Humiliation and its effects

First i want to preface by saying that i am only speaking from personal experience and stating my own opinions and thoughts. This is not meant, in any way, to be an objective kind of essay - if that is what you are interested in, then google is your friend. :)

Recently, we have delved into some deeper humiliation than ever before. Humiliation is something i have often craved, needed, never ever enjoyed, but it is also a true emotional time bomb for me if not done in a way that will "defuse" the bomb.

The way the scene that sent me "over the edge" went was - during a scene where i served Padrone in a way He really enjoys, which entails my imagination coming into play to a huge degree, He made the statement "show me how much humiliation you can take" - or words to that effect anyway. That created a deep......i am not sure how to explain it, but i knew i had no choice from that moment on but to be as deeply humiliated as possible, to show Him that i am willing and ready to "go there" with Him, if for no other reason, although i am sure there were other reasons. The why doesn't matter in this instance, what matters is that there were things that i did voluntarily, that i still in a way can't believe i did. i offered such deep humiliation, things that *i* find deeply humiliating, things that i have always balked at doing or experiencing before. Yet i freely gave them.

i demeaned myself for my Master. i became His fuckpig, i gave Him every shred of pride in self, of self respect, of self esteem. i sank to the point that i could barely stand what i was doing, yet i knew i had no choice, i was completely driven to give more, more deeply, than i ever had before.

And it was very intense, very pleasing to Padrone, i made Him quite proud of me, and very happy with His slave. :) That made me feel so good, and i hung onto His words and that thought for as long as i could.

The problem is that in the next couple of days, some very inconsequential things happened that were negative, and would otherwise have had little effect on my psyche, but since i was still quite vulnerable and exposed, all the really bad stuff so close to the surface, that negative things had a more far reaching impact than they should have, and would have had i not been so exposed.

But the fact remains that i was quite vulnerable after that intense and deeply humiliating scene. And it really isn't much of a surprise that i experienced sub drop afterwards, especially when coupled with the negative things that happened for a couple of days afterwards. i really hate sub drop. It makes me feel like a really bad submissive, as if i am not grateful for the intensity of our scenes, our relationship. It's difficult enough as it is, and then add the feelings of doubt on top of it, and it's a dreadful situation.

Sub drop, for me, isn't something i can control, and in my experience seems to be directly related to the intensity, the "deepness" of the scene or scenes that cause it. This time, as i have said, the scene was QUITE intense, and so sub drop should not have surprised me as much as it did.

i was tumbling into a real depression but i just wouldn't let myself go there. i am not typically a depressed person although i admit to feeling down now and then for no reason. i have been medically depressed before though, and ended up on medication at one point, but i was fortunate and able to gradually get off of it.

i kept thinking i needed something, but i couldn't ask for it because i didn't know what it was. i reached the point that i was pulling away from Padrone emotionally, because i was afraid He would want to use me again and i just literally had no more to give. i couldn't communicate that because it would really have made me sound like a very ungrateful and selfish slave. i was probably communicating those things, those feelings, without meaning to. Part of that was the sub drop i had not yet realized was a factor. Part of it was not feeling "worthy" of asking for something for myself - a real red flag that should have alerted me that i was still in the throes of being the "humiliated me". Ah, what can i say? i'm slow sometimes.

But it finally dawned on me that after giving so much of myself, self preservation requires that i have a time of selfishness.

It took a phone call to a friend, and really talking through with another submissive to determine what would help me cope more easily with the after effects of deep humiliation. First, i should say that i truly hope to go there again. In terms of my submission, i have never ever felt so deeply surrendered, my entire being given literally for His pleasure. It was amazing, and i know that He has other places to take me.

But i now know that, if He chooses to use me in a way that is degrading or humiliating, that in my very deeply hidden places, there is a part of me that believes that how He treats me as during that kind of scene, is how i deserve to be treated. It seems as if no matter how hard i try, or how much i do overcome that, that i can't totally move beyond the little girl who never feels good enough to be loved, and so settles for being abused.

So what i have learned is that after being taken to a place that i feel my "feelings of worthlessness" validated so strongly, i need to be reassured that i am not seen that way, i am not the person i see myself as being. i need to know that Padrone sees the worst of me, and humiliation brings that to the forefront as nothing else can, and yet doesn't believe that the bad person that comes out when i am humiliated, isn't the real me. i need to be reassured that the person He sees is the person i am now.

Boy, that one really felt like a breakthrough kind of statement. There is a part of me that *is* the "humiliated me", but that part has shrunk into a small hidden place inside me. It shows up now and then of course, and affects my behavior, but for the most part is a non-factor in my life. After that part is deliberately exposed, and i become that "old me" again through a humiliating scene, i really do have to be reassured that ... the old me will disappear for a while, and that those old thoughts and patterns of behavior no longer have the hold, the control, over me that they once did. i really need to know that i am not "her" anymore, that the person i am becoming is the one that is real after all. Padrone, You see me as the woman with positive traits, rather than the girl who hides her insecurities behind being a whore (or a fuckpig, or whatever You choose for me to be), don't You Padrone?

i have no idea if that even makes a lick of sense. Please forgive me if it doesn't.

i guess, after typing all of this, the bottom line is that humiliation makes me feel worthless, ugly, repulsive. It makes me wonder what You would want with me. It brings old thought patterns to the surface. i'm rather proud of myself for finding a way to overcome them, but it could have been easier had i been better prepared, and had i been able to communicate what would have helped me.

So, Padrone, humiliation is something i am ready to try again, i mean the deep humiliation like a few days ago. But i know that, somehow, i have to feel special to You again afterwards, maybe even for a few days, just to recover from the ugly place it can send me. i have always needed for You to know about my "ugly" parts, and to accept that they exist and accept them readily. But i know You don't see me the way i see myself - or i know it most of the time anyway. Apparently i have problems remembering it after that kind of scene.

Padrone, if You would like to know what enabled me to come out of that place this time, i will tell You that it was remembering Your endearments, Your voice ...remembering, reinforcing, and mourning that it took me so long to get there. i wish i had been able to ask for reassurance, or whatever i could have done to have been able to hear Your voice saying them, or read the words. That would have made my recovery a bit easier, and it would have shortened it as well, or so i believe.

And yes, that statement is what i am most worried about typing, for reasons You well know.

Padrone, please forgive me for not being able to give You the tools You needed to help Your slave in this deeper journey. i don't take for granted that You will know instinctively what i need, but sometimes it is so difficult to express things for myself, when i am, even during "bad" times, so focused on pleasing You.

i love You, Padrone, and i am grateful that You do have an inordinate amount of patience with me. i am grateful that You allow me to express myself freely, within only the constraints of respectful language. Thank You for needing so much of me, and taking what You need, and for so deeply appreciating what is freely given as well. Padrone, i am Yours, forever. Thank You.

Hardest post ever written

Well, under direct orders from Padrone, here are 10 positive things about me (surprised that i could come up with 2, much less 10)! Btw, i am grateful that even the small things count!

1. i am intelligent, even if not intellectual. (Sorry, Padrone, that one i *had* to qualify with an "exception")

2. i am thoughtful. i try to treat others as i would like to be treated, and i try to do as my granny always taught me (even though i am not always successful), and keep my mouth shut if i have nothing nice to say about someone. i try to do or say things that will make those around me feel better about themselves, or gain insight into problems they are having. i even try to give gifts that will mean something special to the recipients.

i try to anticipate needs and desires when i can, and i try to do things in advance to smooth others' paths, and yes, i have done so to my own detriment in the past. i wonder if i am trying to talk myself out of this being a positive....*blush*

3. i have manners, and try to behave tactfully most of the time. i do this in every area of my life, especially since Padrone showed me how important one's behavior is, no matter how one feels.

