Merry Christmas

Wishing all my blog friends a very Merry Christmas!

We don't have big plans, only a quiet family time, and time actually and completely off work for me (hopefully), something that i haven't had in a while now. Both of the clients i am fully responsible for are with family for the holiday weekend, at least, and the secondary clients... well, only one of them may need me and that will be only if someone who is scheduled to work doesn't show up. That has happened fairly often lately though, so i am keeping my fingers crossed about that.

So, on that note, i am going to make candy with my daughter, sing off-key carols with a loving and grateful heart, and thoroughly enjoy my Christmas!

Buon Natale, Padrone, and Merry Christmas everyone!

Holidays and happiness

I love this time of year. It has nothing to do with a peaceful heart or family or any such thing, but it is a very personal, and very spiritual, time of year for me. As a Christian, i love feeling the emotions that are enhanced during this holiday season, because of the love of a God i have the honor of knowing and being known by.

i know that the date of the celebration of the birth of Christ was set due to pagan celebrations that happened at the same time (as were most Christian days of celebration). Frankly, that doesn't matter in the least - who cares what the actual date of the birth of Christ was? It is the celebration of it that matters to me, and to most of the people i know.

For my Christian friends and family, this time of year allows us to reflect upon the joy and peace that we believe is ours because of our faith, which is based upon the birth, life, death, and ultimate resurrection of the one we call the Christ. The celebration of his birth creates a very real, very pure, very strong sense of renewal within me. i love feeling this way, deeply appreciative of what i have been given....more giving towards others as a result.

Here are a couple of pictures that were taken by one of my children, of some of the ornaments on my tree. i love them, and i hope you do too!

Padrone, i love You.

Who are we, really?

And I made a couple more A's in my two classes this semester! Not bad for an old lady, huh? I'm really enjoying taking these classes, which kind of surprised me. But i think i am now old enough that a lot of the things i am supposed to be learning are things i have already learned and am now simply fitting them into an academic setting. There is a lot to be said for life experiences, that's for sure.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post here, and Padrone and i have talked a lot about philosophical issues. Greengirl has made me think about roles and definitions thereof, and a discussion in the chat room we frequent got me thinking about limits, pushing them, and emotional security. i've really been trying to decide what to type here, and i think i'll just start typing and let it flow naturally. Follow along, if you can - lol.

First, about roles. i am an extremely submissive woman. That is my personality, it is how i behave much of the time, and it is definitely a highly regarded trait by Padrone. But that does not define who i am or what i do or how i live in its entirety. It does not tell the entire story of *me*.

I tend to have a problem with people who portray D/s as the only dynamic in their lives. Some people present every aspect of their lives as revolving around "Master" and "slave". Control and obedience. Dominance and subservience. I mean, some take this to the extreme that if the "Master" is in any way unhappy, the "slave" is punished even if she has no clue why she is being held responsible!

i make Padrone happy, not out of fear of punishment if he isn't, but rather because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, y'all, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy, because...a happy Master owns better! (sorry, i had to go there, Padrone!)

But it is true. The happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him (hehehe). No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, we would act in this manner anyway.

Why is that? Well, it is simply because that is who we are. It doesn't matter if Padrone has the label of "Dominant" or not, frankly, because he is going to control and take responsibility and make decisions anyway. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

And it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, our relationship, or each other. We are who we are, and we act freely based on the emotional security we have found in our relationship that allows us to become vulnerable to each other.

Which is a topic for another day. Maybe i am naive or just too...i don't know, irreverent of all things D/s or something, but i don't believe all i read online, not even in many of the blogs i read. i don't believe that every waking moment of every day can be devoted to a D/s type of mindset, although i do believe that someone can live a life with strong characteristics found in a role in D/s. i don't believe that what one calls onesself is important, nor is a contract or any of the "trappings" that others deem "necessary" in D/s. We have rules in our relationship, yes, but it is because of a wish of how Padrone wants to feel, or wants me to feel, far more than because we're "supposed" to have rules in a D/s relationship.

It is as Padrone says...throw "the book" out. Nobody can do D/s according to the expectations of others, or by using their guidelines or their relationship as an example. "The book" is filled with those sorts of expectations, and that is a very destructive mindset to have. i am grateful that he and i found each other after he had thrown the book out the window, that's for sure!

Padrone, i love You, and i am Yours, no matter what You are called or what You call me. You are more than Master to me, Padrone. You are my friend, my lover, my love, my man. You are the perfect fit for this woman, and i am deeply grateful that You value me equally as much. i am truly blessed.

Thankfulness

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and to my other friends the same, even if you don't celebrate the holiday that we do, a time of thanksgiving is usually a good thing.

This year, i have been amazingly busy lately and that is good. i'm learning about how to direct a company, so that when we have the official startup on Jan. 1, i will be ready. Or that's the plan at least - lol. We have a board meeting in a couple of weeks, where things will be made official and i will get to speak in my "director-to-be" mode for the first time, officially. It will be made public to both the public and the employees, some of whom aren't quite as excited at the prospect as i am, i must say! It will all work out, and i am smiling as i type this, knowing just how nervous i will become the closer to Dec. 11 it gets.

But lately i have been thinking a lot about a couple of things, one of which seems directly related to the holiday that we Americans are celebrating today. Thankfulness. Gratitude.

i had what i considered a pretty profound thought, and i put it on my "non D/s" facebook as my status this morning:

A thankful heart breeds an humble spirit. I wish you a life of thankfulness.

This was the culmination of several days' worth of "behind the facade" pondering. i've been thinking lately, since Padrone made a rather wonderful statement about how he views me, about what makes me remain so devoted to him. i mean, we don't have the ideal situation for most people, although it isn't totally negative for us. Living an ocean apart is challenging for any relationship, though, as i think anyone might admit. It would be so easy to get lax about serving, and so easy to try to deceive if i did. And i do realize that part of what makes us work is our individual personalities, needs, integrity, and availability.

And so i wondered what else might factor into our success, our happiness. Because we are happy, in a deep, abiding, fulfilling way that only "real love" or whatever can bring.

And i realized that it is because we both know that what we have is rare, and we tend to take time to reflect on our lives, our relationship, each other, and be grateful. It isn't a conscious choice, and sometimes it just kind of hits out of the blue, but we don't take each other for granted...or we try hard not to at least.

Living a life of thankfulness is so different than the typical mindset portrayed in D/s circles of "thank your Master for everything, because you would have/do/be nothing without his permission". That, in my opinion, is a load of crap. i am who i am, and while being Padrone's has taught me to become better, stronger, and more pleasing, it is built on the foundation of *me* that *i* brought into the mix. Padrone had no part in creating me, nor has he consciously molded me into some fantasy slave.

As far as having nothing or doing nothing without Padrone's permission, maybe in theory that could be perceived as being correct. But in reality, i live in another country, have a job, a house, a car, and two kids who depend upon me financially (for the most part, although they both work themselves as well, i pay the bills). i had each of those things when we entered this relationship, and so what? Am i supposed to sign my car over to him, or whatever? No, as a matter of fact, Padrone wants me to buy a more reliable one as soon as i can - lol. It isn't an order, or me having to wait for his permission before buying one (i will, because i know he will ask me questions i haven't thought to ask, and help me make a wise decision). So i have things without his permission. i did "before", i do now, and unless i am sadly mistaken i will in the future as well, simply because of how deeply Padrone respects me. And i also realize that if he chose, he could take what i have, and so there is an element of gratitude that he is the type of Master he is, in my mix of thankfulness.

And as far as doing things, again, we live a freaking ocean apart. We aren't in constant contact. We can't text each other's phones, and so if Padrone is not at his computer (which he is a good part of the day but not always of course), then i might end up asking permission to do something and sitting and waiting for hours before he sees my text and answers it! Totally unrealistic! And of course, i have a job, school, and family obligations that aren't really debatable in terms of whether i do them or not, even if some of it is optional (i only went back to school because Padrone said i could, for instance, and so the inflexibility of my schedule is both with his permission and now out of his control).

So, if it isn't a matter of the "traditional" D/s "gratitude" that i am talking about, what is it?

i am just deeply thankful to have Padrone in my life. i am grateful that he is the kind of man he is, loving, kind, easygoing, teasing, tormenting, rigid when he wants to be, controlling, cruel when he needs to be, and who values me highly no matter what.

Every time i think of him, it seems i have something to be thankful for. And that thankfulness has spread into many, many areas of my life. i don't have to look for, to find, things to be thankful for. i don't feel a need to list them, to prioritize them, to account for them. i don't even need to think of them in any concrete way. They make themselves known to me, because my entire attitude has shifted to finding things i am grateful to have in my life, from a car that runs (most of the time), to my daughter's thoughtfulness to a Wal Mart door greeter, to a son who is working long hours to help ease my burden, to a Master...my man...who has taught me how to love and be loved.

