....
Not only is there far more than physical pleasure between the two of us....but there is also the knowledge that it really is a lasting, deeply commited relationship. That is amazing to me, how far we have come, how sincere the knowledge, how commited we are. And all the things i used to ask for reassurance about, or feel the need for reassurance even if i didn't ask....suddenly aren't important, and i can't see why they ever were. Well, i can see why, then, but now....
Now, the simple truth is that i know things that He would never tell me, simply by His actions. Now i know why He wouldn't tell me, why He wouldn't get on that merry-go-round of emotions. Words are sometimes a trap, sometimes a cover, sometimes the focus of things when actions really *do* speak more loudly. i am so grateful that Padrone taught me that, no matter how frustrating it had to have been for Him.
i am the luckiest slave i know. Thank You, my Owner.
It dawned on me that i don't need the reassurance of Padrone's commitment to me, and only to me, as much as i used to.
Now, don't get me wrong. i don't take that lightly in the least. It has just reached the point that there is confidence now, and i can concentrate more on making Him happy, trusting Him for my own happiness, something i now know it is safe to do. Yes, i know it seems to have taken quite a while for me to have reached this point, but to be honest, i've been here for a while now. The change has been so gradual, however, that i didn't even notice it until this morning.
So what was so different about this morning? Not much, except i was thinking about how much Padrone cares for me, and cares about me, and how He shows it. Sometimes i still have to wrap my mind around that......that He makes the best choices for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time...but that's a story for another post, maybe.
Last night, He showed His care for me in a couple of ways, and i woke up so grateful to Him for it. Gratitude is a very motivating thing, in so many ways, although my love for Him is not completely based on gratitude. But it does make me remember where i've come from, and how far i have come with Him as my Master. THAT is what i want to talk about....
When we met, i had walls around me that i thought were impenetrable, because i wouldn't allow them to be penetrated. i had the attitude that i was for physical pleasure and nothing more, and nobody could MAKE me be about more than that, because i didn't WANT to be more. When i think of that, of who i was then, and i see now....
Not only is there far more than physical pleasure between the two of us....but there is also the knowledge that it really is a lasting, deeply commited relationship. That is amazing to me, how far we have come, how sincere the knowledge, how commited we are. And all the things i used to ask for reassurance about, or feel the need for reassurance even if i didn't ask....suddenly aren't important, and i can't see why they ever were. Well, i can see why, then, but now....
Now, the simple truth is that i know things that He would never tell me, simply by His actions. Now i know why He wouldn't tell me, why He wouldn't get on that merry-go-round of emotions. Words are sometimes a trap, sometimes a cover, sometimes the focus of things when actions really *do* speak more loudly. i am so grateful that Padrone taught me that, no matter how frustrating it had to have been for Him.
i am the luckiest slave i know. Thank You, my Owner.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
untitled
Prone at Your side, deep in submission, my very posture reflecting the depths of my emotions...
my bruised and marked body aching, throbbing with heat from Your belt and Your flogger...gagged, the hated drool flowing, unable to prevent it....tears spill onto the floor....
my ass, filled and yet still so exposed, the openness of my hole for You so obvious, the tautness of my stretched rim around the transparent, glass plug that fills me so very full...
my cunt, leaking our combined cum....juices covering my thighs from the torment, from Your pleasure, from my own release...
Prone, in slave position, low, mere hole for Your pleasure, not even begging, merely Your flesh to control, to possess, to consume entirely into Your will.
Trembling and still, serving with silence, with tears and with pain...my heart soaring as i am made complete, proudly Your object for pleasure...allowed to please, allowed to serve....Your schiava, Your woman, Your love.
my bruised and marked body aching, throbbing with heat from Your belt and Your flogger...gagged, the hated drool flowing, unable to prevent it....tears spill onto the floor....
my ass, filled and yet still so exposed, the openness of my hole for You so obvious, the tautness of my stretched rim around the transparent, glass plug that fills me so very full...
my cunt, leaking our combined cum....juices covering my thighs from the torment, from Your pleasure, from my own release...
Prone, in slave position, low, mere hole for Your pleasure, not even begging, merely Your flesh to control, to possess, to consume entirely into Your will.
