Well, as everyone who reads this blog, and those who frequent the IRC channel we frequent know, Padrone and i are in a long distance relationship. i have been His for almost 2 years. Yes, it seems impossible to so many, but for us it has never seemed .... strange.
How can this work? i mean, we aren't just long distance, we are on different continents! We come from different cultures, speak different native languages! Talk about obstacles! He is so very male, and i mean that in the best possible way - lol. But whoever wrote that book about Mars and Venus had gender differences pegged!
For us, there have been so many key things that have allowed us to progress and grow to the point that we are now.
1. Communication, communication, communication! Women, this does NOT mean deep discussions about feelings and emotions constantly. Nor does it mean talking about what works for you and what doesn't. Men, that does NOT mean totally ignoring the dreaded "e" word (emotions, for those who can't even THINK it!). Nor does it mean constantly discussion various sex or BDSM issues either.
So what DOES it mean? Basically, it means discussing life, interests, dislikes, laughing, teasing, apologizing, learning who the other person is, outside of the role in the relationship. i mean, no matter HOW submissive i am, if my personality grated on Padrone's nerves, i would not be His....and vice versa. It means scening, talking about what works and what doesn't (although i honestly can only remember a couple of times a scene didn't work, and those were my fault, my expectations weren't met) .... which leads me to the next point....
2. Have realistic expectations. NOBODY can be available 24/7, i don't care if you're talking online or face-to-face relationships. Everyone has a life, and as i said to Padrone the other day, life happens on both sides. Neither party can be constantly at the other's beck and call. i can't realistically expect to call Padrone and have Him drop everything in order to "be there" for me.
Now, if there was a reason for that to happen, like immediately after Katrina, or the night i was so upset after reading the negative things His ex-slave had put in her /whois, then yes....that's different. And of course, as Master, He has more expectations in that than i do. However, if He knows i am out with my kids, and He sent a text telling me to cum.....well.....um.....that's one of those "sorry but no deal" situations. i can joke about that because i know He would never do that intentionally. If He ever did ask something of me that would put me in danger, either emotionally or physically, then of course He would not have done so intentionally, nor would He expect me to obey. But i would have to have a good reason for it. And THAT is what i mean by realistic expectations.
That isn't just in availability either. i don't expect every conversation to end with "i love you". Now that seems like a small thing to some, and a huge thing to others. But it isn't Padrone's way. Yes, i have learned to change my own expectations, and in doing so, i have learned other things....that i will discuss later. Other realistic expectations are to be conscious of differences in time, routine, sleep needs, work schedules, and who lives in the same house with the other person. So many things that have to just be ACCEPTED. One can't go into any relationship and expect the other person to change His/her entire life to fit into yours. While that may seem quite romantic, and while it might seem somehow to fit into a Dom's right to demand or expect of a sub....or of a sub to think "if He loves me He will...." - what it is is pure hogwash.
3. Wash the hogwash, drop the bs. Be yourself, no matter who you are. State what you can and can't do quite clearly, and never bite off more than you can chew. Never promise what you can't deliver, and never demand what can't be promised. If your partner is married, don't expect them to act single. If you are married, be up front and honest about what you can give, what the other person can expect. Be brutally honest if necessary. Do NOT present yourself as "supersubbie" or "SuperDomlyOne" if that isn't who you are. If you aren't submissive, but merely looking for the power rush of having Doms drool after you, then keep it there. If You aren't Dominant, merely looking for kinky sex, then be satisfied with that. Find out what you want, and never EVER promise more than you can give.
4. Learn what you want. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. When Padrone and i met, i would have sworn that i would NEVER wear a man's collar again. i was looking for escape from myself, from my failures, and the feedback i got as a whore who scened well was balm for my aching heart, or what bit of it i allowed to be seen anyway. Padrone didn't even know He wanted more than He had in His other slave. We began with simply scening, but our craving for some unnamed "MORE" was too great to be ignored. What we wanted was what we have now found in each other, but neither of us would have admitted it then. It took each of us being open for change, for the chance to learn about ourselves and each other in a deeper way, for us to even begin a relationship.