4. i am fairly intuitive. i'm not exactly sure if that can be quantified or defined. All i know is that i learn what makes people tick fairly quickly into a relationship, although i also love and appreciate pleasant surprises in people.

5. According to my daughter i am a good cook. This is based on one traditionally southern recipe that i have cooked yearly for Thanksgiving since i was a kid, sweet potato casserole. Oh, and i make good spaghetti too.

Halfway there. Darnit i hate this. :(

6. i am as generous as i can afford to be. Maybe that falls under being thoughtful, i don't know, but i need them to be separate, so i separated them. :)

7. My daughter also says that i know when to be silly and when to be serious. i assume she means in my mothering abilities, but i would venture to say that i kind of know that in most situations.

8. i am strong. This one has really been hard for me to accept about myself, mainly because accepting one's strength of character means accepting the responsibility to behave with strength of character. For instance, if one admits that she can handle adversity when she has to, then she'll more than likely have to. Not because she will have more adversity, but because others around her will expect her to "rise to the occasion" every time it does come. That's a heavy burden for a submissive woman to bear, actually, and so i have never wanted to admit it. Of course i never realized why, it was more instinct than anything else, but since i have thought about what i have gone through in my life, and where i have come from, and who i am now, i realize that i *am* a strong person, and i actually smile when i type that!

9. While i am a bit shy and awkward in social settings, i really do have a personality that means that i try to make others feel comfortable and happy. i try to please folks i am around, i don't have a servant's heart, but a pleaser's heart. i realize that some may not appreciate that as a positive, but i do.

And last, but not least:

10. Ummm....So i'm stuck. i've gotten this far by asking my daughter (Padrone's suggestion, btw), and by thinking of what it is that Padrone has voiced that He values about me. Other things i could say are merely surface things, like i am a good mother, or i am a sweet woman. Maybe i should just make this last one a hodge-podge and add more than one thing here. Things that i kind of take for granted about myself, but which, when looking at them objectively, are positives. Things like honest, faithful, loyal, caring, empathetic all make up who i am, traits that i never think about but which i have learned are important and positive. i value communication and commitment, and i give it freely. (Sometimes *too* freely on the communication part, right Padrone?) And of course, i am very analytical, which is a positive and a negative both, and which is the only way i could actually DO this!

Padrone, i told You that i would thank You afterwards, and i do. It wasn't easy, and i really stressed over it as i knew i would. i do know, now, that i have many positive traits, but i think one of the most positive things about me, something that makes me a good slave, a good mother, and a good friend, is that i try hard to focus on others, to make others happy. That really does make me happy, especially when it is Your happiness that i can make happen.

Thank You for allowing me to think this through, and for making me show more of myself than i typically would through this blog. It's hard to publish it, knowing how much of *me* is exposed here. It's so much easier to show how wonderful YOU are, Padrone!

i love You, Padrone.

Commitment

Last night i started thinking of how deeply grateful i am that Padrone never gave up on me, not in the first part of our relationship when i acted so childish so often, nor later when i screwed up in such a major way. Maybe it's so amazing to me because i, like so many others, have never had anyone be so committed to me.

It's an amazing feeling, and of course something i didn't trust for a long, long time. i do now, but it is still almost surreal to me at times, to know that someone who is as good a person, as good a man, and as good a Master, as Padrone is, is happy with *me*.

i've mentioned this to Padrone before, and He knows how deeply i feel about it, and yet He usually points out that *i* am just as committed as He is. Well, i have that i never thought of it just that way before.

Frankly, the few relationships i have ever been in have involved in before this one have involved me doing whatever it took to "keep him happy". Of course that never worked, so i learned that no relationship lasts forever, even if the promises are given. The funny thing is, Padrone never gave me promises like that. He said once that He had stopped thinking in terms of forever, and while it was a shock to hear it, and took a long time for me to accept that He, at that time, viewed our relationship as temporary, i learned over time to actually be grateful that He made no promise that He couldn't keep.

Now, however, forever *is* a part of our vocabulary, in terms of our relationship. And i have learned that i AM just as committed as He is to our relationship, it just took a long time for me to admit it. See, i was doing, and am doing, what i should do in order to make this relationship work. Before i accepted Padrone's happiness with me though, i was living in hopes that He wouldn't leave me. i lived in fear of losing Him, and that is a tremendous drain on any relationship, not just D/s. That fear was a direct result of my own needs not being met in relationships, even though i gave what the other seemed to want, and more at times. i gave what Padrone values so greatly, although not to the extent of course because never has any relationship been as deep as this one is, for me at least.

It took learning to trust that He wants me, that He needs me, that i do make Him happy, and that He isn't missing something in His life by owning me. That didn't happen overnight, and even now i am still realizing things, like last night's thoughts...

It finally dawned on me that Padrone doesn't love me for what i know, what i do for a living, where i live or how i live....He loves me in spite of those things, simply for who i am. Well, duh, you say? You have to understand, i am really nothing but a country girl who lives barefoot as much as possible, in so many ways a stereotypical southern girl. The extent of my exposure to the "real world" is the internet and Wal Mart, with a jaunt into a "big town" now and then. Of course the "big town" is 60 miles away, and a population of less than 100,000, but heck, it's uptown to me. How can someone as wonderful as Padrone maintain interest in me, when all i do is work, teach my kid, pay bills, and do chores?

But you know what? i finally realized that it doesn't matter to *me* what HE does, where He lives, what He knows, what He does for a living, or how He lives...i love Him for who He is. And yes, after more than three years, that light bulb finally went off in my brain, the one that made me realize that it goes both ways.

Our commitment to each other from the very beginning, the one that began as a tenuous thing, the commitment that was tested time and time again, the one that stretched and grew as we came to know and to trust each other...that commitment has become such a precious thing to me, something i value more and more the longer we are together. Now, our relationship is at a place where it doesn't take constant exposure to one another, constant reassurance, constant overt control or overt submission to maintain. We are in a place where we are a "safe haven" for each other, a place to escape and relax and be who we are. The commitment has grown and still grows as time goes by, but i will never forget that Padrone held fast to His slave, and never let her run, or push Him away...no matter how hard she tried.

Padrone, thank You for holding on to me, even when it was so hard to do. Thank You for showing me what commitment really is, and thank You for being the man You are. i am richly blessed, and both deeply honored and equally humbled, by the way You treat me. You have taught me what a relationship is supposed to be, and now i know that we really do have forever to enjoy each other. i am Yours.

Motivation

Well, it has been quite some time since i have typed here. Life has taken a turn for me, as usual, and it takes a little while to adjust sometimes. i had surgery a couple of weeks ago, and i am recovering nicely just more slowly than i want to - lol.

Padrone's life is also busier for a while and that means that our time together has become more precious because it is more restricted.

But today we were able to talk with voice, and it was so nice to not have to type, and to hear my Love's voice, the warmth, the pride, the obvious happiness that He feels from owning me. i had missed that intimacy, and the mushiness as well i must confess. Well, it's obvious even if i didn't "confess" it - lol.

During our conversation today we talked a bit about where we've come from, how far we've come, how we've grown, and where we are now. The topic came up about attitudes, and that when i learned that Padrone valued the attitude in which a submissive serves above perfect performance of a task (although of course i do strive for perfection), that it became a bit easier for me to be His slave.

But that leads us to ask the question....why? What is it about our attitudes that affect our performance, our service, our ability to please, and ultimately the stability of the relationship?

Well, it has been both my experience and my observation that many submissives have the desire to please their Masters, or Dominants in general if they are unowned. That's admirable, and if it weren't the case, i would wonder what kind of submissive they are - of course i talk mostly about emotional submissives, and not simply sexual submissives. i understand quite well that there are those who submit in a sexual manner and they could never submit any deeper. That's fine, but not who i am talking about here.