Padrone, on this Thanksgiving Day, although You don't celebrate it, i want to say just how much having You in my life has meant to me. You have helped me become a better woman, simply by accepting me when i wasn't so good and showing me a better me. i am grateful beyond words, to be the woman You love. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Quick update, etc.

I just realized that i haven't typed here in a while now, but to be honest i have worked a TON of hours, and combining that with school means that something has to give. Lately, apparently, it has been my blog.

i've already gotten one promotion in my new job, and changed projects so i have better hours. The work is not difficult, it is more focus-intensive, which means that i have to be diligent and watchful all the time. One of the projects i work is far easier than the other, in terms of diligence required, and if there was only internet available so i could do my schoolwork or entertain myself during "down time", life would be better!

But it is what it is, and that's not a bad thing overall. I am learning a TON about the company, from figuring how much to pay everyone, to scheduling, to finding grant money (not learning to write grants yet, though, and not sure i really want to!), to everything in between. Haven't learned about billing this particular way, but i have been involved in hiring and even firing - or rather, telling someone they would have to be retrained and them resigning instead. :)

It's taken a lot of time, though, and will continue to take more. When i asked Padrone if it was too much, if it took too much away from him, his response was "of course not, i own the boss!"

i love that man!

i've been reading blog posts recently that have given me a lot to think about. i realize i am in a totally different circumstance than many people are, in that i don't live with my Master. But i am absolutely committed to him, and surrendered to him, and owned by him. He has as much authority in my life as he would if we lived together, and the limitations on the expression of that authority exist only due to geography and safety issues. And the amount of submission required to obey and to please him is the same as if he were here with me.

And that leads me to what is kind of a recurring theme in my blog, from what i can tell. Submissives are those who have chosen to give authority over their lives to another. By doing so, we choose to surrender to the control they choose to take in our lives. Now, here comes the important part: making that choice does NOT make our lives all rosy and peachy-keen.

Sometimes it is HARD to obey. Obedience is nothing more than a show of submission, it is not the submission itself, imho. But obedience shows our submission, the affirmation of the choice we made. Of course we'll doubt that choice, and ourselves, and our Masters at times. If we didn't, we'd be foolish. Of course we'll question. Of course we'll disagree, and resist, and even rebel.

But, in the end, we obey anyway. Do it anyway. Even if we don't *feel* submissive, do it anyway. Even if we are exhausted, or if we're about to fall asleep, or we had planned on grocery shopping...do it anyway. Even if our hearts are filled with angst, do it anyway. The ACT of obedience, especially when we don't particularly *want* to obey or even to submit, is a very, very powerful expression of the D/s dynamic.

And yes, that's the second part of what i wanted to say. Sometimes we DON'T want to submit, to obey, to serve, to do domestic or menial tasks, to cook or clean or iron. And, unless *your* Master has won the lottery that *mine* is trying to win, chances are that you don't have a house slave either, so *someone* has to do these things. Unless you are one of the admirable women who love to do these kinds of tasks, it is hard to do more than....do it anyway. That's how i clean my house for myself, frankly, only because some things HAVE to be done, dishes and laundry topping the list.

And i'm sure i'll enjoy learning to make Padrone's coffee, but will i love to bring it to him every single time he wants it, even if i'm in the middle of doing something else and have to drop everything to do it? Of course not. i'll do it of course, but my mind will probably be on what i was doing, rather than on Padrone, and he'll probably be busy and all he'll care about is the coffee in his cup. My feelings, positive or negative, will make no difference to him. My obedience makes *all* the difference to him.

Padrone taught me a LONG time ago that feelings are what they are, but what matters most is actions. If we all acted as we felt, what kind of world would we live in? And if we only obeyed when we felt like it, what kind of surrender are we expressing? Or those are my thoughts at least...there are times when we have to bite the bullet, grin and bear it....do it anyway.

So i guess i could sum my own slavery up in a few words. Obey even when it isn't convenient. Give what i know pleases him. And even when i don't want to, do it anyway. And, love Him even if i don't love what He requires me to do.

Which is what counts most, after all.

i am gratefully, wonderfully, gloriously Yours, Padrone. Most definitely Yours.

Long Distance

i was asked a question via email asking for advice on training a long distance slave. i responded to her in a pretty basic way, and i am including what i typed to her here, but i have expounded upon it a little, trying to give a clearer picture of just how we got to the point we are now.

Being a long distance slave is not easy at all, especially when it involves different continents entirely. Being the Master in this type of relationship is equally difficult. It requires a lot of dedication, commitment, communication, trust, but most of all integrity, for it to work.

Or that is what we have experienced at least. i have to do as i am expected to do, even if i don't have to "prove" it, and so does Padrone. If either of us fails, then our relationship suffers. It's as simple as that - integrity breeds trust, which breeds the rest of the necessary elements for a successful relationship.

Training is not something that we engage in, though. What Padrone does is to look at my life, my circumstances, my personality, my job situation, my family...everything to do with how i live my life here, and he creates a framework of rules that are specific to me. In other words, he doesn't try to make me into the slave HE wants, rather he wants me as i am, and creates the perfect environment for me to live as his slave.

In other words, he shaped my life as his slave around my entire life. He doesn't expect me to go naked all the time, or much of the time even, since i have a daughter living with me. He doesn't expect me to spend hours and hours online, waiting for him to show up at his whim, because i have work and school and chores and such. He doesn't expect me to damage my body trying something new and exciting, because he is not here to take care of me if something goes wrong. He doesn't expect me to do extremely humiliating things because... he isn't here to take care of me if something goes wrong. And he can't expect me to change my entire life, to isolate myself, to make him my world...because that, my friends, is abuse in anybody's world.

He looked, learned about my life, and built a framework of rules and expectations that control me wonderfully, but do not set me up to fail. He took TIME to learn about how i life, who i interact with, and even what i wear, in order to form rules to free my life of freedom into a life of slavery.

He began extremely slowly, and gradually introduced rules into my life that i could follow without danger or extreme disruption to my life. What he values is my obedience - he does not believe that punishment is a necessary part of D/s ... or not a routine part at least. Yes, i am punished when i deserve it, but he *hates* to punish me and so has designed the framework of rules and expectations that are not impossible for me to follow, or don't require "jumping through hoops" for me to obey. He loves that i am able, and do, follow the rules he has in place for me, and the fact that i am able to, and do, follow them means that he has done his job quite well.

What was his job in that instance? Well, it was simply to insert his control into my daily life, in subtle and not so subtle ways. He did so by introducing rules into my routine *very* gradually, giving me time to get used to one rule before introducing any more. He thought about how i live, and gave me rules that require thought, remembering, active obedience, but which don't require danger, risk, or extreme inconvenience (now and then they might, but not as a regular thing).

Some Masters believe that the way Padrone controls me is "soft" or something. But i feel his control, my submission, every day, throughout the day, in many different ways. We don't have to be in contact for it to happen, which is good given how busy i am lately. But it is as real as his hand gripping my hair would be, and my will is as surrendered as if i were kneeling before him.

Padrone says to throw "the book" away. D/s cannot follow a uniform set of guidelines, or "book" of rules and regulations. As long as both participants are healthy, and HAPPY, in the relationship, then it is a positive thing. When either participant takes things to the extreme, it becomes unbalanced...and unbalanced = unhealthy.

What i mean by that is that *a submissive* can't go into this thing having expectations of how she wants him to "Master" her, but HE must also let go of the thought of *his* perfect slave, and take her as she is and .... draw her submission from her in ways that she can offer it, not in arbitrary, preconceived ways. i am not saying anyone is doing that, just saying that it is a common thing, especially for Masters but also for submissives....an unwillingness to let go of expectations and accept reality - especially in long distance relationships.

Being a slave is not always easy, no matter how submissive someone is, or how much she craves a life of being controlled. But a good Master will not structure a girl's slavery in a way that will make her miserable all the time. Padrone says that a happy slave serves better, which is his basis for the way he chooses to control me. And let's face it... even slaves should be happy in their relationships... otherwise, why bother?

But that's a topic for another day.

Padrone, i have learned a TREMENDOUS amount of D/s, and how individual it should be, from You. Being Your slave has been the most life changing event to happen to me since the birth of my children. Your framework of freedom has allowed me to live the controlled life i need, freeing me to become the best person i can be. You have freed this flower to bloom for You, my Master, and i am more grateful than "thank You" could ever express. i am Yours.

My favorite band, playing my favorite song

All i can say is ROLL TIDE!!! (Sorry if you don't follow American College football, much less the 2009 National Champion Alabama Crimson Tide....you're missing one of the finer things in life!)

Nothing new under the sun

Nor in my life either, it seems - lol.

I'm in limbo regarding jobs, but it is alright. I have gotten information about a job i need to call about, now that i am able to do so. I have been a sick woman this week. I feel much better today, thank goodness.