Trembling and still, serving with silence, with tears and with pain...my heart soaring as i am made complete, proudly Your object for pleasure...allowed to please, allowed to serve....Your schiava, Your woman, Your love.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
The first 3 verses in that chapter are as follows:
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is one of the most powerful, life-changing forces, emotions, actions....... choices... we can experience. Not the kind of mushy, "hearts and flowers" kind of love that is so well-promoted at Valentine's Day.
The kind of love that can literally change lives is the kind of love that has changed my life. The love i talk about never fails. The love i talk about truly honors, cherishes, respects, trusts, accepts, waits. The love i talk about proves that i am worthy of it, even when i fight that belief with all that i am.
The kind of love i talk about is the love i have every day with my Master.
It is the kind of love that i strive to have for Him as well.
It is the kind of love that i am learning to show to others in my life, giving examples to my kids and my friends and family.
It is the kind of love that sends special Valentine's gifts, even with all the work it took to create it, then shrink it, then send it to me.
Padrone, i have no words, literally, other than the typical "i love You" and thank You. i pledge to strive every day to show You the kind of love You deserve.
Happy Valentine's Day, my Love....from Your funny Valentine....smile.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
The first 3 verses in that chapter are as follows:
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is one of the most powerful, life-changing forces, emotions, actions....... choices... we can experience. Not the kind of mushy, "hearts and flowers" kind of love that is so well-promoted at Valentine's Day.
The kind of love that can literally change lives is the kind of love that has changed my life. The love i talk about never fails. The love i talk about truly honors, cherishes, respects, trusts, accepts, waits. The love i talk about proves that i am worthy of it, even when i fight that belief with all that i am.
The kind of love i talk about is the love i have every day with my Master.
It is the kind of love that i strive to have for Him as well.
It is the kind of love that i am learning to show to others in my life, giving examples to my kids and my friends and family.
It is the kind of love that sends special Valentine's gifts, even with all the work it took to create it, then shrink it, then send it to me.
Padrone, i have no words, literally, other than the typical "i love You" and thank You. i pledge to strive every day to show You the kind of love You deserve.
Happy Valentine's Day, my Love....from Your funny Valentine....smile.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Love never fails.
Love never fails.
Think about that.
REALLY think about it.
The Bible continues after saying that to list some things that do fail, things that we know will happen. Prophecies (predictions.....and those we know will happen, usually of bad things.), tongues (words...even *i* have been rendered speechless before, usually during times of deep emotion and i am simply amazed by all that we have), even knowledge (usually fleeting, although nobody ever wants to admit it.)....these things will come to an end.
But love....the kind of love that is discussed here....never fails.
i want to tell y'all a story.
When i first came to irc, i was recovering from a heartbreaking breakup with my previous Master. i had loved him, and felt that he loved me. What we had was limited due to circumstances, yes he was married....but it was still fulfilling and intense at times and i needed a lot of what he had to offer. It seemed perfect for me....when i didn't dwell on the times when we were totally cut off because he was with his family, etc. Those times increased in frequency and duration to the point that i asked for release. i knew that he didn't need me as his submissive anymore, and i finally recognized that i needed more than what he could or would offer me.
So when i came to irc, it was strictly to play and scene. i had no intention at all of any relationship. i was vocal and adamant about not wanting a collar, and i repeatedly said that i don't believe in love anymore, that love doesn't last and it doesn't have a place in a D/s relationship. My attitude was...use me, fuck me, and move on. And it worked for a while. i kept folks at arm's length, came here, allowed myself to feel good about myself because i was a popular whore, and then was able to take my locked-away emotions easily out of IRC when i turned the computer off. It was just what i wanted.
Then, along came a man who showed me, over time and in ways far more meaningful than mere words, what love really is. And He shows me every day, over and over.
To go on with the story would be boring, and would repeat much of what is common knowledge, and which i have said in this thread already, so i won't bore y'all with it. i will just move on....
i didn't want the kind of love that Padrone and i have. i didn't think it was even possible. i didn't trust anyone......i mean, if that Master who had seen me through some really rough times with love and care could stop needing me and loving me, then why would i ever believe that someone else would even care about me at all? Love, in my opinion, was fickle and fleeting.
But .... what i felt for that man is .... i can't even remember what i thought was so strong, now....it isn't even a shadow of what is between Padrone and me.