Pleasing, in my opinion, is one of the hallmarks of a submissive woman. We all love to hear "good girl", and "good job", and "i'm so proud of you", and words such as these. There are times when just hearing those words make us give more than even we ever dreamed possible. But the fact is, that when we begin to serve a Dominant, our motivations aren't nearly as self-effacing as we would believe them to be.

Let's be honest here. How many times do unowned slaves scene with a Dominant because of their own need for control? It's almost 100% isn't it? There may be a rare occasion when it is done purely because the Dominant wants it, but usually when that happens, the girl says no, or merely clicks out of the chat program, or maybe "real life calls", or the phone, or whatever. There is usually some excuse to prevent herself from giving merely for the sake of the Dominant's needs, if she doesn't have a need herself.

That's just the way it is. That is serving with one's own agenda first. That is serving to please one's self, rather than serving purely to bring a Dominant pleasure. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and it is where every submissive begins.

Every relationship as a whole has to begin that way. The submissive has to protect her own needs, and in the beginning she has no foundation of trust in the Dominant to meet them for her. So she has to serve a bit selfishly, i guess. The problem isn't in the beginning, i truly think that everyone understands that. But what happens if the submissive never makes the choice to serve merely because of who she is, and who He is to her?

This morning's conversation went along the lines of comparing submissives in the beginning of relationships, or unowned submissives, to children in their desires. Let's face it, children have little control over their lives, they trust the adults around them to keep them safe and happy, and they have few responsibilities. They have duties to perform in chores, and they are rewarded with tokens of appreciation (allowance, words, gifts, privileges, etc). That is how so many submissives view being an owned slave, as some sort of Utopia where all they have to do is follow orders and they can live as carefree as they please.

The reality is that submissives DO have a responsibility in a relationship. They are responsible for their Master's pleasure, in whatever ways the Master deems necessary. Does that mean they are not rewarded for their efforts? i surely hope not, but of course that depends on the Master. i would hope that if one had doubts about the type of man she is serving, that she would never consider a collar from Him, but of course that's an individual call.

In the beginning of a realtionship, it is very much "all about the Master". A submissive serves merely because He wants her to. Hopefully her needs are met, but she loses the option to refuse to serve based on mood, attitude, physical complaints, etc. She communicates those things to her Master and He makes the choice whether to excuse her or not.

As time passes, hopefully, she begins to see that He *does* have her best interests at heart, and that he is both understanding and compassionate while also expecting her to do her very best in anything she endeavors to do to please Him. She should begin to have the attitude that He is her Master and He deserves the best she can give Him, simply because of who He is. She should lose, maybe in a gradual way, but totally, the attitude that she has the right to make choices about her own needs in the relationship.

Our motivations change, they become far less self-serving, and far more focused on Him. We usually think we are focused on the Dominant's needs even in a friendship, but the reality is that if we get nothing out of it, the friendship fades. If we don't feel like talking with someone, we typically escape, even if they need an ear. If we have other places to be or things to do, we say so long to those in our lives that aren't important to us. We have to change as we progress into a relationship, change our motivation from childishness, from self-serving, into the purely giving, selfless one of simply pleasing because it makes our Master happy.

One thing we as slaves do is to take responsibility for making both parties in the relationship happy, and when we do that, we set ourselves up to fail. And so since our primary responsibility is to make HIM happy, we have to learn to trust, to let go, and let Him take the responsibility for meeting our own needs. That is giving up total control, in my opinion.

That, my friends, is what it means to serve as a woman, and not as a girl. That is giving the gift that is sometimes called the gift of submission....the true gift being the gift of control.

Padrone, i cannot imagine not being Your slave, Your woman. i am so grateful for the way You have guided me through our relationship, so many trials, so many circumstances to take into consideration. i am so grateful that You so patiently waited for me to learn what makes You happy, and that i finally realized that it is the attitude of submission that You love, even when i fail in a task. Thank You for loving me through so much, so that i am now totally secure in being the slave You are so proud to own. You are so good to me, and i love You.

new perspective

i just got off the phone, talking with Padrone. He gave me a new perspective, in a few little words. Actually it was probably things He has shown me before, but this time it "clicked". And now i am just saying WOW!

i am typing another blog post right now, one that won't be published for a while. It's about my past, and who knows? It may never be published, since just the typing of it may be all that i need in order to ... do whatever needs to be done to ease the tension in my mind and emotions. Is it a catharsis? A purging? A gaining of control over my emotional life rather than letting the past control me so deeply?

Or is it simply symbolic, a way to formally state that i am freer from the bonds of the past so Padrone can tighten the bonds He has in place?

As you may have guessed, i am typing my personal history, most of which is not pretty. The "why" of it doesn't matter, since i simply feel driven to verbalize it, even with typed words rather than spoken.

When i was talking about it today to Padrone, suddenly, with a very few words and a small gesture, HE took immediate and absolute control of me, my thoughts, my emotions, my body. It was simply amazing, and while it has happened before, i am not totally sure it has ever happened in such a dramatic and sudden way.

What it accomplished, other than sudden, deep, submission and control, was to do exactly what He said while talking to me - it refocused me into what i am NOW, who i am NOW, whose i am NOW.....and forever.

my past, while it has affected me all my life, is losing its grip on my personality and my mentality and my emotions. Thank God.

Padrone, i am amazed at Your perception and that Your need coincided with the need i couldn't even express. i was talking fast and furiously, and suddenly You exerted Your control...so easily, so undeniably. It was truly yet another epiphany for me, in ways that i may never fully understand.

Who am i? i am slave, in every way i have learned to be so far, and in every way possible as i learn to express my slavery even more. i am Your property to be owned, used for the purpose i was created to be used, cared for, displayed, treasured, loved, protected.

Thank You, Padrone, for showing me a totally new perspective.

Buon Anniversario, Padrone

Three years ago, my nick changed to reflect the ownership of the most wonderful man, and the most wonderful Master, i have ever met. Three years ago, the changed nick was merely a foreshadowing of the changes that being His slave, His woman, would bring into my life.

i am the luckiest woman alive to belong to this man. i have said it so often that it may seem mundane to some, but the truth is that my Master turned me around, and molded me, shaped me, into the slave, the woman, i am today.

In the past three years i have grown and changed, i have moved beyond the hurt, hiding girl with walls so high nobody could reach her. In these three years, i have learned more about life and living, about people and personalities, than i ever dreamed i didn't know. In these past three years, i have learned what it means to be in a commited relationship, to give and take and compromise and listen and speak and suffer and hurt and grow and love and laugh.

Padrone's ownership is unceasing, it is absolute, and it completes my life in ways i can't ever explain, but for once i will try.

At work, at home, at the grocery store, at the ball field, wherever i am, Padrone is with me as well. If i behave well, i feel His pride in me, and if i make a mistake, i sense His correction. When i text Him, i feel His response to what He reads, even if it is just satisfaction at my obedience and nothing more. When i am scared, i can feel His strength, and His confidence in my own strength, flowing through me. i have taken lessons He has taught me and incorporated them into my everyday life, in positive ways - positive for me at least. i have learned how to be strong and stand up for myself without being bitchy or pushy or ugly. i have learned to be a strong, confident woman, and that is mainly because i finally realize - that is who Padrone deserves for me to be, and it is who He believes that *i* deserve to be as well.

And that leads me to another point. Padrone believes in me. Padrone believes that i have what it takes to be successful in life, something i have never, ever felt about myself. He believes in my strength, in my abilities, in my potential, in my mind, and in my heart. He knows that i will struggle to succeed, struggle within myself for so many reasons, but He knows i can make it through. And that confidence usually sparks my own in myself, and will be what keeps me going in the next few months as more major changes happen in my life.