I've also been told a bit more about the promotion in the job i am working in currently. It would be a nice title, with responsibilities that I have no problem handling. I don't know pay or benefits though, but that could possibly become part of my job - to determine just what those are. It will be a new corporation, and I will be running it - not sure of my exact title, and the woman who began this company is going to be running the current one, offices in her home, etc, so i will have help and support, but i also have some ideas regarding how this company should be run, and while i don't know specifics or legalities in terms of billing and what services can be provided and such, i do know a little about organization and motivation (thank You, Padrone - lol) to be an effective business leader, especially in a small business.

Today is my son's 21st birthday, so I hope to go visit him later. We'll go to Olive Garden for dinner where he will buy his first *legal* glass of wine - lol. His father is actually going to help him fix his truck, which shocked me senseless, frankly. I haven't told son about that yet, it will be a nice surprise i think.

Daughter and I are planning another trip like we took in the spring, sometime around Halloween. It may work out that she can fly up there alone and stay with her boyfriend's family, while he stays next door with his grandpa, but we'll see. She's got a tiny little stubborn streak, although i can't *imagine* where it came from! It may not sit well with a controlling mother of a daughter's only-child boyfriend, though.

And yes, Padrone knows and has approved me going if that is how she decides. :)

Padrone and i have had more time together lately, mainly because i've been sick and unable to work. But because i've been sick it hasn't been as quality a time as it could have been. i'm glad to have had the time, even if i've been irritable as all get-out. Poor Padrone. :(

Padrone, i hope that we can have time to simply let cares slip away and have some privacy for one another, even if it is just to talk without wondering when we'll be interrupted. That sounds like a bit of heaven to me right now!

i long for the day when i can once again show how deeply You own me, and surrender to You in ways i haven't yet been able to do. I adore You, Padrone. Thank You for owning me so wonderfully, and so well.

Not such good luck

Well, my "long term sub" assignment was a week long, but it was a very good week. I feel quite affirmed that my goal of teaching is the right path for me, after spending time with the assumption that this was *my* classroom, and these were *my* kids. Yep, I'll be teaching again. :)

For now i'll go back to the job i had with the wonderful boss, and enjoy it until i do get a teaching job. It's not that i hate that job or anything, i quite enjoy it most of the time, actually. It's just that i honestly believe i am *meant* to be a teacher, and one day that will be the case. For now, all i can say is that they missed out on a wonderful teacher by not hiring me.

So, i'm back to having one job and taking two classes, so i'll have more time for my Master again.

No time for more, it's class time again.

Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. I am sorry, once again, for the roller-coaster week that this week has been, but i know You understand that this time there was nothing i could have done about it. Thank You for understanding and loving me through the tough times. i am Yours, so totally, and so wonderfully Yours.

Fingers crossed

I'm teaching!!! Well, as a long-term substitute for now at least. And I start tomorrow, so it is technically not true that I'm teaching now but ...

Tomorrow morning I'll be in a classroom, responsible for teaching 5th - 8th graders (10 years to 14 years old) in a small, rural school in my county. I was called on Friday afternoon and asked to sub in a long term position, starting Monday (leading me to believe that someone either quit suddenly or was fired, as there has been a teacher in this position since school started). I said "YES!!"

So it is my hope that there are lesson plans done for the next couple of weeks at least, and IEPs are up to date, and that I will only have to catch up with the lesson plans and learn the routine and the kids and implement things to make the class *mine*....before I have to make new lesson plans! But I'll do whatever I have to do, recruiting whatever help is necessary to do it and be successful at it.

I know that at least *part* of the reason I was asked to assume the position as a sub is because I am already on the sub list (thank goodness), and so there is no need to wait for the school board to approve me walking into the class. I would have to wait until the school board meets and approves my hiring as a teacher if I weren't on the sub list, and this way I can get into the classroom and have my foot in the door at least. I don't know if they'll hire me, but I got the distinct impression that they planned to, based on the discussion of standards and expectations for these students and the statement "we'll discuss that later" (talking about accomodations for the statewide tests, given in the spring of each year). So I get the idea that they plan to keep me around at least until then. :) But....i'm definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch here, and that's kind of kept me feeling a bit ambivalent for some reason. This summer, every time I have gotten excited about a job possibility, I have been disappointed. So I think I'm not getting excited now in an effort to curb any possible disappointment.

Oh yeah. Since the job I started last week had such a great and understanding employer, who literally gave me a job when I most needed one, I am going to try to work both jobs for a while, especially since the pay for a sub doesn't come CLOSE to the teacher's salary I will be getting eventually. So two jobs, and two classes, a son in college and working, a daughter in her last year of homeschooling and also working....a busy, busy schedule in my future, BUT...time for Padrone is high on my priority list, and He knows it because He placed Himself there! Well, it didn't require a lot of force to make me abide by that, believe me!

Ugh. I make my own head spin some days!

I have to go to sleep now, since I have to be at the school at 7 am. It's normally a 15 minute drive, but I'm driving my old, broken car, so I am going to drive slowly and carefully, and also give myself plenty of time in case parking is an issue.

Padrone, I hope that tomorrow I will be allowed to talk and talk and talk, because you know I'll be full of words for You. I am so happy, Padrone. Maybe, finally, it is happening. Maybe. Finally.

i adore You. i am forever Your grateful, devoted slave.

Unwritten

I've always liked this song, and today it kind of expresses what i'm feeling:








i have nothing to say, but a deep urging to express....something. i feel...unwritten.

i hate when i feel this way, sometimes, although knowing that the future is still out there, waiting to be experienced, is a comforting thought when i think of my potential.

Classes start again tomorrow night, and my new boss is absolutely wonderful, to the point of offering her home for me to be online for my classes, so i won't have to sit at McDonald's! i won't take her up on it because of how late the classes run, but it is such a drastic difference to have someone thoughtful and caring and encouraging as a boss, that the gestures mean so much. She is working around my schedule willingly, and making suggestions and offering hours with different projects so i can make as many hours as i can...what a difference!

Now if only payday will get here! ;)

She is about to begin training me on the paperwork/administrative end of the job as well, something i am excited about but which i won't tell others about just yet because i'm the new kid on the block and others have far more experience than i do - but not the education, which is the reason i'm being trained for administration. i kind of like that, you know? But there's no use rocking the boat, at least not yet anyway.

i wish i had words to say what i'm feeling right now. i wish i had some solitude and a vehicle to drive to spend time totally alone with Padrone whenever he wished it. i wish i was on high speed internet so i could turn skype on from home because i am alone for a little while now. i wish...i wish...

i'm not usually one, lately, to long for things i don't have. But maybe the fact that i have been working towards a goal with such intensity, and then the shifting gears of that work, has had an effect....or more of an effect than i expected. i wish i was teaching, plain and simple. i know i will enjoy the job i have now, for the most part. i know i will learn and grow and expand my abilities and knowledge and patience....and i am quite sure it will help me when i am in the classroom, dealing with diverse students who need different kinds of help. So i'm not begrudging the time i am spending where i am, and eventually who knows? My boss smiled when i told her of my ambitions and said "You would make a fine teacher, but you may never want to leave this type of work once you get into it." She may be right, but for now....i just want to be in the classroom, teaching.

So there is a yearning to do what i dream of doing. It had been so far stifled for such a long time that i didn't remember how strong it was. i am grateful for the return of the dream.

i'm not unhappy, not by any means! This is just a mood, a temporary down time where expectations have ebbed to a low point, and they will naturally rise again soon. i feel better simply typing my thoughts out, showing me where they actually are, to help me deal with them more easily.

Padrone, i also yearn to give more lately. i don't know what or how or when, but the yearning to...express the total surrender, again, has been rising within me in the past little while. i long for the intimacy that comes with being so opened, so vulnerable, so safely under Your control. i adore You, my Master. i am Yours.

Good feelings

I'm still floating.

Padrone used me today, pain, need, suffering...and i felt so amazingly LOVED through it all. Not what i was expecting, of course, but totally and absolutely wonderful.

Then we talked. The intimacy deepened.

I made some discoveries, i tried to express new things.

i felt some previously elusive thoughts come together and i smiled.

i can walk into any professional job and not only hold my head up because of any accomplishments i may have made, but also because of who i am. i can compete and succeed in a professional job.

Not such a big deal for some folks, and i'm sure some of you may be scratching your head wondering where this came from.

You know, it's just one of those things, i guess. But the reality is that i know i am ... well, still not good at talking about positives about myself, because it always sounds arrogant to my own ears. But i think that my next job interview will be a lot different than any i have ever had before, because i have a different attitude about myself and my abilities than i have ever had before.

It will make a ton of difference.