Padrone's kind, thoughtful control of His slave....His patience in waiting to see what kind of person i really am, letting me prove my worth or lack thereof....His consistency....His dependability.....His constant presence in my life, through various means.....His care, His concern, His determination to care for His slave the best way He can....even when it means that He sacrifices time with me or control through rules or something like that......all of those things, and so much more, show me just how wrong i was to choose not to believe in love.
What i should have believed in, and finally do, was real love.
Padrone's love has created ways for me to change that i never would have believed. It hasn't failed, even when we do fail.
Love never fails.
Think about that.
REALLY think about it.
The Bible continues after saying that to list some things that do fail, things that we know will happen. Prophecies (predictions.....and those we know will happen, usually of bad things.), tongues (words...even *i* have been rendered speechless before, usually during times of deep emotion and i am simply amazed by all that we have), even knowledge (usually fleeting, although nobody ever wants to admit it.)....these things will come to an end.
But love....the kind of love that is discussed here....never fails.
i want to tell y'all a story.
When i first came to irc, i was recovering from a heartbreaking breakup with my previous Master. i had loved him, and felt that he loved me. What we had was limited due to circumstances, yes he was married....but it was still fulfilling and intense at times and i needed a lot of what he had to offer. It seemed perfect for me....when i didn't dwell on the times when we were totally cut off because he was with his family, etc. Those times increased in frequency and duration to the point that i asked for release. i knew that he didn't need me as his submissive anymore, and i finally recognized that i needed more than what he could or would offer me.
So when i came to irc, it was strictly to play and scene. i had no intention at all of any relationship. i was vocal and adamant about not wanting a collar, and i repeatedly said that i don't believe in love anymore, that love doesn't last and it doesn't have a place in a D/s relationship. My attitude was...use me, fuck me, and move on. And it worked for a while. i kept folks at arm's length, came here, allowed myself to feel good about myself because i was a popular whore, and then was able to take my locked-away emotions easily out of IRC when i turned the computer off. It was just what i wanted.
Then, along came a man who showed me, over time and in ways far more meaningful than mere words, what love really is. And He shows me every day, over and over.
To go on with the story would be boring, and would repeat much of what is common knowledge, and which i have said in this thread already, so i won't bore y'all with it. i will just move on....
i didn't want the kind of love that Padrone and i have. i didn't think it was even possible. i didn't trust anyone......i mean, if that Master who had seen me through some really rough times with love and care could stop needing me and loving me, then why would i ever believe that someone else would even care about me at all? Love, in my opinion, was fickle and fleeting.
But .... what i felt for that man is .... i can't even remember what i thought was so strong, now....it isn't even a shadow of what is between Padrone and me.
Padrone's kind, thoughtful control of His slave....His patience in waiting to see what kind of person i really am, letting me prove my worth or lack thereof....His consistency....His dependability.....His constant presence in my life, through various means.....His care, His concern, His determination to care for His slave the best way He can....even when it means that He sacrifices time with me or control through rules or something like that......all of those things, and so much more, show me just how wrong i was to choose not to believe in love.
What i should have believed in, and finally do, was real love.
Padrone's love has created ways for me to change that i never would have believed. It hasn't failed, even when we do fail.
Love never fails.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Today i am going to combine some thoughts regarding how love is expressed in a relationship, specifically ours. i'm doing it this way for a couple of reasons... one, i've been so busy lately that typing here, or the lack thereof, has done nothing but stress me since i feel that i reneged on a commitment i made to myself. Life has a way of interfering however, and it did this weekend. Secondly, because the thoughts, as evidenced by the common word preceding them "always", are connected, so typing about them in one post simply makes sense to me. We'll see, and here we go.
Protection, trust, hope, and perserverence. Those are things that i longed for in a relationship for so long....and i have commented in various ways how Padrone provides these things for me. But of course, me being me, i want to expound a bit during this Valentine's season. Well, that's my excuse right now anyway..lol.
i always longed for the safety to really let myself be me in a relationship. i am not at all sure that i can convey how important this has always been, because for the longest time i couldn't define the yearning deep inside me. But to feel safe, protected, cherished.....to feel valuable and treasured for the person i am, and not my role in a relationship.... because my submission defines me, and yet describes only a part of me.... But i could never find it...noone could ever give, be, do enough to satisfy that deepest longing, until Padrone, and that is one of the things i treasure most about Him. Now i realize that one of the reasons why it never happened with anyone else, is because of some other aspects of real love were lacking, the most obvious of which is trust.