Padrone not only accepts the differences between men and women, but He understands most of them - at least that they do indeed exist - and our relationship has become more and greater and better because of that acceptance and understanding. He allows me to be myself, even when He doesn't understand my reaction or thoughts. He gives me the freedom to be myself, to express myself respectfully. He doesn't want to change me, although if there is something He would like to see me to differently, He generally has ways to let me know without turning it into an issue.

Padrone hates to punish me, although He will without hesitation if i need it. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He has taught me that, even as slave, it is normal for me to make human mistakes and not strive to be perfect slave. He allows me to make mistakes, do the punishment, then move on.

Padrone punishes me in appropriate ways. i would not be given 60 lashes with a belt for speaking to Him in a tone He didn't like. i would not be forced to sleep on the floor for a week because i didn't ask Him about something He has been mentioning Himself for several weeks. He wouldn't use me and not allow me to cum for simply not going into a position He requires of me nightly. i am sure there would be punishment for those things, (maybe not for not asking for what He had always given Himself, but if so He would talk with me about it when the punishment was given). If i disagreed with the punishment, He would talk with me about it, and make His choice accordingly.

Padrone has said repeatedly that He cannot control my feelings. Those are my own, and always will be. He *can* and *does* control my actions, but i will think and feel what i will, and there is nothing He can (or would) do about it. i would never be punished for feeling a certain way about something, or not being in the right mood or mindset. i would be punished, however, if i allowed my feelings to cause me to act badly.

Padrone respects my family life, and enjoys being as much a part of it as He can. After much deliberation, i told one of my kids about Him, although not the nature of the relationship. It has been so nice to have someone to talk with, who understands and is excited for me and for us. She is also slowly getting to know Padrone, who she calls the "Big E" sometimes - E is His initial.

Padrone has been through hell owning me, yet has stayed so commited to our relationship, has never given up on me, nor did He allow me to push Him away as i, as is usual with submissives in a new relationship, tried to do long ago. There have been times when it seemed that every conversation had new problems, new obstacles, new circumstances to overcome, and yet He never complained about it. Sometimes He doesn't like when i don't have time to devote to His pleasure, yet rarely has He ever even voiced any impatience, and never a complaint.

Padrone is amazingly patient. He is teaching me that patience is hard won sometimes, and yet it is worth everything one goes through to learn it. He is teaching me that spontaniety has its rewards, yet thinking things through, even if it takes weeks or even months, can bring even sweeter ones.

Padrone has shown me that loving someone isn't about three little words, nor is it about romance or the feelings that come when someone else does something to make me happy. Love begins when one's needs are met, and continues to grow only as sharing needs means that there are more needs met, rather than unmet. Our love began with D/s needs, and has grown to fill our lives beyond the formal Master/slave dynamic.

Padrone has taught me what it truly means to be a slave in general, and just what being His slave means.

Slavery isn't merely being owned, it is being treasured.

Slavery isn't merely being collared, it is being loved.

Slavery isn't merely being controlled, it is being surrendered.

Slavery isn't merely being used, it is being given freely in use.

Slavery isn't merely being in a role, it is being me.

i am His slave, He is my Master, it is who we are, how we live, and not what we do.

As His slave, i have blossomed as the fiore He calls me. His flower, opening to Him alone, revealing all that is inside me, the good things that i can't always see... the bad things that i magnify....the ugly self that i try hard to keep hidden ... the beautiful brokenness that has come through total surrender... the trust in the safety of His control ... the heart that beats for Him...the mind that surrenders to Him ... the soul that lives for Him.

This is something i found in the post i typed last year in my blog, but it stands true now, and always will:

Thank You for the love that i had to learn to see.
Thank You for the patience that lets me grow.
Thank You for the focus on Your slave that frees me to focus on You so totally.
Thank You for the acceptance that creates safety.
Thank You for using my body, my mind, my emotions, for Your pleasure.
Thank You for needing the depths of submission that i could never before express.
Thank You for believing in me.
Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.
Thank You, Padrone, for owning me so beautifully.

Happy Anniversary, my Owner, my Love....i am grateful that our future will be as wonderful as these past three years.

my unique Padrone

You know, i have often said to Padrone how different He is from many Dominants that i have had the pleasure of communicating with. And sometimes i can actually express those differences in ways that make sense to Him, but usually He doesn't appreciate the differences, mainly because they are so far outside His thought processes, that they make no sense to Him.

But i am going to try to explain some of Padrone's views on D/s, in hopes that the differences will be obvious to others as well. Btw, i'm not saying others don't have the same or similar philosophies, rather that His are unusual and different in my experience.

Padrone takes things slowly. i know this has become a 'catch phrase', and that slowly in a long distance relationship tends to mean weeks rather than months, but Padrone takes His time, thinks things through, and doesn't even mention them if He chooses not to implement them.

But i'm not even talking about just use. i mean rules as well. i remember, quite clearly, when my only rules were no cumming, and typing an email daily, begging for more. The frustration was so intense....who had ever heard of a Master who didn't control more than just one's orgasm? And if i brought it up, He would say that He didn't know my life well enough to implement more rules yet. i had no idea what that meant. i was so used to arbitrary rules that were pertinent to the Dominant's wants and "needs" that had no bearing on my own lifestyle, that the idea that a Master would actually consider how i live, before putting rules in place, was a hugely dramatic difference. It took a while for me to settle down and just wait.

But He's done that with every rule He has put into place. And now, even *i* bring things up to ask about Him making into rules, and He will now explain His thoughts about it, more often than not, which brings me to another point.

Padrone has never hidden behind a "cloak of mystery". He is who He is, and while He doesn't always say a lot, it is more because He is a quiet man by nature, rather than Him being "mysterious". Those who are self-proclaimed "enigmas" or "mysterious ones" are pretentious, and their Dominance can't show clearly because they're too busy hiding to reveal it.

Padrone (luckily for me) believes in keeping His slave happy. His philosophy is that "a happy slave serves better", and since it is all about Him in the first place, He does what He has to do to keep Himself well served. (now that i've boosted Him into "SuperDom", i'll explain in a way that doesn't make Him seem quite so egocentrical.)

It really IS all about Him. And yes, He keeps me happy. i am quite sure that it began from the idea that i would serve Him better if i am happy, but now it is as much because He does care deeply about me, and He takes His "job" of caring for me very seriously.

How does He do this? How did it change from being all about HIM to being about us? Well, see above. He took His time to learn about me, about my life, about my family, about what i care about, about what i need, and He has come to care about my happiness for itself, rather than just a means to keep Himself happy. He has learned to trust that i will do all within my power to keep Him happy, and that has ... in essence ... freed Him to do the same for me. i have learned to trust that my needs will be met as His slave, and so many of my wants as well. Some things i don't even ask because i trust that He is alredy thinking about it. And nine times out of ten, He is. That is the kind of thing that makes Him so unique and unusual. He doesn't see me solely as a woman for His pleasure when it's convenient for Him. He sees me as a woman for His pleasure all the time, even when there is no sexual or overt D/s interaction going on at all.

He gives so much to me, and wishes so many good things for me, because He really believes i deserve them. Yes, it is about His power to grant them, at times. But He doesn't grant them for His own ego to be boosted by my gratitude (well....not totally, anyway). He does it for me, and my gratitude and the resultant ego boost is what He knows will come after the good thing is granted or given. He is so good to me.