Padrone, as we talked about on the phone earlier...and one day i will try to blog about it...You have made a world of difference in my life. You haven't forced me to change my way of thinking, rather You have shown me the truth as You see it, in ways that made it unavoidable for me to admit, to accept, and finally to fully believe.

i love You more daily, even though it never seems possible. Mio Padrone.

An update, and a few thoughts as a bonus

I have a new job. It isn't teaching, although I am still looking for a teaching job. My new employer knows of my ambitions, and approves (she has her own disabled sons, and husband, as well as having a Masters in Special Education as well - she definitely understands my drive). What she has offered me is not what I hoped for, but there is room for advancement in her home-grown yet professional business. She said she has been looking for "someone like me" and I can't get into any more detail than that here. Needless to say I am ready to start on Tuesday.

This job will be far less stressful, far more relaxing, and FAR more rewarding, both personally and professionally, than where I was. That's no slap to my old job - someone HAS to do it and the type of person they usually hire are uneducated, sometimes ignorant and proud of it, types of folks. It was a truly dead end job, and while my new one is not what I hope to do forever, at least I feel as if I *could* do it for a long time, because of the advancement that is not just a possibility, but what *will* happen.

Padrone, i haven't even told *You* this yet, but my new employer is going to let me work with her two disabled sons at her home, where the office is, and where the things she will be training me in also are. Yay!

This is not one of those pie in the sky promises, although of course we haven't discussed any kind of pay rate change as I advance - it will happen. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I am still planning on taking a couple of classes as well, but with the reduced stress of the job I am working, as well as the longer semester in which to learn the same amounts of material, the pressure will be far less than it was over the summer.

So the next few weeks will bring about more changes, but I no longer feel as if I am spinning my wheels. I am grateful for that, believe me!

And I've kind of revisited the reason for my blog. I've been neglecting to write here much, mainly because of time. But I also kind of wanted to make sure of my own motives in writing here.

I don't play the numbers game. I look at them now and then - number of followers, number of page visits, etc. And now and then I look to see where folks live that are visiting my blog. I find that interesting, actually...and how they found me. Usually it's through a link on another blog, or maybe from my profile when I've commented on someone's blog, and now and then via a google search. (Usually I'm found with keywords regarding humiliation of some sort...I guess I've typed that a lot or something - lol)

But numbers mean nothing to me. I mean, they don't even mean "little", they mean nothing. I love getting comments, and I love hearing from folks who read my blog and maybe understand me a little, since I have nobody in my "real life" that I could ever talk with about any of this. I would love to develop deeper friendships with some of the folks I've gotten to know through blogging.

But the harsh reality is that I write here for me, and for Padrone. It is a public blog, yes. I am more careful how I word things or how I present my ideas and thoughts, and I also spend more time explaining things happening in my life that Padrone already knows than I would if others didn't read it, but maybe not...I've kind of always done that, because this is a place for me to put things into perspective and try to express fleeting things in concrete terms.

I read others' blogs. I am interested in how others live their lives as submissives and slaves. I smile with the recognition of myself in some of you, and I am amazed at what are stumbling blocks for others. We are all unique, and what is easy for some of you may bring me to my knees (figuratively, get your mind out of the gutter!). What you struggle with may come more easily to me. But I don't judge, and I don't compare, and I don't type things here with any thoughts of anyone else in my mind, typically.

I type here what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing. This place is all about me, my relationship with my Master, my thoughts, my emotions, my history, my life. I know it's boring at times (no comment, Padrone - lol). I know it is self centered. But it is real, it is honest...it is me.

And, again, as harsh as it may sound...I don't type here to please anyone but myself. Even Padrone says "it's your blog, type what you please".

So, please understand, what I type here may sound simple to you, it may sound backwards or even not submissive. And my personality is quite complicated, and a bit needy. I'm not like others, our relationship is not like others, and my blog...well, it just won't be like others either.

And I kind of like it that way.

Padrone, thank you for helping me gain the confidence to understand all of what I just typed. I'm quite lucky, and very, VERY blessed, to be yours. The feeling seems to be renewed every day, and I am filled with joy, pure and simple, because of you. I do adore you, my Love. Grazie.

Happy Birthday Padrone!!!

No insightful or thoughtful message from me today. No gifts to give. No exciting or well thought-out words.

Only your slave, offering all you already own.

Padrone, what can i give that you don't already have? (even a helicopter, sheesh!)

What can i offer that you don't already own?

What can i express that you don't already feel?

All i can do is to open my heart, my very soul, to you...again...

Io sono il Suo fiore del sud.

A Bit of Bittersweet

So i've been thinking lately, something that should scare anyone but you can't say i didn't warn you!

The week after i finished my schoolwork, i experienced so many dramatic and totally unexpected emotions that i was quite .... wasn't at all prepared to deal with.

For instance, the most shocking to me (which shouldn't have been, knowing my personality and my needs) was that i couldn't take as much pleasure or feel as proud of myself over my accomplishments as i might have expected to do. Why, you ask? Well, see...i was EXTREMELY busy with those classes and of course my boss, who didn't want me to inconvenience her scheduling by going back to school anyway, piled the hours on me, only to reduce them again once i finished my school.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i am very glad i accomplished something i have longed dreamed of doing, and in such a positive manner as well. i am truly gratified that my professors seemed to like and respect me, and think i will make a good teacher. i very much enjoyed getting to know new folks, and to feel as if i belong in the group of new teachers as well as those who were going for their Masters and even EdD. It felt so good to learn and to explore and to see my own thoughts and philosophies regarding education gel into a more concrete thing, and to be validated by a successful teacher as well. I enjoyed school, i enjoyed the challenge, the gratification, the validation of my intelligence and work ethic. And when i saw 3 As as my grades, it made me glow, don't get me wrong!

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i worked hard when i worked. i am one of the more dependable employees, and one of the hardest working ones, and i didn't slack no matter how busy i was. i even went in on days when i had class to help when i was needed. i worked when others quit, longer hours than i was scheduled to work, and i worked when i was sick or exhausted or had my mind on school. And i did it, and even though the manager isn't one to praise anyone, *i* know i did a good job and *i* know that i would do it again if i had to.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i don't feel like a failure as a slave or as a woman, please don't get me wrong. i knew going into this that i would not be as available as i had been before, and while i hoped to be working at a school now and have a different set of circumstances, it hasn't worked out that way quite yet and all the emotions are a major roller coaster sometimes. i thought that we would have to continue to adjust immediately after i finished school, to a new routine, possibly including a long car drive, which would mean long hours of unavailability during the times he is awake. Maybe part of what i am feeling is due to the hope, the knowledge, that the adjustment will happen eventually, whether sooner or later i don't know but it *will* happen.

i'm marking time right now. i feel as if i am spinning my wheels, as if i have accomplished nothing. And when one looks at the job i had then and that i have it still, one might make that kind of statement in truth. Sometimes i can't help but to focus on that, since i am not fond of my job and i'm very tired of being totally bored at work. So it is easy to think about the fact that i spent a lot of time and energy on school and i'm still working at the same place i was. So in one way it is easy to focus on the wheel-spinning aspect. And yet i know that i have accomplished a lot personally and some professionally and that a door will open for me to move into the career i long for, and that it is just a matter of time before that happens. At least i am getting to practice my patience. :)

But....i'm not meeting Padrone's needs as fully as i believe he would like. This is my perception, nothing that he has said or done to make me feel that way, but i still believe it is a true statement.

So i feel as if i wasn't as successful as i hoped to be this summer. i KNOW Padrone is so very proud of me, that is not even a shadow of a doubt in my mind. i KNOW he is happy for the newfound confidence in my intelligence and ability to make good grades, and my realization of it. i KNOW he is glad i did it, not just giving permission for it but truly happy that i did this thing this summer.

But i know that he had needs that went unmet. i am deeply grateful and very gratified that he didn't feel the desire to seek out someone else to meet them. That is how we met, but i will say that his then-slave was offline totally for over a month, and with no contact whatsoever it would be very difficult NOT to have your needs met by someone else. Their relationship was nowhere near as stable, as firm, as committed, or as happy as ours is either. But that was then, and this is now, and no...Padrone didn't look elsewhere for someone to meet his needs.

But that meant that he had deep, strong needs. And i didn't meet them.

So what i feel now is a sense of pride, of happiness, but also a very real sense of bittersweet. The night before i finished all of my assignments, the night when i thought i would have been done based on the schedule, he gave me a peek into the need he had been carrying around for weeks. It didn't scare me as much as it worried me whether or not i would be able to handle all he needed to give, or to give all he needed to take. i began to worry about that, a lot, after seeing that peek into his extremely harsh side. And yes, i began to dread the time when that first use would happen.