Love always trusts. Conversely, love never doubts. That isn't to say that relationships won't go through rocky periods, or that trust is immediate even when the words "i love you" are first uttered. Trust is built, just as real love is built and doesn't happen at the drop of a hat. i never really understood that, until i look back on my relationship with Padrone, and i realize where we have come from. And i do have to say that trust, leading to emotional security (feeling protected), took a long, long time to develop for both of us. That was not fully in our control, however, but that is a different story altogether.
And that brings me to the last two thoughts....the reason we are still together i mean. No matter what we saw, no matter what we felt, no matter how circumstances and people affected us .... deliberately or not....no matter what, we had hope that what we had was the right thing for us, and hoped that things would ease, would smooth, and would improve. We hoped that the future would be brighter and more fulfilling than the present was, and we hoped that our relationship would deepen into what it is now. That hope is still very much alive, for a long and loving relationship in the future. If it weren't, why bother?
And all of those things, protection, trust, hope....would amount to nothing if we hadn't had perserverence. Because we persevered, because we chose to stick with one another through the hardest times, and learn and grow into who we are to each other now, we have come through some fires, refined and shining, with so many of the ghosts and demons simply burned away. Yes, it was painful at times. Yes, it required daily, sometimes even several times per day, decisions to trust, to hope, to persevere. But worth it? Oh my....oh my yes.
Padrone, i am grateful for the ways You have always shown Your feelings, Your commitment, even when i wanted You to show it "my" way. Thank You for persevering, and for protecting our relationship as tenaciously as i do, even if not quite so....vocally....
Thank You for allowing me to continue blogging in this vein. i am identifying so many things about us, about You, that i think i took for granted, or at least never took time to think about before now. My love and appreciation for You is intensifying daily. Thank You, my Master.
Protection, trust, hope, and perserverence. Those are things that i longed for in a relationship for so long....and i have commented in various ways how Padrone provides these things for me. But of course, me being me, i want to expound a bit during this Valentine's season. Well, that's my excuse right now anyway..lol.
i always longed for the safety to really let myself be me in a relationship. i am not at all sure that i can convey how important this has always been, because for the longest time i couldn't define the yearning deep inside me. But to feel safe, protected, cherished.....to feel valuable and treasured for the person i am, and not my role in a relationship.... because my submission defines me, and yet describes only a part of me.... But i could never find it...noone could ever give, be, do enough to satisfy that deepest longing, until Padrone, and that is one of the things i treasure most about Him. Now i realize that one of the reasons why it never happened with anyone else, is because of some other aspects of real love were lacking, the most obvious of which is trust.
Love always trusts. Conversely, love never doubts. That isn't to say that relationships won't go through rocky periods, or that trust is immediate even when the words "i love you" are first uttered. Trust is built, just as real love is built and doesn't happen at the drop of a hat. i never really understood that, until i look back on my relationship with Padrone, and i realize where we have come from. And i do have to say that trust, leading to emotional security (feeling protected), took a long, long time to develop for both of us. That was not fully in our control, however, but that is a different story altogether.
And that brings me to the last two thoughts....the reason we are still together i mean. No matter what we saw, no matter what we felt, no matter how circumstances and people affected us .... deliberately or not....no matter what, we had hope that what we had was the right thing for us, and hoped that things would ease, would smooth, and would improve. We hoped that the future would be brighter and more fulfilling than the present was, and we hoped that our relationship would deepen into what it is now. That hope is still very much alive, for a long and loving relationship in the future. If it weren't, why bother?
And all of those things, protection, trust, hope....would amount to nothing if we hadn't had perserverence. Because we persevered, because we chose to stick with one another through the hardest times, and learn and grow into who we are to each other now, we have come through some fires, refined and shining, with so many of the ghosts and demons simply burned away. Yes, it was painful at times. Yes, it required daily, sometimes even several times per day, decisions to trust, to hope, to persevere. But worth it? Oh my....oh my yes.
Padrone, i am grateful for the ways You have always shown Your feelings, Your commitment, even when i wanted You to show it "my" way. Thank You for persevering, and for protecting our relationship as tenaciously as i do, even if not quite so....vocally....
Thank You for allowing me to continue blogging in this vein. i am identifying so many things about us, about You, that i think i took for granted, or at least never took time to think about before now. My love and appreciation for You is intensifying daily. Thank You, my Master.
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