His simple desire is to be adored. He has a need to know that my sole focus, purpose, will, desire, need is to be His. He needs as deeply as i need to give all i am and express the submission so strongly. He needs one woman to need Him. He needs to be her world, her support, her protection, her security, her strength. He needs to control things in her life, but more than that, He needs to control her thoughts. i mean, He needs to be in her thoughts as constantly as possible. He needs to be needed to a very deep level, and that is one reason He is perfect for this slave, and also very unusual. So many Dominants want to be needed, but only when it is convenient for them to do so. Sometimes they only want to be needed when they're in the mood for it, and they don't want to hear about it any other time. Padrone accepts when i am feeling mushy or submissive, even if He isn't in the mood to express His dominance, and allows me to express myself anyway.

He is the most patient person i know, even when He was hurting from things i would say, early in our relationship. He still believed in me, and believed that i would learn and grow into someone more pleasing to Him. He is also so accepting of others, and i am trying hard to learn from Him in regards to that acceptance.

He doesn't live a relationship in a chat room, or even on the phone.

His idea of a relationship involves one's entire life, not just a chat room. He goes online to chat, not to pose or posture. If i royally screw up and misbehave terribly in chat, He would punish me. But saying something that another person doesn't agree with, or doesn't like to hear, or "acting" in a way that others might not approve of, isn't something He takes serously enough to punish me for. Why spend our time together punishing me, when He didn't think i deserved it in the first place? Why look for things to criticize me about? Why expect me to behave perfectly, when i'm just me?

And that is the last point i will talk about this post - the fact that He accepts me as i am. He knew i was a sassy bitch when He met me. He knew i had a "mouth" on me, and i wasn't intimidated by most Dominants. But He also saw that my behavior had an underlying respect, and i was (and still am, for the record) quick to apologize for any offense, real or imagined, that i may have caused. But He accepted me anyway, and i have learned, as i have grown to know Him better and better, to behave in a way that He finds pleasing, when i interact with anyone. He doesn't want me to do as i have a tendency to do now (because of outside influences, which i can't, unfortunately, seem to shake the effects of), and be quiet. He wants me to be myself, the person He knows and loves. He wants me to express my personality, to stand up for myself, to talk and interact freely with folks who don't know me well because i am now too quiet for anyone to get to know. And i am working on it, but He isn't pushing me in any way because He accepts where i am, who i am, and what i express to others. He isn't critical or punishing me for not doing what i know He wants me to do. He isn't giving me examples of others' behavior to try to model. He isn't trying to change me. He knows that any change that happens is another expression of submission, and He will not take it, it will be given freely, or it won't happen.

And i guess that is the bottom line difference. Padrone will not take that which is not freely given. He will not force Himself on anyone. He will, when He wants to, use me when i am not in the mood to be used, but that is because i am already totally His. And if there were a valid reason for me not being used...like when i had surgery....it wasn't even an option. (mainly cos i couldn't type, actually!)

The point is that there are so many ways that Padrone is vastly different from other Dominants that i have interacted with, that i have asked Him to blog His thoughts about being a Dom. He said no, generously explaining to me why, and so the thought popped into my head to try to explain these things myself. i know i haven't mentioned everything, but the reality is that i am so wonderfully owned now, that it is hard to remember all the differences at one sitting. So this idea will be a work in progress, and most definitely to be continued.....

Thank You, Padrone, for that first pinch, and everything that has happened since then, to bring us where we are. i am the luckiest slave alive, because i am Yours.

i believe....

i believe....that communication is the most basic key to any relationship, period.

i believe....that a successful D/s relationship focuses more on the relationship, once the D/s is established.

i believe....that love is a word spoken too freely most of the time, and it keeps us from thinking more deeply than surface emotions.

i believe....that control and submission are part of a person's personality, and aren't turned on and off based on how a person judges another person.

i believe....that respect is a two way street. If someone else must earn mine, then i must earn theirs.

i believe....that respect is given freely by my actions, if not by my emotions. If i show disrespect to a person, it reflects on who i am, rather than who they are.

i believe....that trust is too easily given, and betrayal is too deeply felt for easily given trust. Nobody is perfect, and pain happens in a relationship.

i believe....that it takes a lot of work, energy, and time to make a relationship succeed.

i believe....that a successful relationship is one in which both partners are secure in who they are, and in who their partner is....and feel safe enough emotionally to be themselves fully.

i believe....that trust is what is earned, far more than respect ever will be.

i believe....that trust takes a long time to build, and it is built gradually. Trust is not an "either/or" proposition. There can be the position of "i neither trust nor distrust, yet".

i believe....that the choices one makes determines one's path in life, even (or especially) when circumstances limit one's choices.

i believe....that life is sometimes hard, but rewards are great for going through the fire.

i believe....that judging others is mostly a comparison in which others come up lacking to onesself.

i believe....that those who judge don't like to hear others' judgements of ourselves.

i believe....that learning not to judge is one of the most difficult things in life.

i believe....that learning to let others' opinions not matter so much, is more difficult than learning not to judge.

i believe....that finding the right partner is life's greatest reward, and i know i have done nothing to deserve it, but i know that i have found Him.

i believe....that keeping Him happy is my purpose in life.

i believe....in us.

being taken

Today i realized something about myself.

Today i realized that there are times that i need to feel....totally dispensible, especially to Padrone.

i know that sounds silly, and crazy as well, but it hit me when i was doing a task that he had never had me do before. For some reason, the need to not have any of my own needs or wants taken into consideration as he used me, became totally overwhelming.

You know, usually it *is* all about him, and i am so fortunate that he loves for his slave to be pleased sexually, and to be happy in general. But lately a lot of life's circumstances have required a lot of the focus in our relationship to be upon me and my life and my situation, and it's created a...i don't know, but it's as if both of us have needed to "right the boat" or something.

i needed for my needs to not be taken into consideration, to not even be expressed. i needed for him to literally take whatever he wanted, without thinking about me as anything other than the means for his pleasure....the meat for his use.... the property for his abuse if he so wished. And that's not an easy thing to express, especially without saying "i need", which would totally defeat the purpose in the first place!

Padrone only ever takes what is offered, and while he understands that everything i am, all i have, all i will be, is his totally and unreservedly....sometimes there is something within him that doesn't allow him to use me solely for his pleasure without regard for me and my pleasure. (i'm not talking about safety here, i am talking about pleasure)

But tonight, the opportunity arose for me to .... show him my need, while fulfilling one he has expressed in the past (at least to a degree). i was "taken", harshly and roughly and coldly.

That is something that i am not sure he would necessarily agree with, the terminology i mean. But that is what happened, and the reason it is worth typing about is this:

Tonight, for the first time, i can explain what i mean by that term - being taken - in a way that makes sense. Padrone, now and then, the need to truly be treated as an object, as a piece of meat, as....nothing.....with my existence recognized solely through use for your pleasure and for no other reason....sometimes that is a deep need that i haven't ever been able to express coherently.

i think that, after tonight's scene, You understand - even if nobody else does.

Padrone, i feel more Yours now than i ever have, and that is saying a lot. Thank You, for things i can't put into words. i am Yours.

for Padrone

Padrone...

i love the way You make me feel. i love that You need me, and me specifically. i love that You show me such deep care and concern in so many ways. i love that You think of me so highly. i love how You work so hard to make our relationship work. i love that You love for me to use the little italian i have been learning. i love that You want me to be happy. i love that You don't take me for granted.

i love Your voice, as well as the things You say. i love Your philosophy, and how it is more than simply philosophy to You. i love how You think ahead, yet live so well in the present. i love that You are teaching me, so patiently, that the past is just that.

Padrone, i love Your restraint, the control You exert over Yourself as well as over me. i love that i can give myself into Your control so often. i love that You help me in my life's crises and choices. i love that You make my life interesting.

i love Your looks, i love Your tenderness, i love Your obvious joy in Your family, i love that Your english is difficult when You are tired.

i love so much about You, Padrone, and of course, i love You.

shifting sand

There is an old saying that goes...