We talked about it, eventually, and it was a difficult conversation (me crying, overemotional, not really sure what was wrong, but knowing i had a problem, him having no clue what was going on and not understanding my words through my tears). i am glad we did, and yes he has since used me although not in the harsh way i expected, and which i still expect and think it might be quite difficult for me. i'm not complaining, but i will say as i have said to Padrone - i will be glad when the first harsh use after his need was so strong for it, has happened already.

i don't know if any of this made any sense or not, but it's the best i can do to try to explain the unexpected, yet understandable, bittersweet emotions that i feel regarding what i did this summer.

Padrone, please don't misunderstand. i no longer dread the use, but i expect it to be deep, painful, harsh, and what i dread most is that i honestly believe you need the disconnection that happens sometimes when you express your dominance so powerfully. You have given and given and given to me this summer, and it is time for me to give back to you all you need. It NEEDS to be all about you, and i hope i can give enough, can take enough, to meet the very deepest need you have.

i am one very, very blessed woman, to be able to call myself Yours. Ti adoro, mio Padrone.

Whew

Well, i'm finished with those classes, and i passed them with straight As. :) i'm proud of that particular accomplishment, and i freely admit that without Padrone's help it would not have been possible. i mean real, tangible, point-me-in-the-right-direction-cos-i'm-about-to-give-up kind of help. He didn't know specifics about my studies, but he did know how to show me the trees instead of the forest, so that i could move beyond being totally overwhelmed and begin to work on the major projects that were freaking me out, step by step and bit by bit. He calmed me down when i called him in tears, more than once.

i am blessed to have a Master who is highly intelligent, intuitive, logical, and can help show me things in an objective way that helps me to see the trees instead of the forest.

i still haven't found a teaching job yet, and since i haven't taken the GRE either, then i can't get into graduate school, so i am thinking seriously of taking some courses on the undergraduate level this semester for a couple of reasons. One, i could learn more about what i plan to teach, and two, i can keep my brain fresh, and practice the technology that is so important in schools today.

Padrone and i will talk more about that when i have better information. :)

Anyway, there is so much more i want to say, but alas, work is bellowing (again). i am so relieved to have these classes finished. They were FAR more intense and stressful than even *i* imagined, and the relief is HUGE to know that i did so well in them!

Padrone, thank You for the immense patience You showed me, both while i was in school and since then. Thank You for allowing me time to recover mentally and emotionally. Thank You for the strong, loving way You reestablished the dynamic, as we talked about before. i am so incredibly blessed to be Yours, my Padrone, and i strive to give You all i can to show my gratitude to the most wonderful Master for me that could ever be found.

i love You.

Five years and counting

Five years ago today, Padrone placed a virtual but very real collar on my neck, and in my heart. i honestly can not begin to imagine life without this man at the helm of it.

i have not been able to let him know lately how i feel about him. i know it is always there, always expressed to a degree, but we have truly spoiled each other and when one of us is unavailable for whatever reason, it is a major hardship for the other. Lately, of course, i've been incredibly busy and focused on school. Yes, we both wanted this to happen, and yes, we both knew it was going to be difficult going in.

He really has been wonderful throughout this time. i have been so blessed, you know. i know it, i admit it, i accept it, i embrace it. And sometimes, sometimes, i take it for granted.

i hate that he has had unmet needs for quite some time lately. i hate that i have had to delay meeting those needs if i wanted to be successful in this endeavor. i hate it more than he knows. i hate it more than i can express. i feel incredible guilt most times i do things for myself, and even moreso with this particular situation because i don't "better" myself well.

That is for another post, however. i hope to be finished with all my schoolwork later tonight, so hopefully i will get to blog more soon.

Padrone, You have changed my world in dramatic and subtle ways. You have changed me. You have changed my future and my outlook on life. You have changed my behavior and my mentality. You have changed the way i think, the way i react, the way i perceive what is going on in my daily life.

i can never express how dependent upon You i have become, how much i need You, and how deeply surrendered to You i am. You have literally become the center of my world.

So many words to describe our life and the way i feel about You and being Yours, but nothing can ever express any of those things. Those words sound trite and bland compared to what we have, Padrone, no matter how honored i am to be able to say i am Your woman. You, Padrone, have literally taken a broken, hopeless person and turned her into the woman You own. How could i ever express the depths of the emotions You evoke?

The past five years are only a prelude to the rest of our lives. i can think of nothing fulfilling than being Yours forever. i love You. i am Yours.

Flying Colors

Yep, that's how i passed that particular test! i'm SOOOOOOO relieved!!!! It really *was* one of those tests that could have gone either way. And come to find out (after every person in the class emailed her about a particular question, and she told us basically "suck it up and get it") that the graph didn't print correctly, so we really DIDN'T have all the data we needed to answer the questions asked. Somehow that felt good too, just deeply relieved...she ended up throwing out that question, and will show us the correct graph and we'll discuss the answer in class Thursday night, and i'm glad to know that too!

So now i'm really beginning to focus more on what happens when i'm finished with these classes. i HOPE to find a teaching job, but they're pretty scarce around this area this year. i haven't given up hope by any means, but i am aware of the possibility that i may not be able to teach until NEXT year. i also haven't given up hope of a mid-year teaching job either, so i'm kind of not wanting to burn any bridges....and yet....the possibility of returning to school full time for my Masters is highly appealing to me now. I'd really love it if i could get a graduate assistantship as well, but i don't know how many positions there are and how many openings there might be for those positions. i plan on checking on it tomorrow.

i also found out that the county north of me has an opening for a 4H agent, and i would qualify for that job. i'm applying for it too, and if i get it, then i go in that direction for a while at least. To be honest, at this point, i'm ready to take any professional job i can get (and feel that i would be happy working in - i *am* picky, even if i have a wide variety of interests and i'm not limiting myself to teaching and refusing to look at other options of any sort.

My hope is that one day i'll work for a year teaching special education, get my 5 year license, and then i could teach at the state school, making 10K per year more than in the public schools, and in a fun environment as well. BUT, working with 4H would be fun too, except i know nothing about some of the things that many agents know about - it's alright though, because nobody knows about everything!

i plan to spend time over the next few days job hunting, applying for school, and finishing work for my portfolio in one class, and other end-of-class assignments for the other two classes. It really is winding down now, and while i'll be as busy as ever, there is breathing room and light at the end of the tunnel now.

Padrone, as expected, has been absolutely wonderful, as usual. i know it sounds as if i take him for granted so often, but just know that i never could. i lived too long with someone who kept me so far down that i honestly doubted my ability to do any of this, even to figure out where to start. Padrone's absolute encouragement has been my beacon, and i get so emotional when i think of how much he gives me and doesn't even realize it...

Padrone, i'm saving the "mushiness" for an after-school post. i've told You repeatedly, though, how much Your encouragement, support, and putting aside Your own needs for a while, not to mention the help with my website, has meant to me. i adore You, and i am, always, Your enslaved love.

Finally a breather

But not for long, of course - lol.

A brief update about school. It's been really difficult. Not the material itself, rather the workload on top of working all the hours i am working at my job. i had never done a power point presentation before, but i'm not a ppt virgin anymore! i have learned how to submit an assignment on the computer program they wanted, and i have scanned and emailed assignments, learned about APA formatting, and am becoming best friends with my printer. It's been really amazing that the biggest difficulty i have faced in the sheer VOLUME of work they expect, along with learning how to present what i know. i really expected a different set of difficulties but they haven't really been an issue so far.

The test i did over last weekend was though. i'm not even gonna comment on it until i know how i did. It's one of those things that could go either way, and i have absolutely no way of guessing which way it *will* go.

Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through all of this. i am reminded daily of how lucky i am to be His slave. Our relationship is based on D/s of course, and i do still live within the framework (as best i can, Padrone has told me to do my best, so the things that i struggle with, i have simply left off, like remembering to tell Him what i spend every day)...and i know that's a way of showing my submission, but of course we both need more. It is easier for me since i have school taking up so much of my mental energies, and Padrone would never demand anything of me right now. But i hate that HIS needs aren't being met very well. i know He expected it, and i know He is alright with it, it is just the submissive part of me that hates knowing that He puts His needs aside for a time so that i can fulfill a dream. Yes, i know He is doing His job in taking care of me and making sure i am happy and moving forward in life. But i am going to serve Him soon, that i assure you.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how this man, who has never met me and who lives across the ocean, could be so important in my life. i'll blog about that when this is done and i can do it justice, but for now i will simply say that Padrone is the perfect man for me, and deserves all i can give Him, and i will give Him all i have and all i am.

Right now, i'm horny but more for the absolute surrender that comes from being totally controlled, than for actual sex. i need to beg and scream and plead....for pain, for pleasure, for whatever YOU need, Padrone. God i need to give all of myself to You soon...very soon.

Padrone, thank You. Halfway there now, with a few big projects to go, and thank You for the website, as well, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, and You have no idea how much i appreciate Your help and support and encouragement, and patience (which i know has been tried often lately). i adore You, and am so gratefully and wonderfully Yours.