5. Be flexible. The other evening i made a choice that i didn't think Padrone would have a problem with, since i know Him and how He feels about certain things, but it took our time online away from us that evening. He missed me, i missed Him, but it was the right choice for me and my situation. He could have put His foot down and ordered me to not do what i had chosen to do, He could have been demanding and inflexible, and i am sure that, had He really needed to be with me, He might have done it although i can't even imagine it. But He didn't. He was flexible, as i have to be at times, although i try hard to schedule my life around our opportunities to spend time together, whether online or on the phone. It isn't always possible, and if He weren't understanding, it wouldn't be possible for us to have a relationship.
6. Honesty at all costs. A long distance relationship is based, just as strongly as a face-to-face relationship, on trust. Trust can NOT happen without honesty allowing it to be built. There is nothing more to say on this one.
7. Let the other person be who He/she is. Padrone and i had a discussion about this earlier today. If i hadn't been able to learn to look at what He does, and see His expressions of love in His actions, rather than getting upset because He doesn't say the words "i love you" often, then we would have failed long, long ago. He has learned to accept so many things about me as well. Some things i have changed for His pleasure, but some i can't change, and He has been wise enough to see that. Some things HE has changed, although i doubt He would admit it, but some things He adamantly refuses to change, and i would be foolish to get upset about that. i won't forget asking Him once why He started freely giving the reassurance that i would always beg for, when He began with the attitude that He said it once, i shouldn't NEED more than that. He said something to the effect that He realized that i needed it, and that i wouldn't stop needing it, and so He chose to give it to me. Guess what. i don't need it nearly as much now.
Nor will i forget what He said earlier today. He said that when a woman realizes how a man expresses His feelings and "allows" Him the freedom to express them that way, instead of expecting Him to express them in ways that are unnatural to Him....then He will be freed to express Himself more and more. And guess what? i have seen it, felt it, and i know it to be true.
8. Be diligent, yet respectful. For me, that means working hard to keep my errant emotions in check, keeping Padrone alert of problems i am having, to try to avoid more serious issues. BUT, i have a private blog that i use to convey these things. i try hard not to blindside Him with "EMOTIONS" all the time, or "PROBLEMS" when we first see each other. Sometimes i fail in that, but i have improved dramatically in this area, even i admit that!
On His part, this means keeping me on my toes in terms of my obedience, and the more rules He has in place, the more diligence is needed on His part to do so. i used to think, when He questioned if i did
9. Be open to the D/s interaction, even when not in the "mood". i am slave, just as if i were living in the same house. If i lived with Him and He called me to serve, or to even have a conversation, i would drop everything and go to Him. Why we would expect differently simply because we type rather than speak, or because we speak on the phone rather than face-to-face, i don't know. This one is more to the subs, although i would caution Doms as well - never assume that the role You have chosen to live in can be shed entirely. That may be just the night that Your sub of choice might need to be punished, or have reason to be held in check. It HAS to happen sometimes when we aren't in the mood for it. What would You do, turn the computer off and leave her hanging, to in effect be her own Dom? What does she need YOU for, in that case?
10. Assume the best. THIS is the hardest one for me, or it used to be. i used to be the worst about making the worst possible interpretation about everything that happened. Now i take my initial reaction and flip it, and assume THAT is the case, rather than what my "bad wolf" would have me believe. This comes more naturally to Padrone, i think, but it is a lesson i am trying hard to keep in practice. He DID have His moments, however, when He would assume the worst about me....but that time is long past...thankfully!
For Padrone and me, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, trust, commitment, communication, and more trust. Tonight Padrone proved it once more, the trust and commitment that He has for me. He once more showed His love for me in ways that aren't typical expressions of love for a woman, but which mean an incredible amount to me, because i know how He expresses Himself now. And yes, i value His actions, and His love, highly.
Thank You, Padrone, for the faith, the trust, the love You show me daily. i am honored to be owned by such a man as You.
2 comments:
This was brilliant. I applaud you for writing such an amazing post.
Thank you. :)
i won't claim brilliance or even amazing, but i appreciate your words for sure!
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