You can't stand on shifting sand.

i'm sure it's true, but at first glance it's not universally true. For instance, relationships have to change, the sand that comprises them *must* shift for it to grow and succeed. But the basis for the relationship, in our case the D/s, cannot change. Well it, too, has grown and deepened, but it is always present. It is not shifting sand, it is a firm foundation upon which the sand can shift all it needs to, to allow the changes to happen.

Nothng will ever take away the fact that i am Padrone's slave. He is my Master. It is the ways in which those facts are expressed that make our relationship flexible. Some things won't change, like the fact that He sets rules for me and i obey them. Now and then He may change one, and now and then i may fail in obeying, but those aren't changes of the basic fact that rules are made by Him, followed by me.

He is also the one who grants permission for me to live the way i live. He may change things about my lifestyle, and i am sure He will as time passes and circumstances change, and even has lately. HOW i live may change, but the fact that He chooses how i live, won't.

He chooses when to push me and when not to. He chooses when to use me, when to have me serve Him. How that happens does change, but the fact remains that i am not the one who chooses when it happens. i may voice a yearning, a need, i may beg or plead or even act wantonly in hopes of His use, but if He chooses not to use me, i deal with the need that He wishes for me to have, the best i can.

He has chosen to own me, and to treat me as His valuable property. i have chosen to serve Him as He so deserves for the way He treats me. We choose to love each other, and He has shown me that i am far more worthy of love than i ever knew before, and i have grown to love Him even more for it.

The sand may shift, and it is a very good thing that it does so, as long as the foundation upon which the sand lies is a firm, strong, sturdy one. Ours is, we chose long ago to be who we are, not so long ago to be who we are to each other, and even more recently to deepen the expression of it. But we are still Padrone and schiava.

Just You and me. All else fades away completely, Padrone, when compared with what is most important. Just You and me.

i am Yours....and You are mine. Grazie, mio Padrone.

growth

It's been quite some time since i have typed here, and tonight may not be the most opportune time to do so either. But there have been so many things going on lately that i just really needed to type some of them out.

i have grown, some, as a woman, but more as a slave. The past few weeks have brought some amazing changes, and i can't or won't go into a lot of detail about them. Suffice it to say that i am now Padrone's bitch, something i haven't ever been able to fully embrace being.

Why did this happen? Because Padrone expressed something to me that made me realize that there *is* a way to express my submission in a deeper way. Maybe even in a more meaningful way, i'm not sure - that's one of those things that can't be defined.

Padrone exposed a bit of Himself to me, something that showed me a new way to please Him. And of course, that is something that meant more to me than i could ever express, the trust and respect He showed me to reveal something deeper than He has ever shown before, and also it made me want to show Him my gratitude in a way that only He can understand.

But it is also more than that. It is as if His expression of Himself freed me, in some ways, to reveal things that i had .... well, not supressed, because i had told Him these things, but....maybe not dwelt upon, and that may have made Him not aware of how meaningful they were to me.

In other news, as some of y'all may know already, i am Padrone's bitch. i have a kennel in our private channel where i go when i wait for Him to get online. Being His bitch, so far, has meant that i have in a few small ways, acted as a dog for His pleasure. It is something that i used to have major problems with, and i could never define why. But i realize now that i can kind of take on the mentality of a dog, ecstatic to see her Owner, and eager to show the adoration she feels for Him, and...maybe it's easer that way, i don't know. It doesn't matter, except for my ingrained need to understand things. i'll figure it out, or learn to accept that i can't, one or the other.

And some things i am in limbo regarding, waiting for Padrone to do or say what He mentioned, and what i know may never be expressed. It's hard in some ways, because i have to be patient, and understand that He will only do what He chooses to do, and if He chooses not to do something, then it is because He thinks it is best for Him and for me if He doesn't. Nothing i could do or say, even if i were the type to try to change His mind, would have any effect. And y'all know what? i love Him for that.

Actually, i love Him for a lot MORE than that, but i'm sure y'all have figured that out by now.

i'm thinking of typing something else now, but i'll put it in a different post, with a different topic since it *is* a different topic.

Padrone, i am so grateful for the growth that we have had, even when it hasn't been dramatic and emotional. i am so grateful for the trust You have shown me so recently, and for the respect You show me daily. Thank You for trusting me when i offer more than You have ever taken before. Padrone, i can't imagine belonging to anyone else. i feel as if i have been searching for You my whole life.

Thank You, Padrone, for being You, and owning me in the way You do. You truly are incredible.

humiliation

Well. This topic is a land mine, of sorts, but the fact is that humiliation itself is even moreso. So why type about it? Mainly because it is an area i have often thought of, and knew i needed, but didn't truly understand. i still don't, really, but i guess it's time to open up about it a bit now.

Humiliation has always been a two-edged sword for me. i hate it. But i need it, and i find myself getting aroused sexually and mentally when i am humiliated. What kind of humiliation is the hardest to take? That, of course differs on the person. For me, it's probably physical humiliation, because, for me, there is no physical humiliation without mental/emotional humiliation, although there can be the mental/emotional without the physical.

What i mean is that i truly hate when Padrone clamps my nipples with the belled clamps and has me greet Doms that way, especially when i am gagged. The first time that happened i cried and it took a long time for me to "recover". Now it's not so bad, but only because of familiarity, not because it is any less humiliating. i don't have to "recover" because the headspace is somewhere i have been before and know that i can get out of.

But deeper humiliation, things that i have never been able to even consider much less to do, i would have to "recover" from as i did this in the beginning.

Being Padrone's bitch, for instance, is not something i would have dreamed i would ever do without major consequences - emotionally, i mean. Yet i am doing it, and enjoying some aspects of it surprisingly enough. i still squirm when i'm told to "fetch", or when i do what i am required to do rl...but i do it, and there is some measure of satisfaction in doing it.

Some people find verbal humiliation something they can't handle. i had problems with that when i first met Padrone, but that actually faded rather quickly. The physical humiliation....actually acting in certain ways....demeaning myself....lowering myself into something .... not even human, a bitch.....i couldn't do it for a long time. i begged Padrone, once, long ago....please don't make me do this. And He, then, was gracious and considerate enough to allow me to stop.

But now, being called things, so far, hasn't been a major problem for me. i do have trigger words, things that He could say that would trigger a deeply negative reaction in me, but He knows them i think, and has never said them to me yet. Doing humiliating things is more difficult for me, but strangely enough, i find myself yearning for more.

Why?

i think that it is because i know He finds it pleasing that i would do things i hate, if He asked me to. It is a way to show the control that He has over me, and to show it more and more effectively, the more deeply humiliating the thing(s) He has me to do. i love showing whose i am, and just how deeply His i am, every chance i get.

Another reason is simply because it reinforces the depth of our relationship, to me. If He can do and say things, have me do and say things, that make me feel and seem as low as a part of me always feels i am......and care for me, accept me, love me *anyway*....then that is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance i have craved all my life.

And lastly, i honestly think that being humiliated keeps me in a submissive place. i find myself hating what i am doing, yet feeling so amazingly submissive, and even more grateful, because He asked something difficult of me. It stretches me. It pushes me. It allows me to show the depths of my submission. It allows me to show Him just how truly His i am.

And it does something inside me that i can't explain. Somehow it makes me stronger. It makes me know that i can handle more than i ever dreamed i could. But like any strengthening agent, it creates stress. Stress in anyone can trigger bad actions, and it can also create truly damaging thoughts and emotions in a relationship. Padrone and i have worked hard to create an environment of communication in our relationship, so that even negative or potentially damaging thoughts and emotions can be discussed and worked through. It makes me as a person stronger, and us as a couple stronger as well.