Still Here, kinda

i've been reading blogs, now and then, but school is kicking my butt and i have NO time to post. Just wanted y'all to know i haven't disappeared.

i'll be back, eventually. Can't say i didn't warn ya!

Memorial Day

In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)


In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Is a 4 year old (blog) still a baby?

i have been blogging for 4 years now! It's amazing to think that it was so long ago when i began this blog, and to think of all that has happened to me, to Padrone, to us and to our families and lives since then.

Four years ago i hadn't even been collared a year yet! Now it's almost 5...just wow. i have let it slide and not typed here as often as i meant to when i first began, and i know i have been redundant at times, but overall i think it's a very real and revealing snapshot of how i have changed in the past few years...something i naively didn't expect to see when i began this blog.

Padrone, i'm glad You enjoy my words, that's for sure!

i love You, my Master.

P.S.

Sometimes being a slave is not easy.

i love You, Padrone.

What, me worry?

Well, one week from now i will have completed my first class on campus, the first class i have taken in 24 years. Should be...interesting. Yes, i'm getting nervous about it, and feeling more and more challenged and....yes, terrified of failure...as the days pass. Oh well, i know i'll make it, i just worry about at what cost.

See, lately i've had connection problems with my tethering program, or my blackberry, or the cell signal, or something. Doesn't matter what, it just matters that i have been on and offline, sometimes several times, during the times we have had together lately. And my daughter has let the cordless phone die, and "can't find it" now. And i had to do something to make the connection more stable, so i got dialup again. i hate dialup. i wanted satellite internet, but it wasn't an option. So i'm back in the dark ages again.

But i'm having a difficult time within myself (sounds stupid i know), because Padrone's patience ran totally out with my lack of availability given my connection problems, and that makes me worry a lot about his patience when i can't be online because of a paper due, or the need to study, or work, or drive, or whatever. Or maybe the worry isn't when one of those things happens, but when it happens time and time again.

i KNOW he understands that i'll be getting a lot busier soon, but these classes are really going to eat into our time - not only the classes themselves, but the fact that any homework or assignments or studying for tests will have to be done around classes AND a work schedule, AND our time together, AND parenting, AND son with classes, AND daughter with job, and....

i don't know how i am going to do it, not at all.

And given the fact that when Padrone has wanted to use me, i have had connection issues, and when it's been more stable he hasn't wanted to use me, yet he still gets rather....impatient....when i'm not available for use when he wants it....i worry.

i worry about how *i'll* handle it if he gets impatient with me for not being available, knowing that i could have taken one or two classes this summer, and waited until next summer to take the rest. Or i could have taken it all online this fall, but over a longer time period. And yes, Padrone did look over the options i had, and this option will be the best in terms of several factors, not only the speed with which i can get certified. He is the one who had the final say in this, i know that intellectually.

i just know that last night i was reprimanded for not already having had dialup, and it was stormy weather and i was knocked offline and it was quite frustrating because Padrone wanted to use me and it wasn't possbile. So i spent an hour or so finding a dialup service for my local area, and finally got signed up for it. When i got online this morning, there was nothing. No comment whatsoever, nothing to indicate that he was glad, or that it was about time, or even acknowledging that i had done what i was supposed to do, even after he got upset that i hadn't already done it last night. (i was hoping to stay with a local company, which had limited office hours, which is why the delay - but i went with a national one after all, to expedite things... and that's why i hadn't already done it, btw, because lack of time when they were open.)

i was pretty disappointed, frankly. i know i was only disappointed because i had hopes of at least a comment. But when i mentioned that i was on dialup, i got a nod in reply.

i worry about what happens this summer when i bust my butt to make things easy for him, and routine and all the things i always *try* to do (which aren't always noticed unless i fail in my efforts, like with the connection issues)....i worry about my own reactions if that kind of thing is taken as his due.

i know i know. It IS his due. That's what i signed up for. i do realize that, intellectually. And i AM the one who signed up for it all...the relationship, the job, the school, the kids, all of it. All my choice, so nobody to blame but myself if i struggle, and if i fail. It's not Padrone's responsibility to acknowledge anything i do, and maybe i'm spoiled because he does at times recognize that things aren't always easy for me. But lately, i think he needs the physical expression of my submission and surrender to him, and it hasn't happened in quite some time, and so the fact that i did that last night maybe *was* something that he just needed me to do to express that surrender, i don't know.

All i know is that i am going to be stretched thinner than i ever have since we've been together (except when i had surgery, but that was a different situation entirely, definitely NOT a choice there), and even what my seem like small gestures, or routine things, may take a LOT of focus to make happen. i know that. i'm prepared for it. i guess i just....hope Padrone understands it as well.

i'm really nervous and worried, you know.

And...what use is there in worrying, or in whining, or in borrowing trouble? i think i'm kind of latching onto something "concrete" to validate my worries, maybe. But i really am concerned that i won't be able to give all things to all people while i am...finally...giving to myself as well. It may be the guilt that i feel that will create the problem, to the point that i sabotage myself in my classes. It may be that my daughter loses out because i have given too much to my son. It may be that i begin to resent Padrone. It may be that i begin to hate myself for not knowing how to do anything without giving all i have to it, even parenting.

And it may be that i cuss a customer out and get fired - lol.

All i know is that i am worried. i am excited for what the future holds, and yet i am extremely worried about getting through the "fire" of this summer, first.

Sorry for the whiny-butt, worry-filled post.

Padrone, this summer will try your patience far more than the recent connection problems did, by far. i just hope and pray that it won't be too hard, Padrone. Please, please hang in here with me, and please...just know i will do my very best in all things, to juggle all the "balls" i'll have going on, and to make sure that if anything is done poorly, it isn't our relationship. This, too, shall pass, eventually. i am sorry, Padrone.

Well, Hello Again

It's been a while since i typed here, not from lack of desire to do so, but from lack of time mostly. i've been working and finalizing everything i needed to do for school, AND applying for jobs and i've even had one interview at least!

i've still got some emotions "simmering" from the last deeply humiliating time with Padrone. It was something i did that i had imagined doing many, many times. It was always interesting, harsh, humiliating, degrading, emotional, difficult, humiliating, and....did i mention humiliating?

This one "got" me. i can't deal with all the emotions right now, i have FAR too much on my plate. It will eventually surface and have to be dealt with, but i sincerely hope it won't be anytime soon. i like when emotions are calm. We both love when things are "boring".

Son is home from school, waiting for time for his own online classes to start. Daughter is studying for her college entrance exam, and i'm getting "antsy" to begin my classes. For Mother's Day i got a new messenger bag, large enough for a laptop as well as the books i'll need for any given class. i have orientation this week, and hopefully i can get my books and supplies then. i'll have to check and see if my Tuesday night class will begin on the 1st or if it will be the following week.

i'm nervous and excited and anxious and ready!

EXCEPT for the fact that i honestly believe it will be something that will affect our relationship...or maybe it will just affect the time we have to spend together. i really hope it doesn't, but i know me, and i know how .... single minded i can become. i hope Padrone is ready for lots of discussions about special ed, and classroom management!

We've not had a lot of time to spend specifically devoted to the D/s aspects of our relationship lately, but it's still there. Sometimes it's just the latency that makes it so more special when the D/s comes to the forefront. This man, this man is such a wonderful, wonderful man.

i am so lucky. This man that owns me is one of the most understanding people i have ever met. He loves that i am pursuing my dream, even though it may mean a bit of stress in our relationship, and in my life, for a time. He encourages me, supports me, makes sure i make the time to do what i am supposed to do, and i know he'll be the same way with my school. i know he'll make sure i've studied or done my papers or whatever. Two nights a week our time will be either nonexistent or earlier than usual - not a major problem but an adjustment. i guess that's what i know will have to happen - lots of adjustments.

And i feel incredibly guilty for it - for all the adjustments. Sometimes it seems as if our entire relationship has been a series of nothing more than adjustments, and they all come from my side. Stresses, changes, dramas, emergencies....adjustments...constantly, it seems like.

But i know Padrone doesn't mind - too much at least! He understands, accepts, and usually loves that my life is what he calls "interesting" *rolling eyes*. And here i have always thought i was nothing more than a country girl with a boring, boring life!

i'm ready, Padrone, for classes to begin. i'm ready to make the next step towards the future. i'm ready to find out about whether or not i got the job i interviewed for, or to find another one. i'm ready for things to settle, in a very, very good way, Padrone. i'm ready to teach, to make better money, to have a better schedule, to have more benefits. i'm ready to have more to offer You, Padrone, of myself, my heart, my time, my emotions. i long to give You all You deserve, my Owner, although i know that i will never ever accomplish that, no matter how hard i try. All i can give is what You already own - all of me.

Songs, school and sexy fun!