Humiliation is not something i will ever love, nor would i seek it if i weren't totally secure in my place in Padrone's life. But now, under the circumstances, it is something i know i can handle, even crave, and that i will somehow end up grateful for.

Padrone, i am Yours in more ways, and to more depth, than i can ever express. Thank You for the security You have provided for Your slave, so that she could grow into the person, the woman, the slave, she is.

i love You.

showing submission

i absolutely adore when Padrone tells me with words and with quite obvious actions, how He feels about me. But there are times when it isn't so obvious, when He doesn't say the things i love to hear, when He doesn't give me gestures or privileges that show His emotions.

And usually my emotions, my actions, follow His actions.....so when He says He is proud to own me, it makes me yearn to give more and more, and the emotions that follow are deep submission and devotion. So what is the reason i feel that it is something to type about here?

Well, it's so wonderful when Padrone is verbal or obvious with the emotions He feels. It's so easy to return all He gives and constantly try to give more. But what happens when He doesn't feel the need to express Himself with words or overt actions? Do i pout and whine and try to manipulate a reaction that i want and miss and have been waiting for?

i guess the way i worded that question will make the answer obvious, but i would like to say that there was a time when i would have attempted all of those things. i have learned, and indeed am still learning, the ways that Padrone expresses His emotions. He says it to me, things like "i am so proud to own You", and i love hearing it. When He expresses it often, reinforcing it, but more a case of Him bursting with the emotions that having me as His slave fills His heart with, then it is so easy to give, to feel submissive, to feel the need to express it often and in great depth.

But when He doesn't express it often, when the words go unsaid, when the actions are "normal" and not the tender actions that He surprises me with so well....when the interaction is not as ... overt i think is the word i am looking for....when the interaction is not so verbally loving, or even with actions that are typically those of a "man in love", then what am i supposed to do? It doesn't "feel" as emotional then, the emotions that are always present aren't as ... close to the "surface" as they are when i am being often praised and treated in a way that i "feel" as cherished as i am.

What i do then is i act the same way that i do when the emotions come first. Sometimes i feel the emotions and the actions spring from them. Sometimes the emotions aren't as strong or needing to be expressed as they are at other times. So what i do during those times is.....i express them anyway. And what's crazy is that there are times when those expressions of emotions that aren't burning my mind with need to be expressed, makes them *become* those burning emotions, and the expressions become more spontaneous and deep.

Padrone has taught me ever since He has known me, that no matter what emotions i feel, it's what i do that matters most....that will be judged. Most of us don't think that way, we usually tend to act on our feelings and hope that when we act inappropriately, it will be forgiven because . Guess what. It seldom works that way, even outside D/s, because what is said and done can never be unsaid or undone. And so, if behavior is judged, then i will behave in ways that i know are pleasing to Him, and if i have a real problem then all i need to do is come to Him and He is almost always willing to talk and help me find a solution to the problem.

There have been some weeks lately during which it seemed that every conversation we had included Padrone telling me how proud He is to own me, what a good slave i am to Him, how glad He is that i am His.....and He has allowed me privileges, shown me those same emotions through many and varied actionsas well as the words. It has been so wonderful, and it has been so easy to return the emotions with words and with actions.

It isn't always that way, and those are the times when i find myself second-guessing myself, Him, and everything. But the fact of the matter is that He loves me, He is proud to own me,He is happy that i am His, owning me has made a positive difference in His life, He needs me, and He wants me....even if it isn't spoken or even covertly communicated. That is how it is, and because of that, i can make it through "dry spells" of fewer words and overt actions.

Either way, i act submissively, i act loving, i act grateful, i act devoted, i act worshipful. i feel those things of course, but usually when i *act* on them, the emotions rise to the surface strongly and sharply, and i must express more and more and more.

That's what, i believe, a slave should do. Her actions should not simply reflect upon her submission or other emotions. Her actions must also reflect her desire to behave in a manner that will bring her Master pride, joy, contentment, true happiness, simply because she belongs to Him.

Padrone, i strive to always behave in a way that will bring those things to Your mind when You think of me. i know i will fail now and then, but my desire is always for Your pleasure and honor.

Thank You for teaching me this valuable lesson, and for understanding that it is one that must be relearned now and then. i love You, and i am Yours.

Emotional security

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are so many things i would like to type here but i don't have time to type everything i want to. So, i'll just begin and see where it goes.

i guess one of the thoughts that doesn't want to let go has been that of the fact that Padrone and i have reached the point in our relationship where neither of us has to ... hold onto the other.

That sounds funny, i know, especially in today's society, and it does NOT mean that either of us takes the other for granted. What i mean by it is that i *know* that Padrone is with me because HE wants to be here, and He trusts the same about me. i don't have to act in ways that are designed to....i don't know, maybe what i mean is that my thoughts aren't along the lines of "i hope i don't upset Him or make Him unhappy because if i do He may release me". And He no longer feels that He must act Domly all the time, to keep the submissive in me directed towards Him constantly. We have relaxed in some things, we both act appropriately, and since we trust the actions of the other, our relationship has been able to move beyond that and into one that is not so "behavior-based" for lack of another way to describe it.

It is as if, rather than keeping our "arms" wrapped tightly around the other to "keep" them with us, we can finally let our "arms" relax and get busy with other things, knowing that the other is not going anywhere.

Emotional security. That is a gift .... but it isn't one that comes cheaply. We have both worked very hard to gain what we have. This relationship has not come easy, it hasn't been a smooth ride, although i think we have reached a place that we are each... monitoring without obsessing.....and are more readily able to identify problems, and discuss them before they reach the point of imminent danger to the relationship.

Maybe that's the entire point. We have wanted what we have for so long, and now that we finally have it, we protect it very well. Our relationship is so valuable to each of us, although i would have to say that Padrone Himself is FAR more valuable to me than our relationship.....and even though it would literally handicap me to the point of emotional paralysis....if He ever felt that His happiness depended on releasing me....then i would want nothing more than His happiness....

Alright, i can't talk about that anymore.

i am not sure if that thought came across...about us not needing to hold onto one another anymore. We can focus on other things in our relationships, all the while monitoring where we are, and it is a VERY wonderful place to be.

Padrone, i thank You so much for leading and guiding this relationship into this place, and not letting me become complacent.....and not becoming complacent Yourself. i know You value me highly, and i know that You don't feel that i take You for granted either. What we have, Padrone, is something rare, beautiful, and immeasurably special.

i am Yours....You are mine....because we each want to be where we are.

i love You.

i am Yours

When i think of how You have changed me, how being Your slave has made me the slave i am, i am so humbled that i can do nothing but lie prostrate at Your feet, in futile attempt to express the emotions that i cannot even name.

The girl i was, whose sole attribute that made me stand out from any other girl was a sense of responsibility for my actions and words, never dreamed that she could ever become the woman i am now.

Padrone, You said it is as if i am a different person, even looking solely at my behaviors. i am, Padrone.

Then i was never fully Yours, no matter how submissive i was to You. Then i couldn't trust enough to give You what You deserved, what You desired, what You needed. Then i couldn't see past my own demons and painful experiences to see who You are. Then, Padrone, i gave to You all i could give, but it was never enough for me....although You seemed to know and to understand that i couldn't give more.

There were so many walls, Padrone. i had thought them impenetrable, i thought i was safe. i never knew that i would even want them to come down, because i knew who was behind those walls, and....i was ashamed of me, Padrone. i was so afraid that if You saw me, that You would turn away as so many in my life have even without seeing me. i was afraid that if others saw me, while i was wearing Your collar, that i would bring You shame rather than honor.