Another song or two of Padrone's, to begin this post:








i am SO excited about school! It starts in 3 weeks or so, and i think all my ducks are in a row - they have my transcripts, my applications, my fees are paid, AND i had to have a shot! (how the heck am i supposed to prove i had my MMR shot 1000 years ago??? and it was cheaper to be re-immunized than to have the test run to find out if i am already immune.) So there i went, and got stuck *sniff* and faxed *that* to them too!

i hope to find out about financial aid very soon, and then i'll decide whether or not i'll keep my job and try to work while taking 3 summer classes or not. i remember when i was a LOT younger, and in school for the first time, taking summer classes while working full time. But even then i had the sense to only take one at a time!

Can you tell i'm getting a wee bit nervous here?

i've found a neat blog that many of you may already know about, but cammie works quite hard to find pics and videos of free BDSM related things, and posts them regularly. It has to take quite a bit of time, and i admire her for her dedication. Check it out, as it really is squirm-inducing fun!

For now, i'm going to go talk with Padrone for a bit when he gets online, finish a bit of laundry, and work tonight oh joy.

All of you mothers have a wonderful, happy Mothers Day!

A New Leaf?

i've had several thoughts running around in my mind that i have wanted to type about here, but they would never "gel" into anything that i could communicate coherently...maybe because i still had some sort of unresolved issue regarding them, which i never realized because they seemed like two separate thought processes when in reality there was a thread between them that i was missing entirely.

And if you understand that, you deserve a gold star!

While i was gone on vacation, i did have the opportunity to talk with Padrone a couple of times, for which i am so deeply grateful. We usually have wonderful conversations when the mood strikes us - about our relationship i mean. (Of course about other things as well, but specific to my thoughts this time i mean relationship topics).

Maybe we are a bit different from other folks in D/s relationships, i don't know, but our first conversation was about commitment, and how important commitment is in any relationship, not just D/s...but that the commitment, if taken seriously, is the most important ingredient to a D/s relationship of any sort.

That sounds like a "well duh" kind of statement, and of course it is when taken at face value. But as is so often the case, actions really do speak louder than words. Feeling submissive, or Dominant, is only *part* of the equation of a happy relationship. It is as Padrone has told me throughout our relationship - feelings matter, of course, but actions are what matters most. In other words, if one is truly committed to their relationship and the role they play in it, then they'll do what is expected or required of them, even when they don't feel like it.

And yes, that goes for Dominants as well. As Padrone pointed out to me, there are times when he simply isn't in the mood to listen to me whine about my kids, my job, my lack of money, my fears, whatever, and yet he knows that, as my Master, it is something he "signed on" to do. He takes care of me in ways that i try hard not to take for granted but which i often don't realize at all - like that example. i apologize now and then for whining so much, but he usually brushes it off for the most part, so i never realized that there are times when he simply doesn't want to hear it.

Will that change my behavior? i doubt it, mainly because of two things...first, he has always, in the past, not let me talk if he didn't want me to (either by changing subjects, or using me, or some other tactic that prevented me from talking about things he didn't want to hear about), and second, because i do need to vent at times, and he is the natural and really the only one i have to vent to - who knows about all the "vent-worthy" details of my life at least.

And see....he is doing his "job" in our relationship, just as i am doing when i go to him for guidance or opinions or whatever (which is my way of describing my whininess - lol!)

If he only acted as he pleased, which is the misconception many people have about this lifestyle, then he wouldn't listen to me nearly as often as he does.

And of course the opposite side of the / is far more obvious when it comes to "doing it anyway". So many people focus on a slave's obedience to rules, and punishment for disobedience, that they forget that slaves are human too, and also that there is *far* more to a slave than an automatic obedience and adherence to rules.

i am so very, very lucky that Padrone has never lost sight of that about me, however. And that was the resultant affirmation of our conversation that night and the next morning as well... that it is due to my proven commitment to him, to our relationship, and to my role as his slave... so obvious to him....that allows him to (when circumstances warrant, or when i beg for mercy) feel alright about excusing me from consequences now and then. Case in point - the day before we left to go on vacation was very busy, as i am sure you could imagine. i missed a text, and as soon as i realized it, i sent one apologizing and saying that i would write the lines but i didn't have a clue when i could do it (they're due by my midnight, and i worked until 11:45 if i got off on time)....so he excused me from the lines, something he rarely does but which he felt was not any problem because over the years of my required hourly texts, i have missed so few texts that he knows how committed i am to doing it. It was a mistake, one of those things caused by circumstances that i couldn't prevent or avoid, and my past actions had shown that the only way i miss a text is due to being quite busy, or blogging (i just sent one for this hour, yay me!) or something that requires concentration on something other than the clock.

i have a feeling i'm chasing rabbits here, trying to explain something, and i haven't even gotten very far in what i am trying to say! Ugh.

The second conversation was kind of a continuation of the first, although it was far more emotional for me since i had failed to give Padrone what he wanted or needed from me. i was unable to summon even a spark of arousal, no matter what Padrone did or had me do, and usually it takes little for me to become aroused! i was crying and upset with myself, because i so rarely offer myself sexually without his indication that he wants me to feel sexual, that it affects me even more strongly the extremely rare times when i can't become aroused at all.

So i was really disappointed in myself, and i knew i had disappointed him too, but he took a long, long time to reassure me that the fact that i *did* everything he asked of me, no matter what i *felt* like doing, proves my commitment to him and to my slavery. i hated it, but he reassured me that he was NOT disappointed in me, rather he was very pleased with me...that my submission is far more important to him that my orgasm or even arousal is.

And that one just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

i mean...

This man is proud of me for trying and failing, simply because i tried with all my heart. Who ever heard of such a thing? Especially when it comes to sex?

i wasn't quite sure of myself anymore, and that surprised me tremendously. He had said those things to me before, and i thought i had "gotten" it as well, but that particular conversation really floored me. i really am not "judged" based on my performance as his slave, y'all. i really "am" valued because i try so hard to please him, no matter how i feel.

It isn't about proving myself, although in the beginning there was that element of course, on both sides. It is about being committed and showing it. Living it. Being who i am, even when i'm inconvenienced or pissed off about being told to do something i don't want to do. Even when i have a pissy attitude, or when i'm distracted by other things in my life. It's about *being* a slave, not just calling myself one.

It's about making Padrone happy.

Which leads me to the possible new leaf. i say "possible" because while the last couple of days have been surprising and felt good to DO, i know that my old inhibitions and habits aren't necessarily conquered, and i can't force this or it will cause major problems in the long run. Padrone is wise enough to understand it, for which i am eternally grateful.

But starting yesterday, i began to feel horny. i didn't just feel it for a moment and not say anything (even though i know he loves to know i'm horny, it is something that is difficult for me to admit for some reason) i know it has to do with my history, and while i have made GREAT strides in dealing with and healing from past issues, this one has eluded me for a long time.

i sent a text saying that i wish i was being used, and briefly described the use i was fantasizing about. Yes i was at work, but hey, it happens even there too! (need, not use) When i got home, i was still horny, and i told him so via email...maybe another text, but i don't remember. i was surprised about the continued arousal, because if i am aroused independently of Padrone's wishes and use...in other words, if physiology creates the arousal, it usually only lasts a few minutes. (yes, i know, i have issues to discover the cause of and deal with).

i slept poorly since i kept waking up filled with need and fantasies. When i woke for the morning, i sent my good morning text and said as best i could in italian that his slave was still quite horny this morning. That kind of thing is so hard for me, and i know it has to do with fear of being rejected and such, as well as other things, but i did it, and i wasn't really hesitant to do so.

That was the surprising thing. Today, last night, i felt more free from the demons and fears that have held me back from expressing myself sexually so obviously. It is strange, but i used to be able to do that without even thinking about it. So i have been worrying and even stressing a bit over my inability to open up without Padrone's direction in that area of our relationship.

But last night...today....it felt right. And Padrone's response was so very perfect - he didn't make a big issue out of it, didn't try to "encourage" me or even comment on in much. And as we talked this morning, as he was using me, there was even laughter and lighthearted comments. i could *feel* his love, even if he hadn't spoken the words (which are always wonderful to hear, Padrone), and his pleasure. He was so happy, so happy that i could finally do that.

And all of that was encouraging to me, and right now the walls seem as far down as they have been for a couple of days now - not totally gone, but....at a point that i can "scale" them. In other words, it still isn't ... comfortable, i guess is the best word to use here ... but it isn't the impossible thing it seemed a few short days ago.

i hope it is indeed that i have "turned over a new leaf", and not some sort of temporary aberration or something.

Padrone, i always love to end my posts with a personal word for You, but today i honestly can't say more than i already have said, and shown. You know my commitment to You, to us, to my slavery. You know i will do all i can even when i can't give what You are specifically asking for - my obedience is all i *can* give sometimes. And ... i hope....i can but hope ... that the wonderful thing that happened this morning, continued from yesterday, will be an ever-present part of our relationship from now on. i won't promise to work on it, because i don't want to focus too intently and overanalyze any form of spontaneity that may happen...but i *will* promise not to extinguish any spontaneity that may happen, either. i truly hope that i will be able to offer You more and more of the sexual being You own, in ways that are fun and natural and pleasing. You deserve no less, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.

Don't say i didn't warn ya!

i'm baaaa-aaaack. (evil laugh)

And i'm sharing a song. Randomly. Cutesy, and cheesy, and stuff, but it's how i feel about Padrone and our life and our relationship.


,

Padrone asked me yesterday before we left to come home, if i was ready to go back to my real life. My answer was not a simple yes or no (how could it be, it was ME answering, sheesh!). i am ready to begin my future...so i was ready to come back here and get through what i have to experience in order to do just that.

i mean, i was in a log cabin, in the woods, in the mountains (well, maybe the beginnings of the mountains but still gorgeous and hilly for me), right beside a river....daughter was occupied with boyfriend, his family were simply WONDERFUL people, and they even left me alone for a couple of evenings so i could have a "vacation" - who in their right mind, in the same circumstances, would want to come home???

But it was time. It's time for me to do my FASFA, finish the paperwork, get signed up for classes, find out about financial aid, let the boss know what she can expect from my schedule, and stress about my ability to do it all - lol - as usual!

It's time for me to focus on my future, on the career that will enable me to *have* a future. It's time to focus on time management, finding a teaching job, jumping through all the hoops necessary to get there from here. It's time for me to begin to understand that what i have worked towards for so long is going to happen, and to prepare to work, learn, and grow into the best teacher i can be, the teacher i have always longed to be.

Yep, sappy i know. i'm kind of glad i can be "sappy" about my job at my age. It's like i lived the first part of my adult life for my kids and others....and now i can live the second part for Padrone and myself. i kinda like that. (oh yeah, i'm SURE the kids will benefit from it, but i'm not doing this directly for them.)

But 3 summer classes, at one time????

*faints*

In case you're wondering, i've been out of school for around....let's see....105 years or so. This is going to be quite challenging, to put it mildly!

But i'll make it. The goal is too close now, and failure is not an option.

When i look at how far i have come from the timid, frightened, hesitant girl i was when Padrone met me, to the more confident and happy and secure woman i am today, i know that there is nothing i could set my mind to do that i couldn't find a way to accomplish. But the reason i am this way is because of one thing, and one thing only.

i have worked so hard to be pleasing to Padrone, that i have actually become the person He envisioned me to be a long time ago. He has always believed in me, once he got to know me well at least. He has always seen my potential, my abilities, when i have dwelt on my failures and inabilities. He has encouraged me even without saying anything, simply his expectation that i would do well, succeed, and rise above circumstances... and those things were the foundation of anything i have done, or will do in the future.

If i fly, it is because Padrone truly *is* the "wind beneath my wings".

And i love You with all that i am, and all that i will ever be, my Master, my Love, my Padrone.

Vacation, here i come!

My daughter apologized yesterday for the timing of this trip. There is an actual "reason" we are taking this trip at this particular time, but it is as i told her, other than being a bit careful with the finances, the timing is perfect.

When we get back on Monday night, i will have a little over a month before school starts, which is plenty of time to obsess and get myself all worked up about if i can actually do it or not. As long as there is a full crew at work, i'm not working such long hard hours, so i hope to be able to relax mentally before i start school. And of course, there is no way i could have done anything like this at all after June 1, because of school and money, and then teaching would require me to only take a break when they allow, which would mean we would not get to go anywhere for *this* long, until Christmas break. So the timing is actually good, believe it or not - lol.

We leave in the morning, bright and early, but i'll have internet access while we're gone, at least to check email and my farmville crops (hey, i *do* have priorities, yanno!), and maybe spend time with Padrone, although of course i have no idea what our specific agenda is - only for a few things, and that's fine. We'll play it all by ear, and that is what i am so deeply, deeply grateful for.

My plan is to go and relax, not think about work, or school....well, maybe school, i'm pretty excited about that....or the ex or anything....except simply relaxing...having fun....laughing and smiling a lot....focusing on Padrone even if we can't spend as much time together as we would like .... and "recharge my batteries" a bit.

That's a phrase that i can "feel" the meaning of, but i honestly don't know how to explain it well. i feel drained, still, even though i am better than i was. This trip couldn't have come at a better time for me, personally, than now. i really do need a time away from the stress, the simple daily stresses as well as the extra stress at work to perform better, constantly better, nothing ever "quite" good enough...that is a huge, heavy burden and i honestly don't know why but it is.

At any rate, a time of having some of the burdens temporarily lifted will serve to strengthen my "shoulders" so that i can carry the load a bit further. i'm so very, VERY, VERY grateful to Padrone for allowing me to go.

Padrone, thank you doesn't say enough, not by a long shot. But i think you know just how badly this is needed, and how very much it will help me to serve you and please you and be a more relaxed, loving woman as well as a slave who doesn't complain so much about things. You are so good to me, Padrone, and i could never live without you.

Much Ado About....Much

This week has been one of those "good news/bad news/good news" weeks. After the excitement of so many things falling into place last week, of course something traumatic had to happen!

Since i really don't remember what i typed here, i'll start with the good news of last week. i've learned that the program i have to enroll in, in order to get my one year certificate, is offered at the school where my son goes, and it is 3 classes in the summer, and an "internship" of 3 hours - nothing more than paid student teaching from what i understand. If there is more involved, i'll do it though. :) Anyway, 2 of the 3 classes are offered online, since i am doing the Special Education route, and that makes me VERY happy, believe me!

I'll get student loans to pay for it, since the school has gotten state department of education approval to provide this program in such a way that meets the Stafford Loan requirements. And when i was an undergraduate, i didn't have to take many student loans because of scholarships, so i never met the limit of maximum allowed and i could probably take loans out to finance a doctorate if i wanted to. *stress,stress, NOT*

Anyway, i'll be in school from June 1 - July 31, and only driving one day per week, which is really nice. i have a feeling i may have to go to campus to take exams with the other classes, but that's alright, i can handle that. i'm kind of excited, could you tell???

So i was flying HIGH, until earlier this week. i did something that got myself in trouble at work, and i accepted the responsibility for it, but the way i was treated afterwards really upset me and got my "back up". i honestly thought i was being terminated for something that i was told i was merely being "written up" for, and i got very, very upset. Poor, poor Padrone! i honestly don't see how he can put up with me sometimes, and the drama that i hate so much but which seems to be a constant part of my roller-coaster life.

That all worked itself out, though, thank God. Now i am again focusing on my application process and preparatory work for this program, and i am SO excited about it. i can't wait until i get the letter saying "you're in" and my schedule and my account and books and....i think i'm gonna LIKE being a student again, if i can get past the fear that i've forgotten everything i've learned. i know, i'm typical - lol.

AND, since the boss finally hired someone to replace the girl she fired a few weeks, ago, then i learned that it was physically possible for me to ask Padrone if i could take my daughter on a road trip. She has saved a ton of money, and is paying for the vast majority of it herself. i spent a LOT of time with my son while he was working on his Eagle Scout award, and planning his court of honor to celebrate, and so many other things as well, that she deserves this. i have been promising her for a long time, and this year is almost perfect timing. So i asked Padrone about it, and he gave his permission! We leave on Wednesday, will be coming home the following Monday. Man, am i excited!!!

It has been such an emotional week. i think i have been under so much stress that i am losing the ability to maintain control over my emotions as much as possible. i am so grateful...so GRATEFUL...to Padrone for the chance to simply go away for a while. We're not planning a hugely busy time, we both just want to hang out with each other and with some friends we're meeting. We have a couple of things planned, but for the most part it will be just relaxing and "chilling".

Oh man do i look forward to it!

And i know Padrone is ready for some ... well, i almost said boring times, but i know he is excited about the next few months for me, even though he knows it will be quite busy and of course stressful, from my current job, to school, to job hunting, to starting a new job knowing i am being supervised....but it will ALL be worth it in the long run, stress will be eased after a few months of different types of stress.

When my life is a bit easier financially and i have a job i love and have wanted for years and will enjoy, then i know some of the stress will leave. i'll be able to ... be a better slave to Padrone. He doesn't complain now, and that's something i am even more grateful for .

This i can say without any doubt. i would not be doing what i am doing, if Padrone weren't in my life. His encouragement and acceptance of my dreams have made ALL the difference in my life and in my future, and therefore in our future. i honestly didn't have the ability to do it on my own.

And it will take the rest of my life to show just how much he has changed it, and just how grateful, happy, joyful, peaceful, and simply content i am as his slave, but even more importantly, as his woman.

i love You, Padrone. Thank you.