Padrone, Your patience and self control have brought down the walls that nobody else could even see. The night when You had me finger my ass....saying to me that You own me...i am Yours....You own me because You want to own me....Padrone, that is when the first wall crashed to the ground. i was terrified.

i began to see that You deserved more of me than i had been giving. i blamed it on the fact that You owned the other slave too. That was such a convenient excuse to ... i'm not sure exactly what i was doing then, but i know that after that night, things changed. i changed. i made a conscious choice...it's funny, i can remember the very thoughts....i chose to give You what You deserved. *i* was Your slave, just as much as the other girl was, and *i* would serve You simply because You owned me.

Such a simple thing, right, Padrone?

Yes, quite simple, yet it took more trust and pure courage than i thought i had. i was so scared that i would screw up and lose You, once i had let You inside, past the first wall. And no, i had no intention of any others coming down either.

Other walls....other crises....other situations that You have dealt with in such a way that has made me understand Your character and Your faithfulness.

Padrone, one by one, You moved farther and farther into my life, into my mind, and into my heart, until every wall was first revealed, and then removed. It has been a long, difficult time. Owning me has not been easy for You, i know. But it has been so worth it, Padrone, for You as well as for me.

Padrone, You have the slave You have always wanted, one whose deepest desire truly *is* Your pleasure. You own a slave who truly lives her life by Your will, constantly striving for Your happiness. And Your happiness has freed me.

As always, there is a quandry though. i have no way to express the things i feel.

How can i ever thank You for giving me the gift of myself?

How can i ever give You enough to repay You for the life You have given to me?

How can i ever honor You enough to make You feel as cherished as i am?

How can i ever praise You enough for the ways You have handled me and helped me grow?

Your pride in me, Your love, Your happiness in owning me, Your paitence, Your laughter, Your enjoyment of my service, Your need for me, Your faithfulness, Your understanding, Your love of communication, Your creativity, Your trust in me, and most of all, Your faith in me, are samples of the jewels that glitter brightly in the crown of Your ownership. There are so many. i am the most fortunate slave ever, and everything i do, i do in an effort to give back, to show You that i accept, finally, that the opinion You have so often told me You have of me, is true....and to give back what can never be repaid.

What i am, You have made me, and every beat of my heart is Yours.

Thank You, Padrone.

The myth of perfection

Yes, it has been a while since i have written here. There are lots of reasons for it, and none i will go into now because they simply aren't important in the long run.

But lately i have been thinking quite a bit. It's funny sometimes how discussions with others can spark a firestorm of thoughts that grow into a full-fledged topic for me, but that's what usually happens. Many of my posts originate from discussions with others, and one sentence, or one thought, or even one phrase can stick in my mind... and i usually "think it through", even if it doesn't happen until i type about it here or elsewhere.

This particular topic came about with the mention that Doms want a "perfect slave". So of course that started me thinking about what a "perfect slave" is, or can mean, and why someone would want such a thing in the first place.

i guess what someone would most likely be referring to with that phrase would be a submissive who obeys instantly, without question, and always willingly, eagerly....her demeanor would be one of abject adoration at all times, she would take correction, no matter how frivolous, seriously and with the proper "attitude", and her focus would be on her Master's wishes at all times.

So what is wrong with that picture?

First off, i want to publicly state something that may shock my Padrone into silence for a moment - i do NOT believe there is such a thing as a perfect slave. (or a perfect Master for that matter, but that's a different topic altogether)

Now that His jaw is firmly back in place from where it dropped to in response to that statement, let me continue by saying that perfection is not possible, however the strive for perfection is something every slave i know does as a matter of course. Notice i said every slave, not every person who poses as one, or who calls herself one - that is vital to my point here.

Perfection is an admirable goal, and it is one that i take very seriously. However, it is never achieved, no matter how hard one tries. There will always be times when i fail to act or behave appropriately, when i can't serve Him when He wants me to, when my attitude isn't the best, or when i rebel at His punishment or disagree with His choices. That is human nature. And there are times when i just don't "feel" the way He wishes for me to act, and that's probably the most difficult time of all for me to obey and give my submission freely.

And the bottom line of a "perfect slave" is probably just that....freely giving herself, her submission, her obedience....rather than having to have it coerced or manipulated or "punished" out of her.

Slavery is something that is offered, not taken. A slave gives freely of whatever pleases her Master most, or, if free, she gives freely of what is generally considered most pleasing kinds of behaviors, while protecting herself from predatory Dominants. Now THAT leads to the question of what is generally considered pleasing kinds of behaviors?

Well, i would think that what one sees would be a show of respect for others, first and foremost. One would never know, in a chat room at least, if the "perfect slave" disliked someone or even had a problem with his/her behavior. She would neither speak too much nor too loudly, she would not garner attention deliberately, yet her very presence because of her great show of respect and acceptance of all, would make her stand out from the "crowd" around her. She would serve socially when asked, and would serve sexually when it was appropriate to her, for her to do so. When she chose not to, her "no" would be couched in politeness, so that one asking would not feel "rejected". Her role would be to serve, to obey, to please, and she would do whatever she could to fulfill that role.

And that one desire, to do whatever she could to serve, obey, please......is what would make her a "perfect slave". In my opinion, slavery is not something one grows into, although she would necessarily have to grow into her knowledge of her slavery, and her acceptance of it, an then into her way of expressing it. For slaves, it is who she is, an inherent part of her personality, genetic makeup, social role, whatever one wishes to call it, that she serve and be found pleasing. It is a need that is inexpressable, and the way to fulfill said need is to learn to act in a "perfect" manner for positive feedback, when one is unknowned. When one is owned, her focus naturally turns to finding the way to be most pleasing and obedient to her own Master.

But it is the need, the desire, the yearning to please, that would lead one to believe that a girl is a "perfect slave". As for me, here is a summary of my thoughts , as expressed in channel earlier today:

i am not a perfect slave. There is no such thing as a perfect slave. i am not perfect, period. However, i strive with every beat of my heart towards that unattainable goal, and the reason is simple. my Padrone deserves my best, and He deserves every effort i make towards "being" the best i can be.

He is the only Master for me. i am the only slave for Him.

Thank You Padrone, for giving me what i know You never say lightly...forever.

Taking for granted

i have said so often that i refuse to take anything for granted about Padrone and His ownership of me. But i have recently realized something...

Lack of trust creates that mentality of taking something for granted.

For instance, i allowed my fears, mixed with the words i chose to remember Him saying, to balloon into the fear that He would find another slave. Oh, how those fears tormented me, and it wasn't the kind of torment He wanted me to experience. He reassured me as best He could, but He is wise enough to know that until i learned to trust that i *am* good enough, i *am* the one He wants, and i *am* the only one He wants...forever...that nothing He said would have long term effects.

i still need that reassurance now and then, but i find myself needing it less often, and i know that is a relief to Him. When i hear words, though, it is still such a beautiful thing to me, and i don't *have* to read between lines, or assume that His actions mean what i hope they mean. So now and then those reassuring words are still needed to keep me from going back into the land of fear.

But what is it that i was taking for granted while i was so consumed by fear? It is simple.

i have a faithful Master, and i took Him for granted.

i am sorry, Padrone, and faithfulness means more to me than i can express. It is more than simply not scening with others. It means, to me, that You don't even think about anyone else in terms of being Yours, no "what ifs" or "i wonders" or even comparisons, that i know of anyway. i finally realize that You are not just happy to own me, but quite content with our relationship and don't need or want anything else besides what we have and will continue to have in the future....what we will grow into.

i am deeply sorry for taking Your faithfulness for granted, my Master. i am so fortunate to belong to You, who has shown such patience and faith in me, and who is everything i have ever wanted in a man...and to whom i owe so much, but will gladly repay with my all.

i love You, Padrone.